A/N::: I've been told to update this, so I have.

Diclaimer::: I do not own (obviously).

Enjoy!

Cammie POV

I can't stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by

I stumble into my apartment, muttering curses under my breath. I hear a car door slam shut behind me and someone calling out to me, my head pounding. "Idiot," I mutter bitterly, bumping into a table I had placed in the hall. "Damn it!" I throw my keys and purse down, getting pissed by the second.

"Cammie, you can't run forever!" I'm in the kitchen by the time he's in. I grit my teeth, banging open cabinets. "Cameron! Where are you—" he stops, already at the kitchen entryway. "Found you," he breathes.

"Will you just shut up?" I hiss, turning to him. I lock my gaze with his emerald one, the pounding increasing. "At least give me enough time to find my freaking Advil before you start lecturing me! God damn! Where the fuck is my Advil!" I return to slamming open the cabinets, searching for the familiar bottle.

"Cameron…"

"Shut up Zachary," I hiss weakly. "Just shut up."

"Just thought I'd let you know that—"

"Fine!" I yell, throwing my arms up in surrender. "Fine. Just tell me why you followed me in here so you can leave and I can—" I stop, mouth open, as I stare at the object in his hand. "Is that my—oh." I finish lamely, "thanks." He nods, tossing it. I catch the Advil, my face burning with shame.

"It was on the table the whole time," Zach offers. "You probably just missed it." I nod, my back to him as I open it and take one. After a second thought, I swallow another one. Almost immediately, the pounding dulls. I nod to myself, apology on my tongue, pride in my throat.

"Sorry about that—"

"Don't worry about it," he cuts me off, smiling. He smirked less and less these days, probably having to smile to calm Bex's anger. "My fault. I was a bastard back there. I don't blame you for snapping like you did." He sits in one of the two chairs I have, massaging his temples.

"Since when did you become such a pacifist?" I ask. I get out a pot and boil some water. "Do you want an Advil?" I ask politely.

"Yeah, thanks Cam." I flinch, not used to the sincerity. I place the bottle in front of him, not risking a chance of touching him. "So," I muse, after he takes the pill. "You should probably get going. Bex'll get worried and—" He holds his hand up, smiling, again. I miss the smirking-Zach, I tell myself.

"Taken care of. She's too tipsy so Liz and Macey took her home. Grant is taken care of the party. Just because the main couple goes missing doesn't mean the party ceases," he mutters dryly. To my own surprise, I laugh.

"Oh god, the British Bombshell is going to have a major hangover tomorrow." I sit across from him, keeping a safe distance.

Zach shook his head. "Nope. Liz said she's come up with a concoction that'll cure hangovers. She only needs to force Bex to swallow a pint of it and she'll be set in the morning."

I sigh. "That's our Lizzie. Always thinking of others."

"More like jumping at every chance to experiment," Zach mutters. I laugh again, and he joins in. "God, what happened to us, Cammie?" he whispers, his hand inching towards mine. "We used to be so close. And now look at us. Only having a good time because you threw up and I had to drive you to your place. Why is it like this, Cam? Why are we like this?" Our hands are inches apart; our faces leaning in towards each other. It's when his breath reaches my face do I realize what exactly what I was doing.

So unhappy
But safe as could be

I snap back, snatching my hand away from his. "You chose her over me," I say numbly. I want to stand and be strong. I want to demand what right he has to be bringing up the past that I buried a long time ago. But I just sit and stare at the table, my emotions going numb.

"Oh, so it's my fault?" he asks, incredulous. "I'm not the one that gave you an ultimatum. I wasn't the one who chose my country over you. I'm not the one who stormed off without even thinking of a way out of it or even promising anything. You think you're the only one you hurt when you broke what we had off? You ran away after yelling at me, after lying to me. You think that I couldn't tell it pained you to say what you did? Because I knew. But hell, you screamed you didn't love me, so I could only stare and oblige. I was done running after you Cammie. For once, I was hoping you'd come after me but after five years of nothing I gave up. And you know who was there? After Grant broke it off with her, Bex was there for me. And I was there for her. She was the only one who I could talk to who understood. So no, Cameron, you chose your country over me." It was silent after he spoke. I could hear nothing but the whistling of the kettle. I felt nothing but raw ache at what I did. But I was safe. I was safe and who could ask for anything more? Who cares if I woke up every morning, reaching for Zach but finding nothing instead? I was safe and no one could do anything about it, even if I was unhappy.

"Get out." That was me after I finally find my voice.

"What?" he asks.

"Get out," I repeat. "Leave. Go back to Bex. She needs you right now." When he doesn't move, I straighten up, ready to pull a Rachel. "Leave me alone, Zachary. I'll see you tomorrow at the wedding because of Bex. But I don't want to see you face anymore. I don't want to hear your lectures. Just go." My voice cracks and I turn away, fighting back tears.

"Okay." He sounds so defeated; I have an internal fight to call him back. But he's already easing the front door shut, not even bothering to slam it. That's when I know that I've not only lost him again, I've pushed him even further away than I've intended.

So what if it hurts me?
So what it I break down?

The tears come relentlessly. Before I know it, I'm in all-out sob mode, overcome with regret and bitterness. I fall off the chair and fall to my knees, burying my face into my hands. What have I done? Not only have I shoved Zach further away, I've given him a reason to avoid me all together.

But, I reason with myself, wiping away the tears furiously, this is not my time. I lost my chance and ruined any chance I had with Zach years ago with I chose my country over him. It was my choice and chance, I gambled, and lost.

So what if I wake up heartbroken every morning?

So what if this raw ache in my heart never fades?

So what if I break down after every encounter I have with Bex, Zach, or Bex and Zach together?

It isn't my fight anymore. I quit, so there's no going back.

So what if this world just throws me off the edge,
My feet run out of ground

There was a point where I deeply regretted choosing my country over Zach. No one was these when I was put in the ICU after attempting and barely succeeding in a mission two levels above my norm. I heard no congratulations from anyone I cared about when I was promoted as head of the CIA. No one, no one, was by my side when I watched my mother die slowly of lung cancer. They were on a mission, or just hadn't heard, or had decided to ignore me.

And every single moment, I knew that if I had just thought it through, if I'd not been too rash to push him away, Zach would have stood by my side every time. I know he would have canceled his plans and schedule, because he had, once, when I broke my arm on a mission. He had been by my side, helping me with everything. Even after I had decidedly ignored him. He had still hoped, I think, that I would change my mind. I wish I had. Because then, at least, I would have had steady ground instead of a podium that I so highly placed myself upon.

I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound

My place was, inevitably, never by Zach's side. I don't deserve him. I yelled at him, treated him like something below garbage, and yet he treated me the same. He never yelled, never contradicted. He took the beating and I just unleashed on him. If I'd known that my actions would cause such a torrent of reactions, if I could go back in time in that moment, if I knew what I knew now, of course I would choose Zach. My country never stood by me. My country never even recognized me, except when there was a terrorist attack and they needed someone to blame. But Zach, Zach would have stood by me, and I by him.

But now I can't. I won't ever know what it's like to stand beside him and feel beautiful. I will never know what it's like to have him hold me or kiss me. My place is now to stand by Bex's side as they recite their vows tomorrow and undying love to each other. My place will be to calm Bex down and assure she looks beautiful and Zach will love her and faint when he sees her.

It will be my place to stand tall and cheer them on when they drive off to their honeymoon. It'll be my place to laugh as they take a bite of their custom made cake and instead turn on each other, feeding the other and smashing it into their face. It will be my voice that Bex will take comfort in as reality sinks in and she has to spend the rest of her life with Zach, the one man who had made me feel special. It'll be my voice that will convince Rebecca that Zach was the man for her; he was the one who completed her. They made a vow to love each other forever and they were spies; promises were never made on a whim. It will be me who will smile and laugh and pretend everything is alright.

It is my place, my fate and destiny. It has never been any other way.

Don't care about all the pain in front of me
I just trying to be happy
I just wanna be happy, yeah

Tomorrow is the day, I tell myself, staring up at the ceiling in my bed, my hair wet from a shower. The day where everything will fall into place and everything will be sealed. I will stand in front of a small crowd of sixty of so people, but they will only glance at me. I'll have to block all of my emotions expertly, put up a wall of concrete, wrap locks and chains around my heart so I will not feel. I won't care about the raw aching in my heart as it breaks into pieces.

I just want happiness all around, is what I'll tell myself. I want Bex, Zach, any of their future children, to grow up happy. I just want it to be a prosperous day where I will not be under scrutiny or any kind of observation. I will wish the couple a happy life.

I just want to be happy.

A/N::: DONE! Just before the New Years :D Short I know, but this was TOUGH to write.

Let me know if this makes sense.

This could be the end of this, folks. Tell me if ya want a happy ending or sad but intriguing yet different ending. How, you ask? Simple:

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