The Cocktail Hour Affair
April Dancer walked, well almost ran through the halls of UNCLE. She just flew in from London, only to hear that her partner, Napoleon and Illya had been injured in a THRUSH explosion. No one informed her though all three were seriously banged up none of the injuries were life threatening.
April came crashing into the medical ward. The fact that she didn't hear Illya cursing or throwing things worried her. She did however hear giggling slurred words. She recognized the voices. The nurses at their station were trying desperately to keep a straight face. When she saw April, Mary spoke while trying not to laugh.
April had a worried look. "Hi, April. Relax they're all going to be fine. They're pretty banged up, but nothing life threatening. Just to warn you, they are all pretty doped up right now. We need to thank Dr Wilson. Even Illya has been behaving. Whatever he put in their drug cocktail they're all drunk as skunks. "
April laughed. "What happened?"
Mary chuckled. "According to them, Mark threw Napoleon off the cliff, then Illya threw Mark off the cliff, and the bomb threw Illya off the cliff. "
April looked amused and slightly perplexed.
"It gets better It seems Illya can't find his English, and wants us to find it for him. He tells us he can only speak Russian. He's been telling us this in English all night. We promised Olga and you would look for it. The doctor agreed to put 'vodka ' in Illya's medicine. Mark and Napoleon thought that was unfair. We told them we had to because he's Russian. They decided it was fine, if they could be Russian tomorrow. We recorded the rest for you. "
April snorted. This was going to be fun.
"Go in and talk with them. I think they're waiting for you. "
April shot her an amused glance. "You're enjoying this far too much. "
Mary warned her. "You were the topic of the conversation. "
"Me?" She asked confused.
Mary was laughing so hard it took a minute. "They love us, but they love you more. I'll let them tell you. Also Nancy thinks you're nuts turning down Napoleon. She's the new night duty nurse."
April chuckled knowingly. "Tell her he's all hers. Assuming she can catch him. He's a spy and tends to be slippery that way.
Mary just laughed. "She'll get over it. We all did. "
April walked into the mens room to see her partner and colleagues all in hospital beds with various dressings and bandages everywhere. She turned first to Mark.
"Darling, what did you do to yourself?" She shook her head
Mark and Napoleon giggled.
Illya was trying to focus. The concussion and medicine made him very drunk and very sleepy. They gave him too much vodka in his medicine he thought. He just wanted to sleep now that April was here. He needed to tell her about his English then, he could sleep. "My English is hiding. I'm sorry I have to speak Russian to you. You understand Russian. Please find my English. " Illya begged in English. "I'm too drunk to find it. They gave me vodka. It makes me so sleepy. "
April chuckled and placed a hand on his shoulder. "I promise I'll find your English. You'll just have to dream in Russian tonight. Now did you lose any other languages?"
Illya tried to shake his head The vodka made his head so heavy he couldn't lift it. Illya's fell sleep before he could finish his thought. He started snoring.
Napoleon interjected. "The doctor said Illya could have vodka to help him feel better. They gave him too much."
Both men started giggling hysterically.
April snorted.
"What happened darlings?"
"We got exploded. I don't think we were supposed to do that. " Mark declared.
"Of course not. " April smiled to herself. Mary was right whatever was in that drug cocktail was good stuff.
"What happened? How did you all get exploded?" April had to try very hard to keep from laughing.
"THRUSH tried to blow us up. We didn't try to blow ourselves up." Mark stated making sure she understood. "It important you understand that."
Napoleon agreed. " That's right. We didn't try to explode ourselves. THRUSH exploded us."
"Of course." April agreed. "They taught us that in survival school. You are definitely not to blow yourself up. I remember that was very important lesson."
"We're supposed to blow up THRUSH. I think we did it backwards.. I was the comm...uhh leader" Napoleon declared. "Do you think I gave the order backwards?" His mind was getting very fuzzy. The drugs created a euphoric high, and made him very sleepy.
The nurse at the door snorted to avoid laughing out loud.
For some reason Mark and Napoleon found this hysterically funny.
April smiled. "They gave you guys some good stuff in those IVs didn't they.?"
"Uh-huh. " Mark and Napoleon agreed. Though they weren't sure what she meant.
"Oh...the nurses said we should...we're supposed to tell you we love you. And Illya lost his English. " Mark slurred as he tried to pull a memory from his fuzzy mind.
"Thaaats right. Beautiful beautiful Mary. You um you said that right? You know we love you..I love you more. I'm just a better lover." Napoleon declared drugged half out of his head.
Mary turned to April with a look of amused annoyance.
April shrugged. "Well at least he's predictable. "
Mary laughed "Always.."
Mary turned to the guys. " You kept telling us, you loved us and April."
"Nonstop continuously." Mary muttered under her breath to April.
April was trying very hard not to laugh.
Mary continued. "Remember we told you you had to tell April too."
"Yeah. You know that's right I mean I love you like my sister. " Mark was all smarmy drunken confession.
April laughed. "You don't have a sister darling."
"Well, if I had a sister she'd love you like my sister. " Mark declared emphatically.
Mary laughed she couldn't contain it anymore. "Remember boys, I said you had to go to sleep once you saw April.? See Illya he's listening. He's asleep.
Both men pondered this. Illya's head was slumped to the side. He was even snoring, which Mark and Napoleon found fascinating. They both stared at him. "Tovarich, wake up. Remember Mary said we couldn't go to sleep until we saw April. You're not listening. " Napoleon commanded.
April laughed. It wasn't much of a command, and Illya was too far gone.
"I want the two of you to go to sleep now. Illya saw me, and he went to sleep. "
"You sure. Illya saw you? " Napoleon asked.
"Illya saw her. Yeah I think..." Mark drifted off.
"Remember what Mary said. You've seen me. Now it's time to go to sleep. I'll see you in the morning. " She promised.
Mark's eyelids were half closed. Napoleon mumbled something unintelligible. All three men were sound asleep in their room in minutes.
April and Mary came out of the room laughing. "OK, I shouldn't. Give me the recording anyway. "
April left the medical ward laughing to herself. The recording was the best gift the boys ever gave her, even if they weren't aware of it.
