Chapter 2

Still September

Wednesday September 27

9:00 am

Just realized I never did my homework. Crap. Maybe I can do it really fast right now.

Screw it. A few zeros won't kill me.

12:30 pm

Lunch Time

I got my lunch and went to go sit down at my table. Right when I got there, I saw some unidentified young lad in my seat. So I kind of shoved him a bit. Only he didn't get the message, so I yelled "MOVE!" right in his hear. Only he didn't move.

I turned to Whitney and said, "Do you see this person in my spot?" And she said, "Yeah. That's Luc. He's my foreign exchange student brother type thing." I asked, "Where's he from?" And she said, "France. He doesn't speak English. I don't even know why he came to school with me. He just kind of followed me on the bus… Hey, you speak French. Maybe you can talk to him."

How sweet. A French lad is living with Whitney. And he stole my spot.

Oh, I talked to him all right.

I whispered harshly into his ear, "Get the fuck out of my spot or I will track you down and kill you with a sandpapery dildo" in French.

He moved.

1:20 pm

I've decided that one day I'm going to adopt a little Japanese girl.

2:35 pm

While I was putting away my instrument in band, Whitney asked me what I said to Luc.

I said, "I told him I wanted to be his best friend."

She frowned and said, "Well he cried when you left."

And I looked behind her and saw Luc there looking quite terrified of me.

So I said, "Fine. I'll be nicer." And then I said to Luc, "Hey Luc. Sorry I said I was going to kill you with a dildo. I hope we're cool now."

Luc said, "Nate, go fuck yourself."

I stood there quite shocked. "I'm sorry you feel that way," I told him.

Whitney asked me what we were talking about. I said, "I told him that when I lived in Canada, I went fly fishing."

Whitney looked at me funny.

3:10 pm

Luc and I have a very strange relationship. He hates me, but we feel strangely connected because I'm the only one in this school – besides the French teachers – that can talk to him. That's what I get for being a Canadian.

He's decided that he wanted to follow me around school instead of Whitney, so we went to my fifth class, French. Yes, I know I'm taking French. I have a good reason, too. GPA. I'm in AP French, which means I get a five point 'o' for one class. Even though it is only French two. I call it "retard French."

I introduce Luc to the class and they all say, "Bonjour!" My teacher talked to him and she translated to the class what he said. He talked about what it was like living in Paris, how schools are there, what he thinks about New Jersey, blah, blah, blah.

Luc sat down next to me in French and we chatted while our teacher talked.

I said in French, "So what do you really think about America?" And he whispered, "I hate it. I want to go back to France." So I said, "You're not alone."

And then we high-fived.

"I want to go back to Quebec," I told him. He said, "I want to go back to Paris. I don't fit in here." "People here are real assholes." "Yeah I realized that when I met you. I still hate you, by the way."

I stopped talking to him after that. And then I pretended to pay attention to what the teacher was saying.

And then I turned back to him and said, "You're a real asshole, you know that. Who doesn't forgive and forget?" "Well then you're an asshole too."

4:11 pm

In maths we had a sub. So my friend Laura and I decided to fuck with her. Laura speaks fluent Russian and so we decided that in the middle of the class, at exactly 4:10, we would both get up and start screaming at each other for no reason.

So we did.

I slammed my fist on the desk during an awkward silence and said in French, "Laura, I hope you know that I love kitties!" And so she got up and started yelling in her angry Russian voice. I ended up ranting on about kitties and started saying some lyrics to Lion King songs.

We were just about to get in our fake little fist fight then Luc had to ruin it.

"Nate, what the hell are you doing? Stop disrupting the class." he said.

And I said, "Stay out of it, Frenchie."

And he said, "You damn Canadian!"

And then he pushed me. And I pushed him back. And then Laura tried to stop us. Only I accidentally shoved Luc a little too hard and he flew into a desk and some prep screamed and ran away.

Luc got up and bit me. Yes, he literally bit me. And then Luc and me started screaming at each other in French again.

And I guess the sub got really scared because she asked a person who the French teacher was and then called her. And then my French teacher came down here and scolded us. She said in French, "You two should be ashamed of yourselves. Nate, you know better than to start a riot in maths class! Luc is a guest here at our school and you should behave, you troubled child!"

And then she slapped me on the wrist. And gave me in-school suspension.

I could have sworn I saw Luc stick his tongue out at me.

5:30 pm

I instant messaged Penny and told her what happened. She laughed at me.

5:50 pm

My French teacher emailed Mum. Mum got mad. Jason got mad and said, "Go to your room, you troubled child!"

I'm grounded again.

9:22 pm

I've decided I'm going to name my little Japanese girl "Enchantee." Or "Shaniqua."

Definitely Shaniqua.

Friday September 29

5:59 am

Had to wake up early for band practice. Stupid band.

When I went to the band hall, I saw Whitney sitting there with Luc. Apparently, Luc plays trombone so he practiced with us. He's actually really good.

Our band teacher, Mr. Prasifka, told me to tell him that he was too flat, so I said to him in French, "Push in your slide, you dumbass!"

9:02 am

On the way to first period, I got smacked in the head by a colourguard flag. I didn't have a chance to eat breakfast so now I'm starving.

1:30 pm

At lunch, Luc and I had to share a seat because we both refused to leave the table.

4:15 pm

Jason picked me up in the limo. I asked, "Mum let you drive the limo?" He said, "Nope. Don't tell her I drove it; she's at a rehearsal right now." "Just don't get high and crash it again." "That was Shane." "No, Jason, no it wasn't."

6:20 pm

Mum came home in a pissy mood. I said, "Hey Mum can you give me a Diet Coke?" She threw one at me and yelled, "I hope you choke!"

Then she started yelling at Peter, her personal assistant.

7:05 pm

Peter got his ass kicked. He didn't make Mum's coffee right, didn't feed the dog (or us for that matter), and he also pissed off some reporters from People magazine. So Mum swore a lot and then said, "Peter, you're fired!"

So Peter left our house, slamming our front door.

When he left, the whole house went into an awkward silence.

And then Shane farted.

9:50 pm

I'm scared for my life. Mum went on a rampage because she was so mad and she punched the wall, ripped up part of the carpet, broke a lamp, and killed a couple of flowers in the backyard.

It was actually kinda funny. She started swearing and then went outside, kicked a tree, and then ripped some flowers of out of their soil, shoved them in her mouth, and chewed on them a bit. Then she spat them out and ripped a branch off of one of our Aspen trees.

It was so cool. She was like the Hulk.

Saturday, September 30

1:35 am

I heard the front door open and saw Shane stumble in our house with Dad. Dad was yelling at him, "Shane! I can't believe you!" And Shane said, "You didn't get this mad at Jason when he crashed the limo!"

Shane got high. And crashed the limo. Just like Jason.

12:45 pm

I woke up early because I heard Jason yelling at Shane right outside my door. I went out there and said, "I'm sleeping, you assholes!"

I couldn't go back to bed, so I went into the kitchen to get some lunch.

Mum said to me, "Peter, make sure to get my dry cleaning and pick the kids up from school." I said, "Mum, it's Saturday. And I'm not Peter."

1:06 pm

I was just eating lunch when Mum came downstairs, iPhone in hand, and said, "Peter, did you get my dry cleaning yet?" She stopped walking and said, "Where's Peter?" And I said, "You fired him. Remember?"

She said, "Well when he gets back, tell him to get that photo shoot rescheduled for next Wednesday at three. I have an interview I can't get out of."

So I said, "Okay Mum. Will do."