~Where It All Started~

A/N: This story is inspired by the movie Juno. I will from time to time use one or two lines from the movie.

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. And No copyright infringement was intended for Twilight or Juno.

Chapter 1

Forks, Washington. The most boring, worthless, piece of shit town in the history of the fucking universe! A place where everyone knows everyone and everyone knows your secret.

Back when dinosaurs roamed the earth, my hippie parents Charles Swan and Renee Higginbotham settled down and got hitched in the Podunk town of Forks, when Renee turned up pregnant. I for one can't even fathom how that happened. I mean, I know how Renee became pregnant, I know the mechanics that come with baby making. What I don't get is the how she got pregnant. I mean with all the various things that hippies shared, you would think that condoms would have been a pretty hot commodity in the communal circulation in a hippie commune, but I digress. Moving on…Being the stand-up guy that he is Charlie, my dad, became of all things, a police officer. Well, how bout them apples, eh? With the news of his unborn child, Charlie had to institutionalize and become one of the very people he detested, had to go and work for "The Man". Renee, the egg donor in my reproductive make-up, couldn't let herself be tied down to one man and a child; oh, no too oppressive, you see her soul had to be free, without earthly ties, so that she can go a free spirit. Which we all know today as a civil way to say a dirty low-down slut, or is that just me? So as you can imagine, when I was able to walk and not a minute sooner, she bolted. Good riddance, if you asked me.

So now it's just me, my dad, my step mom Sue, and my half-siblings Leah and Seth. We are not your average, run-of-the-mill family. Not by any means…

My stepmom owns a bookstore/Native American souvenir shop, and is obsessed with the Quileute tribe and their connection to wolves. She even refers to me and my siblings by marriage as her "pack". Sometimes I swear I hear her howling at the moon. My more rational and sensible self concludes that the howling is just Sue's moaning from Charlie's mind-blowing bedroom skills; but I don't listen to her (my sensible, sane self) very often, because 1. Who wants to believe that their parents are having sex. And 2. well, you know, what does she know anyway? Because truthfully, Sue does a lot of weird, screwball things that just backs up my theory that she just plain crazy. Like whenever we go to the local diner for steaks, she orders hers rare, which I just think is wrong. Why order a piece a great prime meat only to have it platted up barely cooked with blood still gushing from the middle. And if that isn't crazy enough, Sue has these urns that she stole from the old Quileute ruins in La Push, that she swears hold the reincarnations of us all, and no one is allowed to touch them because we will disturb their resting place and mess up the order of something or the other...I forget because I usually just tune her out when she starts babbling on. But you get my point, Sue is a couple of fries short of a happy meal. But it's not just her, no; my dad is incapable of feelings. Sometimes I swear he is a robot. He rarely laughs or smiles. I haven't seen him hug anything in all my 17 years on this earth, including me. Nope, the only thing you'll get out of my dad is the occasional grunt here or there. The only emotional moment that I witnessed my dad have was when he won a season pass to the Mariners in a radio contest. He let out a surprised gasp of pure shock, and thanked the man profusely.

I think he teared up a bit, but then again that could've just been the sun in his eyes.

With these two wack jobs as parents, you would assume that any kids that would come out of this mating, couldn't possibly be normal and you would be wrong! My alien half brother and sister are the most sickly straight laced kids I have ever had the displeasure of knowing. They are so cookie cutter that it's scary. The have acne free perfect russet colored skin, that contrast nicely with their perfect white teeth. They smile, and say please and thank you. Every adult loves them…and it's just disturbing. They are every parents dream.

I, on the other hand, am every parent's nightmare.

I'm blunt, crude, loud, sarcastic, and crass. And I just don't give a fuck. I enjoy making people uncomfortable, and I could give a damn about what I wear as long as I am comfortable. I'm the town's black sheep. The weirdo girl.

And it would suck being the outcast, if it wasn't for my best friend and soul sister, Mary Alice Brandon. She's 4'9", 115 pounds of pure raw hyperness. She is the poster child for perky. She's even the captain of the cheerleading squad. And many people wonder why we are friends, when we're so opposite. But that couldn't be farther from the truth. We're not that much different. Under all that hype and pep, Alice is a super huge mega bitch of epic proportions. She is so out there and in your face, that she almost gives me a run for my money. (Pfft! Like I'd ever run, as if!) But anyways…Alice gets me. She is the ying to my yang. The see to my saw. The Bert to my Ernie. The Batman to my Robin. And a lot of other dynamic duos that I can't think of right now. Which is why I know that she will know what to do with my "situation".

"Lauren Mallory is officially on my shit list!" was her greeting when she answered my call.

"What did the wretched whore bag do now?" I asked, awaiting the day's juicy gossip. See my eyes, yep, rolled em'.

"The slut had the nerve to flirt with Jasper, right in front of me!" She screeched, obviously pissed off. "Even though, everybody knows that I have dibs on him!"

I gasp in mock outrage, "How dare she not respect the sacristy of the dib!"

"Bella, this is not the time to be a sarcastic bitch! There is a diseased covered cunt rag going after my man!"

The man in question. Jasper Hezekiah Whitlock, our U.S. History teacher. Alice claims fell in love with out tall, honey blonde dork of a teacher the moment he opened his luscious mouth, and his thick southern accent graced her ears. Her words not mine. You see, Alice had this fetish for older guys, and cowboys. Mr. Whitlock happened to be both. Alice wants nothing more than to have Mr. Whitlock lasso her up and bend her over his desk…a good ole' hoedown, she calls it. Cue shudder. The chick has problems, but who am I to judge, right? To each is own, and all that good stuff. According to Alice, they are getting married, he just don't know it yet. She has a feeling. And you'll learn quickly not to bet against one of Alice's feelings, not matter how strange. Gotta love Alice!

"Ok, Ali, I'm going to need you to take the melo-drama down by like 16 notches; besides everyone knows that you and Mr. Whitlock are perfect for eachother."

"Ok, I am just going to assume that you are being sincere and not just being your usual bitchy, sarcastic self. But you know what happens when you assume…"

"Ali, I'm pregnant…"

"Ok, now I really don't know if you're being serious or not. Pregnant? Like pregnant, pregnant? You're not just making this up, are? Pregnant, no! Are you sure it's not just a gas baby?"

"Yes, Alice, pregnant, pregnant! Why would I make that up? And what the fuck is a gas baby?"

"Oh, it's—"

"Alice!"

"What?"

"I tell you, I'm pregnant, and you're focused on educating me on the intricate details of a gas baby? As if I give a flying fuck!"

"Wait…you're serious?"

"Deadly!" I deadpan.

"Holy shit!" She breathed heavily, "HOLY SHIT!"

"That's more of the reaction that I was expecting."

"Wow, are you sure?"

"Yeah, dude, I drank my weight in Sunny D this afternoon while down at the corner store, and took like three test. All the while being harassed by Tyler Crowley, douchebag extraordinaire, and all the test came back positive."

"Wow.."

"I know."

"But wait, I thought you weren't going to have sex, for like…ever, especially after being with two-pump-chump, Jacob Black,"

Jacob Black, the longest relationship I've ever had, and whom I gave my deflowering privileges to .We grew up together, because our dads have this unhealthy bromance thing going on. I'm pretty sure they planned on us living happily ever after. We had a good relationship, until we had sex. Everything went downhill from there. Besides the fact that the sex was less than satisfactory on my part, there was no connection. I felt like I was having sex with my brother. And I don't know about any of you, but that doesn't get me all hot and bothered.

"You see what had happened was…you know what, I'm not even going to lie."

"So…who's the father?"

Oh hey, Marty! I guess we're finally addressing the bright, pink elephant in the room. I knew she was going to ask this question sooner or later.

I sigh, and grumbled out the answer. "Edward"

"Masen!"

Aaawww, here it goes…