Chapter Two
Sif Larsdatter had never really had any strong desires growing up. A middle child in a quiet but loving family, always surrounded by horses. She didn't feel a lot of passion in life, but had never been very unhappy either. It had given her family pride for many years providing the elite and carefully bred horses for the Survey Corps, and life was relatively simple. She probably would have been happy continuing her family's trade, if not for the fact that only one of the Lars family children could inherit. She and her younger brother would have to find a trade of their own, or all starve.
The reason she had joined the military, and the Survey Corps after that, were less complicated than most. A strong sense of duty and a desire to be around horses. She didn't place a lot of value on her own life, having been taught from an early age that nothing was more important than duty. Protecting her family and horses had been her mission as a child. She was just protecting a larger family now.
Soon after joining, something changed. A desire. A whole new range of feelings that were nothing like she'd ever felt for anyone, equine or human. It took her more than a year to realize what to call that feeling, and once she did, she attempted to forget. Of all the people it was appropriate to feel that way about, Captain Levi was the last in the world. By Sif's definition of the word, he was about as close as possible to what a perfect human might be. While she, who sometimes felt she was more horse than human, was a gloomy and boring person who wasn't even talented enough to be advanced in rank. She was distantly aware, though didn't pay much attention to aesthetics unless they affected health, that others found her unattractive as well. Her tall but stocky body, with wide shoulders capable of lifting and tossing around 50-pound hay bales with ease, was closer to a male ideal than female, and she'd definitely never been complimented for beauty of any kind. And knowing Captain Levi had such a strong preference for cleanliness, possibly that extended to physical beauty preference as well.
When Squad Leader Hange approached her with their outrageous proposal, Sif thought she may have been dreaming. Even as a slow sinking sensation began to creep into her chest, she said yes almost immediately. After all, she rationalized, if Captain Levi was against it he would simply say no, and no harm done.
But the moment she stood in Commander Erwin's office among these great warriors of humanity, trying to make herself seem smaller than she was behind Squad Leader Hange's back, guilt had stricken all joy from her heart. Really, what was this? Even for the sake of the survival of the human race, asking an individual to give up their right to procreate – or not – with whom they chose was inhumane. Sif was one of the many among the Survey Corps who questioned Commander Erwin's methods and style of leadership that treated the conflict with the titans as tactical victory at the cost of strategic defeat. And evidently he was willing to sacrifice more than just human life in pursuit of his goals. Dignity was a small thing compared to life, after all. And yet without one, the other seemed meaningless.
As she listened to Queen Historia explain the issue to Levi, this outrage only grew stronger. And beside it, utter guilt and self-hatred that she had agreed to participate. Had she really thought Captain Levi might agree to this? No, before that, she should have objected to the very idea. It was wrong to even ask. She couldn't take back this wrong that she had done.
She was still lost in despair when Captain Levi had called out to her in the mess hall. She'd been so guilty and nervous she barely remembered what was said, except offering to lie to Commander Erwin. And then he had approached her in the stable as well, though probably that was just a coincidence. She couldn't imagine what he was thinking, or why he would twice approach someone who'd likely made him feel violated just by her presence.
And then…the thing she still couldn't believe. She woke up the next morning, still wondering if it had been a dream. As she blinked her eyes open to the cold morning, the light outside still dim from the not-yet risen sun, she instinctively raised a hand to touch her lips. Her fingers trembled. Part of her prayed that it had been a dream. Another part was satisfied. She'd had more than enough excitement for one lifetime, and if that kiss had really happened that was more than she could ever wish for.
But more strongly and visibly, what manifested in her chest and in the bent of her brow was anger. She didn't know what had caused Captain Levi to behave that way. Whether it was pity after he had discovered her feelings – as he quite clearly had – whether this was some form of revenge, or whether it was simply easy to do that with someone who had agreed to do much more, in any case, it was a cruel act. Well, on the one hand Sif had been in the wrong to put him in this position, so he did deserve do act as he chose.
And with that thought, she sighed. It was true. She was thinking about only herself again. Maybe Captain Levi was just as confused as she was. Maybe he needed to feel a connection with someone in order to even consider following Queen Historia's cruel command. When she thought about it that way, she realized that if her words had been true, about prioritizing Captain Levi's feelings, then she had no right to object. Especially since she'd already agreed to do much more shocking things. Still…how much of that kind of behavior could she endure before it broke her heart?
She focused on training for the next few days. Inexplicably, Captain Levi showed up now and then wherever she was. Sometimes he just watched. Other times he approached her and talked, mostly one-sidedly. He kept the topics on whatever was happening, or random things, and steered away from what neither of them really wanted to discuss.
This behavior had Sif completely baffled, until Squad Leader Hange had passed by once when she and Levi were talking. As Levi spotted them, he suddenly leaned in close and whispered in Sif's ear.
"I'm just throwing the science freak off the scent. Just bear with it," he murmured in his tantalizing baritone, sending shivers down the skin of Sif's back. "Try to look embarrassed if you can."
Sif's eyes fluttered closed over cheeks that were already red. There would be no acting required to do that, she thought, again swallowing a surge of anger at Captain Levi's reckless toying with her emotions. She waited until Squad Leader Hange was out of sight. Then she shifted to be slightly further away from him, turning away.
"So your decision is…to keep deceiving them as long as possible?" Sif managed with difficulty, avoiding his gaze.
Captain Levi didn't answer at first. "Problem?" he asked at length.
Ashamed again at her selfishness, Sif clenched her fists. "No. I meant what I said the other day."
"On that subject, you really don't talk much, do you?" Levi continued, with one critical eyebrow raised. "The queen suggested I talk to you, but it's still like pulling teeth." He cast his gaze toward a couple of Sif's friends who were nearby, watching their interaction with uncertainty. "But you do have friends. Is it just me?"
Sif closed her eyes, wishing more than once that the topic would shift to something else or the conversation would end. She felt immense pressure when Captain Levi was focused on her. And all it served to do was highlight all her own insecurities and guilt.
"There's no reason for us to talk," she muttered, unintentionally letting her guilt out in the form of aggression. She immediately regretted her words.
Levi's brows twitched together as his sharp eyes flicked toward her with what she could only imagine was disdain. The expression soon faded into simple coldness, and Sif's heart sank. "If you say so," he said.
The next moment, he turned and left. Sif pressed a hand to her forehead, which was feeling hot with self-hatred. She'd felt bad and taken out that feeling on Captain Levi, who'd done nothing wrong. If he didn't hate her already, he must by now. And that wouldn't be so bad, but it would make keeping up this lie harder on both of them. Was there any way to fix this?
That night, Sif found herself standing outside the officer's barracks. She'd never been here before except in passing. Even though they didn't differ much from the lower ranks, apart from being private rooms rather than doubles or quadruples, the door still seemed ominous. She sighed, hashing it out in her mind once more whether this was a good idea. But if it might at least make things easier for Captain Levi, it was worth it. She prepared herself for the possibility that he would turn her away immediately and hate her more for bothering him during his free time.
She entered the barracks, only realizing after she had that she didn't know which room belonged to Captain Levi. She walked down one hall at random, looking for identifying markers on the doors. Some officers put their name on a slat of wood by the door, but some either didn't bother or many of these rooms were empty. Muddy boots lay outside a few rooms. And clean boots outside only one. That was easy.
Sif took a breath. Lightly, she knocked the back of her knuckles against the door.
"Who is it?" Captain Levi's voice. So she'd at least gotten the room right.
"Sif."
Silence. Sif's heart ached. Would he turn her away? Or just ignore her? Maybe that was best, if he really did hate her. It would do credit to the lie if at least someone had seen her come in here, and she was pretty sure at least one person had. Still, being hated by someone she loved was not a good feeling.
When the silence continued, Sif took a step back. It was hopeless after all. But just as she had been about to turn, she heard a creak from inside the room. As she still had one foot point toward her escape, the door slowly opened.
Captain Levi, in a casual shirt and pants, leaned against the door frame with his arms folded. He looked her up and down, his eyes catching on her feet. He glowered up at her. "I was a fool thinking you'd been brave for once. Am I that scary?"
Sif couldn't take her eyes from Levi's. Nor could she keep the affection from her face as she looked at him. She sighed again. "You're probably the scariest person to me," she murmured.
Levi's scowl deepened.
"But that doesn't excuse my behavior earlier," Sif continued softly. "If you'd be satisfied with the company of such a boring person, I came here to…talk. If you like."
Levi's expression didn't change for some time. He didn't seem much interested in what she was saying. "Maybe I should ask you. If I'm so scary, why bother? That duty thing again?"
"Yes," Sif answered honestly. "And because I want to." His eyes opened minimally wider as she said this. She shook her head with a self-effacing shrug. "But I'm at your service, Captain Levi. Whatever you want to do." She looked deeply into his eyes, braving her own guilt and insecurity to add softly, "You have an ally in me, if you want one. Captain."
She might have imagined a softening in his sharp expression as he took this in silently. His eyes crossed down to her hands, which were tensed at her sides. He must have observed that they were shaking, but kindly said nothing. He met her gaze again. "Good timing. I just got to a boring part," he said, holding up a small book that had been folded between his arms.
As Sif blinked in surprise, Levi left the door open as he turned back inside his room. Hesitantly, she stepped inside, unable to stop from looking around curiously.
"Shut the door."
Sif turned and lightly shut the door behind her. Though the sun was almost set, Captain Levi had lit a lamp in a high corner of the room, which lit it apparently well enough to read by. His room was unsurprisingly spotless, his uniform already put away even though they'd only been off duty for less than an hour. At his desk, with his back to her, he was lighting a match under a metal and glass contraption, one of several things in this room that spoke of elegance.
"I've only got coffee," he said. "Want some?"
"Thank you, sir," she replied with a nod.
"Take a seat then and stop hovering like a banshee."
"Yes, sir."
She would have preferred to sit in the desk chair and let the captain sit on his own bed, but he was standing in front of it. Reluctantly, she moved over and took a seat at the foot of the bed. She was surprised that directly across from her at this angle was a book shelf with quite a few books on it. He'd apparently been reading when she came in.
"You read, Captain?" she asked in a neutral tone.
He scowled darkly down at her. "Something wrong with a brat from the Underground being able to read?"
She backtracked, shaking her head. "Sorry, I meant you enjoy it. As a past time."
He shrugged, apparently not as offended as he'd seemed. "I don't get anything complicated, but Erwin recommends war novels sometimes. They're not bad."
"War novels. I see," she repeated, disliking the genre herself but interested by this unexpected fact about him.
"You do anything except kill titans and play with horses?" Levi asked, pulling out the desk chair and sitting in it, folding one lithe leg over the other. She breathed a little sigh of relief that he hadn't elected to sit with her on the bed.
Sif shook her head. "No."
"I'm not one to talk, but I believe you about being a boring person," Levi commented with his head on his hand and bouncing his foot a little. If she didn't know better, she'd say he was amused. "Spend any time with friends?"
Sif shrugged. "Now and then. But being around people makes me tired. I'd rather be alone or with horses."
Levi's eyebrow twitched again. "Scary and tiring. My list of sins keeps increasing."
She quickly shook her head. "I don't feel tired around you, Captain. Your energy level is low and you don't talk loudly, so it's not so draining to be around you."
"I don't know if you think that's a compliment, but it didn't sound like one," Levi drawled irritably. He glanced back at the water as it started to boil. He adjusted something and the water began to drip through the coffee grounds and produce a pleasant smell. He turned back to Sif with his head on his hand again. "And family?"
"What about them?"
"Do you ever see them?"
"No, sir. They're all dead. Except my brother, and I don't see him."
Levi's eyes widened minimally. He clearly hadn't expected that. Sif had been told before that she sometimes said shocking things without warning, but she didn't like showing sadness openly. It seemed to make it worse. "I see. In the Fall?" he asked.
"My father and older brother were in the Operation to Retake Maria," she said, and Captain Levi's brows drew together. "My mother was an accident, about two years after that. She got kicked when some of the horses were panicked in a storm. The doctor said she bled too much inside to save her." Sif shrugged. "So now my little brother runs the farm with his wife. They're happy. I don't want to bother them too much."
Levi took this in silently, watching the floor. He glanced up at the coffee maker and decided there were enough for two cups. He put out the flame and took a spare cup from a small cabinet on the wall. He poured coffee into the two cups and handed one to Sif. He rested his hand over the top of his cup to protect it from dust and sighed thoughtfully.
"Well that sounds pretty par for the course. I'm surprised Historia wanted me to hear that."
"Sir?"
"Ah," he said, and Sif noticed he often seemed annoyed when he had forgotten to explain himself. "Nothing. Historia said you had a good family, that's all."
"I did," Sif said without hesitation. "I do, and I still love those that lost their lives. They taught me that grief is just another form of love. And those that are gone still live in our memories, though every moment with them is precious. I was never unhappy growing up. And memories of them still sustain me now." But after saying this, Sif frowned a little. "I never told Her Majesty that."
Levi didn't seem to have much of a reaction to what she'd just said. If anything, she thought the clouded over expression that tugged the corners of his mouth downward expressed mild confusion. At length, he looked away with a long outward breath. He took a sip of coffee.
"Is it more painful to have it and lose it, or never have it at all?" he muttered philosophically. "Maybe it doesn't matter, everyone's miserable in a world like this."
"Really? I think never at all is worse," Sif said almost immediately. He raised an eyebrow at her, as it had clearly been a rhetorical question. "If I could chose, I'd still chose to love them and lose them ten times over rather than never have known them."
But to her surprise, Levi nodded. "I can see that." He took another sip of coffee.
"Captain," Sif said, gathering her courage. "Have you never loved anyone?"
Levi looked away, clearly lost in some memories she shouldn't try to stir up, but at length he shrugged. "I don't know. Might not be the same thing you're talking about. It's a word that people over-use so it loses its meaning."
Sif nodded. "There are many different kinds of love. But at their root, I think they're the same."
Levi raised his eyebrows. "If that were true, incest wouldn't be a crime."
Sif's lips parted and she blinked in surprise, not having anticipated that response. "Yes…love and lust are definitely two different things. But the way love changes you, makes you sick but also makes you better, I think that's the same."
Levi watched her interestedly for a moment, sipping his coffee as usual with his hand still covering it. "Do you have someone you love, Sif?"
A warm shiver ran up Sif's whole body, not just at the fact that he had so casually used her name, almost like they were friends. He must know the answer. Why was he asking? She couldn't tell from his cold, perpetually tired expression whether he was joking. She couldn't quite take the risk of answering completely honestly, in case it might disgust him. She settled for a partial truth.
"Yes," she said. She took a sip of coffee, hiding her eyes beneath her hair and trying to pretend her cheeks weren't hot.
"And lust?"
She froze. Was he just looking for an excuse to make her leave? Or to break off this arrangement? There was no way that the germaphobe, Captain Levi Ackerman, was flirting or being suggestive. Possibly he was asking out of clinical curiosity, but even so it was not safe to enter this minefield.
"I've felt lust before, yes," she answered honestly. "You haven't, Captain?"
Levi scoffed, looking surprised that she'd turned the question back on him. "Have I ever wanted to fuck someone? Not really. Done it a couple of times, mostly out of curiosity. But I can't say I get the appeal."
"In that case, this situation is especially cruel for you," Sif observed.
"Thanks for the sympathy, but it doesn't help."
A thought occurred to Sif, along with a trickle of anger that she was still trying to let go of. "And when you kissed me? What that curiosity too?"
Levi paused, gaze cast up at the ceiling. "Oh yeah. I did do that. Sorry, I can't remember. Something in the air maybe."
Sif's eyebrow twitched. That was a non-answer. Again, she couldn't tell if he was joking, but that didn't seem in his character. So then the only other option was that he really just didn't care enough to have considered what he was doing. Well, there was no point dwelling over it. It would just make her angry, or hope for more when there was no possibility of receiving it.
"What's the point?" Levi continued, to her surprise. As he looked blankly ahead of him, she sensed he had worn this vaguely lonely expression for a long time and become accustomed to it. "Even if my genes weren't all messed up," he added in an undertone. "You've been here for a while. How many Survey Corps do you know who even try to love anyone?"
Sif considered, a sad topic and one that most Survey Corps avoided for obvious reasons. It didn't need saying out loud among them. "Maybe two."
"They happy?"
"Sometimes. I think."
"And I think you're talking out of your ass," Levi replied, though without any ill will. She sensed the reality was something he'd accepted a long time ago, but still felt distant anger over. "I've seen it a lot over the years, and it's always the same. Fear and being apart makes people crazy. Makes them much more miserable than those that don't try. And if they have a kid, that's one more person to cry and starve when they get eaten."
"And yet they keep doing it."
Levi unfolded his legs and switched the top one. "Yeah?"
"If it were really that bad, I think you wouldn't have seen so much of it over the years. Not that I know," Sif added with a shrug.
"Even though you have someone you love?" Levi pressed.
"Someone unattainable. Might as well be a ghost."
Levi's gaze as he watched her right then was making her body feel hot, even though little had changed about it from a few moments ago. "What kind of person?" he asked softly.
Sif's eyes fluttered as she blinked nervously, looking down at the coffee in her hands. "A noble person."
Levi balked. "Are you serious? You mean like a pig in the interior?"
"Not that kind of noble," Sif muttered dismissively. "A graceful and selfless person. Strong, quiet and kind. Unforgiving in some ways, but honest and straightforward. That kind of noble."
Levi looked away from her. He seemed to sit with that for a moment. It almost looked as if he were happy, but it was hard to tell. "Hm," he said at length. "I don't know anyone like that," he concluded, but now sounded bitter.
"Then I'm sorry for you." Sif took another sip of coffee. She watched the remainder in her hands for a moment as she contemplated whether it was a good idea to ask the question that came to mind. She knew it would only hurt her. But she wanted to know. "And you, Captain?"
"Hm?"
"If you've felt love, or could, what kind of person would it be?"
Levi's gaze remained on her eyes in what seemed like criticism for a moment before it drifted away. He covered his mouth with his hand, setting down his coffee. He took so long to answer, she thought he might be angry. And when he eventually did, she didn't quite understand it.
"You're not bad to talk to, so I forget what it means to have you here. This feeling of being invaded. I don't know what I should say to you."
Thought she didn't understand exactly what he meant, pain crept steadily into her heart as she processed this. Why had she even asked that? Best case scenario, she would only have heard about some person she had no possibility of ever becoming. Instead, she had been reminded of what a burden her very existence was placing on Levi, and in what way he thought of her. They sat in silence together for quite a while.
Sif finished her coffee and braved her nerves to walk over to the desk and place the empty cup beside where Levi was sitting. "Thank you for the coffee, sir. And for talking with me. I enjoyed it."
Levi didn't respond for a moment, still seeming lost in thought. To her surprise, she felt his fingers touch hers. She gasped and almost retracted her hand out of impulse. She tried to calm herself as this felt a little like an unsociable horse on a rare day of desiring a human contact. Levi held her hand gently without moving for some time. He still seemed deep in thought.
"Is it disgusting?" she asked him in almost a whisper, though not wanting this moment to end.
"I've done a lot more disgusting things," Levi quipped, though again that wasn't really an answer. "It's warm. Kind of tingly." He looked up at her searchingly. "Is it worth all the trouble?"
Sif shook her head, even though her heart was pounding. "I can't tell you that. But you can try for yourself."
Slowly, without letting go of his hand, Sif knelt before him. With their difference in heights and Levi seated, he was now just a few inches taller than her. She drew a little closer so their faces were close enough to feel one another's breath, and then stopped, letting Levi make the decision. His eyes flicked between hers and her mouth. His breath came slowly. He closed the distance between them just a little, and hesitated again. Sif badly wanted to kiss him, but she held back, her lips parting. Finally, Levi's lips touched hers again.
She shook from the top of her head to her toes as heat and excitement traveled through her body. Her chest felt lighter than air. Her eyes flicked open to see that Levi's were closed, his brows drawn tight together. It even seemed that he was enjoying it until suddenly Sif felt cold as a firm hand pushed her backward.
"I can't do this," Levi said, looking as if he might be ill. "Go back to your room."
Sif felt that her whole body was suddenly made of lead. Despair and pain struck her so deeply she actually couldn't move for a moment. But then she realized she's be hated more if she stayed. Without allowing a single emotion to reach her face, she got to her feet. She even saluted, though she couldn't speak. When she dared look at Levi again, his hand was covering his eyes and he seemed ashamed.
That was worse than anything.
Sif forced her heavy legs to the door and left, closing it behind her. She shifted one foot after another down the hall until she stumbled and leaned against the wall. She slid down it, to her knees on the ground. It hurt so deeply she didn't even cry. She felt empty. Worthless. This was all such a mess. She had had more than some people ever would, a kiss with the one she loved. But how was it that having a little of some forbidden thing then made one wish for more? How could she love someone who hated her with his entire body?
