Continued…

"Why did you just cut the chapter," Sigurn yelled to the narrator.

Because it was getting too long!

"Well, it was a horrible spot to do that!"

I had to finish the chapter there!

"The Russian narrator would never have done that!"

Are you saying you don't like my narrating skills!

"You are unqualified for the job!"

Well according to the screenplay no one was ever qualified except for the Russian narrator so ha!

"He wrote a screenplay?"

Yep, it is right here, The Life of a Russian Narrator in a Worm World.

"Give that here, it's in his will."

Well his wills wording leaves it to me.

"No it doesn't, I have his will right here."

Oh crap. Run away.

"Get back here!"

So Sigurn chased the narrator across Hill and Dale, over mountains and through steel walls. Determined to catch the narrator who forged my will. The chase went on for hours before anyone realized that I was narrating. The Welsh narrator paled even more and Sigurn cheered, "Yay, the Russian narrator is alive." The Welsh started running faster, Sigurn in hot pursuit. The chase continued for several more minutes before I decided Sigurn was never going to remember. I yelled, 'Just erase him out of existence'. So Sigurn complied and the Welsh narrator ceased to exist, I started wondering why I still remembered him. Sigurn squirmed back over and started celebrating.

"How are you still alive," Sigurn asked.

Remember the Instant Life Syndrome?

"Yes."

Well Einstein used a Lightning Strike on me.

"Why did you asked about the ILS?"

Just wanted to see if that is what you assumed, if it is you are an idiot.

"Hey!"

Anyway, Crow Base 1.

"We're already here."

Why do you do that?

"It is amusing."

Well stop it.

"Never! Muahahahahahahahahahahahaha."

Muahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. My evil laugh was bigger than yours was.

"Don't push your luck."

I've been pushing it for several weeks, nothing permanently bad has happened. Yet.

"Actually," Tomb burst in, "I have to agree with him. Muahahahahahahahah- *cough* *cough*."

You have failed your evil laugh, young grasshopper.

"No one is going Jackie Chan here, got it."

Yes your honor.

"Good, I'm going to check on Freya, make sure he hasn't screwed up."

I bet you $987 he has.

"You're on."

3 to 4 minutes later.

"Here you go."

How did he screw up this time?

"He forgot what a moat was, he was using the wrong end of the shovel, the dirt was piled up in front of the drawbridge, and he forgot how to dig."

Wow, he really did screw up.

"I know, you don't even want to know what happened to that poor squirrel."

"Attack!"

Who was that?

"You're the narrator, I thought you knew."

"Hello, I yelled attack."

"Oh, right. Defend!"

Touchdown!

"I challenge that play."

We shall take this argument to Modern Warfare 3.

"What about me, Log, attacker of your castle?"

You can join our play challenge.

"No, I will have none of it. I came here to kill all you."

"Yea, well it just so happens that Freya, Tomb, and Knuckles are out there."

"Crap. Run away!"

Back to MW3.

"Away."

Wait… I have to narrate elsewhere.

Meanwhile, somewhere in an evil place.

"Now, for evil schemes. Ideas anyone," asked Joe Bananas.

I have one!

"Ah! The Russian narrator is back."

"Who is he," asked the first worm.

Ah! I am going back.

Meanwhile, back at that one base.

"Hey, you're back. Ready for Modern Warfare 4?"

What happened to Modern Warfare 3?

"Yea, well in the thirty seconds you were gone they made an X-box 720 and a Playstation 4."

Already?

"Oh, look. Playstation 5 is out. Along with Windows 9.0."

One moment. I am going to kill the inventors of those.

10 to 57 minutes later.

"Welcome back."

They are dead. No more technological advancements until later.

"Are you still taking that anti-optimistic?"

No, are you?

"No."

Then why are there objects flying out of nowhere?

"Is there something you haven't been telling me?"

Yes, I am the narrator after all.

"Well, will you tell me?"

All in good time.

"Wait! I just realized something!"

Ah! It's too soon!

"Wait… I forgot.

Whew.

"I just remembered!"

Ahhhhh!

"Wait, I remember."

Didn't you just say that?

"Oh yea. You hear that?"

No.

"It is the meeting button."

The meeting button?

"A big red button in the Science Factory that calls all worms to a meeting."

All I hear is screaming.

"I know, the button has a slight problem with it."

Which would be?

"Anytime someone presses the button they get horrendously electrocuted."

Have you tried fixing it?

"Tried and failed. We have made the button explode, burst into flames, make worms spontaneously combust, send objects flying, and it once called a meteor."

Yikes.

"I know."

Let us head over there.

"We are already here."

"I have called everyone here today for an important meeting," announced Einstein, "We have been working on a secret project for, oh, about seven years."

"What is the project called," yelled out a random worm.

"Shut-up," Einstein yelled back, "before I release the felines!"

"What good would they do?"

"Release the felines!" What ensued next could only be described as a massacre. The three cats were released from the cage and immediately charged at the worm. He threw a punch at the first one. The cat swiftly avoided the fist and latched onto his arm, pulling out chunk after chunk of meat. While he was frenziedly trying to remove the first one the second one attached itself to his tail and proceeded to shred it to pieces. He freaked out and was trying to remove both cats unsuccessfully. Soon the third one leapt at his face and things really went downhill. At this point his right arm was nothing but bone and the first cat had attached itself to his left arm. Soon his tail fell off and he fell over, unable to defend himself. Within minutes he was dead. None of the cats were harmed.

"Anyone else care to interrupt," asked Einstein, "No? Good. Anyway, this secret project has produced several incredibly strong worms and we need someone to test fight them. Actually six someones, it would be six on six deathmatch. Any volunteers?"

"I'll go," announced Sigurn.

"Good, five more."

"Me too," stated Tomb.

"Four left."

Rhubarb raised his hand because he almost never talked.

"Three."

"I nominate myself," announced the leader of the Worminators and inventor of the popular sports drink Micks Mix's mix, Micks Mix.

"Two more."

"I will give it a go," decided Gunslinger, brother of Micks Mix, cousin of Sigurn, best pistol shooter on the Gods.

"Last one."

Suddenly the doors burst open.

"Count me in," announced Graveyard, Tomb's older brother and groundskeeper, gravedigger, embalmer, mortician, funeral director, Hearse driver, coffin maker, ghost catcher, zombie slayer, burial specialist, obituary writer, epitaph engraver, and tombstone chiseler of the local graveyard.

"Talk about morbid, anyway, ready? Everyone to the stadium!"

And so all worms squirmed over to the stadium, a very large virtual arena. A random landscape is selected for every battle. Mines, oil barrels, and very large propane tanks are set randomly over the landscape.

"Okay everyone, for the main event. On this side weighing in at six worms, we have… the Outlaws! We have the leader Sigurn! Warrior extraordinaire, trained by Ninjas, Samurais, and Spartans! Specializes in explosives and Ninja Ropes! His handicap is laziness!

We have Tomb! Extreme hand combat expert! His only handicap is his short temper, don't anger him unless you want to see dragonballs flying everywhere and fire that can melt the sun!

Now we have Rhubarb! Weighing in at 300 lbs (all of it is muscle)! He can squirm fast, bend steel with his tongue. He specializes in throwing worms a human mile. His only handicap is, um, his lack of coordination.

Micks Mix, he specializes in utilities and his sports drink which would make Log's heart beat so fast he would have a heart attack! His handicap is lack of explosive experience.

Next we have Gunslinger, competitive pistol shooter and quick draw champion! He once managed to shoot the gun out of his own hand when he challenged himself to a quick draw! His handicap is that he always wears his western style hat.

And finally we have Graveyard. Master of the morbid, king of the killed, despot of the dead! Specializes in everything sullen and morose, he can not be intimidated, he once stared down an angry bear and it ran crying! He has absolutely no handicaps!

And in this corner we have the, drum roll please… the Android Annelids! First is T17, programmed with a voice that sounds like the Terminator! Top of the AI, he makes 4,400 calculations a second!

Next we have 4 A.M. P.M! He was programmed to make impossible shots! He will be Gunslinger's worst nightmare!

Now for T16dec! He is the most realistic AI, unfortunately for him that means emotions!

Squirminator2k, there was a slight malfunction while he was being programmed! So now whenever he fires a shot he always says his target, the expected time it will hit, and how to dodge!

Dark Crow! He was our most important part in the project! We have successfully combined AI with something extra, he can transform into a crow! His accuracy is not very good, but he has communications with the rest of the team! He can find out where everyone is, so be aware.

Finally Beat2k! He should be easy enough to find as there was a malfunction in the radio. Now wherever he goes, there will be music!

Now that all formalities have been finished the battle will commence. Let the landscape generator activate… Oh, great battle spot, Two for One Price Island!" Two for One Price Island (twoforoneprice on Worms 3d) is a large floating island about 50 ft above the water. It progresses along on a bunch of little islands and two spiral staircases. One of the islands is a "garbage disposal," an island that contains a big gaping hole in the center, convenient to push worms into. It is also best when indestructible.

"Ha," yelled Einstein, "My speech was longer."

Yes, but you were listing off all worms and their specialties and handicaps.

"Anyway, let the battle commence!"

Immediately after those words all worms scrambled. All except for Graveyard, who just stood in the center, patiently watching everything. T17 charged right up to him but still Graveyard stood. T17 then made the fatal mistake of attempting to stare down Graveyard. It fixed him with his hardest stare, Graveyard didn't move a muscle, he just stood there with a blank expression on his face. T17 concentrated harder with still no reaction. It tried concentrating as hard as possible with absolutely no result. T17 pulled out two double barreled shotguns and pointed them straight at him, still nothing. Its hands started shaking, then its whole body, T17 was becoming anxious. Graveyard just stood jaded, he took one glance at the barrels and decided he was going to stare down T17. His stare hardened, the guns started to wobble even more, T17 was sweating now. Graveyard concentrated harder, T17 was becoming more anxious and hesitant, it started looking around, praying for a stray bullet to take him out. Graveyard then had a sudden, ingenious idea, he said one word, and that broke it. The word he said was "boo", T17 wet himself, started crying and ran for his life. The audience was speechless, Einstein's jaw dropped, his state-of-the-art Artificial Intelligence had just been scared off by a morbid grave worker. At the same time Tomb was facing T16dec, he threw the first punch, T16dec dodged like the Matrix and pulled Tomb's hand out of the air, it swung him around and threw him at the spiral staircase. Tomb smashed right into it, leaving a huge crater. He slowly got up and charged back at the android. He tackled it as hard as he could, T16dec just shrugged it off, flipped Tomb over and drilled him into the ground. It proceeded to punch him repeatedly, Tomb was doomed. However, he got lucky, at that moment Gunslinger shot T16dec, 54 times in three seconds with a revolver. One revolver, I don't even know how that is possible, but he lives up to his name. Thankfully, this is a simulation so no one is killed or injured. Everyone has a health meter on a giant television. Currently Tomb's and T16dec's were empty so they were teleported into the audience. Caw, Caw. That was Dark Crow, scanning the ground and alerting his team. Suddenly Gunslinger shot him right out of the air and into the water. The Outlaws are inexorable. Two-thousand one hundred twenty-seventh word at the two. Why I said that nobody knows. Currently on the Health Board: Graveyard and Beat2k at full health. Gunslinger at half health from a grenade along with T17. Sigurn at one third from some mysterious reason. Rhubarbs health was fluctuating wildly. Micks Mix was just teleported out. Still remaining: Sigurn, Rhubarb, Gunslinger, Graveyard, T17, 4 A.M. P.M, Beat2k, Squirminator 2k. Finished: Tomb, T16dec, Micks Mix, and Dark Crow. At this point Graveyard became bored with the battle and decided that it was a draw. So he walked out of the arena and went back to digging graves. Three v. four worms. Sigurn suddenly tripped and landed in the drink. Two to four, maybe they aren't as unstoppable as previously thought. Very quickly after that it was one to four, Gunslinger did not draw fast enough *Gasp*. Rhubarb v. T17, 4 A.M. P.M, Beat2k, and Squirminator 2k. Rhubarb was looking around, very curious as to why he was the last worm. Beat2k advanced on him, Rhubarb was still looking around, completely oblivious to the approaching danger. Beat2k was almost on Rhubarb when he suddenly swung his fist around, nailing Beat2k in the face. If this were not a simulation, its head would have been thrown clean off. Instead it just went flying very far. The remaining three androids realized the threat he posed and approached him simultaneously. Rhubarb looked at T17 then started charging at 4 A.M. P.M, but he tripped over flat ground and crushed Squirminator2k under him. The two remaining androids made a mad dash at him. Rhubarb got up just as T17 threw a punch at him, the fist hit Rhubarb and T17 screamed in pain, it was as if he had just punched pure, compressed iron. As T17 was writhing on the ground Rhubarb picked up 4 A.M. P.M swung him around in an ellipse, the swinging quickly became faster and faster until Rhubarb just went and smashed it right into T17. A couple of worms were looking at the big screen when that happened, the health bars went from practically full to completely empty in yoctoseconds (10 to the negative 24th power).

"And the Outlaws are victorious," Einstein cheered.

The crowd is going absolutely wild!

"Not really," Einstein yelled back, "they are still gaping at what Rhubarb just did."

The crowd is going wild right about… wait for it… they are still gaping… Now! Wait… still gapi- *applause* Hey! I was narrating. I will now start playing some random form of music… never mind. I am leaving.

Meanwhile, wait… not meanwhile, about thirty minutes after the victory at Crow Base 1. (I am talking about the victory at the arena.)

"Sigurn," started Tomb, "I think we are going to war."

"What makes you think that," asked Sigurn.

"Because Einstein just got an E-mail that says-"

"Wait, I'll read it."

Dear Einstein,

With absolutely no regret I must inform you that we are declaring war on all worms on the islands. You have been a nuisance to us and we will eliminate you and take over the world. You have been holding us back for a long while but we will tolerate it no more. We just wish to warn you that you have thirty days to pack up and leave so that we may hunt you down later. If you wish to put up a fight I will tell you that it would mean the end of you because we have some very powerful worms on our side. Fighting back is not recommended and as of now I am updating my Facebook status to "At war". Also just in case you decided to flee into space we have a group of very advanced and evil aliens ready to chase you down and exterminate you. And no, we are not talking about Daleks. Anyway, dnfgjklanflvno. Sorry about that, Yertigonilt face-planted on the keyboard, don't know why I didn't bother to delete it. Anyway again, you will surrender your secret base or we will take it by force. Kfgnikbnf. Stop face-planting Yertigonilt! Wait… why did I type that. Also I am denying your friend request.

In evilness, Joe Bananas.

"This is horrible," complained Sigurn, "They have discovered this base, we will be besieged!"

"If you think that was strange you should see what Einstein wrote."

Dear Joe Bananas,

With absolutely no regret I must inform you that we will not surrender or retreat. You will feel a full defense, and if that fails a full rebellion. Also it does not matter how much of an army you have, you will be stopped no matter what the price would be. I also just updated my Facebook status to "indifferent about war declaration". I have no issues with worms face-planting on my keyboard because none will get close enough. I never sent you a friend request so I do not know how you received one from me. Also your war declarations through E-mail is getting very annoying, so far I have counted 44 and you have not won a single war. You may have your own aliens but we have ours. If we have to we can run through more than just space.

I shall return despite the fact that I never left, Einstein.

"Is it just me or is Einstein horrible at E-mailing," asked Sigurn.

"It's not you, he really is horrible," answered Tomb.

"Why did we put the computer outside?"

"I don't know but it is really cold."

"I'm heading in."

"Hey, wait for me."

Now I'm the only one outside. Why am I still out here, it is freezing. What is that? Oh, it's a banana! … Wait… that's not a banana, that's a banana bomb! *Boom* *Boom**boom**boom**boom*.

"What was that," queried Sigurn as he squirmed outside.

The old narrator just died. I am here though.

"Hey, you have a Norwegian accent."

I know, that's where I was born.

"Anyway, are we under attack so soon?"

How should I know?

"You're the narrator! It is your job to know," Sigurn yelled, clearly very angry.

Normally I would cut the chapter off here but Sigurn is angry enough as it is so we will go off at a tangent for a bit longer.

"Who are you talking to," Sigurn yelled, becoming increasingly angry.

No one, You are under attack though.

"What makes you think that?"

Because I can see an army approaching the base.

"Battle stations everyone! Rhubarb, man the catapult. Not the normal one, the really big one that can launch very very big boulders. Freya, raise the drawbridge! Amoeba, retrieve weapons for me and DragonFace to use!"

"Blasted," shouted DragonFace, "retrieve large boulders not being used to block loose objects! Rhubarb is going to need them! Knuckles, if the drawbridge fails or Freya does not get it up, punch anyone that enters! Tomb, man the turret!"

"I'll get the other turret," announced Sigurn, "Tomb, the turret you are manning is for worms! The one I have is for Aircraft, or flying rocks from catapults and trebuchets!"

"I'll set up some sentry guns," yelled DragonFace.

The siege is on.

To Be Continued…


Cliffhanger! I am so excited, it took forever to write this chapter. Finally the Russian narrator has died, no narrator will last as long as that one. I said violins in the summary because I did not have enough room for violence. I have nothing else to say so I will skip right to the questions.

Where did Sigurn learn to disappear?

How did Tomb get his name?

Who are those evil worms?

Does anyone know any accents I haven't used?

Why are all the good worms so naïve?

How will this siege end?

Why is Freya such an idiot?

Why is Graveyard so morbid? (I love that word, morbid)