Chapter 2
The jet hovered low over the canopy, as Bucky and Steve climbed a ladder to the cockpit. It was 3AM now, and the jungle had returned to it's eerie silence, bar the whirring sounds from the jet. Once strapped inside, they took off at full speed,
"What's the latest?" Steve asked the pilot,
"T'Challa took out the last of Erik's soldiers. He is interrogating them now."
"Any idea what they were after?" Bucky asked,
"Not yet. But there were plenty of things stored in that base that would prove deadly in the wrong hands."
"Tell me about it." Bucky rolled his eyes.
When the pair finally reached Steve's apartment it was late evening. They had slept for most of the journey, but were now feeling quite peckish, having lived entirely off of snacks. Steve made a quick trip to the grocery store, while Bucky took a shower.
Steve returned to find his friend lounging on the couch with just a towel around his hips, browsing through one of his sketchbooks. Steve felt his cheeks burn, when he thought of what the book contained. He sketched all kinds of things, but most of the pictures were of the same subject. He strolled straight into the kitchen, and started putting the shopping away,
"Here, let me help," Bucky said from behind him, reaching for a Nutella jar, "Oh wow you got the good stuff." Steve shook his head, hoping his face wasn't red,
"Well you seemed pretty pissed off when you were deprived of it before, so I thought I'd better stock up." Steve took the jar back, placing it in the cupboard.
After all the shopping was put away, Steve put a pizza in the oven and set a timer,
"So, Steve, I was looking through your sketchbook." Bucky's tone was teasing. Steve felt the burn return to his cheeks,
"You were huh?" He tried to sound casual, walking past his friend to leave the kitchen. Bucky stuck his arm out, grabbing Steve's shoulder,
"Look at me a second?" He said, more seriously this time, "Why're you hiding? You know I'd be the last person to judge you."
"It's not that." Steve shook his head, and tried to meet his friend's eyes. They were swimming with concern, "I missed you, Buck. I'm no scientist, so I'm pretty much relying on others to find a way to fix your head. I felt completely helpless…"
"What hydra did to my brain isn't your fault, Steve. You can draw as many pictures of me as you like okay?" Bucky was close, closer than they had been in a long time, and he was practically naked. Steve nodded, and Bucky lowered his arm. Something unfamiliar bubbled up in Steve's chest, something akin to disappointment. What was going on with him?
There was no further news on Wakanda the next day, so Steve brought Bucky along for his morning jog. Bucky had slept on the sofa, and was complaining of a crick in his neck, so Steve insisted that moving about would do him some good.
"You do realise this is how Stark knows where you live right?" Bucky commented, "I mean apart from this being where we grew up." They were jogging through a small, local park in Brooklyn,
"I'm in disguise…" Steve pointed to his baseball cap,
"Yeah cause that's totally hiding your famous face." Bucky laughed. He could just about keep up with Cap, but it was more of a sprint for him,
"I can't stay cooped up indoors all the time. I'd go stir-crazy."
"I feel like you've forgotten what covert even means."
"What about you? You don't even have a cap." Steve gestured to his head. It was true that Bucky's face was exposed, but then again the Winter Soldier had always kept his face hidden. He was wearing a dark, long sleeved shirt and black gloves, so it's not like his arm was visible. He'd even tied his hair back,
"I think I'm less conspicuous."
Just as the pair rounded a corner in the park, there was a familiar figure blocking their path. They slowed down just in time not to crash into her,
"Natasha?"
"Steve." She smiled. Bucky was staring at her like she was a ghost.
"Uh, did I miss something?" Steve glanced between them, "And how the hell did you find us?"
"Please." She drawled,
"I told you it was a crap disguise." Bucky reminded Steve,
"Can I borrow your partner?" Natasha asked, glancing over at Bucky, who was now looking sheepish.
"Uh, Buck?"
"I better do what the lady asks." He nodded, walking over to her,
"I'll bring him back in one piece… maybe." She smiled over at Steve, before walking Bucky away. Great, even Natasha knew his 'secret' hideout.
When Bucky finally returned to Steve's apartment, it was late afternoon. He looked pretty grim. Steve insisted he sit down on the sofa, while he poured him a coffee,
"What happened, Buck?" He asked, unsure of where this might lead,
"Aw man… I'd completely forgotten." Bucky smooshed his hand over his face, "I was just starting to remember her before I went into cryo again, and when I saw her it hit me."
"Her fist?"
"No… she's my ex. At least, sort of." Bucky looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" Steve handed him the coffee, which Bucky took a large swig of,
"Hydra tasked me with winning her over, making her think I was on her side… I even slept with her."
"Oh man…"
"I shot her twice. The second bullet left a scar." Bucky winced. Steve thought back to the time Natasha had shown him the scar above her hip left by the winter soldier. He wondered just how many memories Bucky had recovered,
"You were under their control right?" Steve asked,
"Well yeah, but I manipulated her… she wanted to remind me." Bucky took another long swig of coffee. Steve felt his fists clench, as he sat down beside his friend, "Then she did the worst thing possible."
"What?" Steve grabbed Bucky's cheek carefully, turning him so he could see his face,
"No nothing like that. I apologised of course, and she said 'It's okay'. Man who does that? Now I feel worse." Steve stared at him for a while, before relaxing,
"Please don't scare me like that. I know what Natasha is capable of." He sighed heavily. Well he had learned something new about his friend today, "Wait, how the hell did you seduce Natasha Romanoff?"
"You're saying I'm not attractive? Thanks pal."
"No I mean… Nat is… you know."
"Hard to get? In charge?"
"Something like that." Steve's eyebrow raised,
"Yeah… She wasn't fierce back then. She was vulnerable, lonely… I was strong, and she wouldn't have to worry about me. You get the jist of it."
"That wasn't you… That's why she said it was okay. She realised you're not like that." Steve smiled, "You're a good man, Buck."
Steve's best friend looked up at him, and for a moment he felt his gut clench. There was genuine uncertainty there. Like maybe he still thought of himself as a monster.
"Guess I'm the vulnerable one now." Bucky smiled weakly. It wasn't the beautiful smile from before, but a sad, insecure smile. Steve suddenly felt a strong need to kiss that sadness away. He was already leaning forwards, when he caught himself.
What the hell was he doing?
Bucky was his best friend.
He was the only other person on the planet who could possibly understand him, and that was not worth ruining with whatever was going through his head right now. Steve let go of Bucky's jaw, realizing his hand had been there for a while now.
"Steve?" Bucky looked taken aback, "What's wrong?"
"Ah- It's... Time for food." Steve said, getting up from the sofa. He practically marched into the kitchen.
"Steve…" Bucky followed after him, "I wasn't born yesterday."
"No kidding." Steve filled a pan with water, and placed it on the stove. Bucky just stood in the doorway, with his arms crossed over his chest,
"You were about to say something, then you freaked out. Talk to me, man." Bucky was being supportive, but Steve could not go there. He had minimal experience with romance to say the least, and he seriously could not go there with his best friend. Nuh uh. Instead he weighed enough pasta for the two of them, and turned on the gas.
When Steve stepped away from the stove, he turned to see that Bucky had gone from his perch. He set a timer for the pasta, before going in search of his friend. He didn't know what he could say, but he couldn't leave things like this between them.
Steve found Bucky sitting in the bedroom with his head in his hands. He was perched on the end of the bed, and didn't look up when Steve entered the room. Slowly, he sat down beside him,
"I'm sorry, Buck. That was childish of me." He tried, "I guess there's still some crap I have to deal with from my own past, though I'm not sure what that is yet."
"Fine." Bucky looked up at him, "But I'm not sleeping on the sofa again tonight. I'm too tall." Steve wasn't sure how this related to their conversation, but he nodded anyway. They had bunked together countless times back in the old days.
That night, Steve's old nightmare returned.
The train. Reaching out. Failing. Falling. Falling. Screaming inside from the pain in his chest. His heart being torn right out of him as the valley swallowed up his-
Steve gasped.
Bucky was leaning over him in the dark, concern lining his features,
"Steve, thank god." He breathed, "You were shouting."
"Uh, s-sorry." Steve tried to reorient himself. Bucky's thumb brushed over his cheeks, and Steve realised that there were tears rolling down his face.
"You were calling my name." Bucky said quietly. Steve could only stare up at him, still relieved to see him alive. "You told me to grab your hand." Bucky gave his hand a squeeze to illustrate his point. He must have been holding it for some time. Steve pulled Bucky down on top of him, and just clung to him for a moment, holding him firmly against his chest,
"I couldn't lose you." Steve spoke into the tangled dark hair, that now brushed against his cheek. He couldn't say another word.
"I'm here, Steve. I'm right here."
