SpongeBob smiled in Squidward's direction once he realized he was being watched and trotted over, still humming. At the back of his mind, Squidward noted that the sponge's smile was a little lopsided, more tired than usual.
"Howdy, neighbor! Did ya come to see how I was doing?" SpongeBob's crooked smile widened as they made eye contact, and Squidward cringed. As always, he couldn't understand how the sponge could remain optimistic while working a minimum wage job.
Squidward slumped against the windowsill.
"SpongeBob," he began, "in all the years that we've worked here, have I ever come to see how you were doing?"
SpongeBob tapped a finger against his chin thoughtfully. "Huh...now that you mention it, I don't think you have, Squidward."
"I haven't," Squidward ground out. "And do you know why?"
SpongeBob shook his head.
"Besides the fact that I don't care and I can't stand you, I'm just too busy getting verbally abused by obese nimrods who can't afford healthy food. That's why."
"If you don't like it, maybe you could work in the back with me for a bit," SpongeBob said, eyes hopeful.
"You see that?" Squidward threw his tentacles in the air in exasperation. "This is why we will never get along. It's like you can't comprehend half the things I say." He shook his head dazedly. "I should be raking in the dough, considering the pain I willingly put myself through every day. Instead, I can barely buy enough groceries to..." Squidward stopped, but it was too late.
"Squidward," SpongeBob admonished, wagging a finger at the octopus. "I was wondering why you've been looking so skinny. You can't just let yourself starve like that..."
Squidward glared at SpongeBob, suddenly angry again. "Well, blame Krabs, alright? He's been even greedier than usual lately." He paused, remembering SpongeBob's tired smile. "Besides, you don't look so pretty either. But then again," his mood soured as he remembered more. "it must be stressful keeping the entire neighborhood up all night."
Spongebob turned around briefly to drop the patty he'd just cooked onto a bun sitting on a plate next to the grill. Squidward's nose twitched at the smell and he turned away, scowling.
SpongeBob faced him again, eyes softening as he patted the grill behind him, "Just wait for me when we're off and I'll make you something extra special, Squid. Or, better yet, come with me to my place after work and I'll fix you a signature SpongeBob SquarePants dinner."
Squidward cringed. A signature SpongeBob SquarePants dinner? He didn't even want to imagine what that might entail. Images of cake and ice cream being served for dinner floated in his mind. Although, now that he thought about it, that didn't sound too bad. What do sponges eat anyway? Algae? Blocks of cheese-like food? Or maybe…
SpongeBob grunted beneath the weight of a massive plate topped with about twenty krabby patties. Squidward was sitting at the dining room table, fork and knife in his tentacles as he drooled at the sight. The plate fell onto the table, shaking it with its weight. SpongeBob bent over, heaving breaths as he winked at Squidward. "Here you go, Squid! Just the way you like 'em...and I made them with my special ingredient too!"
"What's that?" Imaginary Squidward asked, licking his lips.
SpongeBob fluttered his eyelashes at him suggestively. "Love," he said.
The dream disintegrated as Squidward shuddered at the way SpongeBob had looked at him in it. He couldn't think of anything creepier than being adored by a sponge. I mean, wasn't he practically a plant with eyeballs?
Furthermore, how could a creature be so annoying that it literally made dreams disintegrate?
Squidward crossed his tentacles, warily surveying a shredded slab of meat that hung over the counter next to SpongeBob.
"Well, let's just say I'm glad I've never accepted any invitations to eat at your place." Squidward grimaced as a sliver of the meat fell to the floor with a splat. "I don't want to know how often that happens...here or there."
Squidward felt bile rise up his throat as a realization hit him. He scratched the back of his head nervously.
"Um...this doesn't happen a lot...hopefully?"
SpongeBob chuckled as he picked up the meat from the floor and placed it back on the counter. "I know what you're thinking, Squid, but don't worry. I only give people floor patties if Mr. Krabs says so. Or if they're really mean to you." SpongeBob paused. "Okay, so I guess that means I give them to almost everyone. But I don't give them to you, Squid! I make them extra special for you since I know how much you-"
"Sh-Shut your mouth, you idiot!" Squidward cut him off, reddening. He looked anxiously over his shoulder to see if anyone had heard. "Seriously, do you not know the meaning of respecting someone's...uh...secrets?"
SpongeBob shrugged. "I'm sorry, Squid."
It was true, though. Squidward would happily eat a krabby patty out of the dumpster behind the Krusty Krab if he was hungry enough. He knew this because he had done so on more than one occasion.
Not that he'd ever let anyone know.
"Okay, well, I feel like I have to ask if you've even cleaned your house after last night," Squidward said, eager to change the subject. "I bet it's a total pigsty. With punch bowls, and punch, and cone hats, and...uh…other party stuff all over the place!"
He felt his temper return with a vengeance at the reminder of what had spoiled his day in the first place.
"Well, you're always welcome to help me clean, Squidward," SpongeBob said kindly. Then, beaming, he said, "Gosh, I've always dreamed of the moment that you'd step into my house and annoy me the way that I annoy you."
"And I've always dreamed of the moment that you disappeared forever," Squidward said under his breath.
"By the way," SpongeBob said, "I've been wondering and I haven't gotten to ask. How's your painting going?"
Squidward shot SpongeBob a look that made him wince. Then he rubbed a tentacle against his forehead, and sighed.
"It isn't going anywhere, thanks to you. The only thing that keeps me from throwing myself out of the ocean and into a seagull's mouth is the promise of putting my feelings onto paper. But as you can see, if I did that now it would just be a bunch of sailor words."
"You're competing in the same oil painting competition, right?"
"Yup," Squidward said shortly. "And I'm gonna pretend that it isn't terrifying that you know so much about me."
He honestly didn't know how SpongeBob knew about it. Unless…
He'd told SpongeBob about it or something.
He thought it over for a moment and realized that he probably did. Fish paste.
He hated when he did that.
Squidward realized that SpongeBob was watching him, and he felt his muscles tense. Speaking of terrifying, how long had the sponge's eyes been on him?
"Well," SpongeBob finally said. "I like getting to know you, Squidward."
Squidward blinked, not expecting that. "What? What do you mean?"
SpongeBob only smiled, not saying anything. He didn't have to because Squidward could tell from the way that he looked at him.
Squidward tried to scowl in order to keep himself from smiling. Deep down it made him happy to hear such a thing, even if it was from SpongeBob. Even though SpongeBob probably liked everyone and everything, including worm dung on the bottom of his shoes.
That was why he was unable to keep himself from babbling like an idiot.
"Wh-why would you like it? I mean, of course you'd like it. Who wouldn't? I'm an interesting guy, aren't I?"
SpongeBob nodded excitedly. "You are, Squid! And do you want to know why I like getting to know you?"
Squidward nodded.
"Because you're like a mystery, Squidward," SpongeBob said, eyes softening. "I learn something new every day."
Squidward crossed his arms and looked away. His body was trembling uncontrollably with his happiness. No way would he let the sponge see the appreciation in his eyes, too.
"Remember when you were homeless?" SpongeBob asked, suddenly.
Squidward blinked and scowled, his trembling subsiding. "Yes, I remember. Why?" he asked edgily.
"Sorry. I know it's a touchy subject," SpongeBob said hastily. "It's just...I always look back on that time as being when I got to see a new side of you. I mean, you looked so small and vulnerable in that cardboard box. I saw other people throw crumpled up trash at you and point at you and laugh, but all I could think was how proud I was of you for going through all of that and not giving up."
"Oh...well, yeah, I-I guess I don't. Give up, I mean", Squidward said, relaxing a little.
"And I also felt so proud of you because you overcame your fear of cardboard boxes," SpongeBob continued.
Squidward blinked at this, uncomprehending.
"Didn't you say you were claus-claustro...claustrophobic or something like that?"
"Oh. Well, yeah..."
"But then there are other things, too. I keep thinking you've moved on from the trauma of being homeless, but I need to realize that some things are hard to forget," SpongeBob said, voice cracking with emotion. "I just wish I didn't feel so bad-"
"SpongeBob," Squidward interrupted harshly. The sponge's eyes widened as he jerked in fright at the sharp tone. Squidward shut his eyes to calm himself and tried again. "SpongeBob...please. I get it. Just stop."
SpongeBob looked at him a moment before nodding like a bobble head and then sniffing noisily. Squidward fought the urge to cringe. Perhaps SpongeBob's words had touched him more than he let on if he could resist that much.
They fell into a silence then.
During the silence, SpongeBob shut his eyes, stretched his arms up towards the ceiling and yawned. In the middle of his yawn, his eyes popped open and his face contorted into a silent scream.
"Uh...SpongeBob?" Squidward began, confused. "What-"
Before he could finish, SpongeBob spun around and slapped a slice of cheese, onions, tomatoes, lettuce, mayonnaise, ketchup and mustard onto the unfinished hamburger he'd left on the plate. He somehow remembered that the customer didn't want pickles without having to check. He prepared the fries and Diet Dr. Kelp within seconds as well.
Once the meal was finished, and to Squidward's dismay it barely looked any sloppier than even SpongeBob's most passionately crafted creations, it was handed to the octopus on a tray. The fry cook grinned at Squidward.
"Here ya go, Squid. Don't you trip and fall now."
Squidward took the tray from his hands and handed it to the fish who he was expecting further drama from. She was standing in front of the register with her fins crossed again, as though she'd been waiting there for at least a few minutes. To his surprise, she simply pursed her lips and snatched the tray from him before hurrying back to her table.
Once that was over, Squidward turned back to the window and saw SpongeBob's eyelids slowly slide downward as his head lolled forward. Was this really happening right now?
He leaned over and snapped his tentacles in the sponge's face.
SpongeBob flinched and jerked into awareness, eyes wandering aimlessly. "Wh-what what's going-"
"You're falling asleep, you numbskull!" Squidward shook his head in disbelief as he looked down on the sponge who was rubbing his eyes. "And after you kept me up all night, too. Do you feel no shame?"
"Oh, Squidward, I'm sorry." Spongebob said, and he laughed. Squidward's eardrums ripped to shreds instantly. "It's just…I'm kinda pooped, too, I guess. That party was ca-raaaazy. I mean, can you believe that Patrick brought buckets of ice cream from Goofy Goober's?"
"Yeah, I couldn't care less. Are you even listening to me?" Squidward narrowed his eyes at the innocent face that smiled back at him.
SpongeBob stuck his lower lip out. "I know what you're thinking. That I'm a big baby, right? That I'm a weenie?"
Squidward stared hard enough to burn even more holes into SpongeBob's face. There really was no getting through to the freak. "You have no idea," he ground out.
"All I'm trying to say is...that ice cream was really good! It's just like that drink you say you like so much, Squid. Didn't you tell me it makes you feel woozy and you start to feel like you're happy? And then you see stars before you fall blissfully asleep? Or something like that?"
Squidward blinked, unsure of when he'd told SpongeBob about any of this."Um...sure," he said uncertainly.
"Well, guess what?" SpongeBob said loudly, snapping his fingers in Squidward's face this time. "I ate so much that I practically forgot who I was and had to be dragged around the rest of the night. But it wasn't just me. Everyone was totally knocked out from the stuff." SpongeBob's eyes glittered mischievously for a moment. "And you know what else? This sponge became a true man last night. This time for real! If you really wanna know, Sandy and I came this close to-"
Squidward shoved a tentacle against SpongeBob's mouth, cutting him off.
"Yeah, you can stop right there." Squidward really didn't want to imagine SpongeBob canoodling with any creature...much less Sandy. How would that even work? Maybe it was best if he didn't know.
SpongeBob gently pried Squidward's tentacle off of his mouth.
"Anyway, people did ask about you, Squid."
This caught Squidward's attention and he looked at SpongeBob cautiously. "As in, asking if I'm still alive?" That made sense as he was only ever at home or at work.
"No, they were wondering why you never come." SpongeBob's eyes wavered instead of maintaining contact with Squidward's.
"Do they not have anything better to do than to worry about other people's social lives?" Squidward asked a little nervously. He hated being questioned like this.
"Don't worry, Squid," SpongeBob said. "I tell them you're just busy with your art." And SpongeBob shot him that disarming look of unconditional kindness.
"How...how very kind of you." Squidward felt that familiar heat wash over his face and he wished, not for the first time, that he could just kill SpongeBob once and for all so that he'd never have to endure moments like this ever again.
And it was moments like this that made him wonder if SpongeBob really wasn't as stupid as he looked after all.
SpongeBob didn't say anything for a while as he did that eerie thing where he just stared at Squidward again. Squidward didn't even care, though, because he was thankful that the sponge had finished yapping.
"Actually, it's pretty funny," SpongeBob began, making Squidward groan hoarsely. "Larry suggested that one of us go to your house and give you some ice cream. He said it might convince you to live a little...have some fun. It's such a funny idea, don't you think? As if we'd have to do that!"
The sponge smiled at him warmly, the corners of his bright blue eyes crinkling.
"Oh, yeah," Squidward ground out, his tentacles crossed across his chest, perhaps to keep himself from reaching over and choking the sponge. "I'm about to soil myself, I'm laughing so-"
"What are you doing, Mr. Squidward! Didn't I tell you to watch over Cashy AT ALL TIMES?!"
It was at that moment that Squidward could have sworn he felt a pair of feathery appendages sprout from his back as a couple of fat harp-playing angel babies beckoned him through heaven's white gates.
In other words, he almost pooped himself.
Squidward shut his eyes and counted to ten before he felt like he could turn around to face his irate boss. As for the woman from earlier who was eating nearby – and who was still in a hurry – she had jerked forward at the crab's shrill voice, spilling her drink on her shirt before turning towards them, scowling. She then got up and stomped out, burger, fries, and soda in hand, without even clearing her tray from the table. The quiet man in the corner looked in their direction briefly before returning to his meal.
"Mr. Krabs, you nearly gave me a heart attack." Squidward glared at the crab. "I didn't even hear you come up..." His crimson eyes narrowed into slits. "Okay, how long have you been listening to us, you dirty sneak?"
Mr. Krabs puffed his chest out and grinned. "The entire time. It's actually one of the perks that come with being the boss – all the illegal stuff you can get away with!" His grin faded quickly, though, as he leaned over the counter and jabbed a claw into Squidward's narrow chest, making the octopus wince.
"And I'll give ya a thousand more heart attacks if it'll keep you doing your job instead of chattin' it up with Spongebob over there! How many flippin' times do I gotta tell ya to keep an eye on Cashy, Squidward? Do I gotta glue your eyes to the register? Cause I will. I got a glue gun in my pocket in case it comes down to it."
Mr. Krabs reached down and stroked his bulging pocket menacingly.
"Oh, you better go ahead then," Squidward said. "Cause our only customer's just dying to get his fins on the thirty three dollars you've earned today."
Mr. Krabs ignored the sarcastic response and turned towards SpongeBob who was looking tense while watching their heated exchange. He beamed at the fry cook.
"SpongeBob, my boy! I know I'm being a cranky ol' geezer right now, but I nearly forgot my age last night. I still can't believe I did the limbo...even though I was stuck like that the rest of the night...and Bubble Bass sat on me cause he thought I was a chair. But playing "Spin the bottle" completely made up for it! I always wanted to play that as a lad, but I was just too much of a dweeb."
"Shocker," Squidward muttered.
Mr. Krabs turned to Squidward, all evidence of his irritation now gone, and said, "You should've been there, Squidward! I got to kiss Mrs. Puff again after such a long time! And not just her..."
Mr. Krabs then began to recount the many women – and men - he'd kissed at the party. And there were a lot. He pulled out and unfolded a long, wrinkled paper slip from his pocket because he couldn't remember them all.
"This lucky crab won't be washing his face for at least a couple more days. Can you believe I used to raid women's panty drawers just...uh...um...a few...weeks...ago?" The crab laughed nervously as he hastily shoved the paper slip back into his pocket. "Actually, I never did that. Forget I said that."
"Um...Mr. Krabs," SpongeBob said timidly. "Maybe I'm wrong, but weren't you the only one playing spin the bottle?"
"What?" Mr. Krabs's eyes widened.
"Yeah..." SpongeBob's face creased with concentration. "I remember you sitting in the middle of the living room with an empty bottle, spinning it around over and over again. You were laughing a lot and then every time the bottle pointed at someone you ran across the room and kissed them. So people grabbed you to make you stop and Bubble Bass sat on you to keep you from getting away." SpongeBob's face darkened. "Mrs. Puff was pretty upset," he said, with a hint of admonishment.
Mr. Krabs's face fell and he laughed nervously before hanging his head. "O-Oh...guess I ate a lot of that ice cream, huh? Boy, that goofy goober sure hits the spot!"
"Actually...no, you didn't," SpongeBob said.
Squidward shivered and covered his face with his tentacles. "As if this day wasn't awful enough, you just had to plant all those images into my mind. What is wrong with you? Both of you? Actually, what's wrong with me? Why am I still here!?"
Also, wasn't it a sign of mental instability when someone went around kissing so many people like that? It was no surprise if the crab was crazy, though. Squidward recalled a time when he'd snuck off to the restroom during a slow period and Mr. Krabs had barged into the restroom and told him that he wouldn't let him use the toilet until there wasn't a single customer in the restaurant and not a single person was within five hundred feet of the Krusty Krab. Squidward had actually been so frightened by the surprise confrontation that he'd peed all over the floor and was then forced to clean that up while Mr. Krabs took over the register for him.
And docked money from his paycheck.
Squidward snapped out of this flashback when Mr. Krabs's eye stalks leaned towards him, making his eyes widen as he stepped backward instinctively.
"What the-"
"Squidward, you look like a wreck," the crab stated matter of factly, his eyes retracting. "Did something happen last night? You're not depressed, are you? Wait, that's a stupid question."
"I don't want to talk about it," Squidward snapped bitterly.
"You never do want to talk about it, lad. What's the matter with you? You might as well work at the chum bucket with that attitude."
"Well, I guess I've just worked here too long. And it's becoming clear that I have no chance of escaping it."
"And we'll never let you," SpongeBob piped up, winking at Mr. Krabs. "Right, Mr. K?"
Mr. Krabs returned the sponge's wink. "Right!" The crab then turned to Squidward. "You know why, Squidward?"
"Because you're both evil as sin?"
"No, because we're a team. Y'know I still got your job application from a few years ago on file. And do you remember what you put under your skills?"
Squidward sighed, rubbing a tentacle across his face. "I don't know. Slave labor?"
"Well, no, actually. You didn't put anything. But I hired you anyway. And do you know why, Squidward?"
"Because you're an idiot?"
"Because I believed in you, lad," Mr. Krabs said, shaking his head. "Think of it this way. It's the same reason why you keep competing in those snooty art contests even though you never win. It's because you believe in yourself, right?"
I bet he wouldn't take too kindly to a lecture on his greediness, the hypocrite.
Squidward stopped rubbing his face and glared at his boss. "You do realize that you're doing exactly what you just got mad at me for doing, right? Now why don't you go back to figuring out how much to withhold from our next paychecks."
Mr. Krabs's eyes widened and he shoved Squidward aside, making him stumble over his tentacles and fall onto the floor. "You don't have to tell me twice!"
And with that, Mr. Krabs laughed as he scurried away on his stubby legs, leaving Squidward to stagger to his feet and grumble under his breath. "Fun time's over now," Mr. Krabs yelled. "We're gonna have to close soon, so get back to work!"
Once the crab was gone and SpongeBob had ducked back into the kitchen, Squidward became increasingly aware of the stare from the only customer in the restaurant, the fish who had just finished his meal.
"Do you mind?" Squidward snapped at him, his voice an octave too high. The fish averted his eyes, picked up his tray, and dumped his trash into the nearest garbage can. He walked out of the restaurant without a word.
Squidward sighed, as he rubbed a tentacle against his forehead. This migraine was killing him and it wasn't even close to midnight yet. Closing shifts were the worst; it felt like they'd never end.
