In reality, the hole only went down about 10 feet, but to Harry, it felt like he was screaming his lungs out for hours.

"AHHHHH--oh, wait...I stopped falling a long time ago. Let's go exploring!" he exclaimed to no one in particular (although he wished that the French secretary were with him...it was so very dark). He set off at a brisk pace down a somewhat slimy tunnel, practically giddy about discovering what was at the end because it was more than enough of a reason to procrastinate a little while longer.

"How could Snape ever deny that exploring the school is a better use of time than writing an essay for a subject that no one cares about?" Harry inquired of the darkness.

"Like this: 'Potter, when the muggles told you your parents were dead, that's nowhere near the amount of dead you're going to be in the next three seconds.'," replied said darkness.

With completely soiled pants, Harry ran full tilt towards what he thought was the hole that he threw himself down in the first place. However, he had forgotten that people who wear glasses (along with those who don't) have a terrible tendency of not being able to see solid stone walls in the dark. Needless to say, he was reminded of this as his face smacked into such a wall and he careened into something substantial enough to be a human being. Completely scared out of his mind, he began to spew anything that came to mind in an annoyingly girlish screech.

"Please don't hurt me! I'm just an innocent attractive boy of twelve who doesn't want to write his stupid Potions essay! I'll give you anything--I've got some Knuts, a couple of blugders, my wand, I've got tons more in my room! Just DON'T KILL ME, I'M TOO GOOD-LOOKING TO DIE! WHAT WILL ALL THOSE GIRLS DO WITHOUT ME?!"

The being loomed over him for a moment and then extended a hand to help him up as it let out something like a chortle.

"Mate, you've got to stop wandering alone in the dark. You might not get so lucky as to get accosted by your best friend next time," a familiar voice chuckled.

"Ron! Ronald! Ronnie! Thank Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore it's you! I was so afraid that you were a dementor or a werewolf or another shameless girl who wanted nothing more than to shred the clothes from me here and now!"

"Well...you see, Harry...," began Ron somewhat sheepishly, "I--"

"And off we go! What's better than exploring with your bestest friend?! Oh, and you can let go of my hand now. I managed to get up a while ago," Harry added before bounding off into the darkness with renewed euphoria; he was even able to ignore the slight discomfort of bodily waste percolating through his pants with each step he took. Ron, somewhat let down, had no choice but to follow, as he hadn't even heard about this Potions assignment, let alone started it. Besides, Harry might get lost and...well, Ron was quite glad that both of them had neglected to bring a compass.

As they trundled along down what seemed to be another large pipe (fancy that, a pipe beneath a sink), the two boys suddenly heard an explosion at the far end.

Harry, in what he thought to be the best display of Gryffindor pride ever exhibited by a human being, threw out his chest and yelled at the direction of the blast, "I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU!"

"Um...Harry, to tell you the truth...I'm a little scared," mumbled Ron with an unconvincing whimper in his voice. He wasn't afraid in the slightest, but he thought this to be as good an opportunity as any to try and win Harry over. "Perhaps we should just stay put and...stick together," he breathed in his friend's ear as he slipped his sweaty hand into Harry's back pocket.

"RONALD!" Harry screamed suddenly, "There's a wolf behind us! I've just felt its wet muzzle on my tush! Run like you mean it, sir!"

Before Ron could even smack his forehead in frustration, Harry had taken off once again in blaze of glory (it may have actually been urine at that point, since "the wolf" has elicited another bladder release). But before the soaked child could proceed another inch, another somewhat substantial being roughly the size and shape of a human jumped into his path and knocked him off his feet.

"How many bloody people are down here?!" squealed Harry in alarm as the shadowy figure ran around him. Instead of attacking the soggy thing on the ground (aka Harry), it pelted straight towards Ron, who was still back where the "wolf attack" had taken place. He was so lost in thought about how to seduce his best friend that he failed to notice that he was about to be savagely pummeled.

"Ronny, look out! You're going to get all your money stolen! Wait, you don't have any...never mind!"

However, it was too late. The attacker had pounced and pinned Ron to the ground before Harry even realized that he could get up and potentially do something to help his friend. Being the clever but humble twelve year old that he was, Harry decided to hide behind a boulder (which he conjured out of thin air) until the alarming encounter drew to a close.

"Who are you!?" bellowed Ron as struggled against his assailant's grip.

"Why, Mr. Weasley!" replied the mugger, "I'm surprised that you don't recognize me! After all, you've got a middle-aged overworked homemaker witch of a mother, so she's BOUND to know who I am!"

"...so...who are you!?"

"Why, I'm none other than--"

"Who are you?!"

"I said, I'm none other than--"

"WHO ARE YOU!?"

"The Famous G--"

"Oooh, you're famous? Goody, I get to tell the triplets, Fred, George, and Ginny, that I was jumped by a famous person! Now...WHO ARE YOU!?"

"THE FAMOUS GILDEROY LOCKHART, YOU BLUNDERING TWIT!" screeched the disturbingly indignant wizard.

"Oh...it IS you!" cried Harry as he stepped out from behind the boulder, "I was wondering who the heck else would be down here! Silly me...now, WHO ARE YOU!?"

"Hang on a second, mate," wheezed Ron (Lockhart was crushing his ribs for no reason at all), "we've already established who he is. Now we have to ask what he wants."

"Right you are, Ronald!" agreed Harry, "Well, WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"

"Why are you yelling?" Lockhart inquired after pausing to see how long the echo of the boy's last exclamation could be heard through the pipe.

"Because it makes me sound more intimidating," replied Harry matter-of-factly, "Now, Mr. Gilderoy Yourcrushingmybestfriend, I'd like to know two things: what is it you want and do you prefer one or two lumps in your tea?"