Chapter 2 – Guests.
Naomi sat in the passenger's seat of Campbell's Plymouth Sundance as it tried to make it through the blizzard. She held a case full of her serum against her breasts and was guzzling a thermos full of coffee in a last ditch effort to stay awake for a few more hours. The vehicle slowly screeched to a halt while turning the corner into Ocelot's neighborhood. Campbell managed to break free from the snow without having to get out and push the vehicle. He parked next to the curb in front of Ocelot's humble home.
Ocelot opened the door, stepped out into the blizzard, and motioned for them to come in as they made their way up a small hill of snow because Ocelot was too lazy to shovel his driveway. Naomi was far too exhausted for any form of exercise and collapsed face first into a drift. With her mouth agape and her eyes rolled into the back of her skull, Naomi had never been more comfortable in her life and could sleep on Ocelot's front lawn for the rest of forever. It would be wonderful to no longer feel obligated to deal with the consequences of her flawed revenge. Campbell helped her up and shouldered her until they finally got inside Ocelot's house.
Naomi noticed a bit of glitter twinkling in the carpet a few feet from the front door and grinned. Snake had allegedly glitter bombed Ocelot's Tornado. Ocelot hadn't managed to clean all of it up and was still finding it all over the place. She had also been told that Ocelot collected a variety of torture instruments and spotted an iron maiden in the corner of the living room next to a bookcase.
Ocelot emerged from the hallway. He was twirling his Single Action Army in a futile effort to relax. He was dressed the exact same way he had been during the tanker incident, which lead Naomi to wonder if he ever changed clothes.
"Where are the drugs?" Ocelot asked.
Campbell pointed at the briefcase Naomi was carrying. Naomi sat down on Ocelot's couch and placed the suitcase on his coffee table. She opened the case, revealing six auto injecting needles. Ocelot immediately took one of them and stabbed himself in the neck. He took a single step into his kitchen, turned around, and tossed the needle over his shoulder into the trashcan across the room as he walked back into the living room.
"Wait here. I need to find the keys to the Shagohod," Ocelot said.
He took two more needles from the case and vanished into his hallway. Roy sat down in a recliner next to the couch. Naomi spotted something pink underneath Ocelot's rocking chair. It looked a little familiar. Upon closer inspection, Naomi discovered a pair of her panties that had gone missing stuck beneath the chair. This brought several questions to mind that Naomi didn't want to have answered. She wasn't sure if she should take the underwear back with her.
A strange noise came from the iron maiden. It sounded like a muffled scream. Naomi and Campbell looked at each other and then at the metallic contraption. A chubby face leered at them from the top of the device. If somebody was actually strapped down and impaled inside, Ocelot's lavish shag carpet would have been ruined by a gallon of blood.
"Should we open it?" Naomi asked.
"I don't know if I could live with myself if I didn't," Campbell replied.
He grabbed a handle on the right side and pulled the device open. The smell of horrendous body odor filled the room. Inside was a woman clad only in a sports bra and thong that didn't match. A thick black sack was placed over her head, but a small hole had been cut around her nose so that she could breathe. The woman had been strapped to the inside of the iron maiden with several metal braces around all of her joints. There was no possible way she could move. Roy quickly removed the bag off her head and gasped in surprise at the icy blue eyes that stared back at him. He noticed that she had been gagged and pulled the piece of tape off of her lips and removed the two socks that had been covered with Mentholatum from her mouth before addressing her formally.
"Olga, is that you?" Roy asked.
"Get me out of here!" Olga demanded.
"You'll get out as soon as you can tell me why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch," Ocelot said as he marched into the room with a ring that held about twenty-five keys.
"It's because of the cinnamon swirls in every bite. Kids love sugar. It gives them an excuse to misbehave. Speaking of children, tell me what you have done with my daughter!" Olga demanded.
"Not until you tell me who you would give your last Rolo to," Ocelot said.
"My father. The man you murdered."
"You don't have to remind me, I remember that event fondly. What would you do for a Klondike bar?"
Olga screamed at the top of her lungs.
"You'll have to do better than that if you want to catch the attention of my neighbors. This house has very good insulation," Ocelot said.
"Is this a hobby of yours?" Noami demanded. "Luring defenseless women into your house and then stringing them up like this?"
"Of course not. It's just part of a new decorating scheme I've bought into. It's called boredom," Ocelot replied. "And for your information, Olga is hardly defenseless. She came at me with a knife. I believe I responded appropriately."
"Out of everyone around here that could snap on you, I'd say she has the best reason," Naomi said.
"Yes, she should have stayed dead, but knowing that she exists and suffers because I am still alive helps me battle my depression even if she is a clone."
Olga very nearly broke free of her restrains trying to get at Ocelot.
"I'm a what?"
"Don't take it so hard. Your daughter won't know the difference unless someone tells her."
"Ocelot, would you knock it off?" Naomi asked. "Hasn't she suffered enough?"
"You're asking me?" Ocelot asked, shocked.
"We don't have time for this," Campbell said. "Let her go. If you don't, I will."
"I intended to. If you two hadn't noticed the iron maiden, I just might have forgotten about it. I won't be home for quite a while once we leave and I don't know anyone who could stop by and feed her once a day. Naomi, hold these for a moment."
Ocelot handed her the key ring and disappeared into the hallway once more before he emerged holding a sealed folder and a sack full of Olga's clothes.
"I doubt that you will believe me when I say this, but I personally ensured that your daughter remained safe because I knew she would be useful. This is half of what you came here for and you should consider yourself lucky that you are even getting it after you tried to kill me. It even includes a recent photograph of her that was taken five months ago. Pin it to your fridge. You will never get the other half of this information if I die, so start rooting for me now."
The key to Olga's restraints was hanging on a nail inside the iron maiden and had been in front of her the entire time. He released Olga and handed her the folder and the bag of her clothes.
"I believe you might actually thank me before all of this is over," Ocelot said.
Olga dressed herself and hurried out into the storm with the folder Ocelot had given her without checking to see what was inside.
"You could have called her a cab," Campbell said to Ocelot.
"She's Russian. This weather is nothing."
"Why has Liquid been so quiet? I figured he would have a lot to say," Naomi asked.
"I shot morphine into my arm."
"You should probably let me drive," Campbell said.
"Nobody touches the Shagohod but me. Besides, I normally require an unusually high dose of any type of narcotic before I get even the slightest buzz."
Ocelot took the keys back from Naomi and motioned for them to follow him. He led them into his garage. Next to his trusty Tornado was a rather peculiar vehicle that had no identifiable emblems anywhere on it. It resembled a Hummer and was colored laser red. The vehicle was equipped with heavy-duty snow tires lined with chains, ensuring that the Earth would slip before it did.
"What is this?" Naomi asked.
"Check the license plate," Ocelot replied.
The rear license plate bared the Shagohod's name proudly.
"Is this custom made?" Naomi asked.
"Yes. The frame is metal, not fiberglass. It's bulletproof. It has a CD player and every other amenity that you could possibly think of," Ocelot explained as he continued going through the keys.
"How much gas does it guzzle?" Campbell asked.
"Sixty miles to the gallon."
Ocelot had lost track of what key he had been on, realized his mistake, and started over from the other end of the ring.
"How could something this heavy have such great gas mileage?"
"That's a trade secret. It has been sitting in a garage in Berlin for quite a while. I recently decided to have it shipped to me so I could drive it again."
The door opened. Ocelot unlocked the passenger's side door and the back door. Campbell climbed in beside Ocelot and Naomi slid in the back. Ocelot opened his garage door with a remote and started up his vehicle. The engine roared to life loud enough to make the dust in the garage dislodge from wherever it had taken occupancy. A field mouse crawled out into view and keeled over, dead from a massive hemorrhage brought on by the unspeakably loud demon engine.
His car launched into the street, momentarily halting as the chains on the tires viciously tore underneath the snow and ice before they finally found concrete that they scraped hard enough to produce a flurry of sparks. Everyone lurched forward as the tires took hold and flung the vehicle forward. Ocelot turned on the heater and within a matter of seconds the whole vehicle was cozy.
Naomi noticed a bracelet hanging from the rear view mirror and pointed at it.
"What are those for?" Naomi asked.
"These?" Ocelot asked, playing with them for a second. "I stole them from Raven. They're care beads, or some mumbo-jumbo like that. They apparently bring the owner luck."
"Do they work?"
"Only if you pay them."
Ocelot continued disobeying many major traffic laws while Naomi and Campbell hastily fastened their seatbelts. As they crossed an intersection, some poor unfortunate soul ran a stop sign and crashed into the side of the Shagohod. The vehicle barely twittered in response to the collision. Ocelot's face turned a dark shade of red as he slammed on the breaks, causing his car to come to a screeching halt. Ice flew everywhere and pelted a couple of cars that were parked along the curb.
"Who was that?" Ocelot demanded as he stuck his head out the window.
His assailant had once driven a Dodge Viper. Now it was scrap metal.
"The higher the insurance deductible the more carefully you drive!" Ocelot shouted at the driver, who was obscured by an airbag. "You had better start praying that there isn't a single scratch on my car!"
Ocelot got out of his car and checked the side of his vehicle for any marks. The person who had hit Ocelot got out of his vehicle and slowly stumbled towards him. Naomi noticed that he was wearing a pair of swimming trunks in the middle of the storm of the century. She knew only one person that crazy and recognized the man immediately.
"Hello, my name is Kyle. You can call me Kyle because we don't know each other very well," Kyle said to Ocelot.
The tinted windows made it impossible for Kyle to see Naomi. She had worked with him at the Praying Mantis as Mantis' temporary security since he had blended in well with his clients. Ocelot appeared to recognize Kyle.
"What are you doing out here dressed like that?" Ocelot asked.
"I'm late for a job interview at Fiterific. I am hoping to become a lifeguard at their indoor pool. You don't wear a suit for that. By the way, my dad works for the government. That was his car. I hope your finances are in order because you're going to be audited this year. Thank you."
Ocelot took out the revolver he had holstered to his side and shot the man directly in the shoulder. Kyle crumpled to the ground as Ocelot got back inside his vehicle and drove away.
"Aren't you going to get into trouble for that?" Campbell asked Ocelot.
"You're joking, right?"
"He said his father works for the government."
"Then I'm his boss, stupid."
"Oh. That's right, isn't it?"
They entered a new block where a group of children were playing in the street. Alliances were being formed during a massive snowball fight. Three kids were down in the breech. Ocelot did not slow down for them. Two leapt out of the way while a little girl in a hot pink jacket dropped to the ground and curled up into a fetal position. Ocelot maneuvered slightly to the left and drove over her. Naomi and Campbell looked back in time to see the girl get back on her feet, unharmed.
"How far does Snake live outside of town?" Naomi asked, curious as to how long she would have to endure Ocelot's reckless driving.
"He's quite literally in the middle of nowhere, but the Girl Scouts still managed to find him," Campbell replied. "We should be there in thirty minutes."
One hour later. . .
Snake grabbed his bug out bag from the safe in his basement and looked inside. On top of fifty thousand dollars in cash were two sheets of paper. One contained contact information for a few men who could help him get out of the country anonymously. These days how long he could remain hidden would be dependent on his personal luck. Instructions on how to get to two of his safe houses and most of his money were included on the second sheet of paper. Snake brought the bag upstairs with him.
Meryl was preparing stir-fry when Snake called her out into the living room. He tossed the bug out bag on the couch.
"Big Boss is in town. That's your ticket out of this mess," Snake said. "I'll get in touch with you when all of this is over. Do not spend all of my money on shampoo."
Her reaction was not what he expected. By the look on her face, an argument was incoming.
"David, I am insulted," Meryl said. "I'm not going anywhere. Do you really expect me to take that bag and run when I know that you're in trouble?"
"Yes."
Meryl almost slapped him across the face, but stopped mid-swing and lowered her hand to her side.
"I can still shoot a Desert Eagle better than you," Meryl said.
"That is about the extent of anything you can do better than I can. Try to think of this from my perspective."
"No, you try to think of it from my perspective. I will help you deal with Big Boss. That is my decision. Anything that happens to me is a result of that decision."
Snake glanced towards his gun cabinet as a terrible thought entered his mind.
"You're thinking of shooting me with the M9, aren't you? By the time you get it out of your cabinet, I'll have trashed all of your boxes," Meryl said.
"You wouldn't dare."
"I'd start with the one Raiden gave you for your birthday."
She was referring to the Zone of the Enders box. Snake had fallen in love with it the first time he had seen Raiden wear it. According to Otacon, the box had come from a promotional event for a video game of the same name that was about mechs in outer space. Raiden liked the box just as much as Snake did, but still managed to give it to him as a token of their friendship. Snake could not risk the safety of his boxes for anything.
"Fine, you can come along, but if you're going to get yourself killed, try not to do it in front of me," Snake said.
"Yeah, well, don't make me have to bury you in a sandwich bag."
The Russian National Anthem erupted from Snake's pants. Ocelot was trying to call him. Just for fun, Snake pressed the ignore button. Less than five seconds later, Kenny Loggins was ready to take it right into the danger zone. Snake answered Campbell's call.
"You're on speaker. Ocelot wants you to shoot a flare into the sky," Campbell said.
"I'm not stupid enough to do something that idiotic when Big Boss is looking for me."
"I can't see anything in this blizzard!" Ocelot shouted.
"Why don't you use your phone to tap into that drone hovering above my house and use it to see how far away you are?" Snake asked.
"I cannot believe I didn't think of that," Ocelot replied.
As they spoke, Snake heard the sound of a vehicle approaching. He peeled back the curtains covering one of the windows in his living room and looked outside just in time to see a laser red vehicle driving across his backyard.
"Hey, that's the back of Snake's house," Campbell said.
"I told you we weren't on the road anymore," Naomi said.
"Ocelot, I planted claymores out there in case somebody tried to sneak up on me today! You're about to drive over one right now!" Snake shouted frantically.
There were many things on Snake's bucket list. One of them was to hear Ocelot scream like a little girl. His life was now slightly more complete. The Shagohod came to an abrupt stop and sailed back the way it had come in reverse faster than it had arrived. Since Ocelot was visiting, Snake opened his gun cabinet, tucked his M9 into a holster, and hid it behind his back underneath his shirt. Meryl pulled out his Mossberg shotgun, loaded it with bean bag rounds, moved the recliner so that it faced the front door, and sat down.
The handle attached to the front door wiggled as somebody tried to get inside. Snake normally locked all entries and exits to his house because it gave him a few more seconds to react if somebody tried to break in. He could hear his visitors talking on the other side of the door.
"Don't you have the decency to knock?" Campbell asked.
"He knows we're here," Ocelot replied.
"Maybe he's in the middle of something," Naomi said.
Ocelot knocked on the door as loud as he could and rang the doorbell multiple times. Snake waited until Ocelot had gotten it all out of his system before he unlocked the front door and opened it. His three visitors were covered in snow. Campbell and Naomi were holding each other to try to stay warm while Ocelot was unaffected by the chilly weather.
Snake gestured for them to come inside. He spotted the case that Naomi was carrying and felt an overwhelming sense of dread. The time had come to tell Meryl the truth and he hadn't worked out what he was going to say. Ocelot leaned up against the wall across from Meryl with one hand dangerously close to his revolver. Campbell took a seat on the couch with Naomi, who put her briefcase on the table and opened it.
Meryl was still trying to stare down Ocelot and did not notice the fancy needles.
"Do you actually think that you can shoot me before I shoot you?" Ocelot asked.
"A chance of less than a percent is still a chance," Meryl replied.
"Would you two cut it out?" Snake interjected. "Meryl, I have a confession to make."
"What? You're a bad liar and you have had a FOXDIE attack?" Meryl asked.
"Precisely."
She leapt from her chair and Ocelot had his gun on her immediately. Meryl held the shotgun prone and faced Snake. While that was a bad combination, Snake was confident that she wouldn't shoot him.
"I cannot believe you! I was just being facetious!" Meryl shouted. "It's true, then?"
"If it makes you feel any better, Ocelot had one as well."
"That totally excuses the fact that you're acting like him," Meryl said sarcastically, pointing at Campbell.
"How does that feel, by the way?" Campbell asked Snake.
"Like being forced to beat up the mother of a crippled child right there in front of the kid."
"I'd say that's an apt comparison."
"Why did you lie to me?" Meryl demanded.
"So you wouldn't have to worry more about this than I do for an hour of your life. You're welcome."
"Could you spare us the drama?" Ocelot asked. "This isn't an episode of My Bleeding Heart."
"I want to know when he's in trouble because I want to help him in any way that I can even if I can't," Meryl said.
"You are such a woman," Ocelot said.
The sound of the shotgun firing a bean bag round straight into Ocelot's sternum sent Snake's dogs into an absolute frenzy and surprised Campbell so thoroughly that he let lose a fart that he had been holding in. Ocelot cried out in pain and collapsed on the floor.
"I certainly wish I didn't have to find this out when you were around," Meryl said, pumping another round into the chamber.
"There is no need to start shooting anyone," Naomi said to Meryl. "I brought something that will help Snake if he has another attack. It won't cure FOXDIE, but it's still better than nothing."
Meryl stepped away from Ocelot's withered form and peeked inside the case on the table.
"That's it? He could have three attacks in one day!"
"While that is possible, it is unlikely. I should be able to make more before he runs out of what I have."
"He could be dead by then!"
"Death is not quite as bad as everyone makes it out to be. Trust me," a new voice said.
It sounded like Snake was talking, but he hadn't even moved his lips. Everyone turned to see the source of the voice. A guest had entered Snake's home uninvited. The man wore a trench coat, which silently conveyed that he was mysterious and possibly a bad guy. Beneath the coat, he wore an expensive suit. Everyone remained in stunned silence as they looked at the fashionable old man and his one good eye. The front door was open and he was standing prominently in the doorway, trying to heighten the intensity of the moment. A light layer of snow had accumulated on his clothing, also adding to his attempt to leave a good first impression.
"It's been a while, hasn't it, Snake?" the old man asked.
Snake could hardly believe what he was seeing. He looked to see what Ocelot was doing and saw that he hadn't moved since Meryl had shot him. It appeared that he was hiding his face by curling up into a fetal position. Snake returned his attention to his new guest.
"This isn't possible," Snake said.
"You dropped something the last time we saw each other. I came all the way up here to give it back to you."
The old man reached into his pocket and pulled out a battered lighter that looked like it was at least ten years old. Snake recognized it immediately. To anyone else it looked like a regular old lighter or a cheap imitation meant to scare him, but something inside Snake's soul told him that there was no mistake. The man took a cigar out of his coat pocket and placed it inside his mouth. He then used the Zippo to light his cigar. Initially it only produced a few sparks but it eventually managed to kindle a flame.
"What do you know?" the man asked.
He put away the lighter and inhaled a large amount of smoke.
"It still works." he said with a sigh, breathing out the smoke at the same time like some Chinese dragon.
He began coughing violently. In less than five seconds, Meryl and Snake had their weapons aimed at Big Boss.
