Chapter 2: The Things Doctors "Teach" Patients

"Okay remember sweetie we'll be here at 3pm to pick you up," Chase smiled giving his daughter a kiss dropping her off at school, "Mommy and daddy have to bring you with us to work after school since Nanny Anna won't be able to look after."

"Why do I have to come to the hospital with you again?" Lorelei asked, "What happened to Nanny Anna?"

"Well Nanny Anna had an accident while she went on a weekend trip to Laguna Beach with her friends and is now out of commission for the next six weeks in the hospital with a broken leg," Cameron added, "Put it this way if you're going to go surfing first piece of advice learn the basics before you hit the waves."

"And besides we're still not big fans of daycares and besides you got plenty of babysitters at the hospital for you."

"Mommy, daddy I thought surfing was only for boys why did nanny Anna go surfing if she was a girl?" Lorelei asked.

"Well just because surfing is something boys mostly do it doesn't stop girls from doing it. Now your father and I will be back to pick you up later okay and we'll just put you with whoever is available to look after you. Have fun at school today honey." Cameron and Chase gave their daughter one last kiss before heading off to work.

Later during the day after the children's nap was finished, the teacher had the kids break into their show and tell groups as Lorelei sat in a group with a few of her friends including her friend Rory bringing her knapsack.

"I wanna go first!" Rory yelled.

"No I wanna go first Rory trust me this will be fun!" Lorelei smiled pulling out her barbie dolls from her bag, "I brought my dollies here!"

"What are you going to show us?" one of the other kids in the group asked.

"I'm going to use my dollies to show you how babies are made. My mommy and daddy told me how they made my little baby brother or sister inside mommy's tummy."

"That's boring babies are made because mommies and daddies kiss each other!" Rory replied.

"No it's not and House says that your mommy and daddy lied to you just to sugarcoat the truth from you as he puts it," Lorelei said as she smirked, "Besides he also told me that my parents gave me the cliffy notes version of how babies are made and said that he's going to tweet mommy and daddy's story a bit."

"What does House know about making babies?" Rory asked, "What does he mean by the sugarcoat version?"

"That's why I got my dollies here to show you guys," she winked to her friends, "House is a doctor like my parents and they know this stuff. They say kissing is only part one of the story."

"Then what's part two then?" the others asked. Lorelei began to demonstrate with the dolls what she heard about the birds and the bees

"Just sit back and watch...I'm going to show you what happens with part two and believe me this will blow your mind!"


During the day Chase and Cameron found themselves particularly busy and hoping that the workload dimmed by the time they needed to pick up Lorelei. Chase just completed a surgery for the day for one of House's cases while Cameron had to tend to a patient in the ER who was in need of massive stitches due to a skateboarding accident stunt gone wrong. The two of them managed to take their breaks after missing lunch and headed to the vending machine for a few snacks.

"So what's your choice of chocolate today?" Wilson asked as he spotted Cameron and Chase by the vending machines during their break, "I take since today is Monday the two of you usually split a bar of Twix."

"That's usually the same bet," Cameron said, "ER seems to be dying down for the day but I can't complain because three more weeks then I'm off on my maternity leave. Did you place a bet with House on the sex of our baby?"

"I put a 3-1 odds that it's a boy and that probably it will be due about two or three weeks earlier."

"How can be sure of that? It's hard to be discreet with doctors especially House," Chase said, "The man gate crashed one of my surgeries this morning asking me if I want a cut in on his betting pool with the nurses. He even claimed he had a betting pool going where he betted that our daughter was going to pop the question about the birds and the bees when Cameron got knocked up the second time around. I still find myself pondering after five years why we made House her godfather. Despite all his flaws he tends to have a soft spot for Lorelei everyone could see that."

"You could say that again the other day your daughter told us that you gave her the talk about the birds and the bees. Do you know that kids as early as the age of five become curious about the whole process of sexual reproduction and the process of childbirth and pregnancy? Your daughter shows a lot of curiousity for the whole medical process of childbirth and the process of reproduction. I give it that you two gave her the G rated version of the story and omitted any medical references."

"It was the only way we could explain it to her," Cameron added, "Lorelei will always be persistent to ask questions and get answers that's who she is. She first got the idea that Chase and I made babies by constantly kissing each other. That's what her friend Rory told her and after spending over an uncomfortable hour on Friday night explaining the facts of life to Lorelei she got a better understanding of it."

"But you got to be mindful...even sometimes like patients and doctors kids would seek a second consultation Allison, Robert. If your daughter wanted to present her findings to an audience say for example...huh House then someone would offer a revision of the bedtime story you told her. Children her age want to broaden their perspectives and learn more about the facts of life."

"Is there something that we should know that happened the other day while we left Lori at House's office that day Wilson?" they both asked.

"I didn't want to get caught up in this twisted webgame but...maybe tip of advice if you're going to explain the facts of life to the next child of yours...don't try to reduce it to the Cliffnotes version because load be hold someone will come around and tell the unrated version to your kid."

Even working for three years in Diagnostics Medicine the two of them concluded that Lorelei would eventually have told House and Wilson about what they taught their child about the facts of life. However, the only thing they feared was for her to hear House's unrated version as they realized that they had their break and it was time to them to pick up their daughter from school.


About fiftheen minutes later, Chase and Cameron arrived at Lorelei's school to pick her up. They were still dressed in their scrubs and the school was about a fiftheen minute drive from the hospital. The two of them walked into the classroom as a few more students walked out and when Lorelei spotted them, the girl's face beamed with joy as she ran to her parents.

"Hi mommy, hi daddy!" Lorelei smiled hugging both her parents.

"Hey Lori!" Chase smiled lifting his daughter up, "Did you have fun today at school?"

"No I didn't!" she flatly replied shocking her parents, "I didn't have fun today because Rory isn't allow to play at our house anymore."

"Okay...why is that then Lorelei?" Cameron asked, "Why can't Rory come over to our house anymore?"

"Because his daddy said that our family has dirty minds and are a bad influence, especially the people mommy and daddy work for."

"Lori what happened today at school between you and Rory?" Chase asked.

"I think I can explain that one," Lorelei's teacher Ms. Turner answered, "Dr and Mrs. Chase do you think we can talk for a moment?"

"Sweetie go get your stuff ready," they told their daughter as she went to get her bag, "We just need to talk to your teacher alone."

"Sorry to have the pair of you worried but I can explain why Rory's parents are so upset," Ms. Turner added, "You see today at show and tell Lorelei told her little friends all about the birds and the bees. I know this may sound like a problem but I assure you that these things happen with kids all the time."

"We know but we just don't want Lorelei to lose a friend over something like this," Cameron said, "We apologize for an inconvenience and believe me we didn't want to cause problems. We did explain this to her in a very delicate matter I don't know what went wrong."

"I'm sure we can straighten this out and I'm more than welcome to set up a meeting with Rory's parents Dr. and Mrs Chase," Mrs. Turner answered, "It...actually surprised me as to how much Lorelei explained to her friends about the birds and the bees...yup she said that she got help to tweet her story a bit."

"Oh thanks for the help," Cameron looked like she had an epiphany idea, "Tweet her story? I think...we have an idea of how her story got tweet."

"Mommy, daddy could you help me dress my dolls now?" Lorelei smiled walking up to her parents, "They're done making babies now! They should wear clothes."

"Huh...yeah sweetheart they...huh should do that," Chase embarrassingly took the naked dolls from his daughter as the both of them walked out of the classroom. "Come sweetie let's go now okay? I think mommy's hormones are going to skyrocket by the time we get back to the hospital and we got a doctor to pick a bone with."


"Cuddy! Is House around?" Cameron stormed into Cuddy's office with Lorelei in tow, "Grouchy gimp in the clinic?"

"Where is he?" Chase also asked, "My wife's hormone level just went up the roof after a little trip to Lori's school."

"Oh gosh what happened?" Cuddy asked looking at her goddaughter, "I'm guessing you want me to watch her and keep her away from House?"

"That's the best solution for us," Cameron added, "I got three reasons to justify keeping her here with you if you don't mind. First, she should at least spend some time with her godmother. Second, her nanny is out of commission for the next six weeks with a broken leg and we're not big fans of putting her in an afterschool daycare. Third, if she ends up staying up on the fourth floor while her dad and I work House will find a way to tweet anything we tell her to have a couple of her friend's parents saying we have dirty minds."

"I have no problem looking after all besides I like to have my fair share of looking after my goddaughter you don't need to ask Allison. So we're going to have fun aren't we Lorelei?"

"You're fun too Aunt Lisa and I like seeing you run the hospital. Uncle Greg the other day showed me in this big book where babies really come from and it looked gross but he calls it the facts of life the unrated version. He even showed me with the dolls how it really should be done and that he made mommy and daddy's story more interesting and exciting. They said that I need time away from Uncle Greg because he got them in trouble with my friend Rory's parents because I told both the sugarcoated version and the unrated version of the birds and the bees."

"Oh man got a page," Chase replied as his pager went off, "It's an emergency one from Dr. Murphy saying that a kid in Pediatrics is need of his apprendix to be removed. I need to scrub in and if I'm not out by no later than 7:30 than you two go home ahead."

"Okay babe go...that kid needs surgery ASAP," Cameron smiled giving her husband a kiss. "I'm going to take a trip to the fourth floor to find a gouchy gimp and give him a piece of my mind."

"I guess that explains why you two are outraged at House...blew out your daughter's talk about the birds and the bees out of hand," Cuddy smirked, "Well what can you do with House? Everything to him is unrated and you're trying to keep everything G Rated as possible."

"Mommy, daddy...why are babies slippery when they come out?" Lorelei asked as Chase and Cameron suddenly walked out, "Did I say something to make mommy and daddy upset Aunt Lisa?"

"No kiddo your dad got called in for a surgery and your mom..." Cuddy replied as the two sat down, "Well your mom's hormones are going to rip House into sheds for his lessons on the facts of life."


"Angry hormonal pregnant ER attending at four o'clock!" Taub joked as Foreman and the team saw Cameron walking towards the office in a rather pissed off mood.

"Where's House?" Cameron yelled. "I got a bone to pick with grouchy the gimp!"

"I'm guessing judging by your pregnancy mood swings House did something to trigger it off didn't he?" Foreman asked. "I thought you and Chase were bringing Lorelei up here. We overheard from Wilson that you guys stepped out during your break to pick her up."

"Chase and I left her in Cuddy's office for today...you wouldn't believe what happened today with our kid at school? I got parents from one of Lorelei's friends telling him that he can't play with our daughter anymore because they believe my husband and I have dirty minds and that the people we work at are bad influences. Yeah they told her teacher that they were upset because Lorelei decided for show and tell to tell her little friends about the birds and the bees...the unrated version with her dolls."

"I'm guessing you guys had to give her the talk didn't you Cameron?" Foreman asked. "You guys went into graphic details about it with a five year old child?"

"Not graphic details just the condense Cliffnotes version," Cameron sighed, "She...went for a second consult to tweet our story a bit to blow her friends' minds out. And it's no surprise who gave her the second consult."

"So much for House to preach about the birds and the bees with the unrated version," Thirteen joked. "This is no strings attached."

"First of all Cameron you need to relax come sit down first," Foreman replied as he sat her down on the lounge chair. He checked her pulse and noticed it was beeping slightly a bit faster. "As a doctor and friend I don't Chase killing me if you end up overworking yourself because your hormones are going wack over a talk you two had with your daughter that got blown out of porportion. Lord behold if you ended up dropping on the ground in the office your husband would be racing down from the OR up here in a heartbeat. Second, I got to say at least I'm glad that Lorelei didn't show us her dolls reenacting the whole thing to us. Just stay calm when you give House a piece of your mind and we surely would like to see that."

And on cue, the team and Cameron turn to see House limping into the office spotting a pregnant Cameron and his fellows looking at him. It was no surprise that Cameron was glaring at him and guessed this was about Lorelei.

"Hey Cameron," House smirked, "Let me guess pregnancy hormones acting up again? I bet is Wombat fled to the OR to avoid his wife's mood swings but something is missing here. Aren't you suppose to have a half-breed little girl next to you? I did however spot Chameron 2.0 in Cuddy's office but my boss held me at gunpoint thinking I was going to make a quick getaway with yours and Wombat's kid. Change of babysitters for today?"

"Chameron 2.0 is being looked after by her godmother who by the way wouldn't get her parents into trouble with another kid's parents at school because one grouchy gimp doctor decided to tweet mommy and daddy's story about the birds and the bees," Cameron glared, "You decided to give the patient a second consult and because of that we have to talk to the concern parents of a five year old who thinks we have dirty minds. What in your right mind gave you the idea that you let a five year old girl present to her friends as a visual presentation of the facts of life? My daughter may lose a friend because of what we told her and Robert and I have to go and explain to the parents of a young boy that this was all a misunderstanding."

"Are you done going all hormonal on me and FYI Chameron 2.0 is a little curious monkey so what if I told the kid the girls gone wild version of the birds and the bees?" House replied, "Put it this way the next time little Wombat 2.0 or Chameron 3.0 your carrying inside of you wants the talk then big sister can tell them all they needs to know about the birds and the bees. First of all tip of advice for you young parents don't ever sugarcoat the facts of life to your kids because knowing their curious, young minds they're annoyingly mindful of everything around them. The girl has two parents that are professional doctors who see this stuff everyday and picking up on her daddy's genes of being mindful of the truth she'll want to know the whole picture. The part of Lorelei using the dolls to show her little idiotic friend the true picture of the facts of life well maybe that was all her...all I just did was revise mommy and daddy's story to blow her friends' minds away."

"Look I know somewhere in that deep, twisted complex mind of yours you actually were just trying to help your goddaughter out and second I'm surprise you actaully said Lorelei's name. Most of the time you just refer to our daughter as Chameron 2.0 using the combination of our union. I was just...okay well it's half the hormones talking, mood swings and the other half my own personal thoughts that I was shocked and upset that you stuck your nose in to enable my child to present that for a show and tell presentation at a catholic school. The fact that you undercut us as parents to explain this stuff to our own kid makes people question our ability as parents. I'm not trying to say that as Lorelei's godfather I'm telling you what to say or how to act around her. Given that you're going to be an ass most of the time and gouchy around she adores you and that is something that doesn't change."

"Mommy dearest if you and Wombat want some advice there here it goes. Just because of one incident involving idotic parents who refuse to exploit the full tale of the birds and the bees to their child shouldn't stop your daughter from being friends with them. Parents are in contest with one another for bragging rights to see who kid turns out better but that shouldn't doubt your ability as parents. For the record you two are lucky that your kid is not screwed up and the next one growing inside will know that mommy and daddy aren't screw ups. There is no problem enlightening a child with the girls gone wild version of the facts of life and if those parents can't see it...then it's their loss."

"I think that is the best advice I heard from you today," Cameron smiled as she was walking out, "Are you doing this just to prove your geniuely nice or your worried about my hormones and mood swings?"

"As a parent you and Chase haven't screwed up yet and Chameron 2.0 should be proud of that," House answered as Cameron left and returned to the ER. Foreman and the team looked at House with a puzzled look surprised that he managed to calm down Cameron after storming the conference room angry.

"That was pretty surprising you handle Cameron there," Foreman replied, "You should have seen her earlier before you managed to grace us with your presence."

"Already had front seats in Wilson's office and heard the woman wailing down the hallway giving me the assumption I need to avoid a mood swinging, hormonal, angry Cameron in the process," House smirked, "Tip of advice my young apprentices let the pregnant parents rant until you find one moment of bliss calmness to smooth their parental egos."


A couple hours later after both Cameron and Chase finished their shifts at the hospital the two of them headed down to the lobby to head home for the rest of the night. Cuddy came out of the cafeteria with Lorelei when she smiled seeing her parents in the lobby. Lorelei quickly ran to them as Chase picked up his daughter and gave her a hug.

"Mommy, daddy!" Lorelei smiled, "Is it time to go home yet?"

"Yeah it's already 8:30 and you have to be in bed soon," Cameron smiled, "Did you have fun with Aunt Lisa today?"

"Yes I did and I told Aunt Lisa what Uncle Greg and you guys told me about how babies are made. Then I told Aunt Lisa about my show and tell I did at school today and how Rory's parents says that my parents have dirty minds and how I got mommy and daddy in trouble with Rory's parents. I'm really sorry for that mommy, daddy."

"Hey honey it's not your fault sometimes adults just have some misunderstandings with another adults." Cameron replied when she spotted House coming off the elevator heading towards their direction. "Speaking of misunderstandings look who is here to grace us with his presence before the end of the night."

"Oh come on is that how to greet the godfather of your child Cameron?" House smirked, "I just decided to take a stroll to the lobby to see if Chameron 2.0 was still around the building but I guess you and Wombat decided to use a cheaper babysitter for half price and with great C-cups."

"We just thought that Lori could use a break from diagnostics for one day and learn more about the administrative side of the hospital," Chase added, "Besides I think she already had enough life lessons for one day."

"Hey Uncle Greg do you want to know what Aunt Lisa taught me today?" Lorelei asked, "She says that you're an idiot and that you have to say sorry to mommy and daddy for getting them into trouble with Rory's parents."

"I'm speechless I thought that's what attracted your godmother to my charm and wit. Besides after everything I done for you this is how you repay me? I thought you wanted me to tweet mommy and daddy's story for you so your friends would be blown away. Just between you and me I don't know what kind of school your parents sent you to that they can't indulge in teaching children about sex education and for the record babies don't come from storks or a magical cabbage patch."

"Huh parents still here listening," Chase and Cameron glared at their former boss. Knowing this was his way of pushing their buttons in the name of a good joke they managed to get use to it and put up with his craziness and antics, despite not being on the team anymore. "And we already had an eventual day already."

"I know it's been one heck of a day." House turned to Chase. "Your hormone wife came bursting into my office all pregnancy hormone crazy saying how I corrupted you little angel but as I told the one carrying the bowling ball inside of her just meet the idiotic kid's parents tomorrow and clear up the air. You two are professional and you deal with stuff like this everyday the oh so joyous facts of life."

"Did you really tell my wife that?"

"He did...babe," Cameron smiled, "And that is what we should do...under the condition that if he ends up giving our daughter a "second consult" on some "medical issues" than he should at least let the patient's parents deal with it their own way. However, we wouldn't mind if he was just trying to help for the sake of the patient."

"Maybe I should have not signed in for that surgery today," Chase joked, "I would have loved to see how Allison's trip to your department went. However she's coming back for another visit to the hospital tomorrow."

"Yeah and I'm also bringing Rachel too," Cuddy added, "Rachel's nanny has a doctor's appointment tomorrow so she can't look after her so the two of them can have a little playdate."

"I like it when Rachel comes over although we go to different schools but every weekend we always go to Aunt Lisa's house for playdates," Lorelei smiled, "Are we going home now?"

"She's right it's a school night and mommy and daddy are wiped." Chase picked up his daughter as him and Cameron held hands walking out of the hospital. "Cuddy we'll see you tomorrow and House...have a goodnight and thank you for not literally screwing us over with our daughter."

"Anything for Team Chameron...keep it real kiddies!" House and Cuddy watched as the trio leave the hospital together with their goddaughter. The two of them knew that it's still hard for the two of them raising children but give them the credit of doing a good job of keeping Lorelei in line. "Oh the things patients learn from their doctors don't you say Cuddy?"

"Couldn't agree with you on that one," Cuddy commented, "Just another day at Princeton huh?"

"Yeah you could say that again...so you're going to bring your kid to work tomorrow too? Say Cuddy...if I bring a little rugrat to work does that mean I can get a week off clinic duty?"

"In your dreams House."

"Well how about I decide to enlighten your runt with the talk about the birds and the bees as a second consult?" Cuddy just glared at him with a look in her eyes as she stared up the ceiling in disbelief as he continued to crack up more jokes. "Put it this way at least she won't get into any trouble at school with some preachy priests and nuns or parents."

"That's call pushing the line and my kid is fine with waiting for the talk...from her parent." Cuddy smirked as she walked back to her office.