A false start, again. Little me was not a facet of myself or even wholly a person - just a baby, with generic needs, wants and beliefs you'll find any time, any place all over the Earth in children of that age. She didn't possess a drive to succeed or a stalwart devotion to the cause that defines Eva Wei. She didn't have a goal that encompassed her whole being, or a firm grasp on her limits and a burning need to break through. She couldn't have redefined the impossible, like I did. She has no place on Oban. In certain ways, it is better to let her rest in peace.
Come to think of it, there were similar aspects of me that didn't make the cut. A dreamer who could have spend hours on the rooftop of the boarding school. A smitten Earthen princess that I was with Aikka. A serene observer who could appreciate the beauty of the world.
And then, of course, there was her.
You can always tell a school from any other building on Earth - it has a specific sound to it, a certain hum and pitch from people who are no longer kids, but not adults yet, either. They talked to each other, they shouted, they whispered, and long stark hallways echoed, mixed and twisted the words into a veil that covered the whole campus. It created an almost palpable pressure that you learned to live with constantly, never truly alone, not even at night. A pressure that I hated, not so much because it was overwhelming, but because it stirred memories, deeply buried. There was an escape, fortunately, a crutch that became a retreat, a place where no one ever visited and sound didn't carry to. Not that I'll need it today, because this day was special.
"Happy Birthday, Eva!" A vaguely familiar boy in a school uniform waved at me, passing by with a group of friends, his resonant voice cutting through the background clamour with ease.
A soft smile made it to my face - someone remembered, and it was nice to be appreciated, at least once in a year. The smile that lasted all of a minute, before the boy was distracted by a friend.
"Do you know her?" The accursed walls magnified the whisper, as if I was right next to them.
"No, but you'll learn of her eventually. Everyone does. She'll be here next year, camping out on her birthday in a wait of a call that is not coming."
"Poor thing. We should throw a party or something, distract her."
"People tried. She wouldn't come."
Shows what they know, does it? The warmth of acceptance evaporated like dew under the burning sun of my belief. Father was busy, as always, but I had a good feeling about today. Something will change soon, I was sure of it, and nobody will ever convince me otherwise.
He didn't call, he didn't write, he didn't visit yesterday. Teachers have left me alone, and so did the majority of the student body. Those who didn't, felt my wrath in scathing words that sent them running. Cowards, the whole lot of them. I was better off alone anyway. It was a family matter.
"Hey, Eva! There's a package for you at the front desk."
Something shattered in me, but in a good way - the wait of a decade was over. The worry, the concern, the anxiety and distress - all melted away in a torrent of pure, undiluted emotion. It was just a dream, but clearly, dreams came true if you wished hard enough, if you focused so sharply as to make your vision reality.
"I have a package for you, yes, but I don't think it was from your dad." Ned, the ancient receptionist with a heart of gold, looked at me with pity from behind his round glasses. He was clearly worried for me, so I stretched my lips into a smile; he was one of the few people I cared about in this God-forsaken place. Better grin, and soothe him with an off-color joke, and never show him how much mere words can hurt.
And they didn't, not truly. I was used to them, after all. One disappointment after the other, and they blur together, wash away until nothing is left but a rod of steel at the very core. The elation abated, leaving me vacant and still, like a sea after the storm.
"Time to pull yourself back together, Eva," I whispered to myself, painstakingly picking up the pieces to reassemble them at my leisure. Not just yet, though. First, I had to find the Important bit. Something to center myself around, an impregnable fortress that nothing will ever touch.
Predictably, my hand reached out for the Stubborn piece. It kept me afloat through the worst tempests of my life, it will do just as well now. Only...
My hand in a real world rose too, with the package from the parts shop still absently gripped in it.
Racing was a hobby, not a centerpiece. Piloting and tinkering were things I liked, but they will never take a place near the adamant rod of Perseverance or the ruined temple of Family. It was junk that deserved to be jostled around during the storms of my life. Not important for Eva Wei.
You know mommy never lost a race.
My eyes widened in horror. My heart jumped right into the throat and trumpeted with the strength of an elephant herd. My whole body shook so hard I collapsed to the ground, prone under the merciless sun burning spots into my eyes.
So... wrong. All this time, so very, very wrong. I was a child when I first looked for the Important bit. Obviously I was egoistic, self-centered and conceited when I picked it. Never it occurred to me to seek something else that will allow me to communicate, to connect, to reach out.
And yet I expected my father to do the same, knowing that mother's death hit him even worse.
No wonder he never called, never remembered. No wonder I was left alone and abandoned. We truly were of the same blood, he and I.
To get anywhere, I had to reinvent myself.
A careless shove scattered the old pieces of my soul. Racing was put in the middle, like a holy grail. What else, now? What did young Don Wei see in Maya that always brought a smile to his face?
I climbed to my feet and ran to my hidden shed, unmindful of the many eyes that may be watching. Recklessness took it's proper place, almost without any conscious effort on my part. Mom never backed off from a challenge because of a little risk. No more caution for me, from now on.
Back in the shed, a dig in the useless junk produced my old backpack. Inside was a box, and hidden in the box were memories - the most precious treasure I was too afraid to leave at school. Newspapers, clippings, magazines, even storybooks. At the bottom, a photo. And everywhere, there were smiles. She smiled next to her star racer, she smiled meeting the press, she smiled at a surprise party. She smiled next to us.
I could feel my face splitting into a smile of my own - a real one, that reached the eyes and hurt the muscles, and I affixed it in my mind's eye. I expected to grin a lot and mean it, in the next few days.
But it was merely the effect, not the cause. Why was she always smiling? Was that twinkle in her eye mischief? Curiosity? Playfulness? Defiance? A secret, that only she knew?
Optimism.
Hope.
Slowly but surely, a new castle rose amidst the turbulent sea. Perhaps not as sturdy as it was before, but much more firm. Grounded. A safe haven, instead of a cliff.
I was ready.
As long as we can fly, we still have a chance. I refuse to believe it's the end of the world.
The rocket seat easily cleared the wall. I left behind all the oppressive rules and silly regulations, all the memories of tenacity and dedication. I didn't look back. I had no need of them, anymore. The wind was my guide, now.
I left behind a special spot on the rooftop and a misty shadow of a girl dreaming about a better tomorrow. It was time to stop dreaming and start making dreams reality. I was in charge of my own destiny, now, and that part of my life was officially over. Happy Graduation Day, Eva.
Next stop, Wei Racing.
I wasn't stupid. Not even the new me was stupid enough to believe that everything will suddenly turn into sunshine and roses the moment I saw my father and he saw me. But whatever I was expecting, it wasn't this.
"Do I look like a 'man' to you? Can't you see I'm a girl?"
That should have been the first clue that our reunion would not be as easy as I thought. An angry shout with an edge of indignation was not a part of what I envisioned, so I swallowed the rest of my rant and tried for a softer approach.
"This is all a mistake, my name's Eva, I'm your daughter..."
He didn't listen. He left before I could get a word out. Because of a distraction, some malfunction inside the hangar that cut into my explanation like a knife, and just as painful. Some words you cannot simply throw to the wind, like confetti.
A faulty star-racer stood in my way, drawing attention. The old Eva Wei would brush it aside and bull through, unconcerned for petty annoyances. The new me... I questioned myself how mother could have resolved everything with a smile and the solution was obvious.
"What do you mean, twins? You're the head mechanic, and the race is tomorrow! I couldn't care less if they were quintuplets." Dad's voice echoed across the bay, loud and clear. A giggle bubbled up from deep inside me. Nice to see father showing the same temper as I have. Had. Guess a few rants would be okay, in a family like ours.
Another piece of the puzzle slid into place, a bridge between old and new. Patching the seams, healing the scars, making me whole.
The problem with the thruster turned out trivial to fix. Competitive racing circuits like my dad's were always trying to jump over their heads, inch out another tiny bit of speed with upgrades and improvements. You only had to look for something that's not glowing like a Christmas tree...
There! Twist, turn, reconnect... finally, a good pull with a pair of pliers resolved the issue. The faulty piece of metal tumbled to the ground, the sound reverberating in the perfect silence that followed.
I smiled.
Lucky me, the thruster started up at just the perfect time. Dad's cutting words choked in his throat. For all of a second.
"Guess what, you're fired," he finished his phone call and turned back to me.
No more interruptions, no more ambiguities. Time to face the music, dad, a blast from the past. You can't ignore me any longer, because you can't deceive your own blood.
Well?
"Who are you?"
...What?
"I'm..." a lost child, seeking warmth. None was forthcoming.
"I'm..." a daughter, hoping to follow in the footsteps of my mother. Who is no longer there for us.
"I'm..." a dreamer, trying to make the dream reality. And failing.
All the pretty castles collapsed, the princess was rudely awakened from her daydream.
I'm family.
"Spit it out!"
No, not like this. I did not ask mother for advice anymore. A strange sort of clarity settled over me - she was dead, and I was a fool to forget it. My mask of pretense had shattered, and so did Eva Wei underneath, all the way through the core, the first time in ten years.
"We haven't got all day!"
"I'm..." a free spirit, seeking adventure. I stumbled, gravity pulling me down a bottomless pit.
"I'm..." a rigid blade, that cuts through anything. I broke into pieces, turning upon the hand that tried to keep me whole.
"I'm..."
Who am I?
I'm the one to rekindle an old flame. I'm the one to show you how bridges are built. I'm the one to help you understand, because I understood it now, through and through.
I was a daughter, but now I knew what it meant to be Don Wei's daughter.
I knew what I had to do.
All the crumbled pieces of my soul snapped back in place, both old and new twisted and merged into a colorful amalgam of shards. I never cared, hastily assembling something that will not collapse at a touch. The good that I cherished, the bad that I avoided, everything worked as mortar, to save me from the abyss of desperation. I've got work to do, and no time to waste on myself.
Father still wanted an answer. It was easy enough to give. Something to describe a newly created patchwork I've become. I was reborn, today, and it was only appropriate to pick a new name. A quick glance for inspiration provided a flash of brilliance.
"I'm Molly!"
How the Crog got on Earth undetected, I would never guess. His kind is not exactly welcome, here, even by the most extremist factions. Eva Wei would have raised hell, got all the way to the Avatar and made sure Crogs were disqualified from the Great Race for breaking the Truce. Mother would have taken the Crog by the pointy ear and made him sign the Truce all over again, with a smirk on her face.
I was neither of them, right now.
If a Crog stood between Eva Wei and her father, he would have ceased to exist. A barrel of star-racer fuel would have found it's way to the top of his pitch-black head and set on fire. If a Crog stood between my mother and my father, he would have been swept away by Hurricane Maya.
I was a different person, right now. Kindness was not an empty word, anymore. There were still ways to resolve this conflict semi-peacefully.
The rocket seat rumbled and purred and whistled beneath me, almost as if it was alive, and I shivered from cold wind whipping by. I was both drifting and tethered, both roaming and focused. The decision was made in a snap, without deliberation or self-reflection. Molly was a guardian angel, with little attention spared for such trivial matters. Molly would follow the Earth team all across the galaxy, because family was just that Important to her. Nothing more, and nothing less.
I would follow them, because they were hopeless, without me - the star racer pilot, easily overtaken by his opponent; the gunner boy, aiming center mass, the most thick and protected part of Crog armor; the mechanics, never guessing how powerful the tools on their belts could be, when applied cleverly. They wouldn't last a day in the Great Race if I were to miss it.
I steered crossways, and my mount roared and charged, the Crog sailing into the darkness from the impact. It was his own fault, driving without a seat-belt. He was a big boy, he will survive the fall to be captured and interrogated.
And I... I will lead the Earth team to victory, because racing was in my blood. Father had one interest, one focus now. It was my job as a daughter to become that interest, to catch his eye, again and again, until he is forced to accept me. Oban was a test, and I sure as hell was going to pass it.
Put like that, my future lay crystal clear ahead of me. Clouds dispersed around the Avatar's ship, and stars beaconed from the sky. I answered the call with a smile on my face and a song in my heart.
My name is Molly, and I will win the Great Race of Oban!
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A/N: In the memory of Oban novelisation that never saw the light of day: a small character piece that was close enough to the original to encourage some thought, but off enough not to step on any toes if someone with more talent than me does want to make a memoir or chronicle or… something, that will preserve this awesome atmospheric feel O:SR has. You know who you are. Do not let this show be forgotten, please.
Oh, and by the way: God save the galaxy where Eva Wei is the Avatar ;)
