For the next few weeks, I keep my contact with Spencer to a minimum. He needs time alone to mourn his loss and I have no intention of igniting the spark once more before he is ready. I have no intention to be Reid´s rebound guy, and therefore I ignore my instinctive urge to protect him and stay away. Saying that, it is indeed easier said then done when I see how he never smiles anymore and finds it difficult to provide any insight at our daily meetings. The worst is seeing him at the end of the day, throwing his satchel over his shoulder, and walking away, looking down on the floor, his shoulders slouching like he carries the weight of the world. I follow my instincts and keep him home when we begin to travel once again on cases a month after Morgan is killed.
I manage to keep my own promise of staying away until that fateful night when Gideon calls me at three in the morning, telling me the kid is having a nightmare and he can´t wake him up. He needs me as soon as possible. Seeing as Jack is with his aunt, I throw on a pair of jeans and a shirt, barely remembering to put on my shoes and grab my keys before heading to the car. I drive so fast there that I´m lucky not to cause an accident. Gideon lets me inside Reid´s house and I walk immediately to the bedroom, its location familiar to me from earlier days.
Spencer is twisting and turning on the bed, mumuring Morgan´s name. I close the door behind me and pull him into my arms. His forehead and nightshirt are drenched in sweat and I push the errant locks of his long, dark hair away from his face. I whisper that he is okay, and several other nonsense sentences until he quietens down.
"Hotch?" Spencer groans, clearly now awake.
"Sssh, it´s okay, babe. You had a nightmare and Gideon called me. Go back to sleep."
Spencer looks up at me with his puppy-brown eyes. His voice is pleading. "Will you stay with me?"
I consent and quickly pull off my clothes, leaving on the boxers for good measure. I settle down on the mattress and Spencer crawls into my arms. He rests his head on my shoulder and I put one arm over him and entwine the fingers of my other hand with those of Reid.
Soon enough, we are both fast asleep.
Reid prods me awake early the next morning, reminding me that we have a team meeting at nine. While we are dressing, I regard him silently.
"We can talk about him if you want," I offer carefully.
Spencer, who is sitting on the bed putting on his socks, looks up at me. His tone is measured, careful. There is no trace of the vulnerability from last night. "What exactly do you want to hear, Hotch?"
"The truth."
Spencer rises from the bed and advances on me slowly. "Is this your pathetic attempt to play a psychiatrist? You can´t make the pain go away Hotch!"
"I know," I respond, running a hand through my shorn, dark locks. Clearly I´m out of my depth here.
"If you want the God´s honest truth I will give it to you. I hate him because he left me behind and you because you´re the reason I could never love him like he deserved."
I flinch at his harsh words. Before I can stop Reid, he lunges at me and begins to hit me. I allow him to vent his anger and frustration before he finally collapses onto the floor in a heap, crying his eyes out.
When I reach out to comfort him, he pulls away. "Get away from me!"
The words hurt. He has never pulled away from me before.
"Morgan didn´t want to leave you, believe that, Spencer.."
Spencer looks up at me with the eyes of a lost child. "Then why did he go into that bank without back-up? He had this constant need to play hero. He promised he would never leave, but he ended dying the same way as his father."
"Babe, it´s who he was. He couldn´t walk away from someone in need. He wanted to save that little girl in the bank, and he did before the gunman shot him. It´s who he was. It´s who we are."
I kneel beside him on the floor.
"Do you want to know the worst part?" Spencer finally manages to offer after minutes of silence.
"When you heard he was dead a part of you felt relieved."
"How horrible is that? Once the first shock and grief had worn off, I couldn´t help thinking that we could now be together.
"I felt the same way when Hayley died." This is the first time I confess this to anyone.
"Why didn´t you try with me after she was gone?" Spencer is looking at me with genuine curiosity in his eyes.
"Because I couldn´t loose someone like that again."
"You felt reponsible for her death, seeing as the killer was merely trying to get to you. If I had been able to love Derek as he should have been loved, he would still be alive."
I raise an eyebrow in question and Spencer explains.
"He wanted us to take the day off and spend it together. I refused due to paperwork, and therefore he went with the other team to the bank. If I had just said yes..." Spencer looks away to conceal the tears building up in his eyes.
"Don´t do that to yourself, Spencer." I grab his chin and force him to look at me. "This is not your fault. Whatever you need, I am here for you."
Spencer nods. "As a friend?"
"And a lover," I conclude.
Spencer leans over and kisses me. This time, I have no interest in pushing him away. My hands entangle themselves in his long, dark locks and soon enough, I am carrying him to the bed. I lay him down on it and get on top of him. As I cover his neck with kisses, he leans into my ear and whispers, "I've missed you, Aaron."
I find his lips again, and our tongues do battle for victory. I quash the voice in my head, telling me that this is a bad idea when I pull away and see that instead of tears, his eyes are filled with lust and dare I say it, love?
Soon enough, Spencer is hard under my ministrations and I pull the nightshirt he is wearing above his head. I find his nipples and suck on them, and Spencer has to bit his lip in order not to moan with desire. Gideon is in the house, after all, and could hear us.
I kiss my way down his stomach and am about to pull down the shorts he wore to bed, when there is a knock on the door.
"Lovebirds, rise and shine. You have a meeting in thirty minutes. I know what you are doing in there and it'll have to wait. And don't try to throw the fog in my face Aaron Hotchner, I know when the meeting is!"
I growl a response and turn to the man below me. "Next time, we're going to my place."
Spencer laughs for the first time since Morgan died, and reaches up to kiss me. It is a different kiss from the ones earlier, this one is not filled with hot, fiery passion, but soft and gentle love that takes my breath away.
Reluctantly, we arise from the bed and begin to dress.
