To Feel So Much

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager, its characters, etc. belong to Paramount.

Chapter 2

Chakotay lay sprawled across his bed, staring up morosely at the plain gray ceiling. Somehow its lack of aesthetics reminded him frustratingly of their shelter on New Earth, and he angrily wiped a hand across his face. Why did everything have to remind him of her?

He wished he could stop loving her the way he did. But it was too late. She had already consumed his heart to the point that it no longer beat on his command alone. It was like trying to extinguish a wildfire. He built up the banks of earth, but she simply blazed right through his firewalls.

He could move on. He was fairly certain he could kindle a relationship with someone else on the ship. Something simple and uncomplicated by these raging and contradictory emotions. But in the end, what would be the point? His heart was not his for the giving, and he was not the kind of man who could settle for anything less.

He sighed. It seemed like hours since he had left her in Sickbay, hours that he had spent trying to fall asleep. Gazing at the ceiling. Thinking nonstop of Kathryn. Indulging spiteful satisfaction at having expressed himself with no reserve. Berating himself for the cruelty of his parting words.

And wondering endlessly. What was she doing right now? Had she fallen back asleep when he left? Had she been angry with him? Hurt? Indifferent? Had she cried? What was she feeling right now? Was she too staring up at the ceiling, thinking of him?

It mattered far too much to him, and this only increased his resentment.

"Doctor to Commander Chakotay." His commbadge chirped, and he tapped a reluctant hand to it.

"Yes, Doctor?"

"Commander, I was wondering if you could come down to Sickbay."

"Is there a problem, Doctor? Is the away team all right?" Chakotay grimaced at his own phrasing. Away Team, the ultimate misnomer in this situation. That was not exactly how he would describe his three friends who had willingly allowed themselves to be assimilated by the Borg. Perhaps more like exchange students, he thought bitterly. Their lives in exchange for…what?

The Doctor's next words cut into his cynical musings. "The Away Team is…fine," the Doctor said hesitantly. "But I am having…difficulty…with the Captain. I was hoping you could come talk some sense into her. She tends to listen to you more than anyone else on the crew. And I would hate to have to relieve her of duty due to mental instability." Chakotay heard Kathryn's angry voice protesting in the background, and he sighed. He no longer had to wonder what she was doing.

"What seems to be the 'difficulty,' Doctor?"

"The Captain is quite insistent on returning to her quarters. In my professional judgment, she needs to remain in Sickbay for at least another twenty-four hours so that I can monitor her condition. Her health is still very fragile. Her body needs time and rest to heal. She was just assimilated by the Borg, and-"

"I know that, Doctor," Chakotay interrupted coldly. "And I trust you to deal with the Captain however you see fit. Chakotay out!" He slammed his hand onto his chest, effectively cutting off the communications signal. Then he ripped the commbadge from his uniform and hurled it across the room. It made a faint tinkling noise as it hit—and probably broke—something glass on the other side. Perfect—it was the frame on his dresser that held his favorite picture of Kathryn from New Earth. She had fallen asleep at the kitchen table with a PADD in one hand and a cold cup of coffee in the other. She probably would have thrown a fit if she knew he had snapped the holoimage of that unflattering position. But to him, she was beautiful, and the picture only spoke of the essence of her.

And now it was shattered.

Maybe irreparable.

Just like him.

TBC