A/N: First of all: Oh my God, an insane amount of reviews and follows and everything for the first chapter. Just, wow. Thank you all. Sorry this took so long; I've been extremely uninspired recently, so I started off a new fic to help snap me out of my rut. It seems to have worked anyway.
This chapter became extremely Sirius-centric in the writing. I find myself absolutely fine with this; I love a little Sirius in the morning. And afternoon. And just always.
What else can I say about this chapter? Er, it's pretty much bromance all the way.
Just a quick warning: Sirius has an incredibly foul mouth at the best of times, and in this chapter he's much worse than usual. So are some of the others for that matter. If you are offended by casual strong swearing, you may wish to abandon ship right here.
Thanks for reading.
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The sun was incredibly hot, and James could feel the sweat beading on his back as he swooped around Sirius and aimed the quaffle. It soared past his best mate and dropped through their conjured goal-hoop before Sirius even reacted.
Sirius slowly dropped down to retrieve the leather ball and then rose back up, tossing it back to James who caught it and tucked it under his arm. He sent an appraising look at Sirius and observed the slump in his posture and the abstraction in his eyes.
'Do you want to talk about it?' he asked, pushing his hair back from his face to better focus on his friend.
'What?' Sirius jerked his head up in reaction to the first words either of them had spoken since coming outside.
'Do you want to talk about whatever is bothering you?' James repeated, adjusting his position on his broomstick slightly.
'No.' Sirius answered bluntly. 'There's nothing you can do to help, and there's no point even discussing it.'
James furrowed his brow as he observed his best mate carefully for a moment. 'Okay.' He responded finally. 'If you're sure. But if you do want to talk about it…'
'Yeah, yeah, you'll be the first.' Sirius swooped off, getting himself back into position, and James sighed to himself as he gripped the quaffle firmly in his left hand and began to fly towards the goal again. He couldn't make Sirius talk to him, but he was sick of him brooding all over the house; he'd thought that a quick pick-up game of Quidditch might brighten him up, or at least improve his mood to the point where they could discuss things, but apparently not. James sighed louder as he scored again, with Sirius once more making little to no effort to block him. If he didn't snap out of it in the next couple of days, he was thinking of setting Lily or Remus on him.
Half an hour later he and Sirius had almost completely given up on the game and were more or less just flying lazy loops around the grounds of the Manor. As he came past the ornamental pond for the third time, James lowered his broomstick down and hovered above it, watching his mother's fish swim. He'd only been there a moment when Sirius appeared alongside him.
Neither of them said anything for a few minutes, they just watched the fish swim happily in their own little world, until Sirius sighed heavily.
'My brother's a prick.'
James' head jerked up and he swivelled his head to look at his friend. 'You've spoken to him?'
Sirius snorted and shook his head. 'Of course I haven't. Why do you think I'm calling him a prick?'
James considered his words for a minute, then shook his head slowly. 'You've lost me mate.'
'I thought he'd contact me.' Sirius stared off into the distance as he spoke. 'I thought he'd realise how stupid he was being, and then he'd want out and he'd find a way to contact me for help.'
James looked down at his hands, his heart sinking for Sirius, and he wondered what he could possibly say to make things better.
'Don't do that Prongs.' Sirius' voice was still weary, but now it held an edge of annoyance.
'Don't do what?' asked James, his baffled eyes lifting to meet his friends.
'Don't sit there and wonder what you can do to fix things.' Sirius said firmly. 'I can hear you thinking it all the way over here, and I hate to break it to you Prongs, but you can't fix everything. You can't fix this, and no-one expects you to.'
James gave Sirius a sad smile. 'If there was something I could do…'
'Then I'd tell you, and I know you'd do it.' Sirius finished for him. 'I know that. I know better than anybody that you'll always help out your friends. I live in your fucking house for Merlin's sake.'
'That's not…' James began, but he was cut off again by Sirius waving a hand.
'You're more of a brother to me than Reg is; I suppose that's sad in some ways, but it's true. But I haven't felt like I'm alone since I met you and Moony and Wormtail, and that's always meant a lot to me, because Agrippa knows I felt alone before then, in that fucking house with my fucking family.'
He paused for a moment, but James knew better than to interrupt him: Sirius had been bottling this up for a long time, and if being friends with Remus had taught him anything it was that sometimes you just have to be willing to listen while someone offloaded all their shit onto you.
Sirius spoke again, the anger draining from his voice and being replaced with a sort of weary resignation. 'Reg and I have never been close, but…fuck, I should have been able to do something. I should have been at least able to keep him out of this shit while we were both at Hogwarts. I just feel like I completely failed him somehow.'
They were silent again for a moment, while James waited to see if there was anything else forthcoming from his friend. When it became obvious than Sirius was done speaking for now, he cleared his throat to get his attention before he responded to him.
'You gave him every opportunity mate. You showed him that he didn't have to toe the family line if he didn't want to, and you did that just by being who you are and sticking to what you believed in. He could have done it too; he just didn't want to. He believed what your parents fed him, and they are responsible for the mess he's got himself into now, not you. You tried to get through to him, I know you did, but he made his own choices. All you can do now is be ready to help him if he ever asks you to.'
Sirius looked at him, and after a moment he smiled weakly. 'Lily has turned you into one sappy bastard, you know that don't you?'
'Nah.' James grinned back at him. 'I've always been this sappy; she just taught me to be better at expressing it.' He cleared his throat again. 'And on that note: while we're being all mushy and emotional and talking about our feelings, I just wanted to say that I'll be proud to have my brother as my best man when I marry her.'
Sirius' whole body gave a start of shock, and he raised an eyebrow at James. 'You know I was joking when I made you promise I could be your best man you know? I wouldn't hold you to it if you wanted to ask someone else. Someone who'd actually be reliable and responsible. So, Remus basically.'
James nodded. 'I know that. I just suddenly realised that maybe you didn't know I was completely serious. I wouldn't have asked anyone else.'
Sirius' face lifted into the first real smile James had seen from him in the last few days. 'Then let's leave all this emotional crap here, and go inside and discuss your stag party; there's a bottle of mead in the kitchen with our names on it.'
They spent the entire trip back to the house trying to push each other off their broomsticks.
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Lily almost knocked her mother over when she spotted Artemis swooping into the garden with the newspaper gripped tightly in her talons. She flung open the kitchen window and her owl dropped the paper on the counter and left the kitchen immediately for the comfort of her outside nesting box.
Lily opened the paper and began to flip agitatedly through the pages, ignoring the slightly confused looks passing between her parents.
'Lily?' Her mother ventured. 'Is everything okay sweetheart?'
'I'm not sure yet.' Answered Lily, still frantically flipping pages like a women possessed. 'I'll let you know in a minute.'
She flipped over another page and then she saw her and James' faces staring out at her; it was a picture she recognised as one that Marlene had taken at Charlus' retirement party. James was standing behind her, hunched over a little so his arms could wrap around her and his head could rest on her shoulder. The both of them were laughing like fools as they posed, and every so often their heads would turn to the side so they could look at each other, and James would softly bump his nose against hers, eliciting an even bigger smile from her.
Lily smiled at the sight of the picture and the memories it evoked, but she did feel a tinge of embarrassment at such a personal photo being shared with the world. Biting her lip, she allowed her attention to drift to the words printed below the picture.
Mr and Mrs Charlus Potter, of Potter Manor, Wiltshire, are pleased to announce the engagement of their only son
James Charlus
to
Lily Catherine Evans
of Cokeworth, Surrey, daughter of Mr and Mrs William Evans.
The wedding date and venue is yet to be confirmed.
She blew out the breath she'd been unconsciously holding. She didn't know exactly what she'd been expecting, but the thought of having their engagement announced in the paper had been giving her palpitations ever since she'd given in to Dorea's request to have it done. This, she could handle; it was just a photograph, and a few lines in the announcements pages.
Probably no-one even read them anyway.
Suddenly feeling her parent's gaze on her, Lily looked up to see them still looking at her with some measure of concern about her slightly abnormal behaviour, so she simply folded the paper to the page and handed it silently to her mother before moving to the sideboard to make herself some toast.
She closed her eyes and started to count; her mother had started squealing before she'd made it to three.
'Oh Lily, what a beautiful photo! Just look at the two of you. Oh, sweetheart.' Lily turned to face her mother, her eyebrows lifting in amusement. Her father had leaned across the table to see the object of the gushing, but unlike her mother he seemed entirely unaffected by the picture and announcement in the wizarding press.
'Mum, you knew I was engaged. You supplied the ring for heaven's sake.'
'I know.' Rose sniffled. 'But it seems so much more real now. Both my girls are grown up.' She looked down at the paper again before she gave Lily a watery smile. 'It is a lovely photograph; it's almost a shame it's a magic one. I'd like a non-magic one of you and James to hang on the wall.'
Lily smiled. 'You can take a photo of me and James anytime you want Mum.'
'Oh, we should get a family portrait one as well!' Rose turned to face Petunia as she entered the room. 'What do you think Tuney?'
'Of what?' Petunia's answer was characteristically short-tempered; she was only barely speaking to Lily these days, and whenever they were required to be in the same room she reacted by refusing to interact any more than she had to.
'I think we should get a family portrait photograph done, just us four before you girls get married; while we're still all Evans'.' Rose smiled at her older daughter, obviously hoping for a positive reaction; she was keenly aware of the growing rift between her girls and she was far unhappier about it than she was letting on.
Petunia glanced up at Lily, who returned to buttering her toast and pretended not to have noticed, then back at her mother. 'If you want.'
'Well don't sound so enthusiastic.' Rose grumbled. Petunia forced a smile; for all she was currently at outs with Lily, she obviously had no desire to be at loggerheads with her mother as well.
'Sorry. You know I hate mornings.' She picked up the orange juice carton from the table and poured herself a glass. 'What brought this on anyway?'
'Your mother was gushing over Lily's engagement announcement in the paper, and now she has a bee in her bonnet about getting photographs of everybody apparently.' Williams answered the question before anyone else could, and Petunia's eyes finally fell on the Daily Prophet lying abandoned in the middle of the kitchen table. She usually resolutely ignored the wizarding newspaper, as if its very presence was contaminating, but now she very slowly pulled it over and stared mutely down at the smiling image of Lily and James for a few uncomfortable seconds.
'You put a wedding announcement in the paper?' she asked, not looking up from the page as she spoke to her sister and Lily found herself shifting anxiously as she turned round to face her.
'Yes. Well no, actually James' mother did. I wasn't exactly keen, but it's something the Potter family have always done.' Lily paused for another gulp of her coffee. 'There's quite a bit of emphasis on traditions with some of the older wizarding families, and it just…seemed easier to go along with this one, since James and I are already breaking quite a few others.'
Petunia's lips visibly thinned as her eyes continued to appraise the announcement. 'I see.'
'Manor houses, family vaults filled with gold and wedding announcements in the national press.' Rose laughed. 'I think you might not have told us everything there is to know about James' family sweetheart.'
'Yes, yes, we all know he's rich and a wizard and just bloody perfect, can we drop it now?' Petunia's voice dropped to almost a snarl.
'Petunia!' Rose looked shocked at the venomous tones coming from her daughter, but Lily shook her head at her mother.
'It doesn't matter Mum. Really.' Her voice was small, and an awkward silence fell over the room. She drained the last of her coffee and dropped the mug in the sink, abandoning her uneaten toast entirely. 'I'm just going to go upstairs and write some letters.'
She left the room and headed upstairs towards her room, aware of the scolding voice of her mother rising in volume in the kitchen, accompanied by the sound of Petunia's complaining response. She closed her bedroom door behind her, shutting the sounds of family discord out.
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'Oi, Prongs!' Sirius was standing on the lawn outside the kitchen of Potter Manor waving both arms at James, whose outline was just visible as he jogged around the garden paths in the distance.
'You could have just sent him a patronus you know.' Remus sounded amused as he leant against the door jamb, arms folded as he watched his friend jump up and down and wave his arms.
'That would be slower than this.' Sirius didn't turn to face him, nor did he slow the pace of his arm waving; he did increase the volume of his yells though.
'Quieter though.' Peter piped up; he was sitting on the step outside the kitchen door and watching the scene with amusement. 'How come you're not out jogging with him?'
Sirius dropped both arms and twisted his upper body to face his friends. 'When, in the seven years you have known me, have I ever given you the impression that I am likely to go jogging?'
'Well, to be fair, Prongs never used to go jogging either. Unless he did and I somehow managed never to notice.' Peter looked up at Remus, still standing alongside him and leaning against the doorframe. 'He didn't, right?'
Remus shook his head. 'No, Prongs never showed any inclination for jogging while we were at school.' He watched his friend for a moment before a thought struck him. 'Perhaps he's missing Quidditch?'
Sirius snorted and folded his arms across his chest. 'We play loads of pick-up games, and we could easily organise bigger, proper ones if he really wanted to. More likely he's trying to take his mind off of how much he misses his beloved Lily.'
A small frown settled across Remus' brow. 'How long has it been since he saw her then?'
'Yesterday.' Sirius answered shortly. 'Wedding announcement went in the paper and her sister went ape-shit for reasons known only to herself, so he went over for moral support. But he's a lovestruck fool, and I imagine if you asked him you'd get some overly poetic answer about hours feeling like days or some such shit.'
Peter laughed, but Remus just shook his head. 'You've become awfully cynical recently Padfoot.'
Sirius frowned in response. 'I've reason enough, don't you think?'
There was an uncomfortable silence for a few moments as all three boys watched James circle back towards them and pick up his pace to reach them sooner. He stopped a few hundred yards away from them and began a cooling walk as he moved towards the house.
'Moony. Wormtail.' He gave them a bright smile through his heavy breathing. 'Wasn't expecting you today.' He paused, leaning his hands on his knees as he tried to steady his breathing back to normal pace, and then a momentary flash of confusion crossed his face. 'I wasn't supposed to be expecting you was I? Because if I was I'll have to apologise now, it slipped my mind entirely.'
Remus smiled and shook his head. 'We're here unannounced, don't worry. We're just taking advantage of your hospitality.'
James slung an arm around his shoulder as they entered the kitchen. 'Well, you're always welcome here mate.' He let go and walked over to the pantry, pulling out a pitcher of pumpkin juice and summoning four glasses with a quick wave of his wand as he carried it over to the table. He slumped down into a seat, poured himself a glass of juice and took off his glasses to wipe his face with his hand.
'So is this a social call?' he enquired, replacing his glasses and looking at his friends. Peter and Sirius both looked to Remus, who gave a one-shoulder shrug. 'Half and half really. I do have a few things to tell you all but it seemed a much pleasanter idea to grab Pete and come for a visit rather than write to you all or whatever. Get out of the house and see everybody and all that.'
James grinned. 'Aren't apparition licences great? This is the first summer we've all been able to come and go pretty much as we choose; no relying on the floo system or side-alongs.'
Sirius scowled at him. 'All you do with yours these days is visit Lily.'
James scowled right back. 'She is my fiancée, I do quite like her if you hadn't noticed.'
'Oh, we'd all noticed.' Said Peter dryly, getting a laugh out of Remus and a grin out of James.
'Well, what can I say?' James downed his glass of juice in two enormous gulps. 'I'm an affectionate sort, and I see no reason to hide it.'
'Okay, enough you lot. Padfoot, are you alright?' Remus frowned across the table at Sirius. 'You seem really out of sorts mate.'
Sirius slumped back in his chair with a sigh. 'I know, I know, I'm a grouch. That's pretty much the last thing Marlene yelled at me before she went to stay with Mary for a couple of days. Only she didn't put it that politely.'
'I'll bet.' Remus shuddered at the thought of the profanity that had probably left Marlene's mouth.
Sirius looked down at his hands as they spun his glass of juice round in circles on the table. 'Things are just…getting on top of me a little at the moment. I'll be fine.'
He kept his eyes fixed on the table as he swigged from his glass, and each of his friends was quiet for a minute as they observed him. After a moment he seemed to brighten up, and he looked over at James. 'Wormtail was a bit perplexed by your new hobby Prongs.'
James raised an eyebrow. 'Come again?'
'The jogging, mate.'
Peter suddenly sat up straighter. 'Yeah, what's with the jogging Prongs?'
'I like the exercise, and it gives me time to think.' James shrugged. 'And there's a physical portion of the auror testing, so I want to be ready.'
Sirius shook his head in mock sadness. 'I remember the days before you became all thoughtful and responsible. You were more fun.'
James gave him an exasperated look. 'I was a git and you know it.'
'You were still fun.' Sirius grinned at him and James gave up, shaking his head at his friend even as a small smile lurked at the corners of his mouth. There was a part of Sirius that would probably always be that lost little boy he'd met on the Hogwart's Express, and James was aware that his best friend was rather insecure about all the changes that leaving school had brought about. It was only fair to cut him some slack, so James said nothing in response.
'Anyway, enough small talk.' Remus broke the slightly awkward moment by standing up and collecting a leather satchel that had been sitting on the floor by the door. 'Take a look at some of this.'
He emptied out the contents onto the table, and four sets of hands began to sort through the sheaves of paper that fell out.
'Bloody hell Moony, what is all this?' James picked up the nearest scroll of parchment and unrolled it to reveal a map of London with a number of locations marked with coloured dots. Remus leant sideways to peer round James and see what he was looking at.
'That is a map of occurrences in London that could be attributed to Death Eater activity.' He answered and began to root through some of the other papers on the table. 'There's a key somewhere that explains what the different colours mean. And there are maps of the rest of the country too; some of the cities have their own individual maps because there were so many incidents, but there is one complete map of Britain somewhere…a-ha!'
He pulled out a large roll of parchment with a flourish and unrolled it across the table so they could look at it; the four of them gathered round to examine the map.
'So each dot is an event that the Death Eaters were responsible for?' Sirius asked, his head bent close to the page as he examined a surprisingly large cluster in the area around Newcastle.
'An event it is reasonable to suspect Death Eaters were behind.' Corrected Remus. 'There's no hard evidence for most of this, just speculation. They're too smart to leave obvious proof unless they intend to.'
'And the newspaper clippings?' Peter asked, holding a handful up in the air.
'Just supporting evidence.' Remus shrugged. 'Some of them are from the muggle press as well; this map shows incidents that have been overlooked because they weren't reported in wizarding press.'
'So what's this all in aid of Moony?' James was still poring over the map. 'I mean, of course as much information as possible is helpful, but I'm guessing you have an aim in mind for this?'
Remus nodded, smiling slightly at his friend's astuteness. 'I was thinking that we might be able to establish a pattern; maybe in the timing or the location of the attacks. We might be able to pre-empt them, or maybe even establish possible locations for Death Eater safe houses and strongholds.'
Sirius whistled and James looked up sideways at Remus, grin fixed on his face. 'You always were the smart one.'
'Maybe,' said Pete sitting back down across from them, 'but I'm still rather disappointed that you've been spending your time this summer putting all this together. It's practically homework.' He pointed a finger accusatorily. 'And school is over my furry friend.'
Remus looked suddenly uncomfortable, a fact that didn't go unnoticed by the other three, who all looked at him curiously. He shifted slightly, then sighed and closed his eyes. He'd known he was probably going to have to tell them the truth, but he'd really hoped to find a way around it.
'If you must know, Julia did most of it. She passed on what she'd found to me and I collated it.'
James' eyebrows rose and Peter's jaw dropped, but Sirius just grinned. 'You're much more duplicitous than I gave you credit for Moony! You haven't been doing serious research at all, you've been sneaking around with Miss Huxley. Well well.'
Remus sighed. He'd known this would happen the moment he mentioned Julia's involvement in this. 'We're not sneaking around. We've met up a few times since school finished, that's all. Just a coffee or an ice-cream or whatever. You know we're friends.'
'Yeah, you're friends with Frank and Mary too, but you're not meeting them for coffee and ice-cream.' Said Peter. 'And you haven't told any of us about meeting up with her either, and that's a bit strange mate.'
'Oh, I'm sorry.' Said Remus with an unusual amount of heat and sarcasm in his tone. 'I completely forgot that all my social engagements must be run past you lot. You aren't my keepers.'
'He didn't mean that Moony.' Said James quietly. Remus looked at him sharply and James shook his head. 'He didn't. It's just…we've all noticed this okay? You would have more than likely mentioned to one of us if you were meeting Lily, or Alice or whoever, but you seem to not want to talk about Julia. Can you blame us for thinking that there's something more to your relationship with her? And all we can do is speculate, because you won't talk to us.'
'Because you react like this!' The words, and the anger behind them, seemed to surprise Remus almost as much as everyone else. 'You make stupid assumptions based on the idea that I'm just like the rest of you, and I'm not okay? I'm not. I don't have the choices you do, I don't have the same options. I'm not going to have nice normal lives like you lot are, I'm not going to get a good job and get married and have a family. Yeah, I like Julia; she's funny and intelligent and sweet and we're friends!'
Remus took two deep breaths to try and regain more of a semblance of control before he finished what he was saying in a more level tone. 'And it doesn't matter if I want anything more, because I can't have it. I don't get to be anything more than friends with her. So forgive me if I don't want to talk to you lot about all the things I can't have, whether I want them or not.'
There was a moment of shocked silence, then Sirius tried to speak. 'Moony…'
'Don't.' Remus held up a hand to stop him. 'You've been the best friends I could have asked for over the last few years, and I'll always be grateful for that. But you can't possibly imagine what it's like to be what I am.'
'What, a person?' asked Sirius sharply. 'Strange, because I thought we all had a bit of experience with that.'
Remus' fist clenched. 'Stop it Padfoot.'
'Stop what?' asked Sirius mockingly. 'Treating you like a human being? Like a mate? You know bloody well I'd have taken the piss out of Prongs or Wormtail if I found out they'd been meeting up with a girl without telling me about it, so forgive me for treating you exactly the same as them!'
'Padfoot…' There was no mistaking the warning tone in James' voice, but Sirius was on too much of a roll to be stopped now.
'Just to clear it up mate, you aren't the only one with a giant bucket load of shit in your life. You face prejudice because of what you are, well so do I! I'm a fucking Black! You think people don't know what kind of wizards my family produce? You think they don't take one look at me and start whispering about dark arts? People jump to conclusions without bothering to find out the first thing about me, and I live with that every day, just like you do! So don't try telling me that everything in my life is so fucking rosy that I can't understand your problems.'
'Your family has a bit of a dodgy reputation!' Remus ground out the words, fists clenched as he leant towards across the table towards Sirius. 'I'm a sodding werewolf!'
Sirius leant right back across the table and stabbed a finger in Remus' face. 'And my brother's a fucking Death Eater!'
The four of them sat frozen for a moment as Remus and Sirius locked eyes across the table and Peter and James eyed them nervously, and then Remus pushed his chair back and stood up.
'I'm going for a walk.' He left without making eye contact with any of them, the back door juddering in its frame when he slammed it shut.
James let out one long breath and turned to look at Sirius, still resting his elbows on the table, posture rigid. 'Padfoot…' he began again, but was cut off by Sirius standing up abruptly.
'I'm going to reply to Marlene's letter.' He announced, turning and leaving the room before either of them could try and say anything else.
James and Peter were left looking at each other across the Potter's kitchen table. Peter lifted the pitcher of juice and looked from it to James.
'Got anything stronger?' he asked, one eyebrow rising.
James nodded wearily, his right hand making trails through his hair. 'Oh yeah, I think this calls for a visit to the drinks cabinet.' He stood up and headed for the door, not stopping to check that Peter was following him; his short friend fell into step with him in the hallway as they headed towards the family lounge.
'I'll tell you what Prongs,' he said somewhat mournfully, 'I wish I hadn't got out of bed this morning.'
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'Padfoot.' James leant against the door and sighed. 'Are you seriously doing this? Sulking in your room because you had a row with Remus?'
There was no answer, and James absent-mindedly buried a hand in his hair while he considered his options. He could leave Sirius to his sulks – after all, he'd only been shut up in there for a day – but that felt like he was abandoning him, however irrational the thought might be. Yelling at him through the door had so far been ineffectual; kicking the door in seemed extreme, but would definitely make him feel better. He sighed again and carried on with his one-sided conversation.
'We talked to him you know. Moony. I'm not sure we got through to him at all, but we had a go. He's pretty torn up about this Julia thing.'
Still nothing.
'Seems to me the least you could do is answer me when I talk to you. You know, seeing as I'm your best mate who's been putting up with your shit for seven years now.'
'Oh, let me at him.' Lily pushed past him and stood in front of the door. 'Sirius Black, you get your ugly, moronic, pea-brained arse out of your bed and you open this door right now!' she yelled, kicking the door for emphasis. It rattled in its frame.
There was still no answer, and Lily drew her foot back for another kick. 'I mean it Sirius, I will hex you into next week if you don't stop being such a wanker about this!'
She let her foot fly and kicked the door in three hard raps. 'James may be too soft to say it, but I'm not; you're being a comprehensive prick. Remus got over this stupid row, so I don't see why you can't stop being such a bloody cry-baby.'
To James' complete shock the door opened to reveal a dishevelled and grouchy Sirius. 'A cry-baby? I'm being a cry-baby? You didn't hear him, whining on about himself as if he wasn't a real person. And he thinks we don't understand what it's like to for life to throw you a clusterfuck, as if any of us have it all rainbows and fucking roses…'
'Blah blah blah.' Lily interrupted, fixing him with a glare that would have cut glass. 'Would you listen to yourself? Since when did you wallow in self-pity? And before you even think of saying it, I don't care if you think that's what Remus has been doing, you are better than this.'
James' eyebrows rose higher and higher as he listened to Lily deliver a rant at his best friend, occasionally drilling her finger into his chest just to reinforce her point. By the time she was finished, James would have sworn that Sirius hadn't looked that thoroughly scolded since the time they'd caught his mother's favourite sofa on fire back in third year.
'Right, now we're all managing to act as if we're adults, I'm going to leave you to it. I'm going preliminary wedding dress shopping with Marlene and Alice.'
She grabbed James' elbows and used him as support to rise up on her tiptoes and press a quick kiss to his cheek, but he turned his head quickly and caught her lips with his; he felt her mouth curve up into a smile as he kissed her and he folded his arms around her to pull her in a little bit closer, a little bit tighter. She sighed into his mouth and he felt her fingertips run up his arms until she gripped his shoulders tightly, and he almost forgot where they were until he heard Sirius groan somewhere off to his right.
'Really? Do you two have to do that right here?'
He felt Lily slacken her grip and try to step away from him, and reluctantly he let her. She was blushing, but there was that little glint of happiness in her eyes that he loved and he felt the corners of his lips lift into a smile as he watched her move away down the hall, walking backwards as she addressed them both.
'See you both later, and I expect you to both be in one piece when I get back. Nothing less than full working order, understand?' she asked mock sternly, and ignoring the smirk on Sirius' face she spun on her heel and continued her way down the hall.
James watched her go for a moment before he turned to face his best friend. 'Something tells me that you've been bottling a few things up, judging by yesterday's little outburst.'
Sirius actually managed to look sheepish and James groaned. 'Why don't you just talk to me about this stuff Padfoot? I might actually be able to help.'
Sirius pulled a face. 'What, shall we sit around and talk about my feelings? Shall I cut my balls off and grow breasts while I'm at it?'
James eyed his best friend. 'You know you wouldn't dare make a comment like that in front of Marls.'
'That's just self-preservation. I happen to like getting laid.' Sirius fired back at him.
James winced slightly. 'I don't need those kind of mental images okay? I know it happens, but I don't need to think about it. And stop changing the subject.'
Sirius walked back into his room and sat on his bed; James followed and perched on the very edge of the seat of the armchair by the fire; he waited patiently for Sirius to speak, elbows resting on his knees. Sirius looked up at him and groaned as he fell back so that he was lying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling.
'I'm not good at talking about this stuff okay? It doesn't exactly come naturally to me.'
James shrugged. 'If you don't want to talk about it, then don't. But the fact that you tore a strip off your best friends yesterday suggests to me that you need to talk about it.'
'Merlin, you sound like one of those muggle head doctors. Psychopeterists or whatever the hell they're called.'
James shifted in his seat. 'You're still changing the subject.'
Sirius clapped a hand over his eyes. 'You want to hear it? Fine. Fine. Just…sit there and don't say anything.'
James sat back in the chair and waited, his silence an invitation for Sirius to continue.
'Okay. Right. Life is shit. There's a war going on, and my family is on one side and I'm on the other. And I don't really care about most of them: Bella and my mother and pretty well every one of them can get stuffed as far as I'm concerned. But I do care about you, and Remus and Pete and Marlene and your parents and so many other people, and when we start fighting, I mean really fighting, all those people I care about are going to be fighting my family.'
He stopped for a moment, and when he started again his voice was distinctly quieter, but his words flowed just as quickly.
'My family are going to be trying to kill the people I love, and just…how the fuck am I supposed to feel about that? And I don't want people to look at me and wonder if I can be trusted, and wonder if it's true that I'm not like the rest of them, because really, how can I not be?'
He took another deep breath, and this time his words were much calmer.
'And that's exactly how people would treat Moony if they knew; they'd view him with suspicion. No matter what his character is, he'd be tainted by association, just like I am. The only real difference is, he can hide it and hope people never find out. Everyone already knows who I am.'
He sat up and looked at James for the first time since he'd started speaking.
'So it really wound me up to hear him say we could never understand, because we could. And let's be honest here, even if we couldn't, we've always tried haven't we? And right now, I really don't need to have my friends drift away from me too.'
James waited a few moments to see if Sirius had anything else to say; when it became apparent that he didn't, he stood up and moved across the room to sit next to him.
'Feel better?'
Sirius snorted. 'No.'
'Liar.' James flopped back on the bed alongside him. 'Moony's always been the most private of us; always picked and chosen what to tell us and when. Doesn't mean he doesn't trust us. Come on, I don't tell you everything do I? But I know I could if I really needed to. That's what important. We're all still here for each other, but only when we need each other to be. We're all entitled to our privacy; doesn't mean we're not friends just because we have secrets. We don't have to tell each other everything.'
Sirius continued to stare up at his ceiling as James spoke.
'Moony's sorry about the row you know. He just…blew up I suppose. Like you did. We're all frustrated, all worried about what's happening and it just boiled over. You and Moony have slightly more significant problems than me and Pete, and we know that. But Padfoot, anyone who looks at you two with suspicion because of who your parents are or something that happened to you as a child can go to hell, because I'd trust you both with my life. And Lily's, and you know how much that means.'
Sirius turned his head slightly to face him, his expression slightly more cheerful than it had been for a couple of days now. 'So what's your advice, O Mighty Sage of Wisdom?'
James punched him in the side. 'Don't take the piss out of me when I'm trying to help you. My advice is; try not to let it drag you down. Focus on the positives, on all the good things in your life. As for the rest of it, well, we can only do what we can. If something is shitty and it's bothering you, try and do something about it, just like we're doing by joining the Order. That whole approach got me through a year as Head Boy when I didn't have a clue what I was doing, so I can vouch for its effectiveness.'
'Yeah.' Said Sirius. 'But you had Lily as your safety net.'
'Right.' Responded James. 'And so do you. As demonstrated by the verbal arse-kicking she delivered earlier. Don't for one minute think that Lils won't call you out on your bullshit, just like Marls will, or me, or Remus. We'll stick together on this, and we'll get each other through this.'
Sirius didn't reply, and James had really run out of things to say, so they lay next to each other on Sirius' bed for a few moments while they considered things. Sirius was the first to sit up, and he scrubbed his hands over his face.
'So…if something was bothering me, and I wanted to do something about it, would you help me?'
James eyes narrowed at his friend's expression.
'That depends.'
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'I can't decide whether this is a bad idea, or a catastrophically bad idea.' James muttered as he and Sirius hurried down a darkened side street.
'Oh, it's an incredibly bad idea,' said Sirius with unnecessary and completely false cheer, 'but it's just something I feel like I have to do. I need to feel like I tried.'
James put a hand on Sirius' shoulder and pulled him to a halt. 'Mate. You did try. You couldn't have done more, short of actually kidnapping him.'
Sirius nodded, his smile sliding off his face. 'I don't know if I could have done anything differently. I just need to try this one last thing, and then I can put it to rest. It's going to nag at me otherwise.'
James gave him a fleetingly small grin. 'Then let's do it.'
Sirius nodded at him, and the two of them stepped out of the side street into the central square of Grimmauld Place. They crossed the communal garden and climbed the steps leading to Number 12.
Sirius took a deep breath and seemed to be thinking about something briefly, but then he knocked sharply before speaking to James under his breath. 'I could probably still get in without having to knock, but I may as well start off on her good side. Or as close to it as I'm ever getting.'
The door creaked open to reveal a house-elf, dressed in the standard grey rags and glowering up at them.
'I want to speak to Mistress Walburga.' Sirius stared straight ahead of him as he spoke, his eyes never straying down to the elf in the doorway who scowled in response.
'Mistress doesn't want you to come in.' the elf wheezed, his glare roving between Sirius and James. 'Mistress isn't home to blood traitors.'
James glanced at Sirius, whose jaw clenched but his tone remained even. 'Go and tell her who is at the door Kreacher. Ask her if she imagines she could keep me out, if I really wanted to come in. I'm as much a Black as she is, and she'd do well to remember it.'
The elf glowered at him, but reluctantly turned and shuffled off along the hallway; Sirius stepped through the doorframe and gestured James in behind him.
'What?' he asked when he noticed the speculative look James was giving him.
'Just a bit out of character for you mate. You like house elves as a rule; and I'm just not used to you being so formal about your lineage either.'
Sirius scowled. 'Yeah, well. I don't think my lineage is much to be proud of, but she does. I'm not above playing on that if I have to. And I do like house elves – except for that one. I've had one nasty dealing too many with that one.'
James nodded understandingly as Kreacher shuffled his way back towards them along the hallway.
'Mistress says you must leave. Mistress says you defile her house.'
'Oh for Merlin's sake. I assume the daft old bat is still spending her evenings lurking in the dining room?' Sirius pushed past Kreacher and opened the door behind him. James followed him quickly, careful to keep one eye on the elf; house-elves would not usually wield their magic against a wizard, considering them to be their betters, but if there was anybody that would have an elf that didn't respect that it would be Walburga Black.
By the time he closed the door on the elf, Sirius was already toe to toe with his mother and they were shouting furiously at each other.
'How dare you?! You besmirch the house of your ancestors…'
'My ancestors were a bunch of drooling, inbred streaks of piss, and not much has changed!' Sirius roared. 'My dunderhead of a brother proves that much!'
'Your brother understands the dignity of his position, the importance of purity…'
'My brother is going to get himself killed! Do you understand that you insane old bat?' There isn't going to be any glory for the Noble House of Black here!'
Walburga drew herself up taller. 'When the magical world is returned to its former magnificence, your brother will be one of the celebrated few! He will be respected and admired, and he will take his place in history.'
'Funny that.' Said James loudly, interrupting before Sirius could speak again. 'Because he wasn't respected or admired for his views by most people while we were at Hogwarts. Sirius was. Most of the magical world isn't on your side here. Perhaps it's time you really understood that.'
'How dare you address me?!' Walburga was practically radiating anger as she bristled at his words. 'You corrupted my son until he was led so far astray he was disowned, you and your bunch of snivelling blood traitors. You Potters have always been less than the other Ancient houses, have never truly understood dignity and pride…'
'I understand that allowing your son to abandon his schooling to go off to follow a deranged megalomaniac in his illegal exploits is tantamount to killing him yourself.' James' words were cold and calm, his expression totally neutral.
Walburga drew in a deep breath, but the impending eruption was cut off by Sirius casting a silencing spell closely followed by a binding spell; Walburga found herself quite firmly strapped to a dining chair. Even James seemed a little shocked.
'I have no interest in rehashing familiar old arguments with you mother.' Sirius straightened up as he spoke, waving his wand to release her from the silencing spell. 'I merely came to enquire after Regulus. Have you spoken to him since he left school?'
Walburga fixed her eyes on a tapestry on the wall and refused to respond to him. Sirius simply held his wand under her chin threateningly.
'Answer me.' Her eyes flickered to him briefly and she shook her head almost imperceptibly.
'Not even a letter?' Another little shake.
Sirius withdrew his wand with a sigh. 'So presumably you don't have any way of contacting him. You don't actually even know if he's alive do you mother?'
'He is.' Walburga spoke firmly. 'I believe he is.'
Sirius looked at her coldly. 'You believe that, if it makes you feel better about what you've done to him.'
He gestured towards the door and James stepped towards it before he hesitated and gestured back. 'Should we untie her?' he asked uncertainly.
Sirius glanced over his shoulder at his mother, still bound to the chair. 'Kreacher can do it. He's the only one who cares.'
He followed James out of the room and out of the house without another word. They crossed the square back into the little street they'd come from and made their way back to the lonely alley that had served as their apparition point.
They didn't speak until the lights of Potter Manor were visible before them.
'This is my home you know.' Sirius spoke quietly. 'Since that summer after first year really.'
'Yeah.' Answered James, his voice just as quiet. 'I know.'
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A/N: Just a quick note about Sirius here: I know he might seem a little OOC in that last part of the chapter (as noted by James), but I've often thought that Sirius is a more complex character than he's usually portrayed as.
He was raised to be cold and callous and cruel, and while he is none of those things, I honestly think he could still act that way if he wanted or needed to. He's a Black, and while he renounces his ancestry and what it means, it's still a part of him. I'd be prepared to bet that Sirius is capable of far more than his friends would like to think.
Also, Remus' little strop. Well, there has to be a temper in there somewhere doesn't there?
Let me know what you think
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