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2. Preparations
It was not until I woke to Edwards gentle shaking, and soft voice murmuring to me that it was ok, I was safe, that I realized I was crying in my sleep. As I realized the coolness of his arms around me, I felt the desperation leaving, replaced with the unbelievable feeling of love and safety I always felt in his arms. Strange, that I should have this dream, the night before our wedding. I believed it was another creation of my wild subconscious; that it was not real. However, what I had come to realize with my dreams was that there were seeds of truth in them; bits of real things. I believed I would see seeds of truth in my minds latest offering manifested someway at some point. I wondered if extreme dreaming would be a helpful ability after I was changed. The thought did not bring me comfort.
I tried to figure out what real things I was seeing in my dream. I knew that it had to do with me, but that was all. As I began to scrutinize things, the voice that was "the most significant sound in my world," to quote its owner, spoke; "A bad dream?" He asked.
I nodded without speaking, wiping the tears from my eyes.
"Do you want to tell me about it?"
I shook my head, and nuzzled closer to his chest. "It's nothing," I said. As I put everything but him out of my mind, he spoke again.
"Bella" he said in a very serious tone, a tone that I had come to recognize and fear in the past. A tone that, sounded like he was about to do something for my own good.
I immediately pulled myself out of his arms to look at his face. If I allowed myself to give into my emotions more, I might be reduced to tears every time I looked at him. His face was perfect, symmetrical, otherworldly, and so beautiful, that my insecurity got the better of me. How could Edward really be satisfied with me? In my mind, no amount of vampire venom could make me into the counterpart he truly deserved. I quickly forgot that inequity, as I looked into his honey-amber eyes that seemed to spill over with what I could only interpret as regret. As I looked at him, he seemed to sense what was going through my mind. Even though mine was the one mind on the planet whose thoughts he could not access, he had become very good at guessing what I was thinking.
He pulled me into his arms again, and kissed me until I forgot everything including my name. "Um…did…you…um want to ask me something?" I asked in short breaths.
"Yes" he said smiling.
"Allowing myself a moment to recover, I said, "OK, you were saying?"
He laughed a little, before his serious face returned, and he continued. "You know that today, is the fulfillment of my dreams. And I cannot believe how lucky I am to have found you; to have you become my wife".
He stopped, his eyes never leaving mine, but put his hands on both sides of my face. "But Bella, if there is any doubt or reservation in your mind that this is not the right choice for you; if for any reason you don't want to go through with today, I will understand. Today is not set in stone, no matter what Alice has said to the contrary. I only want your happiness Bella, even if it is not with me. It is still the most important thing in the world to me."
He kissed me again, softer, more tenderly than before. He let his hands drop to his lap and continued to stare into my eyes. Even if I were not already so sure of myself, I still would have found it impossible to disappoint him, looking into his eyes and seeing the pain and suffering he was already needlessly suffering. That suffering was a reminder of my own, during the time we were apart. The hole that his absence had left in me had healed with his return, but it had left an internal scar. A reminder of what I would suffer again if he ever were not part of my life. I had just suffered that pain again, and though it was only in a dream, it made it all too real for me.
I took his pale hands in mine, and looked deeper into his eyes and said with all the truth and conviction of my heart, "Edward, you are the only thing in this world that I want, that I need, that I can never live without. I will marry you; I will spend the rest of my life with you, not only because it is my heart's desire, but because it is the only way I can live in this world or any other".
My voice was calm and even, and yet it began to break with emotion and truth of my own words. "I have no doubt, and no reservations. I love you Edward.
As I stared into his eyes, tears again slowly streaming down my face, the pain in his eyes was gone, replaced with an unfathomable look of love and contentment. He held me as I let my emotions take over, and cried what I knew would not be the last tears of the day.
"I don't deserve you Bella," he whispered, "I truly do not deserve you."
After a few more minutes, Edward, finally, reluctantly, took his leave to go and prepare for the wedding. He would be getting an earful from Alice later, as she had been insisting on observing every wedding tradition in the book. Nevertheless, Edward and I had decided that we would spend the last night before our wedding together, as had been our tradition almost since the beginning of our relationship. I knew she would soon be at my doorstep with disappointed, disbelieving looks. Seeing as I had given in to almost all her demands concerning the wedding, I felt entitled to take a few liberties. I smiled at the thought that I had literally eternity to get her back.
As I finished with my shower and waited for Alice, I began to look around the little room in Charlie's house that had been so much a part of my life. I began to feel a sense of loss, assuming I would never set foot here again. My few pieces of clothing and belongings that I would be taking with me had been packed and ready to go for days. I had transferred my suitcases to the Cullen's home, where the ceremony and reception would be held. Considering the limited options Forks had to offer, and wanting to keep under the vampire safe cloud cover of the area, the Cullen's massive home with its park-like grounds, seemed the logical place to hold the event. Then I thought of Charlie. My father who had done so much for me in his way: had shown me how much he loved me. My memory wandered back to that fateful day when, had it not been for Edward, Tyler Crowley's van would have decided my fate. Before the event that would start me on the journey of discovering what Edward and his family really were, I had been moved by the simple act of Charlie putting snow chains on my tires. He did not make a fuss about it; he just put them on without a word. It was his way, and I knew I would miss it.
Then my thoughts turned to my mom; simple, light hearted René who seemed more like a sister than my mother. I had already lost so much time with René after moving here to Forks. Except unlike Charlie, René had Phil to help her through my absence. Charlie had always been a loner since my mom's departure from him and their marriage when I was a baby. I knew that Charlie would morn my absence very deeply. It was one point of regret that I knew I would have a hard time dealing with. So much so, that I decided, I would do everything in my power to make this day as happy for him as I possibly could.
Alice arrived to take Charlie and me to the Cullen's, and of course, I had to suffer with her complaints about the groom not seeing the bride before the ceremony. I reminded her that he had not seen the dress, and that he would still have that experience. Being satisfied with that thought, she forgave me.
"Just promise me" she pleaded, "not to spoil any more of my plans."
Despite my abhorrence to all things wedding-ish, I smiled at my maid of honor, held up my hand in obedience, and swore my undying allegiance to the wedding plans. She smiled in spite of herself, hugged me tighter than a bear trap, and promised she would make it all up to me, some century or another. Alice had been like one possessed, with the wedding plans. She had decided that she would create such an occasion beyond anything ever seen in Forks. I imagined that the entire state of Washington would probably marvel at her offering. I shuddered to think of the humiliations I was about to suffer!
Charlie came down the stairs, in jeans and flannel shirt, with a look of uncertainty.
"Hey Alice, how are you hon?" he asked.
Despite the period of time when Charlie would have rather I joined a cult than spend any time with Edward, he had developed a true affection for Alice. Her genuinely kind and disarming demeanor, had worked its charm on Charlie early on. Despite his distaste for the day's proceedings, he was truly glad to see her.
There was of course, the usual father-of-the-bride complaint, even for Charlie.
"Alice was it necessary for me to wear a tux? I have perfectly good suit upstairs.
"Charlie that suit is older than Bella," Alice said, I struggled not to laugh.
"Ok, ok," he allowed, "but was a good idea not to have me try the tux on? It's bad enough to have to wear one, but being trussed up in some foreign job that chokes me, is going to be torture!"
Alice contained her amusement as she said, "Charlie I measured you myself, and I know it will fit like a glove!" Only she and I knew the true meaning of those words.
On the ride over to the Cullen's, Alice and Charlie talked about the wedding, and ceremony, the food, and all things in between. Distracted by my thoughts I might have otherwise joined in. I watched them, thinking about Charlie, and the few hours I had left with him. Saying goodbye to my father was not something I was looking forward to doing. Charlie and I had become close in the two years since I had come to live with him. We of course had had our disagreements, mostly concerning Edward; but I had come to care deeply for my father, more than I had thought possible.
As we neared the Cullen's private road, another face came into my mind, Jacob…my Jacob. The term sent currents of guilt through my body. I had no right to call him that. I who had put him through so much pain, who had driven him from his home and his family; but I was still selfish when it came to Jacob Black. My feelings, my genuine love for Jacob had not diminished. However, I had finally put it in its proper place. What I really wanted was my friend. The kind-hearted 15 year-old I had met on First Beach at La Push. The beautiful copper skinned boy with the silky black hair, and infectious smile, who was so full of hope and laughter, and was so easy to like; so easy to love. I knew that that boy was gone forever.
The realities of what Jacob was; the werewolf legacy passed down to him from his fathers, had replaced the boy with an older, wiser, and hardened version of Jacob. If that had not been bad enough my choosing Edward over him, sealed away my Jacob forever. Still I longed for him. I wished with all my heart that I could somehow make it up to him. I knew I never could. It was a pain I would have to endure with him, my penance, I reminded myself. I then reminded myself that today was for Edward and I would try only to think of him today.
As Alice busied herself with preparing the bride, I began to ponder her earlier words…some century or another. What would it be like to live such a long time? To spend centuries with Edward, to experience all that we would together. What did our future hold? I began to think about the immediate future, my wedding night. I did not know if Alice noticed, but my cheeks became flushed with the thought of my one human experience I had insisted on having. Making love with Edward or trying to at least, had been the bargaining chip for this day's whole affair. I was not sure how it would turn out, but was crazed with the thought of it. I knew I had to keep myself in check, or pass out with anticipation. I distracted myself by looking at Edward's wedding ring. It had belonged to his father. It was a simple gold band; simple but to my eyes exquisitely beautiful, just like Edward. It was one of the pieces left to him by his human parents. The inside of the ring was engraved with one word: "Forever." I could not help thinking how true, how fitting that word was for Edward and I. Quickly I put the ring back in its box, knowing I would soon be in tears, and would spoil my face.
I began to look at myself in the mirror. I had told myself that I would not complain about anything Alice did for me or to me today. As I looked at my face, I realized that Alice had done what I thought could never be done. She had transformed me into a beautiful bride. My make-up not over stated truly enhanced my face. She seemed to choose the perfect colors for my complexion, my eyes, and my hair. The hair she took great pains with, enduring my complaints without flinching. I began to scrutinize her efforts. My hair was pulled up around to the top of my head, with soft falling tresses framing my face. There was just a hint of curl, with a very decidedly Victorian flare. It was not the Anne of Green Gables style as I had imagined but more a modern version of it. I suddenly realized it was perfect, and I loved it. It was still me, but a bridal me. Renee' had flown in with Phil, and had assisted Alice with everything; enjoying the full mother of the bride experience without raining on Alice's parade. She had finally retreated to save Phil from having to talk to a bunch of strangers.
Looking in a full-length mirror at my dress, I realized how much love and thought Alice had put into everything. Overcome with emotion, and despite my best efforts, the tears began to spill just a little. "Oh…no…you…don't!" Alice cried, skipping to my side with tissue and the proper make-up in case a touch up was necessary. "You can at least hold it together until the ceremony Bella!"
With the most convincing look of contrition I could muster, I composed myself, and began to gather the cascading bouquet of crimson stargazer lilies and white orchids, when my thoughts began to focus on the part of my future that most concerned me, the process of my becoming a vampire. I knew it was what I wanted, what I had to do. I knew that it was the only logical course for me to stay with Edward. Knowing it would be Edward himself that would change me, made it more bearable. I believed, and I knew probably mistakenly so, that if it was Edward, it would somehow be less terrifying, and perhaps less painful. Edward had mentioned that Carlisle would try to lesson the pain with morphine. But since none of them had had any experience with someone who was willingly choosing to go through the change, it was all conjecture as to how I would react, and what good if any the morphine would do.
Alice, scrutinizing my face for any damage my tears might have done, seemed to sense I was ruminating about something.
"What is it Bella" she asked with concern.
Knowing I needed to talk about it, I began…" I'm thinking about the change Alice." She looked at me with an apprehensive eye. "Don't worry Alice," I assured her, "I have never been more ready to do anything in my life. I am more ready to do that, than walk down the aisle. I am wondering though about how it will feel, how I will feel. I think if I can see Edward's face, hear his voice, know that he's with me it might not be so bad. What if I couldn't see him or hear him though? I have to admit, that thought frightens me more than the pain Alice."
She looked into my eyes and said, "We will all be there to help you through it Bella." Hugging me very gently she continued, "I can't see everything Bella, but I do see you changed, and with Edward. I have never seen anything else in your future. I know that whatever you have to endure to get there you will. And whatever we can do to help you, we will." Her words gave me such comfort all I could do was hug my sister.
