He was surprised she wasn't fighting him this time, and thought it was a ploy to make him drop his guard. When she didn't move, he looked down at her: The reality of this beautiful woman in his arms took his breath away… And then his heart nearly broke as he saw a lone tear roll down her cheek.
Chapter 2
Truth
Elliot watched the tear as it traced its way down Olivia's face and dropped out of sight. He'd loosened his hold on her, but she didn't seem inclined to move out of his arms. He gently pulled her to him and rested his chin on her head. She stirred, but made no attempt to pull away.
The close proximity was having an unsettling effect. Her familiar scent was intoxicating… Shampoo, perfume, whatever—it was uniquely her: For a moment he was back in the squad room with Olivia leaning over him while they worked, her hair falling down, sometimes brushing his face… He'd known it was dangerous to be that close to his gorgeous partner. He noticed she'd let her hair grow longer, the luxurious auburn waves accentuating her natural feminine beauty—and he loved how it looked on her.
"What happened tonight, Liv? Before you came home, I mean," Elliot murmured softly.
As if this were the cue she'd been waiting for, Olivia pulled out of his arms and stepped away, leaving some distance between them. She slowly raked her fingers through her hair, almost as though she'd known what he'd been thinking, making him a little self-conscious.
"Don't you need to get home to Kathy, Elliot?" she asked tiredly.
She didn't know...? He'd just assumed she knew about the divorce, but clearly she didn't or she wouldn't be asking. Elliot cleared his throat. It sounded like he was getting ready to make a speech.
"Uh, Liv, Kathy and I divorced six months ago. I was sure you'd have heard about it from someone... No one told you?" he asked nervously.
"No, Elliot, no one told me," Olivia said, looking up at him with a question in her eyes. "What makes you think anyone else at the precinct knows about it? Have you kept in touch with anyone?" she inquired, trying a little too hard to keep her voice indifferent.
This was going to be a touchy subject—one he'd much rather not address tonight, but it appeared there'd be no way to avoid it. "Yeah, Olivia, I have," Elliot admitted sheepishly, looking down. When he had the courage to look at her again he felt like he'd been sucker punched. The hurt and betrayal in Olivia's brown eyes tore him apart. "Liv… Liv, it's not what you think," he rushed to her, trying desperately to make her listen.
Olivia held her hands up to keep him from coming any closer. "Elliot there is nothing, nothing you can say to me right now that can possibly make this right. I want you to…"
"I've been in therapy with Huang," Elliot blurted before she could finish, and the surprised relief on her face told him it had been the right thing to say. He knew it would serve no purpose to mention that he was also in regular contact with Alex Cabot and Donald Cragen.
If Olivia had realized the close tabs he'd kept on her since his retirement she'd be beyond furious with him. Hell, she'd probably accuse him of stalking her—and she'd have a case if she chose to pursue it. Knowing Liv, if she ever found out she'd kick his ass. Fortunately for Elliot there were a few good friends at the precinct and in the NYPD who cared about Olivia. They'd willingly helped him "have her back" from afar, giving him some much-needed comfort until he could go to her.
Elliot knew how fond Captain Cragen was of both he and Olivia—in spite of their penchant for keeping him up to his ass in run-ins with the 1PP and IAB brass: When Don contacted Elliot to check on him—and the conversation had turned to Olivia—he'd told him he'd always thought there was more to the bond between them than mere partnership. Not that he'd believed they'd acted on it, he said—he doubted they'd even realized it while they were still partners—but it was there. So he'd been more than happy to let Elliot know from time to time how Olivia was faring.
Elliot also enlisted Alex Cabot's help. She and Olivia were close before Alex had been rushed into the Witness Protection program, and a solid friendship had been re-established now that she was back. Understanding how deep their feelings were for each other—and believing it was truly in Olivia's best interest—Alex had become a willing co-conspirator... All the while, knowing how pissed the very private Detective Benson would be if she ever found out. Together, out of mutual caring, Don and Alex had provided Elliot with a window to Olivia's life.
"When did you start therapy?" Olivia asked skeptically.
"From the time I left," he said, lowering his eyes. "I was in pretty bad shape, Olivia… It was the first time I ever admitted I couldn't handle something on my own." He paused before continuing, his voice unsteady. "God, I'd taken the life of a child, Liv…" He shook his head as though trying to erase the memory.
Olivia's heart ached for him. "Someone had to stop her, Elliot… She'd killed an innocent person—and there was a roomful of others still at risk. We'll never know how many lives you saved that day… But I'm sorry it had to be you."
He looked up, offering a sad smile. "Anyway, Huang was the devil I knew... Actually, he's been great—I owe him a lot," he told her, with the smallest hint of pride.
"You and Huang, huh," Olivia said wryly. "I never saw that coming." She shook her head, looking thoughtful for a moment before she met his eye. "I'm proud of you El," she said softly. "I know it couldn't have been easy."
He was caught off guard by the change in her demeanor. He smiled at her tentatively. "Thank you—it wasn't," he admitted.
Olivia sighed and walked out of the bedroom, heading toward the kitchen. She looked over her shoulder at Elliot. "You're not leaving anytime soon, are you Stabler," she griped. The shadow of a smile played around her eyes.
"Nope, I'm not. I've got no place I need to be, so this is your lucky night."
"Yeah, right, so why do I feel like I'm under house arrest," she muttered. "Do you want a beer?"
"I thought you'd never ask." Elliot once again made himself at home on her couch, while Olivia grabbed two beers from the fridge. She settled on the opposite end of the couch, passing one to Elliot.
He reached over and clinked his bottle against his former partner's. "Truce…?"
"Truce," Olivia conceded grudgingly, clinking her bottle against his.
They took a couple of deep pulls in almost-companionable silence that was doomed to be short-lived.
"Olivia, what happened tonight before you came home?" Elliot tried once more.
"Elliot, I really don't want to talk about this… Not tonight."
"It's just I've never seen you this upset, Liv… What happened?"
"You really are an ass, Stabler! I'm not going to talk about this with you," Olivia's voice rose indignantly.
"Were you just upset about the case?" Elliot continued, as if she hadn't spoken. "I'm sure you're getting all kinds of flak..."
"Elliot, stop!" She raised her hand as if that could keep him from haranguing her. Olivia's brow furrowed. "What you said earlier..." She looked up, comprehension lighting her eyes. "How did you know about David Haden? How could you possibly know? No one knew about us, Elliot!" She rose from the couch and paced around the small room like a caged feline.
"Are you sure about that, Liv?" he asked.
"How do you know about David, Elliot? Right now I don't give a rat's ass who else knows," she yelled, leaning down to look him in the face. "I just want to know how you could possibly know about him."
"I saw you with him," he admitted, his eyes dark and unreadable. "I recognized him."
"Where did you see us, Elliot?"
"On the street—in front of your apartment… And then you went inside," he said, looking at the floor to avoid her eyes.
Turmoil
"Are you stalking me, Stabler? What the hell!" Olivia shouted using all the self-control she could muster to keep from kicking the snot out of him.
"Calm down! No, Olivia, I'm not stalking you." His voice was weary as he rubbed his hand across his face, dragging it over his five o'clock shadow.
Olivia leaned down, forcing him to meet her eyes. "And what reason could you possibly have had for being in my neighborhood, Elliot?"
Elliot met her gaze full-on. "I live three blocks from here," he said innocently, a little smug at the surprise on her face.
She pulled away, pure astonishment on her pretty features. She moved her mouth to speak but stopped—seemingly at a loss for words.
Striding into the kitchen she drew a glass of water from the tap, trying to buy some time to absorb the information Elliot had just given her. Of all the excuses she'd expected him to give for being in her neighborhood, this one was not on the list. What the …?
She should just throw his ass out—if she really insisted, she knew he would leave. Why the hell was she letting him stay...? She had to admit he'd been a welcome diversion from the fresh pain of her break-up with David; he'd done an admirable job of distracting her and there'd been some comfort in not being alone tonight. But Elliot had done nothing but confuse and infuriate her since he'd forced his way through her door.
She glanced over to where he was sitting hunched over, arms resting on his knees, looking like he was preparing his strategy for their next go-round. She had to admit he looked good—a little too good for her comfort. He'd obviously been hitting the gym, judging from the way his T-shirt was hugging his sculpted chest and biceps. She flashed back to the handful of times she'd seen him without his shirt and felt her knees go weak. How could he have this effect on her? But of course—he always did. She just never allowed herself to acknowledge it, as though ignoring it made it less real.
Olivia couldn't believe she'd allowed herself to linger in his arms. She could count on one hand the times they'd shared a moment that intimate in their twelve years as partners—and each one had been preceded by a life or death situation. They'd been hyper-vigilant to not cross the unspoken boundaries of their partnership and Elliot's marriage. But now those boundaries had shifted.
When he'd held her tonight, in spite of how angry she was with him, she'd just wanted to stay there forever. There was something so familiar and comforting about breathing in his scent after all these months. She felt so safe in his arms. But there was still a delicious sense of adventure when she was near him… He made her feel alive. God, she'd missed him.
Sadly, that didn't change the fact that he'd been a bastard for not getting in touch with her after he left, cutting her so completely out of his life. There was nothing that could make up for all the tears she'd cried for this man... Nothing he could say to her could make it okay.
Pulling herself away from thoughts of Elliot and the past, she tried to refocus her attention on the present. She couldn't believe he'd seen her with David—so much for keeping the relationship under the radar. Olivia had believed Bayard was the only other person who knew about them. How many others had seen them around town? They'd been so careful. Not that it mattered anymore, she suddenly remembered—with a pain so intense it took her breath away.
"Hey Liv, you okay out there?" Elliot called to her.
"Yeah, I'm coming," she replied, forcing herself to breathe slowly and deeply.
Breakthrough
Olivia made her way back to the living room and sank onto the couch, tucking one leg beneath her, angling her body so she was facing Elliot. "Why are you really here tonight, Elliot? Please be honest with me."
He didn't respond immediately, but studied the pattern of the rug beneath his feet while he contemplated his answer. And then he straightened and turned toward her.
"I honestly came because of the Pena case, Olivia. I thought you could use some support from somebody who's been there. That was the only thing on my mind until I saw you..." Elliot paused and shifted until he mirrored Olivia's position on the couch. He leaned forward and peered intently into her eyes, his voice soft when he continued. "What happened tonight, Liv? Is this about Haden?"
Her face told him he was right, but he wasn't prepared for the devastation he saw there as her eyes pooled with tears. His body tensed—there was flint in his voice. "Did he hurt you?"
"No, Elliot, nothing like that," she quickly assured him as she reflexively reached to touch his arm—the way she always had when he was about to go off the deep end.
He visibly relaxed and took her hand in both of his, trapping it there.
She lowered her eyes, and her voice became small. "We ended the relationship," she whispered, so quietly he almost missed it. But he didn't miss the quiver of her lip, or the tears that still threatened. He reached up and tilted her chin, grazing the apple of her cheek with his thumb, catching a tear as it fell.
And then she was in his arms... He held her tenderly while she sobbed. He just let her cry, holding her close and rocking her gently, murmuring the little shushing sounds he made when he was comforting one of his children as he pressed his lips to her brow.
Elliot's emotions were a roller coaster. Holding her felt so right… She fit in his arms as though they existed for just that purpose, and she felt so damn good. But the fact that she was weeping for another man stole some of the thrill from the moment. Regardless of the circumstances, though, he was holding Olivia in his arms, with no 'partnership' to be concerned about and no marriage to feel guilty over, and he was going to savor every moment of it.
He could take some comfort in knowing the relationship between Olivia and Haden was over—unless of course it wasn't, and this had merely been a lover's spat that would soon blow over. But Elliot knew Olivia, and she didn't overreact to situations. For her to be this heartbroken, chances were it had really ended between them. It wasn't that he wanted Olivia to be hurting like this... He didn't. But he'd waited so long and worked so hard for an opportunity with this beautiful woman, this woman that he loved... And he would never have approached her when she was involved in a serious relationship with someone else.
Elliot had learned one thing well in the past ten months—the past thirteen years really: The path leading to Olivia Benson was not for the faint of heart.
Olivia stirred in Elliot's arms as she tried to pull herself together. She needed to gain control over her emotions. It wasn't that she never cried—God knew she'd shed enough tears in the past ten months to last a lifetime—but her tears were her own, to be shed behind closed doors and not to be shared with anyone. It occurred to Olivia that she had never, even as a child, been held while she wept. The realization overwhelmed her and the fact that it was Elliot who held her touched her deeply.
Still in his arms, Olivia rested her head on Elliot's chest while he traced lazy circles on her back. She wasn't sobbing any more but he could still feel an occasional tremor course through her body as he held her. She rearranged herself trying to get more comfortable, but made no move to leave his arms.
Elliot pressed a kiss to the top of her head and brushed her hair away from her face. "Wanna talk about it, Liv?"
"Mmn, mmn," she mumbled, shaking her head 'no' and snuggling in deeper. Elliot shifted his weight, trying to make them both more comfortable. He stretched his legs and pulled her closer.
"I wish I could stay here forever," she murmured sleepily, closing her eyes.
"You only have to say the word, Liv," he whispered. He waited for a response, but her head fell forward and he realized she was asleep.
When Elliot made the decision to come see Olivia, he'd been nervous. He wasn't at all sure what kind of reception she'd give him... It was possible she'd refuse to see him at all. In the scenarios that played in his mind, there were none that even came close to matching the events of this evening—and certainly none where he ended up holding Olivia Benson in his arms while she slept.
He rested his cheek against the top of her head and just breathed her in... He was pretty sure he could get drunk on her scent. His own eyes became heavy and soon he was nodding off, too.
"You're snoring, Stabler." He opened his eyes to find Olivia looking up at him sleepily. His right arm was asleep and he couldn't feel his legs, but every bit of the discomfort was worth it as he gazed into those chocolate brown eyes that currently held just a bit of mischief.
"Oh, sorry, I guess I fell asleep," he yawned. He tried to stretch and realized that until he could extricate himself from Olivia, it wasn't a possibility.
She slowly untangled herself from his arms and sat up. Elliot felt an acute sense of loss as soon as she moved away. "What time is it, Liv?" he asked, looking around the room for a clock.
She reached over him, grabbed the remote from the end table, and clicked on the TV. "11:25," she said, clicking it off again. "I don't know about you but I'm starving," Olivia announced. "I don't think I've eaten since breakfast." As if to prove her point her stomach growled loudly.
"I suggest we feed you."
"I'm gonna order take-out...You want some?" she asked as she reached for her cell phone on the coffee table.
"Depends on what you're ordering." Elliot tried to massage some feeling back into his legs.
"Chinese sound OK?"
"Yeah, old standbys are good," he agreed. "I'll have whatever you order."
Olivia hit speed dial, placed the order, and tossed the phone back on the coffee table.
Catch-up
Olivia stood and stretched. She grabbed the empty beer bottles and carried them into the kitchen while Elliot headed to the bathroom. She took plates down from the cupboard and picked out utensils and chopsticks from a drawer.
Elliot walked into the kitchen still drying his hands. "How can I help?"
"Pour me a glass of wine and get yourself a beer. Glasses are up there." She nodded toward a corner cabinet.
Olivia added napkins and headed back to the living room, where she placed everything on the coffee table, moving her cell phone and keys aside before setting the plates out.
The doorbell rang. "That was quick," she said, reaching for her purse.
"I've got it." Elliot was already at the door, his wallet in his hand.
He paid for the delivery and set the bags on the coffee table. They both unloaded cartons and filled their plates, the tantalizing aroma causing Olivia's stomach to growl again.
In spite of every indication she'd been starving, she barely touched her food. After a few bites Olivia pushed her nearly-full plate aside, picked up her glass of wine and leaned back into the cushions, tucking her legs under her.
Elliot finished his plate and pointed to Olivia's. "Go ahead, I'm done," she said. "So where's your new place?" She watched as he polished off her Dim Sung.
He finished chewing and wiped his mouth with his napkin. "Just around the corner from the bodega, on 110th Street… I moved in four months ago. It's not bad - I have three bedrooms so there's plenty of room for the kids."
"How are your kids, El?" Olivia asked, taking a sip of her wine and placing the glass on the table.
Elliot turned toward her, a proud smile on his face. "They're actually really great, in spite of the divorce." He shifted, resting his arm on the back of the couch. "We did the family counseling thing... If I hadn't been working with Huang and realized how much it had helped me I probably wouldn't have been as open to it," he admitted. "Dickie, er, Richard took it the hardest; I think it's because Kathy started seeing someone from work shortly after the divorce was final. The girl's seem okay with it—they're actually pretty happy for her… But Richard's still struggling."
"And how about Eli…? He must be getting so big," Olivia said with a fond smile.
"Oh yeah… He's in pre-school so he thinks he's one of the 'big kids' now," Elliot chuckled.
Olivia leaned closer to Elliot lightly touching his arm. "And how are you doing with Kathy's new boyfriend, El?"
Elliot lowered his eyes for a moment. "I'm not gonna lie—it was tough at first, even though I was the one pushing so hard for the divorce this time." Looking up at Olivia, he continued. "But my heart had already moved on, and I'm really happy for Kathy… She deserves someone who loves her. I'm okay, Liv," Elliot assured her, taking her hand in his and smiling into her eyes. "How 'bout you... You workin' tomorrow?"
Olivia freed her hand from Elliot's so she could pick up her wine. Leaning back against the cushions, she studied the glass she was holding. "No, Cragen wants me to take some time off."
"Because of the Pena case…?" Elliot asked, leaning closer.
"Yeah... I guess he's concerned about me. I've got the time, and God knows the case has been rough," she conceded.
"What's happening with it?" Elliot asked.
"It's over… Pena's been released with a full pardon and we got the real perp. So it's over."
"But not for you," he said softly. "I know you Olivia, you're gonna beat yourself up over this for a long time." Elliot leaned a little closer, taking her chin in his hand, gently turning her face toward his. "I can see it in your eyes... You know it wasn't your fault, Liv. You're a damn good cop and you were doing your job."
"Yeah, that's what everyone keeps telling me." She paused for a moment. "Tell that to Pena," Olivia said bitterly. "See if it makes the eight years I stole from him any more acceptable." She looked back down at her wine glass, her voice softer as she continued. "I was so damn sure I was right, and I broke him... He confessed because I pushed him too hard. I had faulty evidence, El, and I didn't know it," she said, looking up at Elliot. "I've always prided myself on not using the 'good ole boy' tactics, but I did the same thing they do! I..."
Elliot took the wine glass from her hand, placed it on the table, and turned her toward him. "You're not anything like that—you know you're not, Liv. You're a good cop."
Olivia searched his eyes, as though seeking something he was powerless to grant… She slowly looked away and continued speaking. "Bayard said the same thing, but it's really hard to not second guess yourself after something like this happens. You know that, El, you've been through it..."
"You're right, but it does get better, Liv... After a while you forgive yourself. You have to so you can move on and do the job."
They sat quietly for a few moments, the silence companionable.
Elliot spoke first. "So, Bayard, huh… Is that Bayard Ellis?"
"Yeah, I've gotten to know him, and…"
"And you're on a first name basis," Elliot smirked. "I must say I'm impressed." He looked over at her with amusement—and something else in his eyes Olivia couldn't identify.
"I was going to say," she continued, "before you turned into a child, that Bayard is a very impressive man. I've come to respect him a great deal. He's warmhearted, generous, kind—he cares deeply about what he does—not at all what I expected. He's been a good friend to me, Elliot."
"Sounds like you two hit it off… Did he give Haden a run for his money?"
"Elliot, what the hell…? Screw you! You've implied a couple of times tonight that my bedroom has a revolving door… You know that's not true." Olivia angrily moved away from him and settled into her corner of the couch.
Elliot shifted too, and sat looking at the floor. "I'm sorry, Liv. I know it's not. I guess I'm just jealous... I always have been when it comes to you."
"Jealous of what, Elliot?" she said, annoyance reflected in her voice.
He looked into her eyes. "Jealous that you're with them, and not me," he said softly.
TBC-
Thanks for reading!
