They were all back to the district along with Sean Keenan to interrogate him. When Jay was about to enter the interrogation room Voight stopped him.
"What do you think you are doing?!" he said walking toward him with Ruzek by his side.
"Going in to interrogate him I guess" He replied sarcastically.
"No you are not." Voight replied coldly.
"What?! Why?" he frowned perplexed.
"Because I am the boss and I decide what you do in my unit." He raised his palm so that Jay could give him the fills. Jay looked at him for a few seconds and shook his head before giving them to him. He by passed him and went back to the bullpen.
An hour later, Voight and Ruzek walked out from the interrogation room. Both of them were a little perturbed, especially Voight who was upset. He seemed very troubled by what he just heard. He walked rapidly in his office and closed the door behind him. He sat on his chair and brought his phone to his ear. Jay frowned in confusion first and looked at Ruzek.
"What's this all about?" he asked him.
Ruzek shook his head in a nonchalant way. "Nothing important. We should wait for Voight to… finish his call"
During the whole time in which Voight was in his office, Ruzek discreetly peeked at Jay. This latter caught him several times.
After what seemed like an eternity, Voight opened his door and looked at Jay. With his finger, he asked him to come inside. Jay dropped his pen and stood up, obeying to the order. He was very curious to learn what happened in this interrogation room. He closed the door behind him and stood in front of Voight's desk.
"Sit down…" this latter said with a low voice
"I prefer to stand up" Jay declared.
There was a long heavy silence where Voight seemed to search for his words.
"We've been interrogating Keenan about his business." He began.
Jay was waiting for the rest of the story, a little confused about why Voight was behaving like this.
"He's part of much bigger thing. Keenan is part of a gang, a big one with a lot of resources."
Jay nodded, waiting for more information.
"And it seems like… before being on our radar… this gang was on New York's PD… before they lost him…"
Jay's posture straightened. He already understood what was all this about.
"Who were you talking to earlier?" Jay asked, needing a confirmation of his suspicion.
Voight didn't respond at first. He just looked at Jay. This latter wasn't stupid, and Voight knew that Jay already knew the answer.
"She is taking the first flight for Chicago…"
Jay hold his breathe and froze. A million memories came back to his mind without him realizing it. Good, bad memories. All the love, the anger, the deception, the pain he felt for her. He quickly snapped back from his trans and went back to the reality. He looked at Voight and tried to speak but nothing was coming out from his mouth. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Does she has to come all along? Can't you just send them the reports and Kennan with it?!"
"When they lost Keenan they lost all the gang with it… if we caught Keenan here, then his partners aren't so far…" Voight replied. He watched Jay's face fade, he knew this was hard to hear for him. It's been so difficult these past three years, for Jay, for Voight.
"I can imagine how difficult it must be for you" Dr Charles spoke first after waiting for Jay to talk for almost 15 minutes.
Jay scoffed, watching his hands intertwined. "It's not difficult, it's simple." He looked up at Charles. "She's gone. And she is the better for it. She's out there. And I'm here." He sighed, looking in the emptiness. "Where everything is the same." He paused. "And yet while everything is the same, it's very very different." He smiled, leaving a brief silence. "Now I'm a ghost. That's not difficult, it's unbearable."
"I am sorry that you feel this way Jay."
Jay looked up and let out a little giggle. "it's fine… we just… we weren't on the same page"
"Did you forgive her? For leaving…"
"Why would I…" he frowned.
"because that's where healing starts. And just the fact that you are here should persuade you that you have another chance to get back up."
Jay just nodded and stayed silent.
"Can we talk about why you decided to put an end at your relationship before she left Chicago?"
Jay looked up. Dr. Charles was tackling a sensitive subject here… He sighed as he realized he was gonna be here a long time.
"She isn't coming alone Jay; she is bringing some of her co-workers along. Once the case is done she will leave back to New York"
Jay slightly nodded, still trying to process the news. "And I know that we both have different opinions concerning her departure and that you partly blame me for it…"
Jay didn't contradict him. "-but know that I am here for you whenever you need me…"
"I can handle it by my self. Thanks." He replied coldly before walking out of his office. He took his jacket and decided to go home since it was late. He dropped his keys on the coffee table, made his way to his kitchen and took a beer on his fridge. After one sip, he set the bottle down; his hands gripped the edge of the counter and closed his eyes. He opened them again and walked into his room. He looked on his right to his dresser and opened the last drawer. He took out a box, opened it and stared at contents. He held his breath for the second time this day. He looked at the engagement box laying in there. He hesitated first at taking it and then all of the sudden a wave of pain hit him. All he could think about was one moment Erin and he shared years ago over and over. That same insignificant moment repeated in his head. He couldn't tell you why.
"I usually sleep with a lot pillows." Erin paused for a moment. "And you know that I love to cuddle with you when we're going to bed but-"
"You're feeling on edge? He finished her sentence
"Yeah! A little bit"
"I…I don't wanna pull them out of the closet 'cause I don't wanna make you feel…"
"Walled off?"
"Yeah" She said after he finished her sentence again.
Erin." Jay said forcing her to look at him. "I'm gonna tell you what I would tell you a year from now, two years from now" she wasn't able to hide a surprised smile "twenty years from now." He continued and Erin titled her head "Do your thing babe". Erin smiled at her boyfriend. "You're amazing"
"Oh yeah"
He closed the box and put it back in the back of the drawer.
He didn't sleep of all night. He just kept staring at the ceiling, wondering how this was gonna work. Remembering what pain she caused him for 3 years. He was still trying to figure out what happened in her mind for her to leave without a goodbye, no phone calls, no text message, no letters.
He promised himself he would never suffer again for a woman and here he was, laying in his bed, knowing that the next day he would have to face her.
At 6 am he got up from his bed, took a large cup of coffee, took off his yesterday's outfit and got into the shower. He needed to be on top of his form to affront what he was about to face today. He got out, pulled a towel around his chest and made his way toward his mirror. He quickly swiped the mist and took a look at himself. In spite of all his efforts to look in good shape, he looked like a wreck. He had dark circle, his beard grew longer during his sleepless night and he could feel his body exhausted, also due to his case yesterday.
Once he was dressed and ready to go to work, he took his keys and closed the door behind him. He got into his car and drove the same itinerary for 3 years.
Since he realized he would be late to work due to the traffic he called Upton to let her know and the team. This latter nodded and informed him that they were just beginning.
Jay understood that the NYPD was already there. He hanged up the phone and his heart began to race without his permission. The angst was so crazy, so real and he knew he had to deal with it. So he made a choice. He'd let the emotion in, let it take over, let it do it's thing but only for five seconds. That's all he was gonna give it. So he started to count. 1,2,3,4…5. And it was gone. He let out a heavy sigh and refocused on the road.
Once he parked his car on the parking lot, Jay took a minute to himself, took a breath and got out from the car.
He walked up the first steps of the district and met with Platt, behind her desk, as always. She looked at Jay and gave him a small smile showing her compassion for him. He nodded and smiled walked up the next steps, trying to only focus on the case and nothing else. This was the only way he was gonna get through this day, and the next ones.
"These aren't just drugs selling. This gang is killing everyone who stands on their way. We are looking at eleven murders here" One man said. Jay couldn't recognize his voice so he figured out he was from NYPD.
"Okay! We need to re-interrogate him to see what we can get from him!" Olivia Benson said.
They were all standing in front of the board, looking at the information the Intelligence collected plus NYPD's.
"I'll do it." Jay said as he arrived on the top of the stairs. Everyone looked back at him and stopped talking. Some of them because they didn't quite know Jay and the others because they could feel the tension filling the room.
Erin hold her breath at the sigh of Jay Halstead standing a few meters away from her. She knew the minute she was on that plane for Chicago that this case was gonna be hard to work on. But she didn't realize that this was gonna make her froze, feeling the blood flowing in her veins. Her heart sank, she couldn't move, she couldn't think, and now that she managed to at least move all she could say was "Jay". It was more like a whisper that no one could hear.
Jay looked at Voight and this latter nodded compassionately.
"I'll go with you…" Upton said as she noticed the heavy silence and the tension in the room. She stood up from her chair and made her way with Jay to the interrogation room.
"Thanks" he whispered to her on their way.
"No problem." She briefly replied.
This interrogation hasn't been efficient. Keenan wasn't talking and his lawyer was a damn good one. While Halstead and Upton were in the room, Erin and Voight were behind the glass.
"I'm glad you came kid…" Voight broke the silence, still looking at his detectives inside the room.
Erin looked up at him and let appear a small smile. "Me too" she said before refocusing on the interrogation. Well, she was more looking at Jay the whole time.
"How-" she began to say trying to search her words. "How's he been?"
Voight looked at Jay, knowing exactly who she was talking about.
"How do you thinks he's been doing…" he responded.
She was about to reply but Olivia interrupted the conversation. "Hank can I borrow you for a minute?"
Voight nodded and walked away with Olivia. Erin turned back her attention to the room.
A few minutes after the interrogation was done. Jay walked out first and pretty quickly. Erin exit from the other room, trying to follow Jay to talk to him but Upton stopped her. "Don't, please" She said.
"Sorry?" Erin asked her.
"Come on, look you can't do this, you don't have the right, not anymore" she tried to explain to her.
"I just want to find out if he's ok." Erin protested.
"He is not." Upton declared. "He is a human traffic accident and everybody's slowing down, looking at the wreckage…" she looked at Erin with soulful eyes. "He's doing the best he can with what he has left." She paused. "I know you can't see it because you are in it but you can't help him now. You'll only make it worse…". Erin looked down and nodded.
"Just let him do his job and then you two can have a conversation at the end of the day…"
The rest of day passed so slowly for Jay. He's been avoiding Erin the whole day, didn't even looked at her once. She too tried to keep herself busy, respecting her promise to Hayley.
There was no one left in the bullpen when the clock rang 9 pm. Jay just got out from the locker room to put some cold water on his face. He had a lot of paperwork to finish and even with the little hours of sleep he had this week he wasn't that tired.
Erin came back to the bullpen after talking with Platt in the precinct and realized that she wasn't the only one left in here. She slowly made her way toward Jay's desk. Jay looked up and caught her coming at him. He quickly looked back at his computer, determined to ignore her.
"Can we talk?" she asked. But Jay didn't respond and a heavy silent filled the room.
And she wasn't down with that.
"You could at least knowledge that I exist" she said. His face didn't move an inch. He just kept looking at his computer. "I think it's easier all round if we just have nothing to do with each other." He replied coldly.
"So what? You just gonna ignore me now? Avoid me at work?" she crossed her arms.
"I'm sorry, do you care now?!" he frowned, finally looking at her in the eyes for the first time. She didn't reply, taken aback.
"Yeah that's what I though" he got up and walked to the break room to pour himself some coffee.
Erin stood in shock, in the center of the bullpen before regaining her posture and following him. She closed the door behind her and turned back to him.
"I am so not doing this today." He scoffed.
"Jay." He winced at the sound of his name coming from her mouth.
"I will answer whatever questions you want" she declared.
"Did you ever love me?" he turned around quickly as if it's been 3 years he's been asking himself this question. Once again she was shocked.
"How- How could you even ask that" she frowned.
They hanged in there looking at each other.
"I never meant to cause you that pain" she looked at him with sad eyes. She seemed so devastated.
"Of course you didn't" he laughed coldly. "You know what?" he began to say as he shook his head. "You and I… I can't do this right now. I'm sorry." He walked toward the door to leave but she put herself on his way.
"Jay" she tried to make him look at her but he couldn't. It was beyond his strength. Instead he was looking behind her, at the door. She had bloodshot eyes. "We have to talk about this please".
"Talk about what huh?" he yelled at her. "How many more ways are there gonna be for you to rip my heart out!". It was all he said before bypassing her, opening the door and leaving her alone in the break room. She held the tears that were trying to run out, took a deep breath and walked back to the bullpen.
"I'm sorry…"
"Oh now you are sorry?" he continued to yell at her.
"Yes I am!" she yelled back.
"Okay! What are you sorry about?" he crossed his arms. "That you left without saying goodbye or that you didn't even called once to make sure I was okay or to even tell me you were even alive?"
"You knew I would be fine…" she said.
Jay nodded and scoffed. "Well at least one of us was!" he sat back at his desk.
"This is why I am trying to talk with you! So whatever you have to say just say it now so we can solve this!"
"I needed you to stay!" he yelled again, expressing everything he's been holding for years. She looked at him, overwhelmed by all the emotions coming out from both of them.
"And I needed to go!" she added desolated.
"And you went!" he was completely resentful. "you did what you needed to do. And then when all of this will be done you are just gonna go back to NY, where you belong! So there is nothing else to discuss Erin!" he stood up, took his vest on the back of his chair and walked away.
Jay was sitting on his couch, his head laying on the couch back, looking at the TV. He wasn't paying any attention to it though. All he could think about was Erin and their argument. Suddenly, a loud knock rang at the door. He closed his eyes and scoffed. There was only one person on this entire world to knock at his door at this hour, Erin.
At the beginning of their relationship, 6 years ago, when they would have had an argument, she always came to pursue the argument, wanting to clear everything and make peace. And usually, they would end up in bed. But this time, Jay knew it wouldn't be that easy to fix what has been broken between the two of them.
The knocks kept ringing, louder and louder. So for the sake of his head, he stood up and made his way to the door. "Go home Erin." He said. But Erin kept knocking.
He sighed and opened the door. Erin stormed in his apartment and turned around to face him.
"How did you find out where I was living anyway?" he asked annoyed.
"Voight!" she said in a rush.
Jay closed the door and joined her in the middle of the living room. He looked at her with questioning eyes, wondering what the hell she was doing here at this late hour.
"You can't be angry at me for leaving Jay. YOU abandoned me when I needed you. You bailed on me Jay."
"Excuse me?" he raised his voice,
"Yes!" she yelled at him. "I looked you in the eyes Jay and I begged you to stay and you turned your back on me like it was nothing"
"This is bullshit and you know it! this is not how it went!" he yelled back.
"The whole thing is bullshit Jay!" she yelled harder with a breaking voice. Jay looked at her with tormented eyes. They hanged there, in silence. Jay couldn't look at her. It was too painful for him. It was making him sick just to look at her.
"We can never be what we were you know? I can't forgive you." He said avoiding eyes contact. Erin let out a tear and quickly swiped it.
"I know. I'm sorry! But I want to fix this." She moved her hand back and forth between the two of them. She just wanted to be easier for them to work together and get along with each other.
"I know; I know you want. But you can't. Like I said, it would be easier if we just have nothing to do with each other." He looked down.
Erin took a deep breath while looking at him. "Right…" she whispered. She stayed in front of him for a few seconds to regain herself and then walked away.
At the sound of the closing door, Jay closed his eyes and exhaled deeply.
