See Chapter 1 for warnings, still not a nice happy fiction.
Also prosen8966 is right, Finn can't out dance Dave, but DAVE believes Finn can. Our hero isn't in the right mind space to see the truth staring him in the face, he's better and worth more than he thinks he is. There'll be more of those as we go along, moments when Dave will think something (it's his POV), and you'll (hopefully) be "That's not right, no Dave you got it wrong…" but this AU Dave's in a bad place and it's going to get a hell of a lot worse before it could potentially get better…
I own nothing, literally, especially not the song that's about to be sung.
Italics are Dave singing.
Battered Knight In A Letterman Jacket
02
This is one of the few times I can cut lose, when no one else is here, in the comforting quiet of the auditorium I can let it all out, I don't have to worry about anyone laughing at me, mocking me, telling me I can't sing when I know I can't, telling me how useless I am when I already know I am.
Here, for a little while, I can forget all that.
This is why the Glee kids put up with all the crap that they do, for this moment, when the music is playing and you can sing and it happens, that magic, it moves through you, changes you, and reality goes away for the length of a song. I secretly loved the Thriller mash up last year, it felt so good when we did it.
But this isn't then, this isn't that song, here it's just me and the words that sum up my life so well, and I ache and hurt, so weary of this life now.
This song's tricky I have to start singing before the music begins, the strumming of guitars in the background with a fiddle, very country, but so fucking beautiful.
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
I know when I die no ones coming to my funeral, so no words of a love song for me.
Uh oh, uh oh
And I'm gonna change the words, 'coz screw it if I'm singing about my mom, she hates me, this one's for dad.
Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my father
He'll know I'm safe with you when he stands under my colours, oh well
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but he buries his baby
Love you dad.
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time
Too much time, and it's time for me to go, soon, so soon.
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time
And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger,
I've never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holdin' my hand,
Kurt…
There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well,
I've had just enough time
Something wet splashes on my face as I, naturally, think of Kurt, god I'm really gonna die a virgin, and it was nice when Kurt held my hand, his hand looks so delicate, its soft to the touch, all those creams he uses, but he's so strong, I could love him forever.
Rubbing my face I realise I'm crying, again, god so fucking weak.
So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done
A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'
They won't listen to me my thoughts are all worthless.
More tears and I fight them off but it's already bled into my voice, it's a good thing no ones here to watch me slaughter this song.
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Uh oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (oh, uh)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save 'em for a time when you're really gonna need 'em, oh
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time
Keep your tears, I'm not worth it, no one will notice when I'm gone. Keep them for someone special.
So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
And then the song fades.
Sighing softly I let the silence fill up the auditorium and I have to rub my eyes again.
Snatching up my ipod I wander aimlessly around trying to find something to do, but the place is tidy, reluctantly I turn out the lights and leave making sure I lock up after me.
Strolling slowly through the empty school I'm not scared it's haunted like some of the younger kids, no I imagine myself ghosting through the school, always alone, unwanted, over looked.
Driving home, it's not hard to obey the speed limits, I'm in no hurry at all.
Humming the song I was just singing I sit in my truck too afraid to go inside, but too tired to fight it anymore. Sighing I get out and lock the truck door.
Opening the front door I go to creep up the stairs.
"David!" It's mom.
"Yes ma'am," I drop my gaze to the floor.
"Are you still gay?" Her voice's sharp and I don't know how to tell her that I was born this way.
"Yes ma'am, sorry ma'am," I keep my voice humble.
Her disappointed sigh cuts through me, "Are you even trying?"
"Yes ma'am," no, "I'm reading all the pamphlets you and the pastor kindly got me," and they are a load of fucking made up shit, I'd laugh at them if it wasn't so serious.
"Good, just keep trying, please David, I don't want to lose my son, but you have to give up this lifestyle you've picked, I know you think you don't have a choice but you do, you do, please come back to me, please bring me back my baby boy," as emotional blackmail goes its brilliant and nod miserably waiting for her to just leave me alone.
Footsteps signal she's gone and I breathe out.
"David?" A softer voice, it's dad.
"Yes sir?"
He flinches, "David please, she's not here," he begs me.
"Dad," and he smiles.
"It came for you today," he holds out a box with a new cell phone for me, "I've set up the contract, it's coming out of my bank account, she won't know about it, just be careful, don't give lots of people your number. I've already charged it up for you," I take the small box from him.
"Thanks dad," oh god I think I'm going to cry again.
"I'll heat your dinner up son," he offers.
"Thanks."
Walking into the kitchen he pushes buttons on the microwave, and I gather up cutlery and grab myself a can of soda. When it beeps I take my dinner and escape up the stairs to my exiled area of the house, my bedroom.
I'm not allowed in the rest of the house, just the bathroom when I really need it, and the kitchen for meal times, the rest of the time I have to stay in here so I won't pollute the place with my unholy ways.
Sitting on my bed I mechanically eat my dinner, I'm not really hungry but I eat it anyway, I'm already fat, it's not like it matters if I put more weight on, and Kurt keeps nagging me about tidying up my diet so I've been eating more home cooked dinners with veg and shit to make him happy.
Sneaking the plate down I load it into the dishwasher and then I make it back to my room without meeting anyone. Closing the door I sit back down on the bed and open the box. I'm expecting just a basic cell phone, but it's not.
It's better than my current phone, the one people are sending hate to. I put a few numbers in my new phone, Kurt's cell and home, dad's cell.
That's it.
Trying it out I send a message to Kurt to let him know I've lost my old phone and I'm using this one for now. And I send one to dad so he'll have this number too, just in case, I'm not sure why he'd want to contact me, but it feels right.
It feels even more right to rip the battery and sim card out of my old cell, no more hate from that, no more crank calls, no more fear from hearing it ringing or beeping at me.
Eyeing up my laptop I switch it on and then log on to my various accounts, and finally it's happened, my accounts are being shut down, deleted, erased, gone. No more facebook, no more twitter, and all the rest. One less way for them to tell me to drop dead, I don't understand why they keep at it, don't they realise I'm a dead man walking? That I just have the mess with Kurt and Blaine to clear up and I'm going?
It's been made pretty clear I'm not wanted, that I'll never be wanted, that I should just get out of the way for someone better.
And it feels good, like part of me's already gone, the first step, I glance up at my closet, soon, so soon now, please god, just make Blaine see him, really see him, please.
Going through the motions of living I get my homework out, and I can't help the small smirk, it's the only good thing about school, I get to answer the questions in class, I don't have to hide that I'm a nerd, well not really a nerd, I'm not good enough for that, but I don't have to pretend to be stupid either.
Okay so I really am stupid but I can be book smart, and the looks on the teacher's face, on everyone's faces when I first put my hand up in class and got the answer right.
It just proves no one knows me that they never bothered to know me, because I'm not worth knowing.
My phone beeps and I tense before I remember it's the new one and I grab my phone frowning, who the hell is messaging me?
It's Kurt, he's glad I let him know my new number and he wants to know why I'm not on facebook anymore. I tell him it's temporary, that the messages on my wall were getting bad, that it'll all be fine soon. He agrees, and I know he knows what I'm going to do, that he understands, that he knows I tried to be something but it turned out I'm nothing, and that soon I'll be gone.
I'm scared, scared it'll hurt, I kinda want to ask him to help me, but I can't burden him with it, he's done so much, he shouldn't have to help me sort my shit out too. I should be able to do this one thing on my own, then they can sweep it under the carpet, well sort of, that example doesn't work, fuck it I can't even get that right, anyway they're all gonna be glad when I'm gone, they can just get on with their lives.
The phone buzzes in my hand, it's Kurt again, he's angry that 'they' keep hassling me, Jesus he's too good for this world, even if he is a bitch sometimes. He really believes in people, wants to best for them, and he can forgive people too, people like me, I tell him he's too nice, that it's not a problem, they can't spew hate at me if I don't have an account. He tells me it's not okay but he's getting too angry to talk about it, he's going to play in his wardrobe and wear something pretty tomorrow.
Of course that's when I fuck up and tell him he always looks pretty.
He doesn't message me back.
I have to keep reminding myself we're faking, it's not real, I can't tell him the truth like that, I have to give him space.
Finishing my homework I get ready for bed and stare up at the planes suspended from my ceiling, dad helped me make them so very long ago, and they gave me the idea, I wanted to go just like them.
The beam creaks at me and I turn over muttering, "Soon," at it, it's been really patient, I think it'll wait for me and finally I fall asleep to be chased through the school, everyone's screaming at me and in the gym they've put a noose up for me. I climb the steps one by one, and put my head in the noose, I'm just about to kick the chair away when my fucking alarm wakes me up.
"No," I whimper and cling to my pillow, I don't want to get up, I don't want to face my mom, I don't want to go to school, I don't want to do any of it ever again, I just want it all to stop, just stop, please, god please.
A/N: Sorry for any and all mistakes, I've tried to catch those I could, but I'm only human.
Song is by "The Band Perry", "If I die young" any normal version(?), I blame this song and "Cough Syrup" for this fiction, must not listen to them and write, I go very angsty in my writing.
Oh god this is depressing to write. And I'd like to point out that Kurt would never encourage Dave to kill himself, so one more example of Dave not being able to see the world properly.
And that's it for now, fiction is on hold, I have others I'm working on, thanks for reading, I appreciate it, will update sporadically when I get around to it if anyone's interested in it, and I've had a few reviews and alerts so yay.
