Thank-you all for the wonderful reviews! You've all been so kind! I know I'm updating this before Auxilium, but I had wanted to finish this before the New Year commences. Auxilium's fourth chapter will probably be up in January. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season, and a very happy Christmas/Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus, whatever you may celebrate! Next chapter this story will be changing from a 'T' rating to a 'M' rating, just a heads up.
Disclaimer is located on the first chapter.
"So what, somebody left you in a rut
and wants to be the one that's in control?
But the feeling that you're under can really make you wonder,
how the hell she can be so cold."
The Denial Twist, The White Stripes.
Juvia Lockser was absolutely wretched at expressing her emotions.
Some might say that she was just as torrid and evocative as the rainstorms her body mirrored. It was unfortunate though, because to Juvia this was everything that she disliked about herself. In her mind, Juvia Lockser saw all of this…all she represented…as a heavy, rain-sodden burden.
However, Juvia also knew that deep down inside, she had really good, beautiful qualities. She was caring, loyal, sweet – maybe she'd even go as far as to say she was very easygoing (when she wanted to be) – a vast difference from the person she had been all of those years prior to Tenrou island. Juvia knew she had changed, really, for the better. She woke up smiling, and went to sleep peacefully at night, no longer waking up in the early morning hours to phantom screams and horrible, awful terrors.
The only problems she seemed to encounter, however, arose when she was in the immediate vicinity of one Gray Fullbuster.
Juvia became so impassioned by his very presence, so enveloped in his mere being, that she could do anything but calm herself. The heat would pool in her cheeks, and suddenly it would all come flashing back to her in an unraveled reel of film – him saving her, grasping her body, pulling her close to his chest, his warmth, the sunshine catching the raindrops in his hair, the heat…
However, she had thankfully trained herself as of late to settle down…well, sort of. She was working on it, really.
Every time the little voice would coo in her ear, every time she would actually catch him painting her over with his eyes, Juvia would squash the want…no, the need she had, to burrow herself against him. She had done such a good job of really trying to compress her overpowering adoration…hadn't she? Her and Gray had…they had been really getting along! Truly getting along! Nobody could tell her any different, especially not as he had begun to walk her home each night. His sweaty palms would brush against hers as if he had wanted to lace their fingers together, and Juvia was in absolute euphoria every single time. The water mage was perfectly fine with the gesture, despite the burst of adrenaline and roaring anticipation that sparked in her veins, but Gray, much to her chagrin, would immediately retract his hand after the contact. It was different than their unison raids, this contact – different from a battle.
What had she done wrong, though?! Was she really that repulsive, that heinous, that even as Gray noticed himself letting her break past his barriers, he still didn't want anything to do with her?!
They were friends now! Juvia could say that with the utmost confidence…they went on missions! Not just any average ones – but real, dangerous missions! Missions that were vastly different from the ones she took with Gajeel, or the ones that he took with their guild mates. Missions where they shared a tent, missions where they had seen parts of each other one could only see during those times, missions where she had saved him and vice versa. For so long she had felt the seeds of jealousy spring in the pit of her stomach as she watched Gray and team Natsu leave together so many times, until finally he had approached her with a job request one day. That was when Juvia knew. She knew deep down he thought of her as a valuable ally, something more than just a girl that would cling to his arm.
So, why oh why did he just loathe everything about her?!
"Are you seriously still beating yourself up over that damn ice pick?" Gajeel grunted out in exasperation.
They had been traveling on foot back to Magnolia for several hours now, stopping only for bathroom breaks, and once for food. The mission had been simple enough – escort some pricey trinkets to a museum in Hargeon, rub shoulders with elite collectors and mages – basic stuff. While the journey itself was so simple, so average, and oh so short, it wasn't until the museum curator unpacked the boxes revealing several vases made from solid, thick jade stone, that the two realized why the curator had been so adamant about the mage's class specifications.
"Makes sense," Gajeel had murmured low enough only for Juvia to hear as they watched the curator study the pieces, "these look like some pricey decorations."
Juvia nodded to appease her friend, despite still feeling absolutely rotten inside. She had stalled her tears when they reached Hargeon, but was still guilty of the occasional sniffle and stray tear.
Apparently, the vases were worth much more than the duo could even fathom – the curator went on to offer them a place to stay at his personal residence for the night, as well as tickets to the museum's upcoming spring Gala, where the vases would be set on display.
"It's the least I could do for such an attractive couple!" He clapped them both heartily on their shoulders (to which Gajeel very obviously disliked) despite the fact that he was even shorter than the five-foot-five Juvia.
"Juvia and Gajeel-kun are not, er, 'together'," Juvia offered to the curator, "but both thank-you graciously for the kind offer! We'll be sure to come back, won't we Gajeel-kun?"
"Yeah, whatever," Gajeel groaned, stretching out his arms over his head, offering a 'thanks' as the curator placed their payment in Juvia's open palm.
Clearly, he had been well over this mission the second that they had set foot in the museum's private carriage at the very beginning, and Juvia didn't blame him – they had originally assumed they would be, if anything, walking alongside the carriage, and unlike the rest of his body, Gajeel's stomach was not iron made.
Looking back on it, Juvia had wished that they had opted to take a train back to Magnolia – all she wanted to do was just go back to her apartment as quickly as possible and burrow underneath her bed covers until everything felt better again. She was horrified at the prospect of seeing Gray, but at least that was the silver lining to the strict rules of Fairy Hills – no boys allowed. The night they stayed at the curator's mansion had been lavish, but Juvia had barely slept a minute, and was up at the crack of dawn, begging Gajeel to leave.
Rejecting the Curator's offer to take his carriage, Gajeel insisted this time around that they walk, citing that it was too flashy for him. She had offered taking the train, but Gajeel grumbled that he wanted to save their funds for more important things than public transportation. Juvia knew it was because of his motion sickness, but she just went along with it. Not to mention, the water mage had finally stopped moping around like a wet, stray kitten, leaving clear skies and mild sunlight, despite the bite of winter edging its way in.
Juvia didn't mind the cold, though. It was when the small tufts of snow began to fall that her disposition began to darken once more.
"Gajeel-kun," she murmured, "is Juvia a burden?"
She knew she was being difficult – she had probably been the biggest inconvenience towards her poor friend for the entirety of this mission, and while self-deprecation wasn't Juvia's style these days, she just felt anything but confident in herself since they had left.
"You are anything but a burden, kid," Gajeel sighed, stalling in his steps several paces ahead of her, "I've told you every single hour, on the hour, since we left the damn guild yesterday,"
Juvia stopped beside him, looking up at the snow as it swam through the sweet afternoon air.
"That egotistical piece of shit doesn't understand what he's missing out on – obviously he's not enough of a man to admit he has feelings for you, that ain't your fault in the slightest. He knows how you feel and he fuckin' pussed out. Now," Gajeel turned back to face the path ahead of them, "c'mon, we're only a few hours outside of town."
Juvia nodded, sniffling and following behind her friend, Magnolia's skyline looming in the distance.
.
"What do you think's up there?" Gray nodded his head towards the wide expanse of the night sky resting above them. They had just gotten back from a quick job request and had been drinking at the guild before Juvia decided she was ready to head home – she was to leave with Gajeel the following morning for Hargeon, anyway. Gray, being the gentleman he was ('I guess I'm ready to go as well.'), offered to walk her back to her apartment at Fairy Hills ('It's on my way.'). However, as they neared the complex, Gray had stopped and sat in the grass, motioning for Juvia to follow in suit. Despite his aversion to the cold, Gray had still left his pants and shirt on in the chill of the night, only shrugging off his jacket (which Juvia happily picked up as it was discarded).
"Up…in the sky?" Juvia looked up, mesmerized by the twinkling lights. There wasn't a single wisp of a cloud, an entire galaxy laid bare.
"Yeah, like," Gray took a sip from the bottle of ale he had brought with him on the walk, "obviously there are stars, that's a given. Comets, meteors…but…what about beyond that?"
Her initial reaction was to ask him if he was feeling okay. While it was clear he had been drinking since they returned, the mission itself had been rather stressful and if she weren't in the company of Gray (as well as wishing to prolong it), Juvia would have snuck off to her bed some hours ago – Gajeel had insisted they leave as early as humanly possible for their job tomorrow as well, and Juvia knew how her friend hated to be kept waiting. Things hadn't gone as smoothly as they would have liked, and Juvia noticed that Gray had been a little…off since they had returned, certainly not his usual self in the slightest.
"J-Juvia hasn't really…considered that," she crossed her legs tightly and glanced over at Gray's profile, "why? What does Gray-sama think is up there?"
Gray paused, the lip of the bottle barely a whisper from his own, before he took another hearty gulp, finishing off the contents.
"What do you think happens when we die?"
Oh.
"A-ah…" Juvia laid her hands in her lap, smoothing down the skirt of her dress, "Juvia...likes to think that we never really die, but…" she gazed back up at the sky. There had been a new moon several nights ago, and now a sliver of curved lunar light had begun to appear from its shadows.
"But?" Gray prompted her, eyes fixed on the sky as well.
"But, maybe when we die…Juvia thinks, that is, it's a nice thought that…we get to see everyone whom we've loved again." At least she hoped so – she really hoped so. "Maybe…there's lots of happiness. Lots of forgiveness."
Gray didn't respond this time, and Juvia felt her cheeks flood with white-hot embarrassment as the silence between the two expanded. In her mind those words had genuinely summed up how she really felt, but once she had said them she wished she could take them back.
'How childish Juvia is!' She scolded herself. Too optimistic, too naïve, she could just bang her head against the heel of her palm over and over. Her fingers twitched in her lap, and Juvia found herself having to dig her nails into fists in order to control them.
"Sorry Gray-sama, Juvia sounds so silly, please don't mind her, tell Juv – " she turned to look at the male beside her and almost fainted. Gray's body was positioned towards her and he had leaned in ever so closely, but that wasn't what caught Juvia off guard.
It was how he was looking at her, even in the darkness.
Gray's eyes latched onto hers, and Juvia held his gaze. Oh gods, Gray Fullbuster was truly a work of art. Thick, dark, wind-beaten hair, the quirk of a scar on his forehead, and the perfect symmetrical slope of his cheekbones and jaw…her voice was lost to her and she almost choked as he seemed to inch ever so closer, until she swore she smelled the ale on his breath.
"G-Gray-sama?" her voice was barely above a whisper but that was all it took to break Gray out of his reverie. Eyes wide and blinking, his face flushed a deep, shocking red, and the mage pulled away and jumped to his feet, knocking the empty bottle over in the process.
"You should get to bed – you've got to be up early tomorrow. I'll walk you to the door, okay?"
Nodding, Juvia climbed to her feet, being sure to pick up the jacket Gray had discarded. They walked up to the front door, Juvia still feeling sillier than ever, clutching the jacket to her bosom in her hand as she fished for her apartment keys with the other.
"Thank-you for walking Juvia back, Gray-sama," she handed him back his jacket once she had found her keys.
Gray accepted the jacket back hesitantly, watching as Juvia opened the door and began to walk inside the brightly lit building. She had refused to look him in the eye.
"Juvia – !"
Warm light bathed them both in a gentle glow.
"Yes, Gray-sama?" she clutched the doorway, turning to face him this time.
Gray licked his drying lips, and found now he was the one who couldn't look her in the eye.
"It wasn't silly. What you said," he clarified, cheeks heating up once more, "I like that thought as well."
Juvia's face broke out into a large smile.
"R-really?!"
Gray nodded, eyes flashing back to look at her before breaking away. He shuffled his feet, wiped his nose with the back of his forearm. They stood just like that, Juvia smiling, a halo of light encompassing her as Gray felt himself fill with a little bit more warmth than what he had become accustomed to.
"Will…Juvia see Gray-sama before she leaves with Gajeel-kun tomorrow?"
Gray nodded again, his own lips quirking as the girl in front of him smiled even wider if possible.
"Goodnight, Gray-sama."
"Goodnight, Juvia."
She shut the heavy wooden door between them with one last look. The light was now gone, but the warmth remained. Gray stood there for several more minutes until his legs found use again. Shrugging on his jacket, he began his own journey home.
Notes:
Thank-you all for reading! Please be sure to review and tell me what you think so far of the direction this is heading, I always love to hear your thoughts! They tend to inspire me greater than my own ideas. xx
