Blood. There was blood everywhere, thick and pooling under piles and piles of human bodies. Bodies that have been crushed and mutilated, some by my own feet. I tried not to look at their faces, but it was a wasted effort. I saw how their expressions changed from total fear to resignation, and as the life was snuffed out of their eyes. Why did they have to run my way? Why were they stupid enough to get killed? It wasn't my fault. I didn't mean to kill them. God, why was there so much blood? Why—

"Reiner."

I open my eyes and feel hands gently shaking my body awake. The blood was gone and I'm in some sort of cabin. That's right. I'm a recruit now, training to be a soldier to kill titans. Not people. At least that's what I keep repeating in my head to calm my beating heart. Bertholdt's face was hovering above mine with a worried expression and I struggle to focus as I blink tears from my eyes. Tears? Why was I crying?

"You were mumbling again...are you okay?" Bertholdt whispered, keeping his voice down so as not to wake the others in the room. I wipe my eyes dry and turn on the bed to avoid facing him. It's been weeks since we started training and I've lost count of how many times I woke him up because of my nightmares.

"I'm fine. Go back to sleep." Having been used to this sort of thing by now, I feel Bertholdt shuffle beside me as he settles back in his bed. Soon I hear his breathing calm and I know he's asleep again. I turn back around and face the ceiling once more, trying to push the nightmare out of my mind. I don't know how long I stayed like that, or whether I even fell asleep again or not, but soon the morning bells are ringing and it's time to get up. I couldn't have been more eager to leave the bed than I was, but training all day always clears my mind. It takes me away from the horrible memories and the nightmares, and anything that did that was a welcome relief.

We spend meal times with Eren, Armin, and Mikasa these days, and I find myself enjoying their company as the weeks went by. We even sat together in class, just like this morning after breakfast, when half of the day's training was done in a classroom session. Some would say I even considered them as friends, even though I didn't like to admit it. Bertholdt on the other hand was more open, and as we eat our lunch now I stare in wonder how he seems so natural around these people. Sometimes I want to ask him how he does it, how he blends in and pretends that he didn't just cause the genocide of an entire population. But that would lead the conversation to my side and he'll ask what's really bothering me every night, and that's something I never want to talk about. Even with him.

"I wonder what we're going to do for today's physical training," Armin said idly while cutting a chunk from his potato.

"Some military exercise again, I bet." Eren pouted beside him, sounding a bit annoyed. "I wish they'd just teach us how to use the ODM gears already. All these military drills aren't going to help us kill titans."

"Sure it is. You just gotta change the way you think about it," I say with a smirk and raising my eyebrows at the green-eyed boy. "You can't hope to fly around until you learn how to walk first. Right?"

Armin gave me a small smile at that and turned to Eren, "He's right you know."

"Yeah, yeah." Eren huffed and took a bite from his food, and Armin just chuckled beside him. Just then I hear his voice again, loud and excited as always from a few tables to our left. I should say I wasn't listening, but what's the point. I've been eavesdropping on their table's conversation the moment they all sat down together, looks like someone was dreading the upcoming oral exam.

"Really?! Thanks Marco, that'd be great!" Connie said excitedly as he stood up, and I try my best not scowl. I've been avoiding him since that day after the aptitude test for reasons I don't even want to think about, but here I am being pathetic. Eavesdropping and stealing glances whenever he's not looking from a distance and silently wishing for Marco's death. So what if I find him a little attractive, with his cute and innocent blushing face and shaven head. He was way too short for me anyway, and I don't want to get involved if Marco is the real target of his afflictions. They can fuck themselves senseless for all I care.

"Uhh, Reiner?"

"What?!" Armin literally jumped when I turned to him, a little harsher than I intended.

"Y-your spoon is...umm…"

I look at what he's pointing at and see a crumpled piece of metal in my right hand—my spoon, bent and misshapen. I frown and try to bend it back into shape while they all watch me with awkward faces, waiting for an explanation.

"There. Good as new." It wasn't. It looked more like an overused horseshoe at best. I give them a smile and they just laugh for the rest of our meal.


Today's physical training was a supply run. We were grouped into squads of four and were given pseudo-supply packs, and the goal was to reach the designated end point through the forest with your team. We were graded on this activity and that depended on who gets to the finish line first.

"Reiner, hold on a sec!" One of my teammates call out from behind and I turn, only to see all of them leaning against the trees. This was the third time since we left the starting line. We haven't even gone a full kilometer yet and they were already out of breath!

"We can't keep taking breaks, the other teams will beat us if we keep stopping every five steps." I scowl at the girl who called out to me. I didn't even bother remembering her name. These idiots are so weak, they're going to get all of us behind.

"These packs weigh a ton, we can't run full speed with them on. Can we just take an easy pace?" The other guy on my team said, taking the side of his weak friend. I should just go ahead and leave them, they aren't worth the trouble and they're only holding me back. This early on at training, it's pretty damn obvious who's gonna die first once a titan appears.

My head throbs and suddenly, all I can see is red. I look over to my team and see their bloody, lifeless bodies scattered on the forest floor. An arm, a leg, and a headless torso. What the hell? I look down on the ground where blood is currently dripping on my feet, and see that it's coming from my hands. It takes me a moment to realize that the blood isn't mine and my heart races. What did I do? Did I kill them? Did I—

"Reiner?"

My vision changes, and I stand once again in front of my team as they all look at me, concern painting their faces.

"Are you okay man? You looked a little pale just now."

I have to remember how to talk as I clear my throat, taking deep breaths before I address them. "Yeah, I'm fine. must be the heat." I wipe my forehead with my sleeve and push the bloody visions away to calm myself down. It felt so real. The wet dripping blood, the smell, everything. Except...it wasn't real. I'm a soldier now. I'm at the forest near our camp and we're doing our training. It wasn't real, pull yourself together.

"Maybe you should sit down first. We can always—"

I cut him off by grabbing the backpack he placed down at his feet, placing them over my shoulder as I went ahead and grabbed the other two as well. "I'll carry our packs. This way we won't get slowed down, just run through the woods and leave the lifting to me."

"W-what?! Are you crazy? You can't run in those!"

"Watch me." Then I'm off, the four packs weren't that heavy really, but I know I'll start to feel the weight when my running tires me out. But I push on. I take a tentative glance behind me to see my teammates following close behind, running a good pace now that their packs were off. We could do this, I just had to focus on the task and push myself. If I had to lift my whole team just to get us forward then I will.

We've mostly covered the course by now, and I feel my sweat dripping all over and my muscles are screaming. But soon the end point comes to view, and I see the commander and the senior marshals standing in wait. I look around to see if we were the first ones here, but there was someone else, someone also with a pack standing alone in front of the commander. A few paces more and I finally see who it is. There's only one person in the entire corps that was bald and short. I heard that he was doing good at physical training, but I still couldn't believe he beat us here.

"BRAUN! What do youthink you're doing?!" The commander shouted once I stopped in front of him. I tried to answer but my lungs wouldn't let me, and I let myself catch my breath first.

"Sir! I just helped my team since we were slowing down midway through the forest, sir!" I say in quick succession before putting three of the extra backpacks I carried down on the floor. God that shit was heavy. I'm still panting and I catch Connie looking at me with startled eyes.

"No, what your just did was get yourself killed by a titan while rendering the rest of your team defenseless!" The commander yelled back, before turning on Connie. "And you Springer, just left the rest of your team to die while getting your proud ass out of harm's way! You have no right to be soldiers if you continue to act by your own accords!" I didn't know the commander's voice could actually go higher than his usual shouting, and it looks like his marshals didn't either, what with the way they stepped back a little. "Both of you, will be on stable duty for the rest of the day until morning bell tomorrow! You heard me! That means no supper and you'll be sleeping tonight in horse shit! NOW GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

Bertholdt was right. The commander's face is infinitely scarier than mine. I give a salute before turning to leave and catch one of my teammates whispering an apology to me. I give him a small smile of reassurance, I guess I'm the idiot this time around huh? We start to walk back and looking over at my fellow horse shit cleaner, Connie seems to be mulling over the same thing. His brows were slightly pulled down and his lips were forming a small pout. I try not to stare but I might as well just rip my eyes off their sockets. Walking with him right now reminds of the first time we met, that night in the forest by the cliff. And to further prove that point, he fails to see the small rock jutting from the ground and he trips, just like last time.

I grab him by his collar and stop his fall midway, with his eyes closed and body braced for the fall. "You're thinking too hard again."

It takes him a moment to realize what's happening. When he does, he picks himself up and brushes me off before walking again. What the hell was that all about? Is he mad about something? I sigh and follow along, and I make sure I maintain the distance we have as we head to the stables.


"I'll start sweeping," Connie said after the marshals from the stables told us what to do and left. From his tone and expression, it looks like really is mad about something. Whether it's something I did or from getting in trouble, I don't know. Either way it's none of my business, and if he wants to be that way then so be it.

"I'll wash the horses then," I say as I make my way to the water pump. There were about a dozen horses that needed washing, so I better start if I wanna finish before dark. My clothes are soaked in sweat from all the running I did earlier, so I pull off my uniform top and get to work. This is what I get for trying to be the hero again, and I sigh at the irony of it all.

I already washed half the horses outside when I heard a loud clatter from inside the stable and my heart jumps. Connie. Did something happen? Did he hurt himself? All these thoughts kept running through my head as I ran inside hastily, and finding the little guy spread-eagled on the ground in a mess of barn equipment.

"Ow—ow-ow," he muttered painfully. I stand above him just as he opens his eyes and stares at me.

"You know, for someone who's excelling at physical training, you'd think they'd be a little less clumsy than this." I bend down to try and help him get off his mess when a flash of red catches my eye. He has a medium-sized on his cheek and it was bleeding.

"I just slipped, alright!" he says but I'm already up on my feet and walking back out the stable. I find my discarded shirt and grab it before washing it over the water pump. When I come back in, Connie was still sitting on the floor and looking at the mess he made, and the look of surprise he had when I bent down to clean his face with my shirt was priceless. He was blushing again, and seeing it this close is making me feel stuff I wasn't even ready to process yet. I almost fail to notice his hand coming to push mine off, catching it just in time.

"You're bleeding. Those tools look rusty so better clean it now. It doesn't look too deep so don't worry."

Just when I think he'd cooperate and let me clean his wound, he swats my hand with his other one and I see him wince. Shit, I pulled at his skin. "Would you just stop?! I'm trying to help you and you're just making things worse! If you didn't want this then stop being so damn reckless!"

That shut him up. I let go of his other hand when I feel him slacking and continue pressing on his cheek while doing my best to focus. I try not to look into his golden eyes, or his soft lips, but it's becoming very hard to concentrate when his face is this close to mine.

"Sorry, I just…" he mumbles, hesitating as he bites his lower lip. God, I swear I would've kissed him right then and there if it weren't for the task at hand.

"What happened anyway?" I ask, mostly to distract myself from my urges.

"I was just...trying to get that rake from the shelf…" he stammered, his eyes looking away. "I thought I could reach it if I stood on that bucket. 'Guess I was just being stupid again."

I can sometimes overhear the other recruits talking about him that way. I never heard a name, but hearing 'that bald, short kid' didn't give me much to think about. And I feel a little guilty too, didn't I see him as an idiot before we even met?

"Hey, you're not stupid okay? Clumsy, yes. But not stupid. Just next time, ask for help when you need it. Alright?"

He blushed again, which really didn't do well for the situation he was in right now. It didn't do well for my situation either, and I try not to stare at his slightly open mouth. "Y-yeah, I just...my mind was on other things and I didn't want to bother you so…"

"You're worried about the oral exam. On top of getting in trouble at training today." Shit, why did I say that. Quick, how do you explain eavesdropping on his table earlier. "You're not really a quiet person y'know. I heard you at the mess hall earlier talking to...Marco." Man, even saying his name makes me angry.

He frowns at my sudden change in tone, just when I hoped he wouldn't notice, so I come up with a distraction again. "Anyway, if you really wanted to study. I could...y'know...help. Since we're both stuck here, and it's not like we'll be doing stable duties all night."

That seemed to work because his eyes immediately lit up at what I said. And how can I not laugh at how he stuttered his thanks afterwards? I finish pressing my now bloodied shirt on his cheek and give him a smile. "We have to finish working first. I still have eight more horses to wash out there and you have this whole mess to clean up. We'll study afterwards."

Then I remember the face he made that night at the forest, and I dare myself to see if I can still bring that reaction out. So I wink at him, and immediately see his eyes grow wide as his face turns even redder than before—which probably wasn't a very good idea 'cause all the rushing blood on his face was making his cheek bleed again. Looks like I'm going to be playing nurse for a little while more.


It wasn't until I began washing horses again that I had the chance to think about my actions. What the hell just happened? Connie slipped and merely cut himself, that was it. I could've left him to pick himself up, or rather, I could've just ignored the ruckus he made in the first place. Why did I suddenly feel so protective? Not to mention the worry it came with…

Sighing, I rinse the horse brush and continue scrubbing the horse, but my mind won't quiet down. Connie and I haven't so much as looked at each other for almost a month and in just one afternoon, I went from avoiding him to nearly kissing him. Plus we're still going to have to spend the night together. Why am I feeling a tinge of excitement? This isn't good. The last time I felt this way was when—

No. Don't even go there. I have to do something about this. We're here to exterminate these idiots, not befriend them. We've come so far and I can't get distracted now.

The horse brush falls to the ground when I go, turning to go back inside the stable with one intention in mind. It was the perfect chance. The stable was a dozen meters away from the main camp and we're the only two people here. Even if he screamed I doubt anyone would hear, that's not to say I'm giving him the chance to.

He's inside one of the stable rows, bent down on the floor and scrubbing it clean. I should just sneak up on him now while his back is turned, but the idea instantly leaves when he suddenly looks at me.

"Uhh, hey man. You finished with the horses?" he asks innocently and I don't answer. Instead I close the gap between us, walking closer to him without breaking his gaze.

"Uhh, it's a little cramped in here for two people don't you think?" He chuckles nervously and takes a step back, finding the end of the stall. He's cornered. Even if he tried to run there's no way around me.

"Umm, Reiner—?"

He jumps when I put my hand on his shoulder. This is so easy. I can choke him right now until his lungs die out, or I can twist his head and snap his neck in one clean move. Annie's taught me how to do it, and with my size against Connie's, it would be as easy as snapping a twig. I can just dump his body in the woods and bury him there afterwards, and when people ask I'll just say I never saw him come back when he went for a walk. This is so easy, I should kill him now and avoid this mess from ever going too far.

Then he blushes, and my resolve weakens. He doesn't even sense the danger he's in right now and his eyes are telling me the same thing. The moment I feel his heart hammering from my hand on his shoulder is when give in. I can't do it, and I try to think of an excuse to get away from this sudden awkward situation.

"I just…" My voice is ragged and I clear my throat, hoping he doesn't suspect my lie. "Just wanted to ask if you saw any towels in here while you were cleaning. I could really use one."

He nods and quickly steps around me to get what I asked for, coming back a few seconds later with a towel rag in hand. "Thanks."

The air outside was cool as the sun started to set, and I breathe in the breeze in an attempt to clear my head. What is wrong with me? I've already killed dozens of people, and ruined the lives of hundreds. Why can't I kill one more insignificant guy I barely even know? I can't let this affect me more than it already has. I just gotta focus on the mission. Yeah, that should be easy enough.