I'm changing the pairings for this fic.
New pairings are: Sasuke x Naruto; Hinata x Naruto; ? X Naruto
Something about Naruto not being uke bothers me, so I'm just going to include Sasuke in there. As for the ? Pairing for Naruto. That's a surprise for the end! XD
Warnings: Crack. Nothing more to say about this fic. Pure crack. Any purer and it probably be cocaine.
Hinata was doing everything she could to keep from running in terror. Every step they took she thought that one of the deranged women in line would know who was following them. However, due to lack of imagination, no one could come up with anything better.
"This is absolutely ridiculous," the black haired man said snidely.
"Shh," hushed Gamatatsu. "Do you want them to know it's you?"
The man felt the vain pop on his head. "I'm in a fucking dress, what does it matter!?"
Five hundred plus female heads turned in the same direction. "Is that him?" The question came loudly a quarter mile into the crowd, somewhere on the left.
"It looks like him, but why is he in drag?"
"Is he gay?"
"He's not gay! He's too hot!" The small group was frozen in shock at the women yelling at each other.
"I bet he's gay, all the good ones are gay."
"He's not gay! Why else would he be asking for the children of others! I mean come on. Isn't that why guys become gay, so they can't have kids?"
"…You're an idiot."
"They're getting away!"
During the commotion, the group were slowly edging their way from the crowd, but when they heard the last shout they took off at full speed down a country road. The screaming women, holding wailing babies, followed close behind. "Take my baby, my Lord!"
"Crazy fucking hags," the man shouted. His hands grasped the dress from the bottom hem as he struggled to keep from tripping in the heeled shoes. "Stupid fucking frogs with your stupid fucking ideas."
"It sounded good to.. To me," Hinata spoke in between puffs of air. Black eyes glared at the back of her head.
"There," shouted Gamakichi from his perch on Hinata's shoulder, his legs flailing behind him as he tried desperately to hang on. Tucked on the other side of some undergrowth was a large house, probably belonged to a merchant. Quickly, they dashed inside the gates and into the house, not even bothering to knock to see if it was occupied. Once inside, the man braced himself against the door and Hinata found something to barricade it with. Slowly she pushed a table towards the door. Gamatatsu stood on the far end of the table like a ship captain heading to war.
"Heave! Ho!"
"Could you please," Hinata gasped," be a bit m-more helpful."
Once the table was safely up against the door, the group allowed themselves to catch their breath.
"I told you it would work, Emo-boy," the red frog quipped from the side. One dark eye seemed permanently stuck in a twitch.
"Okay! That's it. New deal! I'll give you my first name, you still have to guess my last. How's that?" He continued after he received several nods. "It's Sasuke."
"Pfft, I still prefer Emo-boy. It makes you sound like a superhero… Or a sidekick. Take your pick." Sasuke began to reach out to strangle the frog when a voice interrupted him.
"What's all this racket!?" Came an old man from behind them. Hinata, ever polite, stood and curtsied for the man.
"Forgive us, Sir. We didn't realize this was your house. My name is Hinata," pointing, Hinata continued as she desperately ignored the man ogling her. "This is Sasuke, Gamakichi, and Gamatatsu."
"My name is The Hermit Sannin," began the old man.
"Wait, your name is The Hermit Sannin?" Asked Gamatatsu.
"This guy's a loon," came Gamakichi.
The guy cleared his throat. "My name is The Hermit Sannin. And I am in desperate need of your help, fine young people… and frogs."
"Why should we bother, Old Man?" Sasuke folded his arms over the fake breasts of the dress.
"I won't report your B and E to the cops."
"Deal," said Sasuke quickly, followed by Gamatatsu's hurried 'sounds good to me!'
"W-what's th-the problem, Hermit Sannin?"
"The Hermit Sannin, young lady, and the problem is with all of my girls. All twelve of them go to bed and all twelve wake up with their shoes worn through."
"Sounds more like you need a tailor," came Sasuke's cool reply.
"Aren't you a tailor?" asked Gamakichi.
"I spin straw into gold, I don't make clothes!"
"What's the difference?" Sasuke moved to squish the frog again.
"Ahem," The Hermit Sannin cleared his throat.
"I'm sorry, but we're r-really in a hurry," came Hinata's small voice.
"This won't take long, they're going to bed now."
"At noon?" Asked Sasuke.
"They strip in the evenings." The Hermit Sannin ignored the weird looks the group gave him. "Well?"
"Where is their room?" Asked Hinata.
"Down the hall on the left."
So down the hall and to left the group went to patiently wait to find the answer to The Hermit Sannin's problem. They hadn't needed to wait long, in fact, to Sasuke's dismay, he still hadn't had the time to take off his dress.
One by one, the twelve girls arose from their beds, unbeknownst to them they were being watched. One by one they slipped on their shoes and fine clothing, including veils. The eldest went to her bed and with one short clap it moved aside to reveal a staircase. The group followed close behind.
The end of the stairs led to a grove of silver trees and here Sasuke quickly nabbed the two lingering girls in the back and quickly tied and gagged them. Hinata and Sasuke grabbed the veils and quickly jumped back into the procession of young ladies.
At the end of the Tree Grove was a row of boats on a lake, each one with a boatman to take them across. Hinata and Gamatatsu took the second to last boat and Sasuke and Gamakichi the very last and soon they found their way across the lake and in front of a huge castle. They followed the girls in, only to be stunned by loud music and flashing lights the moment the doors opened. "What the hell?" was all Gamatatsu could say.
The castle was nothing more than a gigantic night club and every man there wore a black cape with red clouds on it. "What is this place?" Sasuke asked a random passer by in red and black.
"This is the Akatsuki! Best club in town!"
"You're open in the day?" Sasuke knew he couldn't see his skeptical look.
"All day every day, baby," said the long, blond haired man. The pale man just brushed past him to the dance floor to locate The Hermit's girls.
"There you are, Sweetie!" Sasuke turned at the voice that was obviously directed at him. The man looked like a snake. "Give Daddy Oro some sugar!"
Before he knew it, Sasuke was fending for his life against his newest attacker. 'Daddy Oro's' hands roamed in places they shouldn't and before Sasuke had the chance to give the man a good punch in the face, he found his balls cupped and his veil lifted. "Why, you're a man," came 'Daddy Oro's' startled comment. "Kinky! I like it…"
When the man began to advance again he found a mouthful of Sasuke's knuckles and some of his own now broken teeth. Hurriedly, Sasuke rescued Hinata from her own soon to be mauling and dragged her out the door.
"Breaking and entering charges be damned," shouted the black haired man over his shoulder. "We're getting out of here!" Behind him, he tried to block out 'Daddy Oro's' calls of 'wait up, baby, the fun just started!'
Outside once again and across the lake, Sasuke and Hinata dragged the tied up girls from before up the stairs and back into the house. "Oi! Old hermit! Where are you!?" Shouted Sasuke.
"Errr.. S-Sasuke-kun… Where a-are Gamakichi and Gamatatsu?" At the moment of Hinata's inquiry, Gamakichi came up the steps supporting his brother, a look of mortification across his face.
"Keep 'Daddy Oro' away from me!" Apparently frogs weren't safe from that man, either…
Gamatatsu, on the other hand had a glazed giddy look on his face and a frog sized cocktail in one hand, the other slung across his brother's shoulders. "That place rocks! Let's go back!"
"Now, what the hell is going on!?" Came the voice of The Hermit Sannin. "How am I supposed to write with this racket!" The girls, no longer bound and gagged, ran toward the man.
"Daddy Jiraiya, they mugged us!" They exclaimed.
"Mugged you, huh?" He turned to face Hinata and Sasuke. "What's the meaning of this?"
Sasuke eyed the frogs wearily as he replied, apparently Gamatatsu couldn't hold his liquor and Gamakichi was rocking back and forth repeating a weird mantra of 'it was just a dream, it was just a dream. Bad men don't exist.' "Your girls went underground through some passage under the bed and we ended up at some club."
"EH!?" Hermit Sannin Jiraiya's voice cut through the air. "You girls went to the club with out me. You know I do my best research there…"
"But Jiraiya! You know you upset the girls last time," one girl pouted at the older man, her finger lazily tracing circles on his chest. The blatant display sent Gamakichi into what looked like a seizure and Sasuke tried not to gag as the perverted Hermit laughed.
Quickly Sasuke grabbed the drunk frog and held him at arms length in an attempt to keep vomit off of his dress. After all, at this rate, who knew when he'd get the chance to change? "Let's go, Hinata." He stomped off in what Hinata thought was a great impression of her sister when she was angry.
Nodding, the shy princess quickly picked up Gamakichi, who was now crying, and silently followed Sasuke and Gamatatsu, who was now singing 'it's a wonderful life', out of the house. Both of them glad to leave.
Hinata exited the house just in time to see Gamatatsu attempt to 'feel up' Sasuke's 'breasts'. Hurriedly taking off the veil still on her head, Hinata ripped off the netting and swiped Gamatatsu from Sasuke just as the frog began to turn blue from strangulation. Tying him up in the netting, she tied him to her hip until he sobered up. She would just have to ignore the cat calls and questions of 'what was up her skirt.'
Who knew Gamatatsu was such a lecher?
Sasuke, on the other hand, huffily began to readjust his 'breasts' before realization of what he was doing dawned on him, he angrily ripped off the dress and stormed off into one direction, utterly forgetting that the sand bags acting as breasts were still stuffed in his shirt.
"Umm… Sasuke-kun…" He hadn't heard her. Hinata sighed and followed after, Gamakichi still balling in her arms.
Further down the road they came across a merchant. "Hold there… Young ladies?"
Sasuke glared before looking down. He blushed and quickly tore the sandbags out of his shirt before throwing them on the ground. "What do you want?"
"Rude aren't you? Show some manners! I'm the traveling sales man, Ebisu," the man spoke haughtily.
"W-what do y-you sell?" asked Hinata.
"Anything and everything," replied Ebisu. "And for the young, err, man, I believe I may have a few books and comics that run along his interests."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean!?"
"Nothing," was Ebisu's quick reply. "I do, however have some interesting beans. Magic beans, to be exact. I'll trade them for your frogs! What do you say?"
"Why would you want these frogs?" questioned Sasuke, distaste evident in his voice.
"They make great soup, is all. They taste like chicken."
Noticing the odd gleam of glee in Sasuke's eye, Hinata was spurred on to answer before he had the chance. "No , thank you , sir."
"Well, how about for the veil on your head, then?"
Sasuke looked curiously at Hinata. She had destroyed her veil in order to tie up Gamatatsu, which meant… Bringing one hand up to his head, he felt around. Yep, it was still there, too. "God dammit!" The black-haired boy ripped the veil off his head and threw it at the merchant. "Just take it damnit!"
"Thank you, here's your beans." Ebisu packed away the veil and pulled out sack full of beans that he handed to Hinata. He made a quick bow in their direction. "Take care young ladies." And off he went, ignoring Sasuke's shouts of 'I'm a man!'
Hinata tucked away the beans and they continued on their way.
Much sooner then expected they came across a tower.
"I w-wonder who lives here," Hinata stuttered.
"Who cares," replied Sasuke. Hinata ignored him and made her way to the tower.
"Yoohoo! Are you here to save me?" Came a voice. Hinata looked around curiously.
"Up here!" Looking up, at the top of the tower , was a window. In the window, a girl with pink hair hung half way out.
"What are you d-doing up there?" Hinata called up to her.
"Duh! I'm stuck here, dunce!"
Sasuke snorted, "Who would be stupid enough to get stuck in a tower with no doors?"
Hinata looked around, sure enough, no doors.
"A witch put me up here!" The girl batted her eyelashes at Sasuke. "Now, good knight, come forth and save your princess."
"No," was Sasuke's short reply. Hinata watched from the side at the man's obvious dislike of the girl.
"Come on! I've been waiting for 17 years for a good looking man to save me, dammit!"
Sasuke opened his mouth to reply, but was quickly cut short by a voice from behind.
"Sakura! Sakura! Let down your long hair, so I may climb to your rescue!"
"Go away, you freak," shouted Sakura.
Turning around Hinata and Sasuke both blanched at the strange man before them, their gaze drawn to his eyebrows. Dressed in knight's garb, the man bore a strange bowl cut and had on a strange green leotard underneath his armor. "Sakura, my love, let the Spring Time of Youth over whelm your senses as it has mine!" Hinata and Sasuke continued to remain silent.
"No! I have a better knight who will save me, Lee!" Sakura shrieked. "Isn't that right?" Sasuke grimaced at the batted eyelashes.
"Sure… Sakura… Let down your… hair… " Sakura responded gladly as a long rope of pink hair made its way down the tower. Sasuke turned to the heartbroken Lee. "Well? Aren't you going to save her?"
"Yosh!" Quickly Lee sprung into action and, to Sakura's dismay, began to climb her hair.
"Get off you weirdo! I was talking to the handsome guy in front of you!"
Sasuke snorted. "As if!"
"I told you he was emo," came a drunken slur from Hinata's hip, Gamatatsu referring to the black haired man's choice in words. Sasuke moved to kick the netting, but was quickly distracted by the commotion in the tower.
"You cut off my hair, you idiot," screamed Sakura.
"But, how else will you climb down as well?" questioned Lee.
"Ugh, fine." And with one push Sakura forced Lee through the window who hit the ground with a large bang. Looking into the small, Lee-shaped crater, Hinata and Sasuke watched as Lee's hand shot up from the ground in a thumbs up. A muffled 'yosh' could be heard.
Glancing up again, they saw Sakura making her way down the tower. Using Lee as a stepping stone, so as not to fall into the crater, Sakura latched on to an unhappy Sasuke. "My knight! Thank you for saving me!"
Sasuke attempted to shake her off. "Let go, you psycho!"
"But, Sakura," said Lee as he uprooted himself from the ground, "it was I who saved you!"
"You mean butchered my hair! Look how uneven it is now." She gestured to her now short length of hair. Quickly she turned back to Sasuke. "Marry me."
"Sorry, not interested."
"Eh!? Why not!?"
"W-we currently are on a quest," came Hinata.
"A quest? A young maiden in trouble! Yosh! The Spring Time of Youth remains strong! We must save her! Forgive me Sakura, but I must accompany them to save her!" Sakura looked appalled by the mere thought of Lee's declaration.
"I'm not going anywhere with you! I will, however, follow my knight in shining armor anywhere he wants."
Sasuke tried not to gag, he'd been doing that a lot recently. "Lee was it? We're on our way to awaken The Sleeping Frog… Princess. We could use your help."
"Actually," came the drunken drawl from Hinata's hip. " it's The Sleeping Frog Prin… Gah!"
Sasuke didn't hesitate to kick the netting this time. "Will you accompany us?"
"Yosh! I shall." Hinata was still staring at his eyebrows, did they just move on their own?
"I'm NOT going anywhere with him," shouted Sakura.
Sasuke turned to look at her coldly, oddly wishing he still looked like a woman. "That's the point." Quickly he grabbed Lee and Hinata's arm and off they went.
"Goodbye, my Love," shouted Lee over his shoulder. Sasuke shuttered. He traded one idiot following him for another.
Probably not as humorous as the first chapter. Ah well, one more chappy to this fic and it's over.
The fairy tales are pretty obvious in this chapter. Review anyway and get a cookie.
