Odd Jobs by Godogma
"Thanks for getting me out and bringing me some pants," Xander said as they left the police station.
Dick shook his head, "Just be glad Babs heard about it over the police band and notified me. Did you really try to cook and eat Killer Croc?"
Xander shrugged, "I didn't know he was a mutated human. I thought he was a mutated gator, and since I was working at a restaurant that serves gumbo …"
Dick sighed. "And the chainsaw?"
"Seemed the best way to prepare mutated gator meat before it could eat the clientele."
"And the lack of pants?" Dick asked archly.
"Got caught in the chain, I haven't used a chainsaw in a while."
A man in a gray suit approached the two and handed Xander a large manilla envelope. "You have been served; you are not to go within a hundred feet of my client. Have a nice day."
Xander opened the envelope and sorted through the papers.
"Someone filed a restraining order against you? Who even knows you well enough to do that?"
"Killer Croc apparently."
Dick blinked and shrugged, "Well … at least that makes sense."
Two Days Later…
"You didn't have to get me out this time! I was being released, I even kept my pants on."
"I know, but I wanted to hear what happened in person," Dick replied.
"It was no big deal."
"Attempted murder was no big deal?"
"As I told them when I was brought in; he was dead long before I got there," Xander replied.
"Huh, I never really thought of him that way."
"Zombie, revenant, vampire... All animated corpses but animated does not equal alive."
"They said you caused him horrific wounds."
"Consecrated salt and holy water works pretty well against most undead, the problem is getting it on them without getting hit. So, I soaked my shirt with them and used it as a whip."
"And chasing him with needle and thread?" Dick asked curiously.
"Sew the mouth shut and zombies are forced back into their graves."
"Good thing you work at the Yarn Barn then."
"Not anymore," Xander muttered.
"Fired already? I thought you were on your lunch break when everything occurred?"
"They said I projected the wrong image. I'm guessing the sight of me chasing Solomon Grundy with a ball of yarn and a leatherworking needle was on the news."
Two Days Later…
"How'd things go at work?" Dick asked as Xander flopped down on the sofa.
"Business went under," Xander grunted.
"What did you do? And how'd you lose your shirt this time?" Babs demanded in Batgirl uniform but with her cowl off and sipping coffee.
"Why is it I'm always at fault?!" Xander demanded.
"Well?" Dick asked, not bothering to answer him.
"Turns out the place I was working was illegally dumping waste products into the river and sewer," Xander explained, pausing to get up and steal Babs' coffee. "Poison Ivy and Harle robbed the place and exposed everything."
"And you didn't do anything?" Dick asked in disbelief.
"I'm no crime fighter, Killer Croc was trying to eat people and Solomon Grundy was undead. I know how to handle things like that, besides; have you seen Poison Ivy?"
Xander smirked at Babs, "I never could resist a redhead. She got some toxic gunk on her so I gave her my shirt to wipe it off with."
Babs stuck her tongue out at him, annoyed at him for stealing her coffee but made sure to put a little more sway in her hips as she went to get another cup. "And yet you managed to keep your pants on around her but not your shirt."
"Ever thought of taking up crime fighting?" Dick asked.
Xander shrugged. "I think my ways are a bit too brutal for anything short of life and death battles."
"And maybe a bit too brutal even then," Babs interjected, having returned with more coffee.
"You could try and tone it down a bit..." Dick suggested leadingly.
Xander sighed. "Maybe. I'm going to try getting a normal job one last time before joining you guys."
"I think the cape and cowl life would be a perfect fit, considering what you've told us about your old life," Babs offered.
"I'm too used to making sure a threat is permanently removed and truthfully I love saving lives but not so much saving rich guys' stuff."
"How do you mean?" Dick asked.
"Well I'll risk my life to save others, but Catwoman trying to lift some Egyptian artifact or the Penguin trying to rob a bank just doesn't interest me."
"I guess I can see where you're coming from," Babs offered, "you value human life over monetary concerns and have seen too much corruption in the upper crust to care about their financial well being."
"Exactly, most of their fortunes were made by methods that were immoral if not illegal to start with."
"But how about preventing muggers from stealing an old lady's purse or thieves from breaking into a lab working on curing cancer?" Dick pointed out. "We may try and prevent every crime we can, but nothing says you can't be selective and prioritize. There is enough crime in Bludhaven to go around, trust me."
Xander nodded thoughtfully. "You make a good case, I'm just afraid I'll wind up killing or crippling someone accidentally. Guys, don't take this the wrong way but compared to the things I normally fight, humans are downright fragile. I'm a bit worried that if I learn to pull my blows it'll get me or my friends killed when I get home."
"I think you can handle it," Babs encouraged him. "You may break some bones but that's a far cry from crippling someone. Let Dick train you on how to take someone down easy and then decide, after all a little extra training never hurt anyone."
0oOo0
Nightwing winced and adjusted his armor. "A little extra training never hurt anyone she says."
"Whats wrong?" Batman asked, appearing out of nowhere.
"Just being reminded that I'm all too human," Nightwing said. "Did you get that DNA sample tested for a meta-gene?"
"Yes, test came back negative for that."
"So, what was unusual about his DNA?" Nightwing asked, tipped off by Batman's response that something was up.
"It reads like the missing link between human and Atlantean," Batman replied.
"Superhuman strength!" Nightwing exclaimed, nodding knowingly.
"Not noticeably," Batman replied, hiding a grin.
"Then how the hell does he hit so hard?!"
"His tendons are tougher and his bones more resilient than a normal human. Most humans only use a portion of the strength they actually have available, a survival instinct that's hardwired in to prevent them from crippling themselves. His slightly altered physiology allows him to use a greater portion of that strength without doing any permanent damage to himself."
"Permanent?"
"He does some damage to himself with every blow struck but proteins in his blood suggest that strains and tears heal much more rapidly than in a normal human."
"Gaining a slight increase in strength each time," Nightwing said, beginning to get the picture.
"I doubt he'll ever reach Aquaman's level of strength, but it should still be an impressive amount … eventually."
"Thanks." Nightwing turned, but Batman had vanished as silently as he'd appeared.
"Man! I hate when he does that."
0oOo0
The Busted Flush was the toughest bar in Gotham, hosting a variety of the Who's Who in villainy most nights from the Joker to Kiteman, it was also close enough to Bludhaven that Xander didn't mind the commute.
He'd been a bit shocked at the amount they were willing to pay for a waiter/bartender/bus boy until he'd got an eyeful of the clientele.
"Hi, I'm Mary," a cute little brunette with her hair in a ponytail introduced herself.
"Hi Mary, I'm Xander nice to meet you."
"I know they look intimidating," she quickly said, "but they come here to unwind just like anyone else, underneath the masks they're as human as you or me. Well... most of them."
"OK, I'll give it a shot," Xander agreed.
Half an Hour Later…
Xander had just delivered a trio of anchovy martini's to the Penguin and his two Hench Pens when he was waved over to the Scarecrow's table.
"What can I get … Cough!" Xander coughed as he got a face full of fear gas.
Mary was groaning from behind the bar; she'd hoped Xander would last longer than the others, he'd taken strange orders and stranger customers in stride, and he had a nice ass.
'This is a familiar emotion,' Xander thought as bowel watering fear hit him, but years of conditioning came to the forefront and his immediate reaction was to attack the source of fear.
"Don't kill him," Mary called out urgently, "he always pays his tab on time!"
Xander's left hand was clutched around the Scarecrow's neck while his right hand drew an icepick from his belt, unswayed by Mary's words.
"And he's a great tipper!" she quickly added.
The Scarecrow dropped back into his seat as Xander released him and put the ice pick away.
"So, what can I get you sir?" Xander asked politely.
The Scarecrow rubbed his throat and placed a hundred on the table. "One jack and coke, no ice and one quick explanation for your response to my fear toxin. Keep the change."
"I'm used to fighting things that give monsters nightmares. My response to fear these days is to kill whatever causes it."
"That's an unusual response," The Scarecrow said thoughtfully. "Any idea what event was the turning point when you started responding that way?"
"Probably when Timmy, a little boy with huge mental powers caused everyone's fears to come to life though I'm sure facing Gaknar didn't hurt any," Xander finished, but as he said Gaknar the word had twisted on his tongue, coming out as something else and sending a wave of cold around the room as the lights dimmed and the shadows deepened.
"Y-yes. Facing that second t-thing," The Scarecrow stuttered out.
"Name ranked Fear Demon," Xander explained. "I wanted to keep it as a pet but my friends insisted we kill it."
The Scarecrow handed Xander another hundred. "Thank you, make mine a double."
The next hour was a bit busy as everyone there ordered another round, but things quieted down as the lights seemed to slowly brighten once more.
"Take the counter, I need a breather," Mary said.
Xander hopped behind the bar and got familiar with where everything was as a group of suits from a bad mobster movie got a couple of rounds and retreated to their table.
Seeing a redhead alone at the end of the bar he made his way over. "Need anything?"
"A curre," she purred out, "but I doubt you know one."
Xander noticed the jewel like feline eyes and enlarged canine teeth. "Have any pictures of Wonder Woman tied up with her own lasso?" Xander asked.
"Perrverrt." She snorted with amusement.
Xander grinned. "Of course, I'm male. But in this case I'm being serious. Circe is either out of Tartarus on parole or soon will be and she hates Wonder Woman's mother, so if you bribe her with pictures of Wonder Woman being humiliated she may help you. After all, who better to undo a partial animal transformation than an immortal sorceress who specializes in turning people into animals?"
The blonde actually purred as she thought about it. "That would be wonderrful, if it worrks I'll send you a copy of my photo album," she promised, dropping a twenty on the bar before sashaying out.
"Trying to get a piece of tail?" Mary teased, startling him.
"Nah, just helping her lose one," Xander replied with a grin.
0oOo0
"So, how'd work go?" Babs asked, putting her feet in Xander's lap as she collapsed on the sofa, and making puppy dog eyes at him until he started rubbing them.
"Yeah," Dick added, bringing coffee for everyone, "get fired yet?"
"O' ye of little faith." Xander snorted.
"I'm not hearing a no~!" Babs teased.
Xander rolled his eyes and took a sip of coffee before returning his hands to rubbing the demanding redhead's feet. "Well the first sign of trouble was …"
Half an Hour Later…
"She said not to worry about Killer Croc, because he never tipped that much anyway and Solomon Grundy was going to be a bit of a problem because his boys are pretty regular customers but the only real mistake I made was refusing to serve Lillian Doll so I'm hired part time."
The two out of costume crime fighters just stared at him.
"What?" Xander asked. "The pay's decent and its legal."
"So …" Dick drawled out, trying to figure out how this affected Xander's earlier agreement. "Part time crime fighting?"
Xander shrugged. "Sure, why not?"
0oOo0
"I'm not calling you Flannel Man," Nightwing said firmly.
Xander was dressed in his usual Levi's and flannel shirt, with a black head cloth that covered everything from his nose up. "Got a better idea?"
"I don't know; Blue Collar, Working Joe, I'm sure you can find something more appropriate."
"You dress in black leather and call yourself Nightwing," Xander pointed out with a grin.
"Fine..." Nightwing groaned, "Flannel Man it is."
0oOo0
"Its strange how you and Flannel Man always seem to just miss each other," Batgirl pointed out.
Batman didn't say anything.
"I'd almost think you were checking up on him," she continued innocently.
"He comes out of nowhere with a fantastic story and an interesting DNA profile," Batman pointed out, "I'd be remiss if I didn't make sure he was … safe to be around."
"Suuuure," Batgirl drawled out, "and the fact that he knows so many secrets that even you don't know doesn't bug you at all."
Batman didn't respond.
"You might find it interesting to know the rumors your little stalking sessions have caused," she teased.
0oOo0
Bludhaven 12th Precinct
"They can't be the same guy," an officer said as he helped a mugger hobble to a chair, "they have a completely different MO."
The mugger nodded. "Gotta agree with you there, copper. I've been collared by both, Batman is like fighting a whirlwind; you swing and swing and hit nothing but air. Fighting Flannel Man is like fighting a tidal wave; nothing you do effects it and it crushes you to the ground."
The Scarecrow nodded from where he was handcuffed to a chair. "I've hit them both with fear gas and they react completely differently."
"If Batman was running a second ID he'd do all those things," the sergeant on the booking desk pointed out.
"True," the Penguin agreed, "but Flannel Man completely ignored me robbing a museum to chase down a guy that robbed the Poor Box at St. Joseph's."
"Yeah, but you were caught by Nightwing who works with him, so he could have called it in while chasing the crook," a detective pointed out.
"Good point," The Penguin and the Scarecrow agreed, not wanting to make trouble for their favorite bartender; if the cops wanted to think Flannel Man and Batman were the same person they were perfectly content to let them, after all the police always cut Batman a lot of slack.
0oOo0
Xander awoke to find his head wrap gone and himself chained to an altar.
An old man leaning on a rune encrusted staff sighed. "I wish it hadn't come to this Batman, but you foiled my last two attempts to acquire a Lazarus Pit, so its only fitting I take your youth to replace my own."
Xander glanced around and was surprised at the lack of guards.
"I know its wrong but I have raised and protected the children in this area for generations and with your help I'll be able to protect them for generations to come."
Xander checked the heavy chains and grinned when he noticed they were fastened to the ground with lightweight bolts. The old man was still rambling on as Xander freed himself and walked over to him.
"I suppose..." The old man began and turned to find Xander standing next to him. "Oh dear."
Xander was wondering what to do since he wasn't sure he should hit The old man as he was pretty sure it would kill him or break something important that he couldn't heal anymore when an idea hit him. "How many years are we talking about here?"
"The ritual would take ten years from you and return me to my prime, and I could continue my life's work," The old man said amicably, watching Xander carefully.
"Well, I don't know about taking ten years from me; how about if I found you a willing donor? This ritual would age the target ten years right?" Xander asked with a grin.
The old man nodded. "If there truly is such a person, it would indeed age him or her ten years; I know not the effect it would have on one of the immortal heroes which you are friends with."
"Ah, good point – how about someone in a case of arrested development?"
"I see no reason why the magic would affect this person any differently than a normal human, worst case scenario they are merely stuck a decade later in life than they were before."
Xander's smile crept from ear to ear. "Two birds, one stone."
