He carried on talking and guided her inside before she'd really had a chance to protest.
But, once inside, at the first opportunity she said, "It's late now, and you may have the luxury of calling in sick again tomorrow, but some of us are expected on the bridge at 07.00, so..."
"Just one coffee?"
She rolled her eyes at him.
Undeterred he went on. "I've really enjoyed this evening, Kathryn, and I guess I just don't want it to end."
"It has been wonderful. Thank you." Her voice was lower, her eyes still holding some of the heat of the undeniable connection strengthening between them.
"Then stay a while?"
"I'd love to, Chakotay, but we can't go on just..." The colour began to rise a little more in her cheeks.
"Oh, I see." He tugged on his ear, and forced himself to look at her again, trying to read her expression for any signs of what was to come; although he had a pretty good idea.
"We said we'd talk later."
"We did. And it's certainly 'later' now," he conceded.
"Shall we?" She motioned towards the low sofa that ran under his viewport and they sat down in much the same positions as the night before, when her fingers had seemed to have a mind of their own. She began immediately. "Look Chakotay, about last night, I can see I need to give you some sort of an explanation as to why I allowed... why..." she faltered, before trying again.
"I just needed to be... close to you, to... it was about reassuring myself that I hadn't lost you. It doesn't mean that our situation has changed in essentials." She stopped and watched him for a moment.
"Go on," he said, his voice soft and low.
She swallowed and then continued. She didn't say much he hadn't anticipated until she spoke of her fear that if they allowed themselves to get closer and something were to happen to him, she wouldn't be able to carry on leading the crew without him by her side.
He was stunned to discover that this fear was the main force holding them apart. Her desire to hold fast to protocol and her loyalty to her fiancé seemed less significant than he'd imagined.
In measured tones he pointed out that denying what they felt for each other was unlikely to lessen the fallout for either of them, if anything were to happen to the other, and, in many ways, she might want to consider that it could actually heighten the pain. She listened, eyes studying the carpet.
He captured one of her hands in his, his thumb stroking lightly across her knuckles. "You remember I told you I lived through four days of hallucinations while you were trying to revive me yesterday? Well, I had plenty of time to think. I think we've already wasted so much time, Kathryn. You need more from someone than just help shouldering your burdens out here. Any good first officer could do that for you. Tuvok could do that. Tuvok does do that."
"What's your point?"
"My point is, that you have a right to... a need for more. A lot more. And so do I."
"I know you do. I wouldn't begrudge you happiness elsewhere."
He knew she really believed what she was saying, but he was determined not to let it discourage him. "I see."
She watched him carefully, gauging his reaction as she went on. "I wouldn't blame you, Chakotay." She laid her other hand on his shoulder.
"And how would you propose I go about getting myself a date then?"
Her brows rose together as she took in his small smile. "That's not really something you expect me to answer is it? I mean, I don't imagine you've ever had problems in that department."
"I'm flattered you think that, Kathryn, but actually I'm serious. Just who exactly on this ship do you expect me to date?"
"Well, any number of women!" she threw back at him.
He cocked his head to one side and his mouth twitched. "I can see you haven't really thought this one through." Turning her hand over between his, he began slowly tracing the outline of each of her fingers.
"Why do you say that?" She watched transfixed as his fingers moved lightly over hers.
"Well...let's just say, I'm closer to the crew than you are, and I can tell you that my feelings for you aren't exactly the best kept secret on this ship."
She looked up to hold his gaze now.
"So, I ask you again, who exactly is going to risk dating the man who everyone believes is already hopelessly in love with the Captain? Or if you care to believe another portion of the crew, the fortunate man who has been the Captain's lover ever since he materialised on her bridge? I can assure you, I'm not exactly fighting them off here."
"Oh. I see." Still she didn't look away, and the corner of her mouth twitched in poorly disguised amusement, or possibly nervousness.
"I'm not saying that's a reason for us to be together, I just think you need to be aware of certain things." He moistened his lips before continuing and her eyes flickered down to his mouth for a fraction of a second.
"I just want you to consider the fact that my feelings for you are already there, already real, already part of me. If you feel the same, then I can't see the wisdom in denying them any longer. It feels... misguided. It benefits no one, and it plays no part in determining whether or not we get the crew home."
Her eyes dropped to the carpet, then came back up, lingering for another split second on his lips, to meet his gaze again. "But what if it distracted us? Surely it would distract us? We might... make mistakes."
"We'll make mistakes whether we're together or not. "
"I know that too," she sighed, but, for once, her eyes were unguarded. "Oh, Chakotay. I just don't know. That still doesn't make it... right."
"We both know our goal here has to be what's most important, but that doesn't mean our lives should be less than they could be."
Eyes full and her voice uncharacteristically hesitant, she began. "If we were to start… something, it would have to stay here, in our quarters. The crew couldn't know – and I just don't know if that's possible on a ship this small."
He could sense he was slowly gaining ground. Gently turning her hand to entwine her fingers in his, he chuckled. "Kathryn, are you really telling me you're worried we haven't had enough practice concealing our feelings?"
She fixed him with her deep blue gaze for a moment, then looked down again. "But I can't guarantee I'd be able to give you enough of...myself, enough of what you want... need."
Determined to squeeze through that door he'd wedged open the night before, he brought her fingers up to his lips and then with his free hand he gently lifted her chin so she was forced to look at him. "I'll take whatever you've got to give. It'll be enough."
"How can you know that?"
"You need to trust me to take care of my own heart."
"I do."
"Then don't you at least want to know what this... could be, before you decide it's not worth the risk?"
As he'd been speaking he'd shifted slightly to close the small gap between them and he could see she thought he was preparing to lean in to kiss her, as he had the night before. Her eyes seemed the darkest blue as she moistened her lips before she spoke.
"Oh...believe me... I think I know."
He took a slightly different direction however, and the movement of his head towards hers ended with his lips grazing her ear. "Do you want to go now, Kathryn, or shall I seal the doors?"
"I take it you're feeling better then?"
He could hear that crooked smile he loved so much. "I am, but you haven't answered my question."
She was suddenly very still. His cheek brushed against hers as he drew back a fraction to leave their lips close enough to almost taste her breath. He tilted his head slightly as he held her gaze. His counted through another three beats of his pounding heart, and then he decided. Her continued presence, her teasing and her hand still in his were definitely enough, so he stopped holding himself back and did what he'd wanted to do for the best part of the last three years.
As their lips connected and his tongue found hers immediately, the unexpected force of her response afforded him a glorious moment of revelation. Small, cool hands came up almost immediately beneath his loose shirt to thrill his skin and his soul with their very first touch. He could be in no doubt; she'd made her decision.
Minutes later, without breaking contact, she somehow managed to get them off the sofa and steer them towards the bedroom. He was beyond caring where they were. He hadn't formulated any strategies for this part of his campaign, and even if he had, they would have just been blasted out of the airlock, along with the rest of his higher brain functions. It was her, not him, who still had the presence of mind to tell the computer to seal the doors.
That night they made love for the first time. And the second time. And the third time.
To be fair, he was feeling quite a bit better.
There was something so powerfully right about their joining – above and beyond the intense physical pleasure – that he couldn't help but feel hopeful this was something she would find very hard to deny them now. He wasn't prone to over-confidence, but he could feel in his very bones that she loved him – feel it with a wholly unexpected certainty.
Early next morning as they lay entwined in his bed, his lips brushed her ear again. "I love you, Kathryn Janeway."
She shifted to mirror the gesture and husked, "I believe you're repeating yourself, Commander."
"Not exactly the response I was after, Captain," he murmured as he trailed his fingers across her back. "But I guess I already knew you weren't a morning person. We can work on your pillow talk later."
He returned to duty, but she still didn't return to her quarters that night either. She replicated a toothbrush and put it in his bathroom.
The following morning, they lay entwined in his bed again and this time her lips brushed his ear. "I had a word with the computer and we came to an understanding."
She told him to ask the computer to locate her.
"Captain Janeway is in her quarters," it responded.
"Is she awake?" he asked.
"Negative," came the monotone reply. She giggled. He laughed, mostly because of the delightful novelty of hearing her giggle.
For the following two weeks, they effortlessly maintained the appearance of their three-year long friendship in front of the crew, but she found her way to his bed each night eventually. The pull to be together was simply too strong to resist, even for her.
He smiled more, she slept better.
