"So why is he coming back?"

Eugene stares at him blankly for a moment before turning back to the road

"I didn't ask."

"Oh….why not?"

"Because I didn't. What do I need to know for, so long as he's coming back."

Zia shrugs, staring out his window, "I don't know. You said he was staying, then he calls you out of the blue asks us to drive all this-"

"He didn't ask me for anything, he told me that-"

"I know, I'm just saying-"

"I'm there for my brother whenever-"

"Yeah, but a normal person would want-"

"I should put him through what fifty questions before I agree-"

"No you shouldn't put him through fifty questions, what are ya talking about, I'm just-"

Eugene reaches for his sunglasses, "Maybe you should just not say anything," he raises an eyebrow at him over the rim of the blue shades and adds in his clipped manner, "for the rest of the trip. Problem solved."

Zia nods, staring down at the lines in his hand

~*~

The attendant at the gas station apparently drowned himself, the slow drip of water coming from his ear distracting Zia from the row of chips. There was a brand they used to get, the kind that had made perfect road food. A foreign brand…maybe.

"Need any help, guy?"

"Uh no," he grabs a couple of each and maneuvers it and the rest of the things up to the counter. Drumming his fingers on a pile of pamphlets he watches the clerk ring everything up at a slow, concentrated pace, reading the labels of each item and punching in the SKU number . Outside Eugene holds up the hood of his car while the other twists and pulls at something in annoyance.

When he lets the hood fall shut, Zia tosses him a bag of chips and a soda.

"Good brand," he shakes the soda, "Thanks."

"Yeah no problem."

"About earlier," he starts as they fork to either sides of the car

Zia concentrates on the door handle, "It's okay. Forget about it."

"Here, drive a bit." he crawls over the partition into the passenger's seat after starting up the car

"Don't fall asleep."

Eugene looks insulted, "I won't."

~*~

Zia shoves Eugene's snoring head to the side, eyes leaving the road to tug the jacket from beneath the other's head. The bands' old tape is still there so he puts it in after draping the jacket back over Eugene's shoulder.

"When there is trap, set up for you in ever corner of this town and so you learn the only way to go is-"

"Through the roof." Eugene mutters sleepily

Zia twiddles his thumb on the steering wheel, "Or underground."

He buries his face into his shoulder, murmurs a muffled "'course" and resumes snoring.

~*~

Two days later Eugene talks to his brother from a payphone while Zia fiddles uselessly with the radio and tries not to think of the time him and Mikal had drawn smiley faces on the dashboard and tried in vain to mimic them with their own mouths.

When Eugene gets back he says that Kostya hitched a ride and will meet them at a motel that's only a few hours left of where they are near sundown. When Zia nods he says in a brisk tone of voice that Kostya wouldn't tell him what was wrong, but that he would be coming alone.

~*~

Their room smells like stale laundry and meat so of course Eugene loves it. He sits down on the single bed with his back against the wall in striped boxers, a white beater and black socks and plays solitaire with an unlit cigarette in his mouth. There isn't much to do so Zia watches him and gets drunk.

He lays on the gray carpet and thinks of Desire and Mikal and the look on his parent's faces when he woke up. He couldn't tell them about what happened, he didn't think they'd believe him. And Mikal…well she'd never wanted to kill herself in the first place.

"We're alive," she'd told him when he'd brought it up, "that place was hellish and I'd really appreciate it if you never mentioned it again, okay?"

Her voice had been sweet and intense just like her so he hadn't. He'd gone to counseling, found another job, stopped drinking beer and eating pizza. It had seemed like it was going to be okay. The wounds hadn't healed over completely but for a while he looked at them and just saw scars and not memories. He over thought a lot of things and until he'd caught Mikal that night he'd been going with the flow, doing what he was supposed to do.

But it hadn't necessarily been because of her. He'd tried to tell her that once, hadn't he? That if he went back he had a feeling he would miss this and she'd thought he meant just her. But it was everything. He couldn't smile, he could barely feel but that's what made it okay. He didn't have to worry about things like that anymore, it was a surrender, a release, to just be without the weight of wondering if he had a purpose. It was freedom.

She didn't understand.

A spotlight passes over Zia's face and he squints until it passes. Eugene is off the bed, at the window, knocking on it to gain his brother's attention. Zia lifts his head and sees Kostaya on the other side, gesturing emphatically for Eugene to unlock the door but being ignored as his older brother continues to yell at him in Russian. Well he's probably not yelling but the language is passionate so it sort of sounds like it.

When Zia gets up to open the door he's still not sure if Eugene was angry, but he grips Kostya's shoulders and asks in English where he got the new shoes so at least for now it's alright.

Out of his brother's grip Kostya just stares at Zia blankly, "You came back."

"Oh, yeah I did."

The boy gives him a hug, his mouth parted in amazement as he looks him over one more time just to be sure, "How did you do it?"

"Gas."

"I thought your lips looked bluer. Huh."

Turning around he sees that Eugene is on the phone, holding up a finger when he notices the silence.

"Ma," Kostya rolls his eyes, "I don't what's up with her. I mean what's the worst that could have happened to me, I die? Too late for that."

"Is there anything worse than death?"

"Yeah, kidney pie. Bathroom?"

Zia pointed.

~*~

Eugene and Zia sit on the couch while Kostya sits across from them on the floor to play cards. They don't talk about things right away because there isn't any rush. Eugene looks at his brother, clean shaven, his light hair stringy and matted and Zia swears a muscle jumps in his cheek. He doesn't say anything though, flicks another penny onto the stack and nudges Zia to make a move.

When Kostya finally does start talking its when Eugene leaves to get ice for the drinks, slipping on a pair of loafers and telling them to lock the door.

"So, I heard you fell for someone."

"Eugene tell you that?" the younger boy curls his legs up to his chest, clutching the neck of the warm beer, "Yeah I guess I did."

"Tell me about him."

"He was nice…and eccentric and all the things that I wasn't."

"Oh come on you're pretty nice."

"Enough I guess. I'm also pretty selfish too. His name was Jazon, he almost made it to the Olympics before, for snowboarding. The pressure got to him."

"So he set himself on fire?"

Kostya blinks in confusion before rolling his eyes, "Not intentionally. God I wish Eugene would listen to half the things I said before telling everyone."

Zia nods, gesturing for Kostya's beer and using the table to open it, "So what happened?"

"He was trying to breath in noxious fumes and right when he was slipping the wind picked up the flame and burned him. Anyways yeah," he took a sip, "I fell for him. I mean I was with guys before but never with them because when I realized it I came out. Then dad offed and I couldn't talk to Eugene about it so I offed and it's not like I was wanting to find someone after that."

"Why are you here and not with him?"

"Yeah," Kostya looks down, "good question."

"What are you like having Oprah moment, help me with ice." They both shuffle to their feet, "You didn't even lock the door."

"Why would we lock the door, Eugene?"

"Because I told you to lock the door. Take the ice."

"I got the ice."

"You're spilling it all over the floor. Give it back."

"I told ya I got the ice."

"Yeah well you got the ice all over the floor. If I wanted ice to be on the floor-"

"What you'd go to a skating-"

"Skating what would I go skating for-"

"rink, I was going to say rink if you'd let me-"

"Sit down with little brother I let you do that. Go."

Kostya watches the exchange in vague amusement, Zia throwing up his hands and sitting on the couch to watch Eugene transfer the beers and half empty bottle of vodka into the ice bucket. It was sort of adorable, but he couldn't quite find the balls to say it with Eugene still in the room.

His older brother sits on the bed while Zia remains on the couch, mumbling to himself and shooting hopeful looks at Eugene.

"Hey guys, I got an idea."

~*~

Fifteen minutes later the three of them are on the side of the motel with three large buckets and a mass of ping pong balls. Kostya explains the rules. Throw the balls against the wall and try to get them into someone's bucket, each time a ball gets in the person has to drink the ghastly alcoholic mixture within it. If five balls fall into their bucket they have to chug the whole thing. Last person standing wins.

"When I was young we didn't play games to get drunk." Eugene says, lining up his bucket beside Zia's, "Drinking was the game, we earned the drink by sneaking it out of our grandmother's cabinet and not getting caught."

"Just go with it." Zia whispers, "I mean it sounds like fun."

"Frat boy bullshit. Should have never sent him to college."

"You guys ready?"

"Yeah, let's do it." Eugene grumbled

~*~

"You need a good boy…like Zia." Eugene says

The first game had gone quickly, Kostya the first to go leaving Zia and Eugene who had measured the shots more focused on winning than drinking. When five balls floated in Zia's bucket he'd drained it then walked to the edge of the parking lot and sat with his head spinning. Forgetting all talk of frat boy antics Eugene had sent Kostya for another bottle and tugged Zia up by the arm and insisted on another game before they passed out or fell asleep.

"Look, you accept that the world spins and you spin in opposite direction. It's logic."

"Yeah like you know a lot about logic or something."

But he'd gotten up, blinked at the swaying wall and played another round while Kostya watched from the sides. The balls had gotten lost in the darkness, but at that point only Eugene had been keeping score and gave it up to sit against the wall in between his brother and Zia.

"So I'm a good boy now?" Zia chews his nail off in disinterest

"Always were." Eugene grunts, placing a hand on the back of Kostya's neck, " He traveled miles for girl he loved. Watched her run off with nut job."

"Hey, listen, she didn't run off with the Messiah she just…followed him…everywhere" he scratched the side of his head, "I mean I don't know."

Kostya rests his head on his knees, "Zia's not really my type. No offense."

Zia waves the comment away, but Eugene looks insulted, placing his other hand on the back of Zia's neck and craning the other two men's heads towards one another, his eyes bloodshot

"How is he not your type? Doesn't set himself on fire during skiing race, not your type?"

"He didn't off by setting himself-"

"Same-"

"It isn't the same thing."

"Stubborn." Eugene spits, letting go of them, "Gets it from me."

"Yeah well if you like Zia so much why aren't you with him?"

"He is, don't you see him sitting right there." He blinks, "I don't know if I can."

Eugene's face is blank, ignoring Zia and looking at his brother, "You think I couldn't."

Kostya shrugs with the same lack of emotion, "I don't think anything, Gene."

"Doesn't take balls to be a fag. Ten guys offered to blow me once," he holds up both hands, "Ten. Show wasn't even good."

Zia groans, lifting his arm in a stretch, "Oh come on Eugene nobody cares how many guys want to blow you alright? And that's bull anyways. That's like some media bullshit that everybody wants to be with a guitarist."

"Guitarist and singer. I was front man. Tight pants, eyeliner, big guitar," he makes an insinuating gesture, "You telling me fags don't dig that?"

"How should I know?" Suddenly Zia finds two sets of dubious eyes on him and shifts slightly away to stare back at them, "You guys I'm not gay."

"Not even a little bit? On side maybe?"

"What! No. I was in love with Desire."

"Kostya was in love with Isabella."

"Maria."

"You telling me you've never been gay."

"No, well I mean I-I experimented in-"

"So you were gay."

'No, Eugene, experimenting doesn't make you gay. It's-It's not like the flu or something where you get it off and on for the rest of your life."

"You trying to protect my feelings? Saying you're not gay so you don't have to say you don't like me."

Zia gaped, "It's like you don't even have ears when I start talking."

"Zia-"

"I'm going inside." He stands, stumbling briefly against the wall before finding his equilibrium and stalking off

"Zia!" Eugene looked at Kostya and shrugged, "Denial. It's healthy."