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"It's Meredith," he repeated, his voice barely more than a whisper.
Everyone stopped and for the first time actually looked down at the victim on the gurney. They looked past the injuries, through the adrenalin and they saw her. Her slim, petite frame, her small hands and her blonde hair fanned out on the gurney. Yes, it was Meredith Grey.
"Page the Chief, page Bailey and someone page Nelson," Owen shouted as he took control of the situation and continued moving to the empty trauma room.
Derek didn't move. He couldn't. He wanted to follow Meredith, to run after the pack of doctors crowding round her and barking orders but he couldn't. His feet wouldn't move. He was sure he was telling his feet to move but they weren't obeying. How could this be happening to him again? How could he be losing her again? Had they not been through enough?
"Dr Shepherd," Kepner said, touching his arm. "We should go inside, we should…," she stopped talking when she saw his face. He wasn't taking in anything she was saying to him. She led him gently through the E.R and down the corridor towards trauma room one.
"I'm going to see how she's doing," she said, leaving him standing in the corridor, a lost look on his face.
Derek leant against the wall. It was as if history was repeating itself. Four years on and here he was, outside the same trauma room while his colleagues, his friends, worked to save his wife. Through the doors he could hear the raised, panicked voices and the slow beeping of the machines. He knew he should fight to get in the room but he wasn't sure if he could face seeing her that again. Over the years he had buried the image of Meredith, blue from the cold waters, fighting for her life. There was a time when the image of her dying was all he could see, was all he could think about. He remembered Mark sitting by him on the floor. All the hurt and betrayal of Marks affair with Addison forgotten as he'd reached over and briefly put a hand on Derek's arm. An intimate gesture born from years of friendship which at that moment in time had meant the world to him. Hurried footsteps coming down the corridor pulled him from his memories.
"Derek, is it true?" the Chief asked, although one look at the man's appearance answered the question for him. Tears were threatening to fall from the neurosurgeons eyes and the colour had drained from his face. Richard Webber headed towards the door of the trauma room and Derek followed.
"No Derek," he said, placing a hand on his chest. "I can't have you in there. You know that,"
"Richard I'm the head of neuro. I need to see her, to assess her," his fight was finally back. The dull feeling of shock had gone and been replaced with the urge to fight. He had to fight for her, to help her fight her way back to him.
"You can't. You're too close," His tone was kind yet forceful. "Nelson is good,"
"I'm the best, you know I am," There was no cockiness behind his comments, no inflated ego. It was just a statement of fact. "She deserves the best,"
"You're right, she does deserve the best and right now that's not you. Look at you. Be her husband Derek, not her doctor,"
Minutes seemed like hours as doctor after doctor poured into Meredith room. As each one opened the door to enter he would crane his head to look in but he couldn't make anything out as the crowd of doctors were creating a screen between husband and wife. Bailey had raced passed him, followed moments later by Nelson. "Shadow Shepherd" had glanced sadly, almost apologetically at Derek before entering the room.
Quiet sobbing approached him and he took his eyes off the door to see Lexie Grey standing beside him, appearing from no where.
"Is it Meredith? It can't be. I only saw her an hour ago. She was fine, she was…." the younger Grey was rambling, trying to process a wave of feelings and Derek just didn't have the energy or the words to comfort her. All he could do was nod. He didn't want to be out here dealing with tears and pain, he wanted to be in with Meredith. He wanted to be fix her so that all the sadness and worry would disappear and they could go back how they were. So that he could continue on with his day and then take his wife home after being discharged and look after her for a few weeks while her injuries mended. But Derek knew deep down, even in the state he was in, that he wouldn't be taking his wife home from the hospital that night. She's come into the hospital unconscious, her vitals were poor and who know knew how her condition had changed while he'd been denied access to her.
"Lexie," he said, putting his arm around her because he knew that's what Meredith would have wanted him to do. "Its going to be ok," He felt her body shaking as her sobbing increased and he pulled her into his arms. They stood together, drawing strength from each other until Mark approached them. He placed a hand on each of their shoulders and Derek gave him a tight lipped smile as he pulled away from Lexie. He stepped back and allowed Mark to fill the void he'd left and Lexie, too upset to remember her hurt at Mark's situation, buried her face in his chest.
As news spread around the hospital and Meredith's friends and fellow residents joined his vigil outside of the trauma room Derek was even more thankful for Marks presence. The thought of having to repeat things over and over again as another and another of her friends appear would have been too much to bear so he gratefully stood back and allowed Mark to inform each of them of the situation. After a while silence descended on the corridor as they waited for news.
Derek paced around her bed as the room full of people watched Meredith's unconscious body for the slightest of movement. Hours had passed since she'd come out of surgery and she still had not regained consciousness. The open wound on her stomach had been repaired by Owen and although it had looked horrific when she'd been brought into the hospital, had been mostly superficial. Lucky, was the word Owen had used when he'd updated Derek. He said that no major organs had been damaged and she'd been lucky. At the time he'd scoffed slightly to himself, not wanting to appear ungrateful at all the hard work, but angry at such a choice of word. Lucky? Nelson had ordered both a CT and MRI and had allowed Derek to look over the scans with him, something which he appreciated and would not forget. The prognosis on her brain injury hadn't been as good. The CT had shown contusions and, worried about intracranial pressure, Nelson chose to operate quickly.
As a surgeon Derek knew it could take a while for a patient to come round after surgery. It was something he'd told relatives countless times during his career but now he understand that time lost all meaning when you were waiting for a loved one to open their eyes. His eyes darted from Meredith to Cristina as he watched her stand up and move towards the door.
"I'm sorry," she stated to the room of people as she noticed Derek watching her. "I cant sit here anymore just waiting. I can't watch her just laying there. I have to cut or stitch or something,".
Owen looked helplessly at Derek. He was stuck between following his wife and being there for someone he now considered a friend. As if understand his conflict, Derek nodded at Owen and Owen left the room, closing the door gently behind him. Taking Cristina's place in the chair next to the bed Derek took Meredith's hand and squeezed it. He waiting for her to squeeze it back but he knew it was pointless. She just wasn't ready to wake up yet. He let his gaze wash over the other people in the room. Alex, although hiding it well, was struggling to deal with the situation. He guessed it was a result of all those months watching Izzie get sicker and sicker. Lexie, still holding on to Mark as if her life depended on it, was drifting in and out of sleep and Richard stood in the corner quietly taking in the situation.
Derek looked out of the window and was shocked to discover that night had fallen. What was it about hospitals that made you lose track of time? There were moments when a minute felt like an hour and then times when in a blink of an eye hours had passed. Suddenly feeling weary Derek let his head drop down onto the bed. His whole body felt dragged and slowly his eyes drifted closed. His body was just relaxing into sleep when he felt movement. Sitting up suddenly he wondered whether he'd dreamt it or if Meredith was finally waking up. He held his breath as he watched her and then just as he was beginning to think he'd imagined it he felt her hand move again.
"Meredith," he whispered, not wanting to startle her. "Meredith, can you hear me?"
The chief stepped forward and Mark gently woke Lexie up. He stood up and went in search of a nurse to page Nelson.
Everyone watched as slowly Meredith's eyes fluttered open. She squinted as the lights hurt her eyes and she looked round trying to focus. Confusion was etched on her face.
"Meredith, you were in an accident. But don't worry, you're going to be ok," the Chief said, relief ebbing from him as he tried to help her understand where she was.
Wide eyed, Meredith tried to take in her surroundings and the sea of anxious faces starting down at her. Her throat was dry and it hurt to try to form a word. She tried to speak but all she managed was a raspy crocking sound.
"Don't try to talk," Derek whispered. "It's ok. We're just glad you're ok," he squeezed her hand but he felt her tug it away and then move her body slightly away from him. She coughed slightly to clear her throat.
"Meredith?" He reached up to stroke a stray piece of her from her forehead but she flinched back before he could make contact with it. He looked at her face and she stared back at him, her eyes empty of feeling.
"Who are you?"
