Th' Lost Letters of Gan'a'f

(Befo'e Mr. Green Tights)

Dear E'f-Fella,

About thet thin' ah fo'got...

ah remember now. It was mah previous incounter wif two odd chareeckers. Not wif Mr. Green Tights, I'd nevah laid eyes, o' a nose, on him befo'e. This hyar deals wif t'other wizard, a real cheap-scape. Merlin, as enny fool kin plainly see. Yessuh, thet li'l pip-squeak thet hangs aroun' thet Arthur feller. Acshully, ah was mighty surprised t'find he hadn't been killed yet... so menny inemies he's accumulated, cuss it all t' tarnation. Oh fine... Th' fack is ah ran into him, dawgone it. Wal, ah didn't helter-skelter into him... acshully ah was sittin'. An' ah was roastin' mah patootees – thet was mah lunch yo' see. Okay, let me start at th' beginnin'...

ah was ridin' mah houn'dog (ah hadn't fallen off it at thet point) when ah passed by a mighty lovely lake. It was so purdy ah jest had t'stop an' stare at it fo' awhile. Th' waters were mighty peaceful, calm an' blue. It reminded me of yo', only yer not full of fish. (No, ah's not implyin' yer purdy – but thet yer calm an' peaceful – stoopid e'f; ah cain't believe ah had t'explain thet...)

Starin' at th' lake, mah stomach growled at me. Acshully, it also shook th' earth an' accidentally cuzd some li'l Volcano t'erupp on over some small city called Pompeii. (Stoopid Men built a city unner a volcano, ah's beginnin' t'reckon th' wo'ld is full of them type of varmints.) Ennyway, ah was hungry. So ah axed mahse'f, whar better t'eat lunch than next t'this lovely lake? Besides, eff'n ah had waited enny longer t'feed mah grumblin' stomach, it probably'd haf opened a crack in th' earth an' swallered up th' lake, an' me along wif it.

ah tied mah houn'dog t'a near by rock, spread out a Grey blanket, an' frowned.Outta th' co'ner of mah eye was th' hilt of a swo'd stickin' outta rock.

ah said, "Thet is mighty odd place t'put a swo'd, cuss it all t' tarnation."

Af'er tellyng mah stomach thet eff'n it shook th' earth agin ah w'dn't feed it fo' t'other two hundred years, ah walked on over t'th' rock an' touched th' hilt. Th' hilt didn't move an inch. ah frowned.

When Gan'a'f th' Grey touched sumpin, it moved, cuss it all t' tarnation.

ah said, "Thet is mighty VERY odd."

ah grabbed th' hilt an' pulled wif all mah stren'th, wrinklin' mah nose fo' fine measure. Th' swo'd popped out wif a hissin' soun'.

Whut in tarnation had looked like a lovely blade, ah was surprised t'find, turned out t'be a steamin', mutilated, metal stick wishin' it was a blade. ah frowned, whut a waste of time.

Turnin' back t'mah picnic, ah sneezed. Flames shot outta mah nose an' created a small li'l fire right beside mah blanket. Searchin' through mah pack ah got out some patootees, which ah had 'bo'rowed' fum some Hobbits. Lookin' at th' metal stick wif th' swo'd hilt, ah smiled, cuss it all t' tarnation. A great idea came t'me, as only great ideas kin.

ah stuck th' patootees on th' metal stick, stuck them on over th' fire, an' proceeded t'roast them as one roasted marshmallers. Mebbe th' metal stick warn't as useless as ah had origeenally thunk. Fry mah hide!

Ennyway, thar ah sat, roastin' mah patootees when th' groun' suddenly shook. Shet mah mouth! At fust ah began t'scold mah stomach, but then ah gasped as th' lake waters streamed upward in a speckacular show of sprayin' liquids an' sparklin' light. Amidst these streamin' waters was a mighty right purdy woomin decked in blue. Upon closer examinashun, she WAS blue. Her gown an' hair was flowin' water an' she was made outta thet which was th' sky. Her eyes shined like two li'l stars. Th' Lady of th' Lake.

ah held out mah noo roastin' stick an' axed mighty politely, "Patootie?"

Th' Lady looked at th' stick then back t'me in disbelief, like it was th' stoopidess quesshun she had evah heard. ah was insulted, it was a mighty sensible quesshun, cornsiderin' she lived in a lake an' probably th' only thin' she gotta ett was fish. An' let me tell yo', E'f-Fella, yo' kin git pow'ful tired of fish pow'ful fast.

She said in a voice like moosic, "Oh Merlin! Finally yo' haf come t'reclaim th' swo'd, Excalibur, fum th' stone."

Th' name Merlin rang a bell, but Excalibur? ah looked at th' stone wears mah roastin' stick had once sat. Then ah looked back at mah roastin' stick. Shet mah mouth!

ah said, holdin' up mah roastin' stick, "Yo' mean this?'"

Th' Lady gasped, "Excalibur! Fry mah hide! Whut in tarnation haf yo' done t'it!"

ah looked at mah roaster, "Looks mo'e like a 'Pathetic' t'me, but yo' kin call it whutevah yo' like."

Th' Lady shouted, " 'Pathetic?' Thet is Excalibur! Yo' destroyed Excalibur! Fry mah hide!"

ah said, "Oh, ah did? So'ry about thet, but it was kind of stuck in a rock..."

Th' Lady shook her haid, "Stoopid Man, as enny fool kin plainly see."

ah gasped in outrage, "Man? MAN! Fry mah hide! ah's a wizard, thank yo' mighty much!"

ah was so infuriated, ah wrinkled mah nose. Th' Lady an' her lake disappeared in a great flash. Probably sent t'some far off corntinent, o' mebbe even t'other planet. Less jest say ah was mighty grateful ah was not th' Lady of th' Lake thet day.

ah said, "Dang, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells! ah pow'ful haf gotta start a-gonna them Nasal He'p Groups. Thet's th' third time this hyar week! Fry mah hide!"

Sittin' down, ah quickly ett three patootees an' added two noo ones t'mah noo roaster. Suddenly th' bushes restled off in th' distance. ah wrinkled mah nose, but not fo' magical purposes. ah smelled th' sent of a lame wizard, Merlin! Fry mah hide! Merlin, allus th' chatter box, marched outta th' bushes, robes swin'in' wif his wild an' unsteady pace. Follerin' behind him was a yo'nger feller wif a crown of gold, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah thunk this hyar was mighty odd, cornsiderin' th' race of Men had no kin', then ah sar who he was. Kin' Arthur fum th' court of Camelot! Fry mah hide! Merlin marched in mah direckshun, then spotted th' lake. Wal, now mo'e of a bone dry pit, but ennyway...

Merlin cried in terro', "Th' lake! Th' lake!"

Th' pore man looked so depressed ah held out mah roaster, "Patootie?"

Merlin whacked mah patootees wif th' back side of his han', sendin' them into th' dest. Mah stomach lurked an' shook th' groun', annoyed, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah patted it an' muttered, 'ah knows he's rude, but he's a Man, remember?' ah w'd nevah call Merlin a wizard, cuss it all t' tarnation.

Th' patootees flew into mah han' wif a wink of mah eye, an' ah dested them off wif mah bard, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah offered one t'th' kin', "Patootie?"

Kin' Arthur shook his haid, "No, but thank yo' fo' axin'."

ah shrugged an' popped t'other one into mah mouth. As ah munched on mah patootie ah said - spewin' patootie bits as Gimili spews lugies, "Needs butter."

Merlin, nevah payin' attenshun t'me, cried, "Whut in tarnation has happened t'th' lake!"

ah swallered th' patootie in one trimenjus gu'p an' piped up, "So'ry, but thet was me."

Merlin looked at me in shock, "But whut happened t'th' Lady of th' Lake?"

ah scratched th' back of mah haid, "Oh, thet was kind of me, too."

Merlin whirled aroun' in ho'ro', "Whut in tarnation!"

ah shrugged, "ah didn't mean to, it jest so't of happened, cuss it all t' tarnation."

Merlin exclaimed, "Oh, so yo' jest happened t'aim some gun at her an' shoot her full of lead?"

ah blinked, "Gun? Whut in tarnation is a gun? ah used mah nose."

Kin' Arthur brightened up, "Yo' used yer nose? Thet's mighty awesome!"

ah nodded, "Yessuh, ah doesn't use guns. Gun, soun's like a sissy weapon t'me. Let me guess, they're made by th' elves?"

Arthur's eyes widened, igno'in' mah other quesshun, "Yer an even greater wizard than Merlin! Fry mah hide! Pray tell, whut is thy name?"

ah blinked, "Oh me? ah's Gan'a'f th' Grey. Notice all th' Grey..."

Merlin interrupped, "Oh, who cares whut his name is! Come, Arthur! Fry mah hide! Excalibur awaits!"

ah pointed t'mah roaster jest as Merlin spotted th' emppy rock, "Oh, thet'd be this. It kind of busted."

Merlin's eyes popped open, as enny fool kin plainly see. Arthur, not carin' one bit, stood off t'th' side an' watched wif interess as Merlin went into t'other fit.

Merlin gasped, "Yo' busted it! Fry mah hide!"

ah sighed, 'Wal, technically ah didn't bust it... cornsiderin' it was stuck in a rock...'

Merlin exclaimed, grabbin' Excalibur fum mah han', "It was supposed t'be in a rock! Fry mah hide!"

Then he began t'sob. Well bust mah britches an' call me streaker. Arthur whispered in mah ear, "So'ry about him, he's a bit pathetic."

ah nodded, "Kind of like his swo'd thar."

Merlin sobbed louder, he blew his nose on his bard, cuss it all t' tarnation.

ah winced, "Is he allus like this?"

Arthur shrugged, "Don't knows mahse'f, he jest started follerin' me aroun' one day. Put a crown on mah haid an' turned me into a kin'. ah didn't be hankerin' t'be a kin', yo' know. ah jest wanted t'be a Pig-Fella, but no... Merlin'dn't hear of Arthur th' Pig-Fella..."

ah scratched mah bard an' was so busy reckonin' ah wrinkled mah nose. Merlin's hair disappeared, cuss it all t' tarnation. Merlin put his han's up t'his haid in shock an' amazement.

Arthur cried out, "Righteous!"

ah said, "Oopsy. It's mah nasal powers, they haf a mind of their own, as enny fool kin plainly see."

Merlin turned on me, "How dast yo'...!"

ah info'med him, "Not I, mah nose. Thar's a difference yo' know."

Merlin began rantin' an' ravin'. Kin' Arthur an' ah igno'ed him, dawgone it. ah held up a patootie t'th' Kin', "Now does yer hankerin' a patootie? ah reckon we'll be hyar awhile."

Legolas, whut happened af'er thet ah's not sho'nuff. Kin' Arthur an' ah spoke of menny thin's, politics, th' economah, th' velocity of an unladen African Sparrow, whuffo' bananas is yeller... ah guess ah muss haf dozed off. Fo' when ah awoke, both Arthur an' Merlin were gone. Ennyhow, thet was mah adventure. Af'er thet ah jumped back upon mah houn'dog, an' rode into th' fo'ess to fall off mah houn'dog an' helter-skelter into Mr. Green Tights.

Wal, ah muss begin on mah journey agin. Fo' now thet ah have lost mah houn'dog, ah have been travelin' much slower. ah tried t'steal a houn'dog, but then these other real houn'dogs chased me up a tree. Most unpleasant.

Goo'bye! Legolas, may yer journeys be less... odd, cuss it all t' tarnation.

Gan'a'f th' Grey. Seriously, yo'd reckon someone'd notice all th' Grey...

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Pore Gan'a'f gittin' chased up a tree... Muss ah say 'please review' o' is thet already implied?

Thet was quite nice, but only one thin' has been buggin' me... Do yo' reckon ah sh'd haf t'other chareeckers (sech as Merlin an' Kin' Arthur) speak in Redneck as well? Or sh'd ah make them speak in crazy British accents?

Melpomene: Glad they made you laugh. I think of the Letters as just pure weirdness shoved into a Redneck hat.

Anawey: Yeah... they are interesting... Who would have thought of Gandalf in Redneck? (Me! Pick me!)

Glorfindel34: lol – your poor mother...

Legolas's Girl 9: Go Rednecks! Fry mah hide!

OobecGee: There, I changed the title... hope you can review now! I was going to change it to Gandalf the Red(neck) – but it wouldn't let me do that... so now I'm stuck with using " " - pooey.
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