This weeks episode broke my heart. Notice at every season finale so far that Clarke has killed a bunch off people with a pull of a lever?

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i watch as everyone is going into camp Jaha. I feel the tears welling up as I close my eyes. I can still feel the pull of the lever as I signed the mountain men's death. It was over, but was it worth it? Was it worth the lives that I just took?

I look up and I see my mom being taken into the ship. I see everyone that my choice saved. It was worth it. Even if I am now a murderer it was worth it. My people are now safe.

i close my eyes again. This time when I open them I am greeted by Bellamy.

"come inside." He said.

"I can't." I say as I look back out to everyone. "I'm leaving." I see the hurt in his eyes.

"are you looking for forgiveness?" He asked me. I could see the fire flashed in them. "Because I can give you that. I forgive you. You are forgiven." He said as his chocolate brown eyes darkened.

"No." I said with a shake of my head. "I did it for them. I will bare that so they don't have to. But I can't stay." As he keeps looking at me I feel my resolve melting. How can I leave him? Bellamy is my everything. He is my rock.

"What are you going to do?" He asked with a shake of his head.

That is the million dollar question isn't it. "I don't know." I answered truthfully.

"Be safe." He whispered.

I gave him a hug. He was slow to hug back but when he did it felt like he didn't want to let go. I had tears in my eyes when I kissed his cheek. I could feel the hairs that were starting to grow there. They were rough against my lips. I reluctantly stepped back away from him. I could see the tears swimming in his eyes.

"take care of them." I could feel my heart breaking as I turned around and started leaving.

I didn't look back till I got to the tree line. What was I gonna do? I looked and saw Bellamy's figure still rooted to where I left him.

"I love you." I whispered as I turned away and made my way down the hill.