Authors Note- Yay, second chapter. Someone (VeronikaB) left a funny review regarding Harry's dragon hide boots, Smaug and Harry's general badassery. It spurned this next chapter. I hope you nejoy and I apologise for any mistakes in advance.


Warnings- BAMF!Harry, Regal!Teddy, Babysitter!Goblins and...Little Mia


Chapter Two: Drunken Times


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The weather was melancholic which was perfect for her because at the moment she needed to have a muggle movie scene where everything is dark and mysterious and rain is pouring down on that one troubled girl who cried in the rain because her life was so hard. Currently that girl was Harry. She was a little upset that there was no sad violin music in the background to accompany her bad mood but she was content with mother natures will to play along.

Harry stood outside the cave entrance to her new kingdom and wondered How in Tommy boy's black girly diary did this happen?

Which was stupid because the ugly goblins had told her but could she really trust them? Could she really believe that she had knocked out the previous monarch while completely drunk? Well, yes to the latter but the point still stands and if what they said was true- what little she could pick out from the many voices yelling the story at her- Hermione was right. Again. Like always. Damn.

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The night was young as was she, the moon glowing brightly, the star shining above; the perfect setting to get drunk. She had eighteen bottles ready to be shrunk down and placed her handy dandy pocket, she looked fabulous, Hermione was glaring at her from the left, the-

"Merlins balls! Mia what are you doing here? I thought you were off doing extremely kinky things with your new husband- because I don't know if you know this but with Ron's self esteem issues he may be a little dominant in the bedroom." The young auror paused, ignoring her friends slightly horrified look. "But I suppose with how dominant you are yourself, you would like that eh?"

"W-what?" The bushy haired newly wed spluttered, face a glowing pink.

Harry waved a dismissing hand breezily. "It's normal, every girl wants to dominated at some point. It's quite literally a point of being female, doesn't give us a real fighting chance now that I think about. I just figured since he's the sub in day to day life, he'd be the one exerting control between the sheets. He must like that, childhood and all." She mused thoughtfully.

Hermione had an almost glazed look in her eyes that had Harry snickering, "Haven't tried that yet? Guess not."

This seemed to snap her out of her reverie as she assumed the just mentioned dominate pose of females everywhere. Her hip cocked to the side as she placed more weight on her left leg, her arms briefly crossed underneath her chest before her hands fisted and rested at her hips, hair crackling with magic like static electricity. Dominance, yeaaah.

"Harriet Lily James Potter, do you know what alcohol does to you?!" The brightest witch of her age began her rant.

In fact, Harry had received that rant a total of sixteen times now and had therefore had it memorized word for word. She knew exactly what alcohol did to her, all credit due to her lovable walking encyclopedia of a friend but instead of telling her this she gave a lazy shrug- she would never tell anyone she spent many, many nights in front of a mirror practicing her now established, lazy grace- and drawled, "Do tell."

You knew it was something when a woman like Hermione- who was very proficient in giving lectures and by default had an amazing lung capacity- had needed to take a large intake of breath. "You are putting your body and health in jeopardy!" Harry wanted to laugh here, but didn't think her friend would appreciate it.

"Shall we start with the Excretory System? Alcohol abuse-" It was at this point Harry tuned the long wined spiel out, she had heard it all before and knew that this could last a while. She appreciated that Hermione was just worried for her but some times she couldn't help but feel coddled. Sort of, not really, now that she thought about it maybe Hermione was just projecting because she couldn't have alcohol herself, but why? I mean it wasn't as if anyone was stopping he- holy kraken, could it be?

"Are you pregnant?" She blurted out, interrupting what she assumed was the one of the points of alcohols effect on the digestive system.

"Harry! I'm not projecting! And I regret the day I ever told you what that was!" Hermione, was clearly annoyed but Harry was just wonder bound by how psychic-y her best friend was- she may have also already started on the fire whiskey.

"I'm serious Harry, alcohol dulls the senses and your thought process goes everywhere. What if you got drunk enough to agree to some stupid bet about braking into the department of mysteries and you go running around in child like awe about all the mysteriousness of it all, pick up a broken time turner and some weird but beautiful glowing stone whose origins and powers are completely unknown because it had mysteriously arrived during the middle ages without any warning and a burst of light and thought it was a good idea to play toss with it and throw it around by yourself and for some unexplained reason the magic in the stone and time turner connected and you are transported to some world where you are made queen and that stupid stone stalks you because you are now bonded through odd magic." Hermione's hands fluttered about the place as she told her story.

"That was oddly specific. What's the likely hood of that actually happening?"

She received a flat look and an equally toneless, "This is you Harry." Apparently this was enough of an answer.

"Psh! As if. Honestly Mia, are you sure you haven't hit the rocks yourself? I mean, dwarves?" Harry waved another dismissing hand with a laugh.

Hermione frowned, "I didn't say anything about dwarves. Especially thirteen of them."

Now it was Harry's turn to frown but she shrugged, "I am tired, but really a man-child against a dragon?"

"Huh?"

"Huh?"

"Huh."

Awkward.

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"Dammit, I hate foreshadowing." Harry hissed in frustration as she shook a hand up to the stars. "I blame you and your psychic-y-ness Mia, all your fault."

"Now that's no way to speak to me Harry, I warned you."

Ducking her head to let her waterfall of curls hide her face as she muttered her apologies. "Sorry Mia."

"That's okay Harry, you know I still think of you as a sexy genius no matter what you say. I love you in a completely platonic way with a side of arse oogling on my part."

Harry gave a saucy wink at the twig that had been transfigured into a puppetised Hermione. It was a decent job, a small former house themed scarf around her wooden neck, a red dress that the life sized one would never on her life wear and her bushy main flared out dramatically. Harry pulled the strings accordingly to make the little Mia roll her eyes.

"As friends, jeez." Harry mimicked Little Mia making an annoyed groan, "You're such a pervert Harry. Though sometimes I imagine you naked while your wearing your really tight Auror uniform."

"Oh wow reall-"

"As friends Harry!" Little Mia rolled her eyes once more before looking serious. "But honestly, we should make out some time."

Harry frowned, completely engrossed. "Uh, what about Ron. Aren't you marr-"

"I meant as friends! Merlin you really are a pervert."

Harry rubbed the back of her neck, "I don't, okay, sorry."

"You better be, but to be perfectly clear- we should go for world domination."


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It was with little Mia that Harry finally gathered the courage to approach the goblins who had been watching her and Mia with disbelieving fascination. This of course prompted Harry into telling them all that Mia was married and that she as their queen, was just not interested in peasants, not really, she just didn't go for green and stinky. They didn't make her lady parts tingle and her teeth want to sink into skin or her tongue want to- yeah.

Harry spoke with them, yelled at them, apologized like the little Britt she was and then yelled at them some more. These Goblins were idiots and far from the brilliant business men and women they were in her world, because clearly this was not her world. But, if there was anything Harry was good at, it was rolling with the punches. She had gotten so used to magical bullshit that she now grew fidgety when something wasn't happening. A big reason as to why she had joined the Aurors instead of going back to school in her final year- and despite this, she learned more in her Auror courses than she would in any classroom.

"So.." Harry drawled as she picked up the bone crown that sat upon her head, lazily inspecting it from different angles. "This is what makes me queen and what basically translates my words into your language which is?"

"A variant of the Black Speech." A small goblin answered from the ones that surrounded her badass throne, which coincidentally -or not, how many people did they kill for this thing?- was also made up of bones. She didn't know how she felt about that but considering there was nothing she could about it and there were far more important things to think about, she ignored it.

Black Speech. It was a rather apt name for the language that could be the lingual version of having your head cut off with a blunt fork but not before having your soul ripped out of your lungs. Brilliant, well done you, well done. Harry rather hoped the creator of Black Speech was burning in hell while little demons prodded at their arse with the same pitch forks they were using to roast marshmallows. It was a satisfying picture.

Little Mia rubbed her bushy mane against Harry's pale neck from her place on Harry's shoulder, "Oh Harry, you have the imagination of David Bowie." She simpered.

Harry frowned, "Seventies David Bowie or eighties David Bowie?"

Little Mia patted her cheek sweetly, "Seventies."

"Why thank you Mia," Harry grinned before turning on her new subjects who stared at her with just a little more understanding before. Clearly their new queen was insane. "So can you understand Mia?" She gestured to her adorable puppet love- ah, friend.

Many heads shook in the negative, some nodded looking dopey as hell, others just looked confused like they didn't understand anything apart from killy-killy-stabey-stabey. "No, Mi'lady. You're speech sounds the same but we only understand what you are saying." Some goblin finally answered.

Harry clicked her tongue with a thoughtful hum. "So if I relinquish my crown, drop it or even lose direct contact with it, I won't be able to understand you and you wouldn't be able to understand me?"

"Yes, and we would kill you." An old Goblin answered, "You are only our leader so long as you have the crown in your grasp. It was how you got the position in the first place." It didn't matter what world you were in, old people were either extremely nice or extremely rude.

"Yeah about that..." Harry skirted.

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"Yeeew think I'm crazy, don't cha?" Harry drunkenly swayed, the goblins that had carted her in were now used as crutches as she tried to see straight. "Cause I know yew doooo. Everyones sayin' how-how-how poor little Potter iz on a, whatta day call it? Wait, what was I talkin' bout?"

The goblin king sneered, his great club swinging down to point at the drunk witch causing his chins to wobble and spurning a laugh from Harry. "They jiggle! Like jelly!" Her laughter suddenly stopped as a disgusted expression took its place. "Second thought, ew, tha's gross and I've had troll snot on me mate."

"Child of man, you will die." The goblin king roared with a laugh, spittle flying everywhere as his subjects all went wild with excitement but at this point Harry was bored and couldn't understand a thing he was saying but she recognized the giant club with metal spikes so she pulled out her wand without the use of magic.

With blurry eyes and her tongue stuck out in concentration she pointed her wand at the goblin with two hands, growing annoyed at what sounded like insults. "Oi shut it foreigners! I'm tryin' to blow up the ugly one." She scrunched up her nose and looked to the thin air beside her, "Ew, not like that."

It only took one expelliarmus and the fat body of the goblin king was repelled backwards...without his crown. Crouching down to pick up the cluster of bones, Harry popped the hair fixture on top of her head, not giving the still conscious large goblin a second look.

"Tch, tourists." She muttered.

She sat on the large chair that the goblin king had occupied and snuggled into her leather duster, Auror issue and mumbled, "Now don't make a sound. Iz nap time."

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"Like I said, sorry." Harry apologized half heartedly all the while waving her wand around her head and the crown on it, placing as many sticking charms as possible, ignoring the little Mia who was cooing at the crown with large brown eyes. Invisible hands controlling her actions, namely Harry's magic.

There was no way in the seven hells that this crown would be leaving her head now, nope, nada, never. "So question number- you know what I've lost count but, how exactly was this crown made." Because if this thing wasn't magic then she was the pink feather boa Dumbledore kept hidden in his closet. Wink wink.

"Sorcery." Close enough.

Harry clapped her hands together in satisfaction jostling little Mia, "Great! And where be the wizards and witches?" Her question was meet with silence and just when she was about to groan from frustration she was answered almost hesitantly, which was weird considering so far the little ones were like tiny dogs wanting a treat from her, some of them resembled dogs too- their faces at least.

"There are five wizards. The White wizard, the Grey, the Brown and the two Blue wizards. They are called wizards in Westron but all of the dark know them for what they are. Maiar- spirits that serve the Valar in the form of men. There was once another but he has fallen to shadow and lies dormant." There was a hush as the goblins seemed to stare into their memories.

Dormant. That was what caught her attention. Not dead, dormant. As if these goblins were expecting this dark wizard without a color at this point, to just wake up one day and terrorize the country side. And if her experience with dark wizards kept true, then that's exactly what would happen.

"And where exactly does this dark wizard lie?" She questioned softly.

The goblin who answered her previously did so once more. "There are whispers amongst the Orks. They say the necromancer has already awakened, that he gains strength every passing day."

With calculating eyes she watched them, so still was her body that the smaller goblins squirmed uncomfortably. Those that were alive should not be that still. It was a tactic she learned from her time as an Auror. Before long she let an easy smile slip on. "Well, I once killed a dark wizard, a few times actually. I wont go out of my way to kill this one- had enough of that thank you- but, if he comes for you, it is my duty as your sovereign to protect you. Aye?"

There was disbelieving silence before somewhere a rock dropped and a crowd just shy of a thousand goblins roared with agreement. Applause sounded around the cavern tunnels and echoed into the sky. There were even a few battle cries.

Harry let them have their fun before clapping her hands together in the same fashion a school teacher would to get the attention of her students. "Super, now, no kingdom of mine is going to look so much like a graveyard."

It was time for some clean up. A little magic and hey presto, this mine could be something. Still Harry couldn't shake the thought of missing something. Something big. Something important.

She shrugged, ah well. "Buckets and mops my makeshift house elves, buckets and mops!"

"I love it when you take charge Harry!" Little Mia fluttered her lashes alluringly.

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The goblin ladies all sat around their table made of- once more, bones- and mud, all sipping delicately at their drink as if partaking from fine china instead of the leveled off human skulls they were indeed drinking from.

"Ah, is the young prince-ling hungry?" One such lady cooed over the young royal that lay quietly in her arms, bundled up in a blanket of fine fleece with runes stitched across the edges. His doe amber eyes blinked unimpressed up at their grotesque faces as if to say 'plebeian, where is my magnificent mother of magic' but cutely because he was adorable.

This only caused the goblin women to laugh uproariously. "He shall make a fine king after her majesty!" One huffed.

"Aye, we'll teach him to crush the skulls of his enemies and drink their blood in victory, fashion their innards into mantle pieces, turn their skin into books and how to make fire with those books. But of course, not until he has reached his fourth year." The gobliness paused for a moment full of pride, her tone reflecting this, "After all, our queen has given us this duty we must 'look after Teddy-kins until nap time is over'."

Another scoffed. "Of course we shall wait until his fourth year, what are we? Barbarians?" They all laughed daintily, their meaty hands moving to cover their mouths as they did so.

The pink haired toddler just wanted his milk.