Chapter Deuce

"Like David Bowie?" Buffy asked hopefully.

"Shhh!" Xander hissed, "we don't want to be caught without weapons."

"Goblins are small evil little creatures with warty froglike skin," Willow explained quietly, "they befoul whatever area they're in and love to torture, kill and eat anything weaker than themselves, not necessarily in that order."

"Bring on the muppets," Buffy whispered fiercely, "but first, get me a big rock."

"I can probably make you a stone headed hammer without too much trouble," Xander offered as they snuck off, not making a sound until they'd been walking for at least a quarter of an hour.

"That'd be great," Buffy said brightly, "because for some reason my palms are itching for a hammer."

"Xander?" Willow asked.

"I put hammer as her weapon of choice. Clubs are simpler to make and easier to find, but dwarven warhammer's have abilities and bonuses that are damn hard to beat." Xander set Willow down on the bank of a river and waded into the water. "For now you'll have to settle for a water polished rock on a stick."

Buffy took a seat on a boulder beside Willow. "Is it hard to find dwarven warhammers?"

"Most city's will have a weaponsmith or two that'll have a couple lying around," Xander responded. "Swords are easy to find everywhere, so I made sure you had at least one rank in it, but you'll always prefer hammers, being unnaturally skilled in them."

"Unnaturally skilled?" Buffy asked.

"Being a cleric there are certain restrictions to what you can wear and still cast clerical spells, so I added some additional limitations in armor use; putting the extra points into Dodge, Tumble and Ricochet," he replied as he picked up and examined different rocks.

"Ricochet?"

"He made you into Captain America," Willow guessed, "you can do flips and rolls to avoid getting hit and can throw your hammer with every expectation of getting it to bounce back to your hand."

"You'd actually need a hammer of returning for that," Xander said as he set a rock the size of his fist on the shore. "She can nail an opponent and use the reflected momentum to smack another close enemy and I had to limit her to studded leather armor to get that. I had planned on using my startup money to get her a ring of regeneration, since I don't need much equipment, to make up for it."

"Works for me," Buffy said agreeably, "so, what else do I have?"

"You know a lot about gnomes," Willow offered, "I had to give you a lot of proficiencies based around gnomish tinkerers so you would know enough about alchemy to make flash and smoke pellets."

"Cool, not real useful until we get to a city, but cool all the same," Buffy said as she suddenly remembered her skills in that area. "How about you two?"

"I gave Xander skills in ancient languages, runes, history etc," Willow said, "he's a regular Indiana Jones."

"And I made Willow a spell researcher, meaning she can read and write magic like it's her native language and develop her own spells," Xander said.

"Not quite that easily, but not far off," Willow admitted.

"Xander, look out!" Buffy yelled, and only Willow's grip stopped her from jumping into the water after him.

Xander spun around and found himself facing a naiad who resembled Willow for some reason. He could tell she was a naiad because of the way he could only see the top half of her body, tastefully clothed with a touch of seaweed to show off her breasts, while the lower half of her body faded into invisibility in the water. Almost against his will he couldn't help but say, "Why granny, what large breasts you have."

"Xander!" Willow and Buffy chorused.

The naiad froze for a second and then checked her reflection in the water. "I don't look that old … do I?" she asked worriedly.

"No, you look fine," Xander promised her, "I was using a line from a story, paraphrased a bit."

"A story?" the water nymph asked curiously.

Xander ignored Buffy and Willow's cries to get out of the water and proceeded to tell her the story of Little Red Riding Hood, complete with voices.

The naiad laughed like the tinkling of bells as Xander finished the story, "That was a good tale even if I'd have preferred the wolf winning instead of that awful woodcutter."

"Well it all depends on the type of woodcutter doesn't it?" Xander asked, "if he's a wise woodcutter he only cuts and takes away deadwood to make room for new growth and help prevent fires."

"Usually the elves handle things like that for the forests they lair in, and they'd get more than a little turbulent at being described as woodcutters."

"We can always change the woodcutter to a ranger then, and we should probably change the wolf to a wolfwere to make it more accurate."

"Now that is a brilliant story," the naiad said, "so from the comment on my breasts you were in fact admiring them and suggesting they were a lure to trap you?"

"Well they are large and a very nice shade of blue," Xander said, "and I've heard stories of naiads dragging off attractive young men to have their way with them."

The naiad laughed, "That is true, but I'm afraid my tastes run more toward elves than minotaurs, even ones with such exceptional attributes."

Xander jumped as if goosed and blushed.

"No, I was just curious as to what you were doing."

"Ah, well I'm trying to make my friend a hammer so she can help me clear out a goblin nest we found."

"You're planning on getting rid of the goblins?" she asked hopefully.

"Yep," Xander said agreeably, "goblins make a complete mess of any area they're in so we're planning on getting rid of them but a miscast teleport dropped us here without weapons or even clothes, so I'm trying to improvise."

"If it'll get rid of the goblins I'll be glad to help," the naiad offered, "they keep befouling sections of my river and it takes me all day to get it clean again."

"I don't suppose you have any hammers or footwear?" Xander asked hopefully.

"I've collected a lot of things people have left in my river," the naiad offered, "would you like to look at them?"

"Sure," Xander replied, "lead the way."

The naiad pulled Xander under the water as he quickly cast Water Breathing on himself as the river blurred around them. She sped them to her home in a deep pool at a bend in the river some miles away.

The river's currents had carved a cave under the water, probably at her urging and she pulled him into it as if he was no more than a leaf.

The cave opened up into a marvelous grotto, filled with air and piles of items lit by glowing fungi on the walls.

Xander took a deep breath and blew water out of his gills, ending the spell early, so he could climb out of the water and look around. "This is a very nice place you have here."

"Thank you," she said, pulling herself atop a bed of reeds that floated atop the water.

Xander knew nature spirits could be somewhat fickle, so he quickly searched for the bare minimum they needed, finding a hammer, a sword, and two pairs of boots that seemed completely undamaged by the humid climate in the cave." I think these should feel our needs nicely."

"I'm glad I could help," the naiad said, "and speaking of filling needs..."

"Ummm, I thought I wasn't your type?" Xander asked nervously, not wanting to end up trapped down here.

"I'm a bit tired of fish and I thought I could try a little beef for a change," she said with a leer and a pointed look at his waist.

"I thought you liked male elves?"

"Silly, there's no such thing as male elves. Can't I play with it a bit?"

Xander almost groaned as "it" began to rise, like it wanted to peek out of his kilt and see who was talking about it. "We are in kind of a rush,"

"I don't plan on keeping you long, just an extra half hour or so?" she asked with a hopeful look.

Xander blinked. "Well I suppose I can stay for a little while..."

0oOo0

Willow quickly sang, "A journey for a young man so plucky, let's hope he gets really lucky!" as Xander got drug under the water.

"Should we be panicking?" Buffy asked, "and what was that you just sung?"

"I think she's just taking him to her lair, so he can look through her things. He should be fine, but just in case I cast a spell to make sure he has luck on his side," Willow replied, "it's not much, just nudges probability a bit – but that can really help on the reaction tables."

"Oh, ok..." Buffy said, "so tell me about how all this works since we probably have a while to wait depending on how far she lives from here."

"Oh, well the ones to watch out for are the ones who have any resemblance to frogs. They are evil and must be killed immediately! For instance lizardmen are like lizards, but they also have a similar coloration to what you'll see in toads which are frog's evil cousins and not to be trusted..."

0oOo0

Xander surfaced, not bothering with the water breathing spell this time and waded toward the shore where Willow had been explaining about some of the more common monsters.

"Xander!" Willow called out in relief, "I'm glad you're okay, I was getting worried."

"Relax sister," the naiad said, rising up from the water, "I know he is yours and I do not poach." With a wave she slipped beneath the waters and vanished.

"Sister?" Buffy asked curiously.

Willow shrugged. "No idea but she did look a lot like me."

Xander handed the weapons and boots to the girls. Willow emptied the water from the boots and set them to dry while Buffy cooed over the shiny silver warhammer like it was a puppy, despite the fact that it looked like a prop from the latest Thor movie.

"So, what took so long?" Willow asked curiously as she pulled the sword from its sheath and examined it; a thick three foot long blade with a line of shimmering runes down the center of it.

"I had to commune with nature to restore my spells," Xander said, realizing as he said it that his spells were recharged and wondering exactly what Willow had written on his sheet that he'd missed.

"I'm going to call you Major," Buffy said, talking to the warhammer.

"According to the elven runes this sword is named Bright Berries," Willow said.

"And what your name be sweet thing?" the sword asked in a deep baritone, shocking everyone.

"Willow," she offered confoundedly.

"A beautiful name for a beautiful girl," the sword purred, "and such long and graceful fingers too..."

"A talking sword?" Buffy asked.

"I don't just talk honey, I sing!" the sword declared before bursting into song, "I'm gonna make love to ya woman, lay you down by the fire, caress your heavenly body, make you moan and perspire!"

Willow quickly sheathed the sword and everyone just sat there in silence for a minute.

"I hope he's not going to claim to be a lover not a fighter," Buffy said.

"How..." Willow began, but trailed off as they all looked at the pommel of the sword.

"How… phallic," Buffy muttered.

"Elves, go figure," Xander said.

"I'm not drawing him unless I have to," Willow said red-faced. "I need gloves..."

"Okay, change of topic!" Buffy declared brightly, "More info on goblins and some plans would be nice."

"Goblins like to coat their blades in dung, so any wounds you get will be infected..." Willow explained, glad to talk about something else.

"Dirty tricks, traps, and overwhelming foes with large numbers are all they have going for them," Xander added, "since I can regenerate, I'll play tank and draw their fire while you two mop up everything I miss and guard my back."

"Are they nocturnal?" Buffy asked.

"No, but they tend to nap in the middle of the day because dawn and dusk are their favorite times to ambush people," Willow explained.

"So attack now or at night?"

"Now," Xander said, "you really don't want them to find you sleeping or have time to plan an ambush."

"Take out the goblins, rescue the prisoners, raid the lair, and camp for the night," Willow said, "standard plan for dealing with goblins."

"Prisoners?" Buffy asked, wondering what she'd missed.

"They always have prisoners," Willow replied, "in a goblin camp we generally have a thief or assassin sneak around to free them before we attack, but it's almost impossible to do that in caves, so we have to ignore the prisoners or the goblins will slaughter them to make us angry, so we'll rush in and they can trap us."

"The prisoners should be our first priority," Buffy said firmly.

"In real life, yeah," Willow admitted, "but remember this is a game."

"How do we win?"

"Survive to the end of the game and accomplish all the objectives," Willow replied, "in our case we have to find the Scepter of Endings, of course to do that we have to search every keep and tower on the board and that means a lot of fighting. To survive we're going to have to be strong and smart."

"I put … put three towers and five keeps on the board," Buffy admitted with a wince.

"Good, that means more experience and treasure are available, if we find an amulet of ESP or something similar we'll be able to find the scepter a lot easier," Xander replied.

"And enough XP means we can get powerful enough to cast spells that'll have the same effects," Willow added.

"You guys aren't mad?" Buffy asked.

"You had no way of knowing," Xander pointed out.

"And we both swore never to get mad at a friend because of a magic … err hallucination of a game," Willow said.

Buffy opened her mouth, but Xander shook his head, letting her know not to ask.

"You're our friend, we love you," Willow said, resolve face firmly in place.

"And that covers the beating ourselves up portion of the day," Xander said resolutely, "now we go to the beating up goblins portion; try on the boots and let's get to steppin'."

Buffy waved for Willow to choose first, a little teary eyed from Willow's declaration.

Willow slipped on a pair of greenish brown boots that looked and felt like they were made of suede, before handing Buffy a pair of black boots that were made from something with scales.

Buffy slipped on the boots and took a few steps to see how they felt while Willow did the same.

"Anything?" Xander asked.

"Boots of Elvenkind," Willow replied, "I'm walking through grass and leaves with no crackle or trace."

"How can I tell what they are and is everything magical?" Buffy asked.

"Just tell us how they feel and we can probably tell you what they are," Xander answered, "and not everything is magical, but anything non magical and non-waterproof would have rotted or rusted away in a naiad's lair."

"Makes sense," Buffy agreed, "well I'm feeling a bounce in my step and very light on my feet, but you can hear me walking and see footprints behind me."

"Try running and jumping," Willow suggested.

Buffy bent her knees and leapt ten feet in the air, doing a double somersault before landing. "Whoa..."

"Try running," Xander reminded her and Buffy took off like a cheetah off for her morning jog.

"Boots of Striding and Leaping," Willow decided.

"Magical footwear," Buffy enthused, "I am so loving this game."

Xander lead the way back towards the cave. "Willow I put all of your rogue skills in find and remove traps, pick locks, and spider climb, so keep an eye out."

"No hide in shadows or backstab?" Willow asked, disappointment coloring her tone.

"Nope, this game you are practically the opposite of an assassin, you are loud, proud and straightforward as befits a bard of celestial descent."

"What kind of celestial am I descended from?" Willow asked.

"I didn't check, I just switched it from infernal to celestial."

Willow laughed.

"What?" Buffy and Xander chorused.

"I was going to play an assassin who was part succubus, to make it easier to get close to my targets, so you have just changed me into a part celestial succubus, which no doubt would have caused some disturbance upstairs and led to me being bound with these bangles."

"Actually there's no part about it, you are a full celestial," Xander explained, "I got the idea from an anime I saw. You are bound to a more human power level, but you got major bonuses in your saving throws and skill points, not to mention your stats."

"So we get the bangles off and Willow can smite people?" Buffy asked.

Xander and Willow laughed.

"What?"

"The bracelets are pretty much a permanent addition," Willow explained, "Xander was allowing me a little bit of munchkindom by the way he made my character; see the stats and bonuses I have would have cost a lot more if I was a normal character but by making me a powerful bound character I get them as a side effect with the binding making up for the points my race costs. To get these off would require a major quest, something every bit as difficult as us getting the scepter."

"In that case, may I say they look very nice?" Buffy said, "simple silver bangles go with everything!"

The three shared a laugh before falling silent as they got ready for battle.

"I'll scout for traps," Willow said, "and if I see any goblins I'll fall back behind you, but remember not to let them draw you further down the tunnel than I've scouted."

"I remember the Hall of the Goblin Lord," Xander promised, "won't make that mistake again."

"Just reminding you and making sure Buffy knows what they'll pull."

"Darla pulled that one before, I'll hang back and let Xander be manly," Buffy swore.

"Good, your job is to backup Willow and keep an eye on the rear," Xander said, "I can heal nearly anything since I regenerate which means we have to keep you two from getting hurt."

"Isn't that what you try to do in real life when I'm the one with the super healing?" Buffy teased.

"Are you suggesting I'm bullheaded?" Xander asked, causing the girls to snicker.

"Okay, we're almost there, game faces everyone," Willow ordered placing a hand on the sword's hilt and trying to ignore how it felt.

Xander rolled his head and loosened his shoulders before following Willow as she quietly slid through the bushes ahead.

Buffy was trying her best to move as quietly as her two friends, but felt as clumsy as an ox next to, Willow wearing boots of elvenkind and Xander using a druid's natural ability to pass without trace. She briefly wondered if they ever felt this way when they patrolled the cemeteries with her.

Willow tapped Xander's arm and held up two fingers signaling positions, before drawing her thumb across her throat and waving him ahead of her.

Xander nodded and took the lead, circling through the brush until he was in the right spot; his hands darted forward as he grabbed a pair of goblins and drug them into the bush, before using the strength of his hybrid form to snap their necks.

Willow and Xander searched both corpses, coming up with little more than a pair of pouches holding a few coppers.

Buffy looked closely at the dead goblins, thinking they looked something like someone had crossed a chimpanzee with a toad and possibly added a touch of alligator for the teeth. She hefted her hammer with a firmer grip, feeling much better now that she knew what the enemy looked like. She could handle mutant chimps even if they did coat their weapons with poo rather than flinging it.

"That's all the guards they had out," Willow said quietly, "I don't know where they were when we came by earlier."

"Probably found something to torture for lunch," Xander replied, "they aren't exactly big on discipline."

"When we get in the cave we'll wait for a couple of minutes to let our eyes adapt," Willow said.

"One of the advantages of being a were is that I don't have that problem," Xander said, "even those of us who aren't weres of nocturnal animals adapt to darkness pretty quickly, so I'll keep watch while you guys do that."

"Sounds like a plan," Willow agreed.

AN: Typing by Godogma, who I'm pretty sure is getting carpal tunnel syndrome from all the work I make him do!