Chapter Two: 'Disciplinary actions'

Quentin Gelidwater sat in a room populated by a diverse array of wacky characters. The room was like a university lecture hall except it was magical. The bald boy to Quentin's left turned to him and offered an edgy smile.

"Hi, I'm Penny and I'm a punk" he said. "Wanna be friends?". He extended his hand and gave Quentin a smile which was warm and friendly despite the fact that he was a punk and therefore bald.

"No thanks, I don't like friends because they make my depression flare up" said Quentin Coldwaterly. "Besides, I'm not even sure what a punk is, do you have other character traits or is that all I have to go on?". Penny opened his mouth to speak but decided to close it and then never talk to anyone in the school ever again. "Damn right, school is a competitive environment because I'm really clever" thought Quentin Proudwater.

"I'm clever too" said a meek voice to Quentin's right.

"WHAT DID YOU SA-" screamed Quentin, spinning to face the person to his right but stopping after he saw their face. Beside Quentin was a girl who immediately sent all thoughts of Love-Interest-One flying out of the book, not to be seen again for several hundred pages.

"Hi my names Alice, I'm clever and really shy. Also, I have a tragic backstory" said the girl before looking down at the floor shyly and cleverly and tragic backstoryly.

"My God, you must be an important character if you have more than two defining features" gasped Quentin. He was just about to ask if she was another love interest when 'Rule Britania' began blaring over the loudspeaker system.

"GOOD MORNING TO YOU ALL AND GOD BLESS THE QUEEN" crowed Dean Foggy Britishly. He had entered the auditorium stealthily in a black taxi while nobody was looking and now he began bouncing across the stage in a very British manor, small pictures of the royal family fluttered out from his pockets all of which were covered in marks to suggest they had been kissed repeatedly. "Do allow me to introduce this fine old guvnor".

Another man stepped begrudgingly from the taxi and began reciting a long speech.

"Greetings, I am a professor of magic, pause for dramatic effect. You have been selected to come to this school because you are all clever enough to do magic (Yes that's how magic works)"

Everyone in the room chattered excitedly to each other except Penny the punk since he had just taken a vow of silence.

"Magic is divided into disciplines and each discipline has hundreds of sub-disciplines. The main disciplines are: Physical, Illusion, Natural, Psychic, Elemental and Defence against the dark arts."

One by one the students were called to the front of the class. The professor of magic sat them in a chair and then announced what their discipline was. Alice was called to the front so she sat in the chair, nervously.

"Phosphomancy" said the Professor. "It's a type of physical discipline that involves manipulating light". Another child came and sat in the chair.

"Discipline-mancy" said the Professor. "You have the magical ability of telling other people what their disciplines are". The boy's eyes brimmed with tears. "Yeah, join the bloody club" snarled the Professor. Next up was Penny. The professor frowned and then whispered something in his ear before sending Penny to go and sit down.

"Yes!" cheered Penny, forgetting his vow of silence.

"What's your discipline?" asked Alice, forgetting she was the shy character.

"Plot." said Penny. "Don't worry, it'll be significant later." Then it was Quentin's turn. He approached the stage, his heart pounding harder than his dreams of Love-Interest-One.

"Okay, you're another weird one, why don't you try casting some spells and we can see what your discipline is." said the professor. Quentin Enchantedwater concentrated hard and wiggled his fingers around in concentric circles for a few minutes, trying to remember something simple he'd seen in one of the textbooks.

Time stopped.

All noise ceased, the wind which had previously been howling outside was completely silent. Alice was paused reading a clever book with lots of words. Penny had been making some hardcore punk hand gestures when time stopped and now he was posed ludicrously with his tongue hanging out and his fingers pointing to the sky. The Discipline-mancy boy was still crying only now the tears were seemingly stuck to his cheeks, not budging an inch.

Everyone in the room, including Quentin and the Professor were frozen in place, only their eyes were capable of movement and in those eyes, Quentin saw true fear. "This is great" thought Quentin "I love magic".

"Wanna know what's better than magic?" said The Beast.

"What?" blinked Quentin.

"Eating people" said The Beast. It opened its mouth and swallowed the professor like a hungry beast. Then it walked around the room glancing at various people as if deciding on who to eat next. It decided on some random girl at the back and without a second thought began to eat her too. This lasted quite a while and Quentin's body was beginning to get tried as was everyone else in the room, not that Quentin Meanwater cared. More eaten people meant less potential friends and therefore better grades, everyone knows that.

Eventually The Beast got bored and with eating people and after a brief nod in Quentin's direction, vanished. Time immediately resumed and the whole room lay in stunned silence on the floor.

This tranquillity was broken in a similar fashion to the door which burst asunder to reveal Dean Foggy sitting astride his battle taxi, brandishing a magical longsword which tasted suspiciously of scones. "TALLY HO!" he screamed Britishly before coming to stop in the centre of the room.

"Oh" he said glancing at the pile of clothes which had been the professor. "Looks like we need a new discipline-mancer!" he said cheerfully patting the shoulder of the crying boy next to him. Then he swiftly exited the room to masturbate to a signed photo of Winston Churchill.