Chapter 2

Chicken, Alaska: A Field Trip

A completely unanticipated and unannounced field trip was in order. What a lovely surprise for Ron Weasley.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" he said.

Everyone looked at him funny.

"WHAT ARE YOU YAYING ABOUT?" said Everyone.

"I DUNNO!" Ron retorted.

"Children, settle down." Dumbledore said. Everyone looked up and then went back to talking and staring at Ronald funny. "SILENCE, FIENDS!"

"YEAH DUMBLEDORK! YOU TELL 'EM!" screamed an intoxicated Rubeus. Hagrid. Ahem.

"In celebration of Draco Malfoy's tragic death and cliché'd rebirth, we are taking a field trip… Not to the usual Disney World, but to CHICKEN!"

"…Like the nuggets?" Ashley asked. Everyone howled in unwarranted laughter.

"I wish I were that pretty…" sighed Harry. He reached over and grabbed a diamond out of Hermione's suddenly wealthy pocket. She felt nothing, because she is a vague person.

Harry smiled. Stealing from RICHGRRL!Hermoine was fu-un. He looked over at Ron. Now, how to get my klepto!Harry hands on Ron's NachoLibre-inspired STRETCHY PANTS…

"No, no, Ashley, not the nuggets! CHICKEN…AAAAALASKA!" Dumbledore said, then added, "And thanks for last night."

"Anytime, Dumbly-Boogle..." Ashley winked. "And what in the name of all that is greasy is ALASKA?"

"I thought you were an American exchange student!" Ron said, fingering the hem of his stretchy pants nervously.

"I am, Ronaldo darling."

"Then how did you not know what Alaska is?" Ron asked, blushing for no reason.

"Because, Ron," Ashley heaved a sigh, "Alaska does NOT exist!"

"But you knew what it was?" Ron asked.

"NO! I'm so excited to go to Alaska, how about you?" Ashley said.

Just then, they realized that Ashley was a goldfish, and that her 3 second memory kept her from doing or saying anything intelligent.

At all.

"So…how bout them Yankees?" Ron asked, imagining himself as a champion LUCHADOR.

"What's a Yankee?" Ashley asked.

Just then, a large Thing (capitalized for effect-this IS descriptive writing) dropped onto her head and knocked her out!

"Bark! Bark!" It said (EFFECT! DESCRIPTIVE! HOLY BISCUITS!).

Ron looked left and right.

Harry looked left and right, taking this FINE opportunity to steal his STRETCHY PANTS. Now he, and only he, would be the world-champion LUCHADOR! And, while we're at it, he could buy some SWEET recreational clothes with his winnings.

Getting back to the Thing, it just so happened to be Balto and all of his animated sled dog friends!...Along with a really big sled.

"OOOOH! OUR RIDE!" Dumbledore screeched, lifting up his skirts- er, robes- ever so daintily and skipping over to get the best seat- The Front.

"OH, LOOK, A WHIP!" he cried, reaching over the handles to retrieve a long black… whip. He cracked it. Well, he attempted to, anyway, and ended up throwing it behind his back and giving the slowly recovering Ashley a really attractive black eye.

She was mobbed by Draco, Ron, Harry, Seamus, Neville, Rubeus, Hermione, Crabbe, Fred, Oliver, George, Voldemort, Tom, James, Larry the Cable Guy, Sirius, Remus, Snape, Peter, Fenrir, Mr. Weasley, Ginny, Blaise, Pansy, Nearly Headless Nick, Ghandi, Nacho Libre, Winston Churchill, Goyle, and Mrs. Norris. Everyone else who isn't important did nothing, because no one likes background characters.

No one.

Dumbledore, immune to her Mary-Sueish charms for five minutes, cried pearlescent tears.

Of angst.

"I JUST WANTED TO CRACK THAT WHIP…Just like DEVO did…Say, Harry, you still into that crack stuff?"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH, A CHEESY LINE…!

Balto looked back at the mob. "Y'all fixin' to hitch up, er… What?"'

Ashley became fascinated by the talking dawg (heh), and since she is extremely popular, so did everyone else. She hopped aboard the Leviathan of a sled (so did everyone else) and off they went.

Well, sort of.

Just kidding.

--

So now, here they are in Chicken, Alaska. Everyone except the background characters. They never get to enjoy a nice field trip.

"WHY DON'T WE EVER GET TO ENJOY A NICE FIELD TRIP?" Background Cast Member No. 5 yelled. No one heard him. It's like that proverbial tree in the forest.

A/N: You know, God kills a kitten every time you authors don't let your background characters go on a field trip.

You knew, didn't you? SO WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? DO YOU HAVE NO COMPASSION FOR THE TINY WARRIOR FELINES OF THE NORTH? OR THE SOUTH? OR THE VEGETARIANS, you know, those tree hugger kittens.

Ahem.

A/N…over and out.

Chicken, Alaska will never be the same after this one.

The Suddenly Pretty Makeover!Hermoine walked around. All the Inuits wished their girlfriends were HAWT like her.

A/N: You know God kills a vegetarian every time Hermione gets a makeover?

MAY THE BLOOD OF 897 VEGETARIANS BE ON YOUR HEADS! You know what the punishment for veggie-homicide is?

Being impaled by a projectile of our choice.

TODAY IT IS CORN ON A STICK.

MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOULS!

A/N…OUT.

"So… What do we do now?" Ashley asked, staring down an Inuit. And envying his sealskin parka. So much envy, in fact, that she needed a favor. Not just any favor. A klepto!Harry-esque sort of favor.

"Have I ever told you that I'd look really H-A-W-T in… that thing?" she asked Harry, pointing at the parka.

"No," Harry replied.

Ashley took a step closer to him, MAKING SURE HER WARM BREATH COULD BE FELT ON HIS CREAMY SKIN. SENSUALLY. "Well, you know, Harry… I would. And you're just the man to get it for me. And I'll even let you put it on… This," She said, motioning to her own body. "Man. Get. This." She said. SENSUALLY.

Harry wholeheartedly agreed.

Harry walked up to said Inuit. Said Inuit (henceforth know as Jeff) was icefishing. Peacefully. Unsuspective-like. Just the way Harry liked 'em.

Harry reached forward. Slowly. Slowly. THEN QUICKLY! Then sloooooowly… Then he stopped. And did the chicken dance, because what better dance was there to fit the occasion? And then he stopped. His hand inched forward… He touched the seal skin parka. The seal skin parka touched him. It gave him feelings he himself could not understand.

So then He took the parka off Jeff's back (with a gallant "STOLE'D!") and gave it to Ashley. Who wasn't interested in it anymore.

"Goldfishz R fo loozrz," Harry said inwardly, and went to sit by Jeff. Who was dead. Because Harry done stole'd his parka.

A/N: Every time you steal a parka, God kills Jeff.

Jeff had two kids! A WIFE! Two wives, actually (Muslim Inuit colony, y'know). One was named Nancy. She made a mean sealskin pie. The other one had no known name. She was a background character. Psssh.

A/N…IN!

A/N…OOT (Happy Canadian Appreciation Day, Eh?)!

Just then (we know, WTF, right?), the Australians attacked. Their fierce volleys of boomerangs and kangaroo Mounties were too much for the sealskin'd Inuits and the visiting Hogwarts students.

However, the brave Inuits made a speedy snow fort and pelted snowballs at the Aussie's weak side. The Aborigines, clad in only loincloths, couldn't handle it… The crystalline spheres spelled their doom.

An all out attack was waged, and a cloud of out-of-place dust, upturned snow, and sealskin rose over the battlefield.

But over the cloud rose a hero… And that hero thine's name was Harry. But you know him better… as John Wayne. (That's right, kids…)

And then everyone went home.

Except Jeff. Jeff die'd.

THE END.

--

Alright, your next set of choices…

UNBACKGROUND'D!Seamus and Neville plot to take over the world… But first, Hogwarts.

Or

Hogwarts has a dance, a talent show, a play, and a battle of the bands. And a karaoke bar in Hogsmeade.

PS- If you noticed our spontaneous cross-referencing to Nacho Libre… we saw it earlier tonight. Good movie.

…IT'S OVER!