Thank you to Sticky and supergleek for reviewing! Hope you guys stick with the story. I'm really nervous since this is my first real fanfic and so I'm going to need all the support/ideas from readers!
It's my fault. It's my fault Brittany is dead. If I didn't come up with the stupid idea of getting ice cream. If I actually watched the road. If I hadn't loved Brittany as much as I did, I would have never lost focus when driving and ran that red light. If I didn't love Brittany, she would still be here.
So now I sit here, staring down at my sweaty hands clasped in my lap. I sit here, surrounded by the rest of the Glee Club, my parents, Mr. Schue, Coach Sylvester, and the Cheerios squad as well.
I sit here at Brittany's funeral.
My mother is on my right and Quinn sits on my left, her hand resting lightly on my arm, comforting me.
But I'm not comforted. I'm hurt. Not only mentally, but physically. The cuts and bruises from the accident ache constantly and I have a consistent throbbing headache from the concussion I received when the truck hit my small car. How is it fair that I got out of that accident with only a concussion but Brittany dies on impact?
Brittany.
Her presence fills the church that we sit in. Her name and face is everywhere I look. On those silly programs that get handed out, on the pictures surrounding her casket, her name being said in speeches. She's everywhere, haunting me. She's still scolding Lord Tubbington for smoking, she's still prancing around in her adorable green dress at prom, she's still dancing her heart out as I sing Valerie, she's still surprising me everyday with a new hat she's wearing, and, most of all, she's still loving me.
Brittany.
I haven't cried yet today. I think I may have worn myself out. I cried yesterday and the day before, the day before that, and the day when I woke up in a hospital room with my parents and abuela. I immediately knew something was bad if my abuela was there. We hadn't talked since the night I came out to her, but when she saw I was awake, she rushed over to my bedside and held me close, crying and telling me that she loved me and apologized for how she reacted when I broke the news.
"¿Lo que pasó, abuela? Confused by her behavior, I asked what happened.
"It's Brittany, darling..." She never finished her sentence and I wracked my brain for the possibilities of what happened to my Brittany.
Then I remembered.
I remembered the accident. The accident that was my fault. The accident that killed her.
I cried during every waking moment I had at the hospital. I didn't even want the doctors to allow the Glee kids to see me. Brittany wasn't just my friend, she was the entire club's. How could Quinn forgive me for causing the death of one of our unholy trinity? How could Mike forgive me for loosing his best dance partner? I didn't want to see any of them. I didn't want to face them. But they insisted. All they did, though, is sit in my room and cry. No one talked.
Quinn was at my bedside just milliseconds after she entered my room. Besides me, she was the closest to Brittany in Glee Club because of Cheerios and everything. Quinn grasped my hand in both of hers, put her forehead on top of the trembling tangle of hands and cried. I placed my free hand on the back of her neck and cried with her.
Even the boys of the club were crying – even Puck. Seeing him cry hurt even more. We had all lost Brittany.
We all lost my Brittany and it was my fault.
Brittany.
So now I sit here at her funeral. I sit here, dressed in the black dress that Brittany helped me pick out for one of our dates just three small months ago.
I can't even listen to what's going on. I look up from where my hands rest in my lap and stare at the pictures surrounding her casket. Next to one of her that was taken in New York City last year for Nationals is a framed picture of lyrics written in beautiful calligraphy by Brittany's mother.
Looking back on the memory
Of the dance we shared beneath the stars alone.
For a moment, all the world was right.
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye?
Quinn nudges me ever so softly and I look up. The pastor from Brittany's church must've finished his speech and is sadly looking my way. I realize that it's my turn. It's my turn to say something to Brittany's family and friends.
I stand up slowly, every noise from the creaky pew echoes in the quiet church, joining the faint sounds of sniffling and crying. I make my way up to the podium, every step making me feel as if I'm stepping further away from Brittany. The more steps I make, the closer to goodbye I'm getting.
My sweaty hands fumble in the pocket of my dress (Brittany loved dresses with pockets – more of the reason she loved this dress for me) until my fingers clasp around the small piece of folded paper. I smooth it out and nervously clear my throat. Trying to stop my hands from shaking, I take a deep breath and begin, my voice quivering.
"For those of you who do not know, I am Santana Lopez," I pause, willing myself not to glance into the audience for fear I wouldn't be able to finish what I wanted to say. I needed to say this for Brittany. Brittany would have wanted it. And what Brittany wanted, Brittany got. "And I'm – was … I'm Brittany's girlfriend."
The atmosphere changes in the crowded church. Not all of Brittany's relatives or friends knew she was homosexual. I can't help myself as my eyes glance around. They sweep over the half-shocked, half-not group and end up landing on her parents. They knew about us long before we even knew for sure and seeing Mr. and Mrs. Pierce's faces helped me continue. They both had tears streaking down their cheeks, but Mr. Pierce's eyes – that reminded me so much of Brittany's – looked as if they were looking right through me, They weren't full of hate, as I expected since I'm the one to blame for his daughter's death, but they were full of sorrow and understanding.
"B-Brittany Susan Pierce," I continued, my voice stuttering while I held back tears, "was the most beautiful, talented, loving, and smartest girl I have ever met. She was always by my side since the day we met in fourth grade. The day that I fell in some mud during recess and she was the only kid in our class to help me out." My body tried to laugh, but my emotions were soaring too high to involve any humor. What was supposed to be a small chuckle turned into more of a choked gasp, which lead to the tears. Needing to continue, I cried out the rest of my speech.
"We were rarely seen apart and she made me who I am today. It was her idea to try out for the Cheerios squad our freshman year at McKinley. Through her confidence and grace doing routines, I learned to do the same. She was the best dancer on the squad and also in Glee Club.
"It was Glee Club that brought us closer together. I remember how Brittany was so excited to go to Glee rehearsal that she sometimes went straight to the choir room forgetting that she still had one more class left in the day." I let out a pathetic laugh-sob.
"In Glee, we both learned about acceptance and love. The first time Brittany told me she loved me, I knew that my life with her would never be the same."
I stop. Now reading this out loud in public, I start to regret wanting to say something. My life was never the same once we fell in love, and now my life is broken. Brittany was my life. Brittany was everything I lived for. I was in Cheerios because of Brittany. I learned to love Glee Club and the people in it because of Brittany. I loved Brittany for who she was. And now she's stripped away from me so suddenly. So suddenly that, without any warning, my life is turned upside down.
I stand at the front of the church, tears and sobs flowing with no means of halting for quite awhile. My right hand that was holding the corner of my still unfinished speech crumples into a tiny, sweaty ball that fits in my palm. Controlling my sobs enough to speak, I improvise and just say what comes out of my mouth.
"Brittany meant so much to not only me, but to so many people she knew. What she didn't know, though, is how much she could affect those people. She didn't know that her charm could fill you up with so much joy and love for life that you forget about all your bad days you've been through. Loosing Brittany is like loosing an angel. And … I'm sorry…"
I don't know what I'm sorry for exactly. I make my way back to my seat between my mom and Quinn. I'm not quite sure what just happened up there, but I couldn't say I was feeling any better about coping than I was before.
The rest of the ceremony blurs by and I find myself hugging Mr. and Mrs. Pierce before numbly climbing into the back of my parents' Subaru.
Once I got home, I curled up as small as I could in my bed. The smaller my body and thoughts were, the smaller the memories would be, I thought.
But I was wrong.
A/N: The lyrics used are from "The Dance" by Garth Brooks. I felt it fit perfectly since Brittany loved to dance.
PLEASE review! Let me know what you thought of this scene. It's hard to portray the emotions I have in mind through words, so please let me know your emotional reaction to this or how I could have done it better. Thanks! :)
