The Psychic, The Swordsman, and The Sorcerer

Chapter 2

I do not own any of the intellectual properties used in the creation of this stories. Masashi Kishimoto owns Naruto, Marvel Comic owns X-Men, JK Rowling owns Harry Potter, and Zorro Production Inc. laughably claims to own Zorro, who is commonly considered to be public domain.

Kakashi burst into the Hokage Tower, ignoring all decorum, as well as the several people he shoved aside as he kept to his course. He arrived at the door of the office of one Hiruzen Sarutobi, the Professor, God of Shinobi, and Sandaime Hokage of Konoha. Paying no attention to the protesting assistant by said door, he shoved his way into the office and shouted, "Hokage-sama, I would like to ask for permission to eliminate the records keeper."

"Request denied," the Hokage responded, looking up at Kakashi, "On what grounds do you wish to kill him anyway, and why do you have a Z cut into your mask?"

"Hokage-sama," Kakashi continued, pulling down his outer mask and planning on some type of revenge on Naruto, revealing the next mask, "Upon meeting Team 7, I found that all records on Sasuke Uchiha, Sakura Haruno, and Naruto Uzumaki are either out of date or completely fabricated. None of the profile photos are accurate either. Sakura refers to herself as the Phoenix and possesses psychic powers that are not specified and some sort of dark spirit inside of her, if she is to be believed, called Dark Phoenix. Sasuke seems to have a different memory of events that have occurred in his life than that of on the report, such as a claim that Orochimaru, alongside Itachi had executed the Uchiha clan. He also possesses some sort of polished stick, possibly a chakra directing weapon, as well as some sort of flying device in the shape of a broom. Naruto is calling himself Zorro and rides a horse, while wielding an overly thin sword. As such, I find that it is necessary to kill the records keeper in a very brutal way, in order to prevent his successor from making similar mistakes."

"I will not allow you to kill the records keeper," the Hokage said flatly, before thinking for a moment, asking, "Have you even entertained the thought that Naruto persuaded his teammates to pull an elaborate prank on you? Why don't you look for them individually and ask them about the matter?"

"It will be done, Hokage-sama," Kakashi said, hoping that it really was a prank. He doubted he could handle dealing with his potential team otherwise. Deciding that Sasuke, given his profile would be willing to tell Kakashi if this entire situation was an elaborate prank, given his blatantly serious nature, he headed to the Uchiha complex.


When he arrived, he found that Sasuke was still in that bizarre get-up, and was currently reading a book entitled Defense Against the Dark Arts, 3rd Edition. Cautiously, Kakashi got closer, and asked, "Sasuke, what are you doing?"

"I'm reading the required book, Professor Kakashi," Sasuke responded, looking directly at Kakashi, "Defense is my favorite subject, and I have to make sure that I won't be attacked by Dementors."

"Ah," Kakashi said as Sasuke returned to his reading.

He would have asked more, but Sasuke said, "I wonder where I can find a boggart?"

Kakashi didn't know what a boggart was, but, if Sasuke wanted it while holding up the pretense of being a 'wizard,' he doubted he wanted to find out. Subtly, Kakashi edged away before running quickly. Maybe Sakura would be more willing to divulge if it was a prank or not.


"Hello, Kakashi-sensei," the self-proclaimed psychic said, not turning to face him as she meditated. Kakashi mentally cursed. He thought he had kept well hidden in the tree and he had definitely cloaked his chakra signature. How could she have noticed him?

"Your mind wasn't blocked, Kakashi-sensei," Sakura said, still not turning around, "Others have made that mistake before."

Kakashi then decided to land in front of the girl, only to find her eyes were closed. Well, since he was here, he might as well ask if...

"This isn't an act, Kakashi-sensei," Sakura said, "I am the Phoenix, and the Dark Phoenix is lurking inside me."

With that, Kakashi leapt away without a sound. Maybe Naruto would be more forthcoming if it was a prank, as Kakashi began desperately hoping it was.

"He won't be, since it's not a prank, Kakashi-sensei," he heard her say before he got out of hearing range.


Kakashi knocked at Naruto's door in the abandoned apartment complex that he seemed to have turned into some sort of manor, hoping against hope that this potential student would be the one to tell him that this was some sort of impossibly large prank that they were playing on him. When the blonde opened it while dressed in his normal attire, Kakashi almost cried in relief before the blond wordlessly beckoned him to enter.

Naruto was seated in an armchair, still dressed in his normal style, but that meant that this was probably the shadow clone from earlier.

"Kakashi-sensei?" the seated Naruto asked, "Oh, this must be about how I didn't go to the assignment meeting. I'm sorry. You see, I got caught on a train of thought, but then, I found out that I missed my stop, and so I had to get off at the next station..."

"Just save it, Naruto," Kakashi said, feeling his sanity slipping already, "What was with the 'Zorro' thing you did earlier? Was it a prank or something?"

"Zorro?" Naruto asked, "Was he that handsome, whiskered masked swordsman who fights for justice? About my height, weight, build, and social caste?"

"Yes," Kakashi murmured as he stroked his temples, thinking that Naruto was going to try to play this out to the bitter end.

"I've never seen him," Naruto said, "I didn't think he was real."

"I know you're Zorro!" Kakashi shouted, finally reached the limit of his patience, "I saw you talking with the same shadow clone you have out right now earlier."

"Bernardo?" Naruto asked, "But Bernardo has been with me the whole time."

"Bernardo?" Kakashi repeated, "Who's Bernardo?"

"He's my servant," Naruto said with a wave of his hand, "He can't talk. He's a mute, but he's a very good servant, and he's completely faithful to me."

"What about the 'Lady Hinata' business?" Kakashi asked, hoping to find something to connect Naruto to Zorro in a way he couldn't possibly talk his way out of.

"Hinata?" Naruto asked, "What about her? I don't really get to deal with her that often. She's a good friend, though, believe it!"

With that final nail driven into his mental coffin, Kakashi decided to return to his own apartment and recuperate by reading Icha Icha.

"I wonder if anyone else has to deal with three psychos," he mused out loud.

Elsewhere, Asuma sneezed as he watched Chouji held Ino back from strangling the cloud-watching Shikamaru while still eating chips with one hand.

In another location, Kurenai sneezed as Kiba ran after the stick Hinata had thrown to entertain Akamaru while Shino stared at an ant colony that moved around the area.

In yet another location, Tenten sneezed as she ignored Neji's rant about Fate as well as Gai and Lee's "youthful hugging," during which they shouted each other's names.

Having decided that there wasn't, Kakashi then decided to just sleep it off and try his hardest to make the trio from hell fail legally when it came time for the bell test. What could possibly go wrong?