Wow! Thanks for all of you who reviewed for chapter one, even if there were so many typos in the summary... ^^v Have fun, kiddies, and enjoy the ride! Refer to the first bit for what I do and don't own... Or... what I don't own... ^^v ALSO!!!!! We thank sparknotes.com GREATLY for the help of quotes!
~Achi-chan
NOTE: I'll be hopping around in this chapter, most likely leaving a non-important scene out, or not using the same purpose in the scene present that Shakespeare had in mind. *Shrugs* It's all good, as my stand partner for All-County would say... ^^v
NOTE TWO: I noticed my folly before I started. With the "do you raise your middle finger at me?" I have it all wrong. Mercrutio is supposed to be on Romeo's side. And Romeo's a Slytherin. I have the Slytherin raising the finger and my Mercrutio going after the Slytherin. Which means Seamus was attacking HIS side. Kim's thoughts? Hehe... my bad. Scratch that bit, would ya?
Shakespeare's Mistake
rated: PG-13 for Ferret Junior's runaway mouth
Part Two: Oh Ye Mooses
Draco grudgingly hobbled out onto the stage, one of the main acts just finished. Seamus and Justin joined, neither
overly-exuberant to be seen in tights and a 'dress,' as Ron (and the rest of the male cast) had nicknamed 'the tunic'. Seamus messed around with his sword, Draco glaring at the Hufflepuffian and the Gryffindorian. "If either of you make me look stupid in the least bit, you're my first two targets for when the school crumbles and the Dark Lord takes over," he hissed, the curtains rising.
Justin swallowed quite loudly, and Seamus coughed. He'd like to see the snotty bastard get within FEET of him.
A hush fell over the crowd as the girls leaned forward in their seats, their vision upon the Ferret Junior in tights. "Wow. He does have nice... attributes," Ginny giggled to a random sixth-year friend. Both girls laughed, and turned their attention to the stage.
"Dude, Snape's worried about you," Justin stated to the audience, turned away from Draco so his back was facing Draco.
"Screw the old biddy," was the snide reply. Such a wonderful entrance, Hermione thought, rolling her eyes. The bastard always had to over-do himself.
Seamus coughed, abiding by the script Hermione had helped the cast form; Draco was obviously doing his own little thing. "He's worried about you, ~CUZ~" he stated,
emphasizing the 'cuz' bit. Ahh, the wonders of Shakespearian slang.
Draco scoffed. "You moron. I'm 'Benvolio's' cousin. You're related to the prince," he snorted. Seamus turned slightly red, and looked like he was about to retort, when Justin butt-in.
"You've been moping around Hogwarts all week. Your dad's in a frenzy because you haven't owled him recently, but he could care less, we guess, as long as you don't interact with mudbloods and muggles, but your mom's worried," Justin said between clenched teeth.
Draco snorted, eyes scanning the crowd. "That's rich, coming from you, Non-pureblood," he replied. Seamus lunged for Draco's neck, but Justin stopped him.
"Can we get the damn scene over without killing each other OR breaking the seventh wall?" Justin wanted to know.
"It's the fifth wall, dear" Hermione whispered off-stage. Justin blushed slightly at Hermione's near lack-of-shirt. Damn corset.
Draco sighed. "I'vefalleninlovewiththisgirlwhodoesn'tlovemeandIthinkshe'sofftoanunnery. WoeismeIhatemylife,she'smyonlylove... Thankyou" he finished, bowing his way off stage.
"Therearepleantyoffishinthesea,don'tstickwiththisone, Thankyou," Seamus finished, bowing off as well. Hermione rubbed her temples, sighing. Oh ye gods this would be long.
Lavendar adjusted the teacher's robes and wig Hermione had gotten to stick to her head. "Remind me why I'm doing this?" she spat, glaring at the Head Girl.
"McGonagall refused to get involved, and we needed a Head of House. You ought to see Blaise Zabini as Snape... he's rather amusing, because we couldn't get his hair greasy enough. We ended up using candle wax for a desired effect, and people keep on trying to light him on fire. Now get out there," Hermione stated, pushing the girl out. Lavendar stumbled on stage, greeted by everyone eyes.
Sending Hermione one last glare, she turned to Ron, the 'Paris' of the stage. "What did you want, Weasley?" Lavendar asked in her best McGonagall accent. The real Gryffindor Head of House glared at the girl who was
portraying her.
"I was thinking about... well, you know... having another Hogsmeade weekend to, well, you know 'hook' up with Hermione," he stated casually. Or, as casually as a guy and panty-hose could say.
Lavender snorted.
"Aren't you both a bit young for that?" Lavender asked, her accent strangely accurate.
Ron shrugged. "She's a seventh year, I'm a seventh year... the attraction's all there, I suppose. Come on..." he begged, giving
Lavender his sexy puppy-dog look.
Forgetting where she was (and mainly, what she was DOING), Lavender looked to the ground, shifting back and forth on her feet and fluttering her eyelashes. "I guess I can like, you know, start a party for Granger to meet you, and all, but if that doesn't work out, you know I'm always around," she giggled, only half of the McGonagall accent left. Ron gave her a horrified look, and she giggled again, as Neville bumbled onto stage. "Longbottom, take this note," she fished a note out of her pockets, "to the people listed on the list for invites. Have them all come, but don't you dare invite people not on the list. Come, Ron... I bet we have ~better~ things we could be doing in the meantime,"
Lavender finished, giggling evilly and pulling Ron off stage, as Hermione made a cameo appearance by sulking across stage, Pansy just as sulkingly following her across as well.
Neville stared stupidly at the note, as Draco, Seamus, and Justin sauntered on stage, Justin in the middle of the trio, keeping Seamus from jumping at Draco's throat. Neville gulped, cleared his throat, and stated clearly his sonnet Hermione had written. Draco's had been just the taddest bit violent, and she had doubted the real McGonagall would have been too happy, hearing about the violation done to her body and (in grotesque detail) how her head had been ripped off and tossed to- Hermione didn't want to even think about it.
"My master has given me this here note
With names in gold ink upon its substance,
But I clearly have found that she has wrote;
Pushing me out with no more lost nonsense...
Tragedy has fallen upon my hands
What am I to do? I am very lost
Am I to travel all the distant lands?
Merlin's Balls, how much that would indeed cost
She did not ask me if I was in need
She gave me a note, but I cannot read!"
Neville took a bow to the audience, applause filling the room. Hermione grinned in proud respect, and Draco snatched the note from Neville's hands. "A ball, eh?" he spat at the Gryffindor boy. "~SHE~ is to be present. I shall attend. Come, 'Benvolio,' 'Mercrutio," he spat, pushing the three off stage.
Hermione rolled her eyes, and quickly set at work, handing out masks to backstage members. "Listen. We all remember what happens. Seamus goes on a rant about Mab and other such thinks as y'all listen to him, then it switches to the ballroom scene, which means," Hermione gulped, "I've gotta change out of this damn corset into ANOTHER one..." she muttered, sulking off much to the
cast members' amusement. Mainly Draco's, but still...
Draco, being dragged on stage by fellow cast members (mainly Justin, who was, at all costs, tyring to avoid conflict by separating Seamus from the Slytherin), sulked. His costume had changed. He no longer wore silver and blue nylons. He now wore navy blue and gray nylons. And a skirt. No matter how long Hermione,
Lavender, and Parvati and lectured him, he refused to give them the pleasure of knowing he knew it wasn't a 'skirt,' and that it was correctly called a 'tunic.' Weasley had pulled his smart move of the year in nicknaming it such.
"So, I'm supposed to preach about a story, with Queen Mab being our ultimate ruler. But instead, my mooses-" Seamus paused as he heard a loud crash behind stage. Behind the curtain, Hermione banged her head against the
changing room door.
"Mooses. Out of ALL the people I know, he's the one to screw my work up and refer the the 'muses' as 'mooses.' Could
McGonagall have picked a more stupid Mercrutio?" she muttered to herself.
Back on stage, Seamus shrugged, and continued his story.
"You see, my mooses as not only winged and greenish-blue, but my mooses sit on my shoulder, whispering bits and pieces of nonsense (and the future) into my ear. So far, my mooses told me this wonderful little story. It starts with this guy, who falls in love with this girl, but technically, they can't marry because they come from two different families. So, they get married secretly, and only the girl's nurse and the monk who married them knew. So, the girl's cousin kills the guy's best friend, and the guy kills the cousin, and the
supreme ruler finds out and banishes the guy. So, the girl fakes death, but the guy doesn't know it's fake, so, as my mooses tell me now, the guy comes back and kills the girl's betrothed guy and kills himself. The girl wakes up from her fake death, sees him dead, kills herself, and the families make up and become good friends, making statues of one another and such on," Seamus nodded.
"Interesting mooses you have there, Finnegan," one of the Slytherins commented from the crowd. "Do they have accompanying flying squirrels as well?"
The muggle-related part of the audience burst into laughter, as the wizarding families looked around in confusion. Seamus seemed not only confused, but irked as well.
"Don't make fun of my mooses, jackass! I'd like to see you come up here and talk to the mooses," Seamus snarled, giving the Slytherin the two-fingered salute.
Justin, having left his watchful eye on Draco, to keep him from jumping Seamus, now held to Seamus's tunic as several Gryffindor girls held down the angered Slytherin. Hermione, from a wing, was ready to cry. Merlin's Balls, why did she have to work with the lot of idiots handed into her hands?
Bored, Draco cleared his throat. "Nobody cares about your mooses, Finnegan. Just hurry up and lead us into the ballroom. The faster I have this over, the faster I can start erasing the memories of the student body," Draco snorted, looking at his nails closely.
With that came the fall of a curtain and the end of a scene. Hermione quickly fussed with her outfit, attempting to pull up the bodice (which did absolutely no good), and quickly rushed those in her year onto the set. "Behave and stick to the plot if you know what's good for you. I can get away with hexxing the lot of you to Abu Dhabi if I have to," she hissed as the curtain rose.
Draco, placed at one end of the set snorted in character. Or, in his case, he just snorted, and it appeared to be in character. "Look. It's the love of my life," he stated rather sarcastically, pointing out
'Rosalyn', as Parvati had been nicknamed. Seamus snickered.
"It would be your luck to fall in love with somebody who's going off to a convent," he laughed. Draco raised an eyebrow.
"You think they'd still accept her after what we've done in the
Astronomy Tower?" he pondered. From across the stage, Parvati was restrained by Hermione and Hannah, who had wondered on set to... restrain
Parvati.
"Lemme at him. He promised to never tell anybody about that if I promised to not tell anybody that he has the endowedness of a ferret," she snarled.
"Well, now we're even, aren't we?" he asked, blushing slightly.
"So. Finding any girls you like?" Justin wanted to know, changing the subject back to the play at hand.
"No. They're all Gryffindor tramps," Draco replied.
As if the words "Abra kadabra peanut-butter sandwiches" had been spoken, Draco blinked to find himself on a plushie pink, heart-shaped stool in the middle of the stage, the backdrop changing to reds and pinks of hearts.
"Welcome to The Dating Game! I'm Dean Thomas and with me is Hannah Abbot and we'll be your cupids for today!" a voice bellowed out of nowhere. Dean appeared off the the side, along with Hannah who had passed her job of restraining Parvati off to Padma.
"With us is Draco Malfoy, the lucky bachelor, and we'll be meeting our three lucky bachelorettes right now!"
Hannah exclaimed, pointing to a shadowed off area to center-stage-right.
"With us, for bachelorette number one, we have Pansy Parkinson," Dean exclaimed, as a third of the shadowed-off area became lit.
"Pansy is a lovely lady from Parkinson manner. Her parents are not only pure-blooded, but rich and evil. She enjoys tequillas, singing in the shower, and secretly sneaking into the Head Boys dormitories to rub her face against Draco Malfoy's clean boxers," Dean commented. Pansy blushed slightly, dressed in her Nurse-Maid's attire. Draco made a face.
"Next, we have bachelorette number two!" Hannah cried out, as the shadow next to Pansy became lit. "Meet Hermione Anne Granger, our Hogwarts Head Girl. Being muggle-born, her parents are well-paid dentists. Hermione enjoys spending time with her two friends, Ron and Harry, sitting down next to the
common room fire to read a good book, and getting hopelessly drunk off of Fire
whiskey to 'see what happens'," Hannah introduced. Hermione had a smug look on her face.
"What? You thought I enjoyed sniffing your undies too?" she asked Draco, whose left eyebrow nearly reached his hairline.
"Finally, with us we have bachelorette number three," Dean sniggered, as the lighting lit up to a sponge. "This is a sponge. It has no parents. It enjoys scrubbing at dried-on gunk and plopping into a bath of warm water for some soapy, frothy fun," Hannah stated with a straight face. She had taken over for Dean, who had to duck behind his hand to laugh.
"Which one will it be? Bachelorette number one, two, or three?" Dean wanted to know. Various shouts of numbers came from the audience and the members of the cast.
Professor McGonagall cast a wary glare in Dumbledore's direction as he cried out, "Number three!"
"Given the circumstances? I pick number three. The sponge," Draco replied.
"You have it, ladies and gents! He chooses Hermione Granger!" Hannah yelled out. The set returned to normal, leaving Draco with his mouth gaping.
"I chose the sponge, dammit! Gimme my sponge! I want some wet, frothy fun, not an Alcoholic!" he yelled out.
Hermione snorted from across the stage. "Quit trying to change the plot and just get this on with," she replied.
Mumbling under his breath, Draco trudged to where Hermione was, grabbed her, and forced her to begin ballroom dancing with him. "I suppose I'd be evil to ask for a kiss?" he wanted to know.
Hermione narrowed her eyes. "Do it and I'll have you castrated so fast that your balls won't know what hit them until they smack the fl-" she snarled. Draco grinned.
'Plot? What plot?' he wanted to know, bending her in a dip and placing his lips firmly enough on her own to keep her from finishing her comment on how his testes were to bounce on the floor.
Releasing her from the kiss so suddenly that she landed on her behind, Draco smirked and joined Justin and Seamus. "Let me guess. I just 'fell for' an archrival, huh?" he wanted to know.
Justin shrugged. "Pretty accurate. Let's get out of here before McGonagall has kittens," Justin replied.
On the other side of the stage, Hermione was speaking to her 'Nurse,' a very DISGRUNTLED Pansy. "Who was that?" she wanted to know.
Pansy glared at Hermione. "Draco Malfoy, in the sexily-evil flesh. Kiss him again and I'll have your head," she warned. Hermione snorted.
"HE kissed me, might I remind you. I'm off to bed. Go shag a horse," Hermione replied, hopping off-stage.
In the audience, Ginny was snickering to herself as she counted off money. She owed Pansy four galleons for not going after Hermione when Draco snogged her and she owed Draco six galleons for snogging Hermione. This play was going to be a bit more fun than she thought...
SOOOOO sorry it took me this long to get this to you guys. I wasn't even planning on
finishing it, but I had over 20 replies with people telling me to "add another chapter NOW" and... welll... >! Sorry it's not as funny as the last one. It was written on a caffeine-high. All hail the pepsi gods. Kudos to Romantic_Fool who has been updating her awesomely awesome story and even more kudos to any author writing Snape/Hermiones... because they're fun. If you've got time, drop by my livejoural... www.livejournal.com/users/fangirlwithak/ and check out my buddyicons... Anime fans? Say wot? ^_^!
