Disclaimer:All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them stems from my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for).
AN: This story is not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretching that to the limit and suspending the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!!
(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…nor do I think one sneeze is a sure sign you got the bubonic plague)
I've often wondered what our two favourite detectives get up to at the weekends…
SATURDAY AFTERNOON
"Eames?" Bobby's voice on the phone had that quality to it his partner knew very well. That slightly hesitant and nervous tone that he never had when they were at work.
"Yes Bobby" she said quietly hoping perhaps this was occasion he'd tipped a gallon bucket of chocolate ice cream all over himself and needed her help to clean up
"I…um…I have a slight…er…a bit of a problem. Do you think…if it's not…um too much…trouble…you could come over?"
"Does this involve you being naked and chocolate ice cream by any chance?" she asked quickly and without thinking
"Excuse me?" Bobby sputtered on the other end of the line
"Oh…er…sorry Bobby…not you" she lied "I've got a girlfriend here…um…we are doing a quiz in this months "Cosmo". I was speaking to her"
Eames crossed her fingers she had gotten away with that one.
"I see…um…well sorry to disturb you" Bobby said. "I'll maybe give…um…someone else a ring"
"No don't do that" Eames said loudly and quickly. "She's just leaving. I'll be there in twenty minutes"
She set aside the fifth draft of the wedding gift list was something else Bobby didn't know about and hurried to comb her hair and find her car keys.
When Bobby opened the door he was fully dressed which put sort of a dampener on any remaining hopes Eames might have but still acting rather oddly. For some reason he was keeping his left hand behind his back as he shut the door and gestured her into the kitchen. He sat down at the table his right hand resting on it and his left beneath so she couldn't see it.
Perhaps it was an early and surprise gift for her birthday next week? The sort came in a small velvet box, intended to be worn on a finger of the left hand and rather more "romantic" than the full set of plumbing tools and an instruction manual he got her last year?
"So what it Bobby?" she asked gently
"Promise you won't laugh?" he muttered fidgeting about in his chair
"I swear Bobby" she breathed sitting down opposite him "I won't make fun of you…there's nothing you could do or show me that would…"
Eames realised her imagination was running away with her as she quickly said in a more business like manner. "So what is it?"
"This" Bobby lifted his left hand from under the table
"Aargh!!" Eames screamed briefly at what looked like some huge and hideous deformity appeared to have consumed Bobby's hand. It would make more things than ever getting a ring on it impossible for the future.
As he put it on the table Eames stared at the china model of a Holstein cow where Bobby's hand used to be. It looked like he was performing a procedure of an obstetric kind on a miniature bovine better left to a qualified vet.
"You got your hand stuck in the cookie jar" Eames said stating the obvious. "That vile joke cookie jar your so called friends you sit behind home plate with got you last Christmas"
"You noticed huh?" Bobby muttered in a tone it was hard for her to work out. "I was giving it a good wash out…and…um well…you see the problem"
"I guess that's a more likely explanation than trying to deliver a bull calf" Eames growled. "I always hated that thing. It's disgusting"
"Stops you ever having any chocolate chip cookies with your coffee though doesn't it?" Bobby said recovering some of his equilibrium and starting to play clever .
"Maybe "Weight Watchers" should start retailing them?" he ."Halve the nations obesity problem overnight?"
"At the risk of a milk products cliché Bobby" Eames gestured to the icebox. "Have you tried butter? Like I used when you got your head stuck in the railings at Central Park that time?"
"I was trying to get a better look at a crime scene and you know it Eames" he retorted his face flushing the colour of bright red his ears had gone trying to wrench his head free. "And I was bothered by wasps the rest of the morning because of the butter"
"It worked though" Eames shrugged "So did you try it?"
"Yes and as soon as my hand is free I shall be taking this shirt to the dry cleaners" he said sulkily. "Same as I had to the last time"
"What did we do the time your right hand got stuck in that sewer pipe trying grab the left luggage locker key?" Eames mused. "The one where that guy left the body of his wife in six pieces of matching Gucci luggage?"
"We didn't" muttered Bobby. "That was Ladder Crew 46 and a set of bolt cutters. You only drove me to the hospital for the shots after the rat bites made my hand swell the size of a small overnight bag in the first place"
"Oh yes" Eames murmured remembering how Bobby insisted she take a train to Pittsburgh before he'd drop his pants so the doctor could give him the tetanus and Weil's Disease and anti-rabies injections.
That hadn't worked out so well as it might have looked at one stage. Though they did track down the husband still in possession of the chain saw.
Eames nodded towards the freezer "What about ice? That worked when you got your foot stuck down that drain on 77th Bobby"
"None of that was my fault" he snapped. "It was negligence of the part of the City Engineers to leave the cover off and there's nothing I can do about the size of my feet"
"Fortunately not" she murmured barely managing to stop herself winking and leering at Bobby. "I mean…of course not. Have you tried sort of scrunching your fingers together and a twist action?"
"Of course I have" he muttered. "All that did was give me cramp and I think I broke a knuckle"
Eames stood up "I guess there's only one thing for it"
She went to the sink behind him, pulled out a wrench she knew Bobby kept under there and brought it down heavily on the offensive cookie jar cracking it into a dozen pieces.
"Aaaargh!" Bobby screamed leaping from his seat "Oh shit…oh no…oh look what you did!!"
"I'm sure your buddies can get you another "Clara The Cow Crude Comedy Cookie Jar" Bobby" she muttered.
Bobby had his left hand shoved under his right armpit "I'll ask them to get me six new bones for my left hand while they are about it" he winced. "Did you have to hit it so hard?"
"Oh I'm so sorry Bobby" said Eames taking a step forward.
"Don't come anywhere near me with that wrench in your hand" yelped Bobby backing into a corner of the kitchen
She put it back under the sink and turned to see Bobby opening a drawer "I thought you kept the coffee filters over here?" she hinted heavily
"I do" he replied. " But I keep the glue in here"
H pulled out a large tube and peered at the instructions "Sets in five minutes. Suitable for wood, plastic, leather…oh here we are…china"
Eames glowered silently and decided it was time she left. Bobby thanking her absent-mindedly as he set about fixing "Clara" and she managing not to slam the door too loud.
As she drove home Eames concluded there was perhaps an "upside"to this after all. With his propensity to get parts of his anatomy stuck inside objects Bobby was fast running out of parts of his body he hadn't yet needed her help to extricate from something or other. She stopped at the store on her way home and got a half gallon carton of the finest chocolate ice cream might very well come in useful some day…it was only a matter of time surely…
AN I'm undecided how I shall resolve the problem the day Bobby gets that part of him stuck…or what exactly he will get it stuck in… I am, of course, referring to the index finger of his right hand…mwahahahaha.
"The Weekend Quartet" continues in Chapters 3, 4 and 5….
