Title of Fanfic "
The Panther"Penname
Moonkitty LiafleEmail address
lunarswan@yahoo.comWhich categories your fic is competing in:
Best AU/ Best Drama/ Best SeriesAny Warnings:
Rated "R" for mature themes, sexual violence; abuseTHE PANTHER
Part II. Testing Bars
Monday morning found me at school doing homework in the library before class started. Sunday had been spent milling about at home doing nothing. When I was done, I went back to the poetry section. To my surprise, Heero was there. He was flipping through a book, but he shut it and put it away the moment I came near.
"Hi," I said stupidly.
He nodded in response, and it seemed as if he was planning to walk past.
"Have you ever read Rainer Maria Rilke? His poems are fantastic." Okay, so I was technically cheating. I just didn't know what to say.
He nodded, his eyes were piercing me. It was really annoying. Since I had already made a complete fool of myself, I figured acting even stranger wouldn't make a difference, "I'm surprised that you don't make any friends, Heero. I mean, you know, kids our age, well, we usually try and talk to lots of people--"
"Are you asking why I chose not to be popular?" he said in a rumbling monotone.
I stopped, surprised. He talked! I shrugged in reply, "Well, it is a little strange. Why won't you talk to anyone?"
"I'm talking to you, aren't I?"
I was at a loss for words. That was new, "Well."
"I don't talk to people like you, Relena Darlian, because you have nothing worthwhile to say."
I was silent.
"You've never suffered. You don't know anything, so you can't understand a person like me."
With that, he brushed past me. The warning bell rang for class and I followed numbly.
And obviously a person like you cannot understand a person like me, Heero Yuy,
I thought as I watched his unruly dark head of hair disappearing into the crowds of people.Chem that day was spent sneaking glares at Heero, and figuring out the homework from Friday, which I still did not understand. Winter Ball was still the main topic of discussion with my friends, so I spent most of the day in the library "studying."
As I sat there, I couldn't help but think about Heero. For some reason, the library always startled up thoughts about him. I don't know if it was the mystery about him or not, but I decided something for certain. It was time I learned more about Heero Yuy.
Instead of hanging around campus for an hour before practice, I followed Heero on his walk home from school. I was discreet, so it surprised me when he turned around and glared at me.
"You know, technically this could be considered stalking." He growled.
I blushed, "Don't flatter yourself."
"Then why are you here?"
I paused to think about that one. Why the heck was I following him? "I wanted to know what you meant."
"About what?"
"About what you said in the library. About people like me not suffering."
"You wouldn't understand."
"Obviously not, but you could explain yourself a little."
He stepped closer to me, his blue eyes narrowing, "You want it clear? Here's the truth: you have no idea what people like me--"
"You could tell me!" I interrupted.
"Why should I tell you? Why do you want to know? What business is it of yours?"
He had me there. What did I want from this discussion? Why did I want to know? I was being nosy.
"You look," I said slowly, figuring out my reason as I spoke, "like you could use a friend."
"I don't."
"You do." I shot back, "I thought originally that you were shy around people, but it's worse than that. You're absolutely terrified of everyone. Why?"
He turned to face me and for a moment, I truly though he was going to hit me. His eyes were blue fire and his dark hair was wild. He lifted a hand to strike me--
But he couldn't seem to do it. Instead, he dropped his arm to his side and looked away, "If you want to help me, kill me. I want this all to end."
And with that he turned and walked away. It was time to talk to Duo Maxwell.
After I got back to school, I went down to the Shop buildings. Duo was said to be a genius with metal, and I believed them. The only time Duo ever stayed silent was when he had a welding iron in his hands.
I suppose he was slightly surprised to see me, but not very. He dated Hilde Shiebecker, who was a cheerleader on my team, and was not unfamiliar with talking to me. I did not, however, know how to start talking to him about Heero Yuy.
I didn't have to worry.
"Hey, Relena!" he said with his usual energy, putting down the tools in his hands and lifting up his face mask, "Whatchya doing around the shops?"
Duo's exuberance was very comforting. I couldn't help but smile at him, "Actually, I need to talk to you."
I suppose he heard the seriousness in my voice because his face turned somber, "Let's go outside and get some fresh air."
The metal shop building was right in front of the softball fields, so we only had to go out the back to get some privacy. The only other people there were a group of smokers hanging out around the stairs to the parking lot.
"What is it we need to discuss?" he said after a minute of wandering around aimlessly.
I bit my lip and plunged forward, "Heero Yuy."
Duo shook is head, "Woah, for a minute there I thought you said Heero Yuy."
"I did."
He grabbed my arm and made me stop walking, "Stay away from him, Relena."
I pushed his arm away, "What do you mean, Duo?"
Duo's eyes, a dark almost-black blue, seemed to glitter with fear. His long braid of brown hair, his usual trademark, was messy from his working in the shops. I had never seen him look so harried.
"Look, Heero Yuy is trouble. Don't get near him."
I was feeling pretty defiant by now, "What do you know about him?"
Duo sighed, "More than you think, Relena. I've been his next door neighbor since second grade."
"Seriously?"
"Seriously."
"And?"
He looked surprised at that, "And what?"
"And why should I stay away from him?"
He shook his head, "Promise not to tell a soul?"
"Did I ever tell anyone you were dating Hilde until after you announced it to everyone?"
He smiled at that, but turned suddenly serious. This was not the Duo I knew so well. He sat down on the bench beside the softball diamond, his elbows on his knees. I copied him, staring out into the dust and grass as he spoke.
"Heero loved his mother more than anything in the whole world," Duo began mildly, "When we were kids, sometimes the other neighborhood brats would call him a 'Mama's Boy' and he was proud of it. Heero can be pretty dense sometimes, even if he has the highest G.P.A. in our class. When we were in the third grade, Heero's dad left. He went off to Las Vegas to get away from it all for a while and never came back.
"Things were hard for Heero for a while, but I think he was okay. His mom got a job as a waitress, and relatives helped pay for the house. Things were pretty much normal until seventh grade."
"Seventh grade?" I asked.
"That's when Heero's mom started getting sick. The doctor diagnosed it to be pancreatic cancer. She had three months to live. Heero's old aunt moved in to help out and he took off time from school to be with her until the end."
"So she" I trailed off. Heero did not look like the sort of person to have such a classic sob story.
"The aunt became his guardian and practically cracked open the champagne bottles in celebration. As you can guess, Heero doesn't like her much. And that's it. That's his past."
"So? Why should I stay away from Heero--because he's had a bad life?! Why should that have anything to do with anything now?!"
Duo shook his head, "You don't know this because Heero and I went to a different middle school than you, and it never went beyond me. What I'm about to tell you--well, you can't tell anyone."
"We've already determined that, Duo," I said testily.
"This is serious, Relena. This isn't some stupid popularity thing, like finding out dark secrets and spreading them, is it? Because if it is, I swear to God, I won't ever talk to you again."
I was so incredibly angry at him for saying that that I couldn't help myself, "How dare you think that, Duo Maxwell? I could hit you for even saying that! Of course not!"
He looked at me curiously, "I don't know why I'm telling you this. Maybe I just need to get it off my chest too."
He sighed and ran a hand through his bangs, "Relena, in eighth grade, Heero started going out with Yolanda Morris. She doesn't go to high school here, so you wouldn't know her."
I didn't know her, but the idea of Heero going out with any girl was pretty surreal.
"Well, I was throwing my birthday party that year, and I had invited several kids from our school, Yolanda and Heero included. At about nine, Heero went looking for Yolanda because she needed to call home. I was with him when we finally found her in the backyard making out with Steve Rossetti."
"The soccer player for our varsity team?" I asked.
Duo nodded, "The same. He ran faster than a bat out of hell, but Yolanda stayed, smiling and looking at Heero. He moved forward suddenly and slapped her. It wasn't anything hard or damaging or anything like that. You gotta understand how screwed up Heero was; he didn't know how to handle himself around girls, or anyone for that matter. I guess it's because everyone he's ever loved died or left him. Ever since seventh grade, he's had a screw loose. He just can't form human relationships.
"Yolanda called home and left after that, and Heero spent the night at my place. He swore to me then that he could never trust himself around anyone else anymore. He was scared to death of hurting someone again." Duo trailed off and looked at me, "Relena? You look really pale. Is something wrong? I'm sorry, but it had to be said. You have to know that Heero Yuy doesn't want anything to do with anyone. People like himwell, their childhood screws them over and then they're dangerous for life."
I shook my head and swallowed my nausea, "I understand your reasons for telling me, Duo. Thank you."
Duo stared at me, "Relena, in all the time I've known you, you've never mentioned anything about your life, but I can guess that this stuff is hard for you to understand."
I smiled weakly at him, "No, Duo, I understand perfectly. Thank you for telling me."
And with that, I got up and walked away.
I suppose I can't quite explain how I was feeling at that time. Dismayed? Afraid? Hopeful? Maybe I understood. But no, they always tell me people like me can't understand stuff like that. They always say that I could not have ever experienced anything emotionally trying. I was perfect, wasn't I? I had everything, didn't I?
I was thirty minutes late to practice when I entered the locker room. I shoved my backpack into my sports locker and began changing when Hilde came up behind me. We exchanged a careful look and she turned to open her locker.
There was a minute of silence as I pulled on my clothes and she looked for her knee brace.
"Marcy wants you off the team," Hilde said suddenly, unlacing her shoes to pull up the brace.
I felt cold all of the sudden, "What do you mean?"
"You aren't concentrating anymore, Relena. You're late too much, you aren't enthusiastic-"
"Hilde," I interrupted suddenly, "What are you talking about?"
"Davey Waters." She replied instantly, retying her shoes.
"What about him?" I asked. Sudden discussion about Davey often unbalanced me.
"They say he's been talking about you."
"What's he been saying?"
"That you haven't been as interested in doing anything recently--that you talk dirty about us behind our backs--"
"What?"
Hilde slammed her locker shut, "Well? Is it true?"
I was shocked at the idea that Davey would sink so low, "No, of course it's not true! I don't do any of that stuff!" I sighed and pressed my forehead against the cool locker, "Hilde, I need to tell you something about Davey"
"Are you cheating on him?"
"On who?"
"On Davey. With Duo."
I stared at her blankly. What was she talking about?
"Why would I want Duo? He's your boyfriend."
"We were doing laps today and I saw you talking with him on the dug out bench on the softball field all alone."
"You know we're friends and that's all, Hilde. I would never want Duo like that."
Hilde put bit her lip and frowned, "So, what were you talking about that made you miss practice again?"
I blushed. I know I blushed. I felt the heat creeping across my face before I could turn away. What was there to blush about Heero Yuy?
"It was nothing, Hilde, just silly talk."
Hilde studied my face intently, "So silly you'd miss practice? I'm serious, Relena. Marcy is our captain, and everyone knows she has it bad for Davey Waters. She's been waiting for an opportunity like this to make you look horrible in front of the whole school."
I frowned at this statement, "Who cares about that? You'd still be my friend, right? What should it matter what the school thinks? You would still talk to me, I'm sure."
Hilde turned away from me, frowning, "Well, you know how it is, Relena."
I stared at her blankly. "We've been friends since first grade!"
Hilde looked away, "I can't stay. Unlike you, I need to stay on this team. See you later."
It looked like there was no one I could talk to after all.
I followed Hilde to practice, ran my now-customary laps, and stopped to the smug expression of the captain of the cheerleading squad, Marcy Ernst.
She put up a well manicured hand and smiled, "Relena, I think I need to talk to you."
I nodded, pushing the sweaty whisps of blond hair that escaped my ponytail. Quite calmly, I took three deep breaths and stepped aside to speak to her.
"Relena, I don't like the amount of tardies you've been having," she said bluntly. Marcy was a beautiful girl, and had been that year's Homecoming Queen. Whatever she lacked in intelligence she made up for in shining hair and sparkling eyes, "I mean, I don't think you are putting a one hundred percent effort into this team."
I nodded seriously, "Yes, I'm sorry, I haven't been myself lately."
Her small lips quirked into a smile, "Boy troubles, Relena?"
I shook my head, "I think I may just be coming down with a cold."
Her eyebrows twitched, "Oh."
I mustered up a grin, "I promise this won't happen again."
Marcy's expression was cool and superior, "Yes, well, I'd hate to kick you off the team, but I'll have you know that you have now been officially warned."
Her eyes searched mine, looking for some sort of reaction. I tried to give her none, "I understand, Marcy. You can count on me."
'You can count on me.'
I wished I could count on someone, anyone.
There was no one.
I suppose I should have really drawn the line of my fascination with Heero right then and there. To me, relationships had always been about popularity. First, you like a guy, then you see if it's socially acceptable to have a crush on him. After that, you go out with him, break up quickly, and move on. It usually helps if there's a scandal involved.
I had been fortunate enough to avoid most of that. When Davey asked me out sophomore year, we stayed a couple. Outwardly, we were very uninteresting. All of my friends told me our relationship was absolutely adorable. How can you talk to anyone about how you actually feel if they envy you? I suppose they told me how wonderful my boyfriend was so often that even I began to believe it. I mean, obviously, Davey loved me. That was the only explanation. He justdidn't know how to express himself.
However, somehow, I could not drift my thoughts away from Heero Yuy. Okay, yes, he was handsome, but that wasn't just it. It wasn't the mystery about him either, even if it had started that way. Somehow, somewhere deep inside of me, a fire was lit. When I looked at him, I felt a spark of understanding flash between us.
Perhaps within him, I saw my salvation.
I'd rather not talk about from what. If I don't talk about it, it feels more like a crazy dream I cooked up, instead of something real and painful. Maybe, if I close my eyes long enough, I'll realize it was all just a nightmare.
So, for the next couple of days, my interest in Heero Yuy was a smothered warmth within me, not romantic exactly, but more of a strange curiosity.
The next day, I received a message on my answering machine from my parents. They had extended their trip for two weeks.
I spent my few hours at home wandering through the dark hallways of the empty house and visiting Daisy, who, as I mentioned before, was never happy to see me. I would sit for hours inside my brother's room, now neat and packed up since he left for college, just staring at the wall. I would drift into my parents' room as well, but not for long. It felt too much like a stranger's place, and I felt like I was intruding.
Behind the doors of my house are so many locks and secrets and unmentioned stories.
I would imagine standing up one day when my parents were home and screaming on the top of my lungs, "LOOK AT ME!!!"
But the dream always ends with them moving on unperturbed.
And that's what I'm scared of--that they won't notice even if I ask them to. So, I never said anything for all of those years. I hadn't uttered a single word.
I'm a coward.
Heero and I were both panthers, like from that poem, pacing restlessly in cages, afraid of the nothingness beyond those bars. He was afraid of love, and I was afraid of freedom. In a way, he was an example of what I was, and through observing him, I observed myself.
So, I continued to watch and study him. The next Monday I worked up the nerve to follow him home from school once again. I was hoping that he was a brisk walker because I could not afford another tardy to cheerleading practice.
As it turned out, he was very fast. So fast in fact that I had a hard time keeping up. He stopped again with in a block of his house and spun around. I darted behind a tree and prayed he hadn't noticed me.
Obviously God wasn't listening.
I had moved off of the sidewalk and behind a huge pine tree that stood on a corner of land between two properties. The pine needles crackled at the sound of approaching footsteps.
"I thought I told you not to follow me," he said coolly, appearing from behind the tree. His hair was wild as usual and his eyes were a dark and angry blue.
I moved away from the tree and smiled, "I never really was much good at listening."
"Obviously not," he replied dryly.
"I just wanted to talk to you," I said carefully.
He crossed his arms and leaned against the tree, "So talk."
Okay, I had to admit it. Maybe there were a couple of romantic thoughts going through my head. He was really good-looking when he stood like that.
"I wanted to know why you close off from others. I want to help you."
He shook his head, "You can't help anyone."
"What do you mean?!" I protested. Did I ever mention how annoying he was too? I didn't know if I wanted to kiss him or maim him.
He lifted his lip into a sneer, "Look at you, all fashionable and ridiculous. Do you care about anything? Are you trying to play the humanitarian or quench morbid curiosity? Maybe you think you'll feel better if you try and help others."
I shook my head, "I don't want any of that." I was having a hard time explaining myself, "I just want to be a friend. That's all. No ulterior motives. Think about it logically, what would talking about you in front of the school do? Duo already told me about it. Why haven't I shouted it across the rooftops yet that you have a crappy home life?"
I sighed in resignation. I knew he wasn't buying it, "Look, I'm sorry. I truly am. Tell me to go. I swear I will leave you alone for good this time."
He was silent, and I had run out of words too. We stood staring at each other silently as the pine needles rustled overhead and time seemed to move on without us.
"My dad walked out on us when I was eight. My mom died of cancer. I live with my aunt and she's a bitch. That's it."
I shook my head, "No it isn't. How did you feel about all of that?"
He moved forward suddenly, grabbed my shoulders and pushed me against the tree. This was not an unfamiliar sensation.
"I held a girl like this once and I hit her. I did it before, and I'm not afraid to do it again."
His palm was raised. I watched him with a grin on my face, taunting death, "No, you won't. You know why? Because you don't want to. Because you can't anymore. You need to isolate yourself from others so they can never be close to you and you won't have to feel pain ever again."
Yet another moment of quiet seized a hold of our conversation. His grip on my shoulder tightened and then loosened suddenly. He let go and took a step back.
"You loved your father and he left. You loved your mother and she died. You loved that girl and she betrayed you. You don't want anyone to leave you, so you're running away first. This has nothing to do with fear of hurting someone, this is about them hurting you."
His face was impassive as always, but there was something wild and nervous threading through the undercurrents of his words, "Where'd you get that? Out of some fifty-cent psychology book?"
I stared at him rudely, "No. I got it out of understanding what you're going through--" I swallowed nervously,"--because I'm exactly the same."
He didn't have to tell me to leave this time. I ran away on my own accord.
