DISCLAIMER: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.
Twitter: themusiksnob / Tumblr: musiksnob
Thank you so much for all of your support, especially for those of you who went back to read I Thought I Saw Your Face Today either again or for the first time.
Thanks again to Sarenka222 for helping me figure out Eli's anxiety level.
Chapter 2
I peered out the side window of Cece's Corolla as she drove me home from the mental hospital. It was the first time I'd been in a car since we made the trip there post accident, but I was so doped up on painkillers at the time that I'd barely been coherent. My arm had healed pretty well; the cast had come off, though my skin still looked pasty and gross.
Initially, I was enjoying the trip. They didn't run the mental hospital like a prison; we were allowed to sit outside as long as one of the attendants was out there, but the car ride provided a variety that I had missed in the almost two months it had taken them to release me.
But the longer the trip took, the more lost I felt. Her car was fine for a short trip but it wasn't Morty. And I was pretty sure Cece hadn't driven me anywhere since I got my license. But Morty was gone and I'd lost my license for at least a year, pending a psychologist's approval.
We drove past Degrassi on the way and there were tons of kids milling around. They seemed more excited than usual. "Today was the last day of school, wasn't it?" Cece asked.
"I guess so," I muttered. My eyes searched for Clare but I couldn't pick her out in the crowd.
Cece pulled up in front of our house a few minutes later, and to my surprise, Clare was waiting on my front steps. I was extra glad to see her because the idea of coming home after being in the hospital for so long was really overwhelming to me. The fact that she was waiting for me was the only force that moved me to leave the car.
She was smiling. "Cute uniform, Edwards," I teased, as I slammed the car door. "But I think my homecoming deserved formal wear." I had finally gotten used to Clare in normal clothes since the last few times I had seen her had been her weekend visits.
She blushed. "I was afraid to go home and change; I didn't want to miss you."
I walked closer to her, and all of a sudden it felt really awkward. I wanted to pull her into my arms but I knew we weren't there yet. She seemed to notice my hesitation and grinned to distract me. "Besides, this is the last time you'll see me in this uniform," she said, giving a twirl that looked out of place in her starched khaki skirt.
"Oh yeah, red shirts for you next year." And I would be stuck wearing them again too.
She shook her head, "No, the board voted and they decided to do away with the uniforms. We can wear whatever we want."
"Really?" That was great news. "I have a whole closetful of black clothing to show off."
"Some things never change," she said with a smile. She said that like it was a good thing but I knew things had to change between us if we were going to make this work.
I was about to invite her inside, when I heard Adam calling my name. He ran over to me and threw his arms around me in an uncharacteristic hug. "Welcome back, bro." I hadn't gotten to see Adam during the time I was away; Cece had offered to bring him up but his mother hadn't let him. I was a little surprised to see him here now, but really grateful. We'd talked a little on the phone or through email, but I really missed the guy.
Adam released me and looked at Clare. "Still in your uniform?" He had on a typical Adam outfit, jeans and a long-sleeved plaid t-shirt, despite the June heat.
"I didn't want to be late," she explained. "Unlike some people…"
"Eli's just glad I'm here," he said, wrapping his arms around both of our shoulders. "Right?"
"Sure."
Adam led us inside. The feeling of being totally overwhelmed came back. Adam and Clare being here made the moment feel a little more normal, but as I sat in the living room, listening to their stories about finals and the last day of school, my mind kept drifting to the last time I was home. Freaking out with nerves before the dance, wishing I had more pills. Coming back and sitting outside in Morty, tweaked out on Special K, hallucinating of Julia. I could feel my hand shaking and moved it underneath my leg, not wanting them to see how messed up I was.
Clare must have noticed my discomfort. "Eli, are you okay?"
I definitely wasn't okay but I couldn't let her see it. "I'm just going to bring my stuff up to my room." I grabbed the duffel bag I had dumped in the entryway and sprinted up the stairs, desperate to get away from their concerned faces.
The door to my room was cracked open. Even though I'd stopped using the lock, the door was always closed, and I opened it with trepidation.
It was worse than I expected. All of my stuff had been moved. Stacks of records had toppled over. Clothes, and papers, and knickknacks mixed together on the floor, but not in the way I had left them. A box that had been perched on top of my laundry hamper was across the room next to my dresser.
I choked down a gasp. My parents had warned me that they had searched my room for more drugs, even though I had been truthful when I told them the few pills I had left over in Morty were the only ones. They swore they hadn't thrown anything out, but that wasn't the sum of my fears.
They didn't understand. They saw my room as a mess, as a random pile of junk. But it wasn't random. Each item I collected had a place, a very specific place so that I could find them at a moment's notice. There was an order to my madness, and having that disrupted…
I grabbed onto the doorknob to prevent my legs from coming out from under me. I did my breathing exercises, trying to calm myself down. I trudged over to my bed, the careful path that Clare had helped me clear disturbed by my parents' tornado. I lay down, breathing loudly and strongly and repeating in my head, "You're okay. You're okay. You're okay."
I tried to remember all of the progress I had made. I had thrown out a lot of stuff – stuff that I never would have been able to get rid of a year ago. I had moved things to places that made more sense, into boxes and off of the floor, and I was still okay. I knew I could fix this. It was good to get rid of stuff and it was okay if things weren't exactly where I had left them.
If only I could make myself believe that.
A few minutes later, I could feel my heartbeat slowing down and my breathing returning to normal. I was starting to feel proud of myself for handling my first mini-anxiety attack at home so well and without medication, when I noticed a large cardboard box sticking out behind my door.
I was trying to convince myself to go downstairs and watch TV with Adam and Clare and leave this mystery box for later but my curiosity got the best of me. I didn't like the idea of something being in my room without me knowing it.
I carried the heavy box over to my bed and opened the flap. A folded blanket hid the rest of the objects – a familiar looking red, brown and orange striped blanket that I had brought with me when Clare and I went on another picnic at the abandoned church.
A blanket I had left in the back of Morty.
I flung the blanket over my shoulder and dug through the rest of the box. Stacks of CDs, most missing cases. My insurance card and registration from the glove compartment. A couple of paperback books I kept in the back in case I was stuck somewhere and needed to kill time.
I flipped through the contents quickly, trying to remember everything, trying to figure out what was missing. I paused when I found the picture of me and Julia – the picture that had been my downfall. It took all the willpower I had to place the photo gently on my bed, rather than to rip it to shreds.
I was pissed…so fucking pissed that my parents must have gone to the impound lot and cleaned out Morty without even telling me. They might have missed something; they didn't know what was important.
A few candy wrappers and an empty coke can. A sweater of Clare's that was now stained with grease from a rag that had been lying on top of it in the box. A jar of change for tolls.
My hands were shaking as I turned over the last few items. I couldn't believe that these were the remnants of my life with Morty, that this was all I had left. I ran through the catalog in my head, trying to figure out what was missing. They had done a good job, saving things no one else on earth would have saved, but I knew there was something I had lost. It was bad enough that I would never get to see Morty again, that I had fucked him up beyond repair. The panic settled in my throat as I frantically wracked my brain for the answer.
Clare's poem.
Oh, God, Clare's poem wasn't in here. I flipped through the pages of notebooks, trying to find the ratty napkin that she had presented me with during lunch. It wasn't wrapped in her sweater or stuck inside the Coke can or…
Fuck I couldn't breathe. I gasped for air, clutching my chest as I sank to my knees, resting my forehead on the bed. I wasn't sure if I was going to puke, have a heart attack, or die but I hadn't felt like this in a long time. Not since before Dr. Loughner. Not since before the anti-anxiety meds.
"Cece," I croaked, unable to get enough oxygen to formulate words. I wanted to call her, to ask her to bring me the bottle of pills I knew she had hidden somewhere, to beg to give me more than one to make this pain go away more quickly.
The breathing techniques and the mantra weren't working. I collapsed into a ball on the ground, hoping that this would be quick.
"Eli!" I heard Adam's sharp intake of breath and was glad that I didn't see Clare behind him.
"Close the door," I managed to get out.
He did as I asked then ran to my side and helped me pull myself into a seated position on the floor at the foot of my bed. "Do you want me to get Cece? Do you need an anxiety pill?"
"No," I cried as vehemently as I could. "Not with Clare here."
"Eli," Adam chided.
"I don't want her to know how weak I am."
"You're not weak you're sick."
My body had stopped convulsing but my hands were still shaking. "I'm addicted. I need to break the addiction."
"Dude, I get where you're coming from. But the problem is you're not addicted to heroin. You actually need these."
I shook my head. "I can beat it. It's the only way I can get better."
Adam gave me a hard look. "What's going on, Eli? You've been up here forever."
I wanted to tell him about the room and my stuff and the box and the cravings and the panic attack but my voice box locked itself up. "I lost Clare's poem." My voice was a scratchy whisper.
"Which poem?"
Did it matter? "She wrote it…during lunch…on a napkin," I struggled, taking deep breaths between each phrase.
"The dirty one?" he asked. I narrowed my eyes, not understanding. "The one Ms. Dawes forced her to read out loud until she realized just how sexual the words were?"
Now that Adam brought it up, I remembered that moment – watching Clare's blushing face as she read the poem out loud, fully knowing that it was about me and how much she loved and wanted me. I wanted to hear her read that poem to me again.
"I lost it," I repeated, sniffling to try to keep the tears inside.
"Well, she handed it in for English class, so she must have a copy on her computer. She didn't give Ms. Dawes the napkin."
"It's not the same," I whispered, and Adam peered at me curiously.
"It's about the words, Eli. It's about the feeling." He gestured around the room. "It's not about the piece of paper it's written on."
Adam and I joked around most of the time. I think this was the first serious conversation we'd had since I told him about Julia. But I found his wise words were stuck in my head, and they did make me feel a little bit better.
"I can't ask her for it," I said, my voice still soft but less shaky. "It's a love poem. It's about how she used to feel about us."
"She loves you, Eli. She wouldn't be sitting downstairs waiting for you if she didn't."
Adam stood and then held out his hand for me and helped me up. "Come on," he said. "I'll turn on the Xbox. You don't need to talk until you're ready."
"Wait," I said, recalling something Adam had just said to me. "How did you know Cece was hiding anxiety pills in case I needed them?"
His face fell. Adam was a terrible liar and I watched him try to think up an excuse before he sighed and told me the truth, "Cece and Bullfrog told me. I came over a few days ago and we talked about what things would be like for you when you got home and how we could help you."
I squeezed my eyes shut, unable to look at him. I couldn't believe they had done that. "Was Clare there?" I gasped.
Adam nodded. "Like I said…she wouldn't be here if she didn't love you. We both just want you to be happy."
I wanted to be angry, but I knew Adam had kind of put himself out on the friendship line, so I just clapped his shoulder and gave him a smirk. I was too emotional to talk about feelings anymore so I just headed downstairs, feeling a little lighter than I had a few minutes ago.
When we reached the living room, Adam immediately turned on the TV and started setting up. I saw Clare was sitting on the edge of the couch, biting her fingernail. She looked at me nervously. "Everything okay?"
"Never better," I said glibly. She flinched and I realized the last time I had used those words was when I was pretending I didn't care about her. I leaned into her a little and placed my hand on her back for just a few seconds. "Because you're here."
Her eyes lit up and I was glad I saved that moment. Adam handed me the controller. "Get ready to lose."
Adam grabbed another piece of Italian bread. "And then Drew took off his uniform shirt and ran out of the classroom. Of course, who's the first person he runs into? Our mom, the only person on the school board who voted to keep the uniforms." Adam shook his head. "He's going to be grounded for at least two weeks."
"For taking his shirt off in school? It wasn't like he was naked," Bullfrog said. "Man, if they grounded you for taking your shirt off in high school, Cece…"
"Ugh, Dad, don't finish that sentence," I said. I was shoveling Cece's incredible baked ziti into my mouth at a record pace. It beat institution food by a mile. "Mom, this is the best food I've ever had."
She grinned. "Glad you liked it."
Adam guzzled down the last of his Coke. "Oh, we forgot to grab the wine; does anyone want some?"
The light mood immediately came to a halt as Clare looked at me with wide eyes and Cece shook her head. "I think we'll stick to soda tonight, Adam. I have to get up early tomorrow and Bullfrog's stomach has been acting up and you kids really aren't supposed to be drinking anyway."
"I'm not an alcoholic," I reminded her. "You can drink wine around me. I won't even have a glass if it makes you feel better, but even if I did, I'd be fine."
Bullfrog looked uncomfortable. "We're just trying to follow the rules. When things are more settled down, we can revisit this."
I rolled my eyes. They'd been letting me drink a glass of wine or two with dinner every now and then for about three years.
"That was delicious, Cece," Clare said, placing her fork back on her plate. She glanced at her watch. "Oh, my dad's going to be here in a few minutes. He wanted to take me out for ice cream to celebrate finishing Grade 10 and I couldn't talk him out of it." She gave me a sad look, and I really didn't want her to leave either. We hadn't talked much, though our spirits were higher during the video game marathon and our amusing family dinner.
"Can I walk you out?" I asked her, and she nodded. I noticed Cece giving me that approving Mom look that I hadn't seen very much of lately.
She thanked my parents and gave Adam a quick hug, and then I followed her out the front door. I was glad her dad hadn't arrived yet, because I wanted to talk with her alone.
"Thanks for coming over today," I said, not wanting to overwhelm her. "It was really great to see you."
"You too," she said.
"Clare, I…" I broke off, trying to figure out exactly what I wanted to say. I could see something in her eyes, something that looked a lot like hope, and that gave me some confidence. "I want to do things the right way between us. I want us to be able to trust each other again, for you to trust me. I want to take things slow and get to know you again, as friends and hopefully at some point, as more than friends. I wanted to know if I could take you out on Friday night, a date – just the two of us."
She smiled and her cheeks were a little flushed as she nodded. "I would like that very much."
"Great," I said, letting out a sigh of relief.
"What do you want to do?"
Crap. I hadn't thought ahead that far. "I'll surprise you," I said. Her eyes widened and I realized she might have had enough surprises with me lately. "I'll text you Thursday with a really big hint."
"Okay," she said, her smile reaching her eyes once more.
Her Dad pulled up in front of the house. I wasn't sure exactly what her parents thought of me, and I wasn't sure I wanted to find out.
"You better go," I said, not wanting to pull my gaze from her.
"Goodnight, Eli," she whispered. She gave me a short kiss on the cheek and ran down the steps toward her Dad's car.
I managed to wait until they had pulled away before I touched the imprint of her kiss on my face.
Her lips were soft and loving. And they looked best when in a smile.
I decided I would do anything to make sure they stayed that way.
