"I want to dream again, cause you'll only love me at night. Take me away like you do in my mind. I can't face the day after you leave me behind. If you'll never stay, how can this love be defined? If morning can't wait will the daylight be kind?"- If Morning Can't Wait (Matt Doyle)
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I can still remember that day vividly. It was the closest I ever came to telling Kurt Hummel how I felt. What he made me feel. It was a simple enough sentence, veiled in shallow circumstance, but inwardly I had hoped he understood.
"Remember, you'll wait for me here, right?"
To this day, years later, I can still see the unshed tears in his eyes and the sheer compassion written all over his face. I didn't deserve anything from him much less his forgiveness. I was grateful to have it, for sure, but I could never accept it fully when I couldn't forgive myself. How could I ever forgive myself for hurting him? For making him leave his friends?
I dream about a lot of things, usually school and hockey, but sometimes I dream about him. I always wake up with a smile on my face, no matter how tame or unfulfilling the dreams are. Just the thought of waking up with him in my arms simultaneously ruins and makes my day.
Is it sad that my lips still tingle at the mere thought of our, decidedly disturbing, but still world altering kiss? Yeah, it is. I know.
The thing is, Kurt Hummel is, to this day, the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Looks are great and all, but when I say this boy is beautiful, I don't just mean physically. I mean inside he shines so bright that outwardly he's a supernova. I'm not saying he doesn't have his faults, everyone does, but they get lost in the awesomeness so easily.
I've found myself doing so many things in the last three years that I told myself I never would; that I never thought I could and he's such a huge part of that, but I have no idea how to tell him.
The day I came out, Freshman year of college, I wanted so badly for him to see it. I wanted him to be there and know that he was the only reason I could ever be that strong. I thought about calling him so many times. I'm not above Facebook stalking, especially when it comes to him, so I had his number, but what would I say to him?
'I know I made your life a living hell and threatened to kill you, but thanks for making me see who I am?'
Bottom line is, no matter what I say to him, it won't ever be enough.
I know he doesn't hate me, but he can't particularly like me either. No matter how wonderful and forgiving he may be, there's no way my feelings for him will ever be welcome.
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The day I came home from school, I had my first face-to-face talk with my dad as an openly gay son. He'd accepted me over the phone and told me I was more than welcome home whenever I needed. All in all, it had gone extremely well, but I was still worried that things would be different for us. What if he didn't want to watch the game with me anymore? What if he treated me with indifference?
Of course, those fears had been stupid. My dad hugged me just the same, if not a bit tighter, and welcomed me home. Our first dinner together was a little awkward because neither of us really knew where to start or what to say, but he eventually broke the silence.
"I- I'm so proud of you, Dave. You've grown into a good man and I know it hasn't always been easy. I wanted to reiterate what I said to you on the phone. You, um, being who you are, that doesn't change anything, okay? It doesn't make you any less a man and it doesn't make you any less my son. Do you understand?" I put my fork down and nodded, trying to find a way to tell him how much that meant to me. He doesn't know the whole story yet and I haven't decided how much I'm going to tell him, but I feel like he deserves to know some of it.
"That means so much to me, Dad, it really does. I know I haven't always made it easy for you either. I know it was touch and go there for a while, but there's so much about that time that I couldn't tell you. I was so scared for a really long time. I didn't know if I'd ever be strong enough to be happy." I paused to take a sip of water and gather my thoughts. I was also a little shaken by just how true that last statement was.
"Not having the pressure of high school made coming out a lot easier, but I couldn't have done any of it, hell I wouldn't have made it through senior year without Kurt Hummel." My dad's eyes grew wide, but still a little knowing and he gestured for me to go on.
"Obviously, I stopped bullying him after Junior Prom. It's really ironic, looking back, that they made us Prom King and Queen, but that night was a turning point for me. He asked me to come out. He was the only person in the world who knew who I was. At first, I couldn't handle how he made me feel. I was so angry with him for flaunting what I could never have, what I thought I could never be." I looked down then. I hadn't intended to share that part with him just yet.
"Ever since you came out, I wondered what really happened with Kurt. I'm going to be honest. Ever since you told me, I've been talking to Burt. He's been incredibly helpful and he's told me a few things from Kurt's point of view that made me wonder. There are still a lot of things I don't know and questions that I have, but I know you'll tell me in your own time. I don't want you to feel like you owe me any kind of explanation. I'm just glad that you finally feel like you have a chance to be happy." At that, he got up and started to clear the table, moving around our small dining room.
"I want to tell you, Dad. You've been amazing with me through all this. It- it makes me wish Mom was still with us. She'd be so proud of you." He stopped stacking plates then and pulled me into a hug. I smiled into his shoulder and tried not to take the moment for granted. It was rare for my dad to be outwardly affectionate.
"Thank you, son, you don't know how much it means to hear you say that." We separated and he went back to the dishes. I helped him clean up a bit more in comfortable silence.
"So, I know you're looking for a job this summer. Cornell's scholarship is wonderful and you know how proud I am that you're supporting yourself through school, so I thought I'd give you a push. Burt offered to let you help around his shop for the summer; just running errands and cleaning, few quick oil changes. How does that sound?" My brain stopped.
Burt Hummel had offered me a job. I would most certainly see Kurt if I accepted.
Could I handle that? Again, the fear of rejection hung over me. Even though I'm out and proud at school, I don't really have time to date. Between hockey and homework, I barely have time to sleep. Even if I did have time, it wouldn't be fair to put someone in that situation. I have to get over Kurt Hummel before I can put myself out there.
The problem was, as time went on, it looked less and less likely that it would ever happen.
Maybe this job would give me the push I needed to finally find some closure. If I could find the balls to talk to Kurt at all, then I would tell him how much, even inadvertently, he's helped me. I could do this. Really.
"Son, you alright?" My dad asked. It looked like he had tried to get my attention and failed a few times.
"Yeah, sorry, spaced out. That would be awesome. I'll go over there tomorrow and figure out a schedule. I can't believe he's willing to help me. I mean, I know that he raised Kurt and, of course Kurt's amazing, but I really don't deserve this from him." I saw the corners of my dad's lips lift just slightly as he dried the last of the dishes.
"Well, I think it's obvious that you've made some big changes since you wronged his family. Burt's a naturally forgiving guy and I might have spent some time bragging while we watched the game a few times." He smiled fully then and ran me out of the kitchen so I could turn on the Red Wings game.
As I got comfortable in my regular spot on the couch, I thought about what it would be like to actually see Kurt. It had officially been a year since graduation and even longer since we'd properly spoken. I'd been living off my vivid imagination for so long, it would be strange to be face to face with the boy of my dreams again.
I can do this…
A/N: Oh my god, guys. You're all awesome! Thanks to those who reviewed and put this on their alerts : ) So, I think I caught everything, but the tense got a way from me a few times, so if you notice anything that's awkward please let me know. I never intended Dave to be such a huge presence in this story. It was meant to be Kurt's journey with Dave helping him. Now it will be about how they help each other and I couldn't be happier.
Still no ownership... pity. Max Adler is yummy ; )
