Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
Chapter 2: Slipping Away
James' POV
The next day was nothing short of Hell for me. I was tired, so I kept falling asleep in class, so the teachers kept yelling at me and giving me detention. And it doesn't help that I'm Head Boy. That just looks really bad.
And the Head Girl was not happy about that at all. Lily Evans kept glaring at me throughout the day, thoroughly outraged that I had three detentions. I was doing them during lunch because of Head Boy duties and Quidditch practice, which was the only bright side. That meant all the detentions would be shorter than an hour. But I wouldn't have lunch for the rest of the week, which had been my original plan to catch up on sleep
"Mr. Potter! Would you kindly pay attention?" Professor McGonagall shouted. My head snapped back to the front of the class. McGonagall was staring daggers at me. I smiled sheepishly.
"Sorry Professor," I said. Her eyes narrowed and she went back to her lesson on multiple transfigurations at once. I sighed and ran a hand through my already messed up hair. To be honest, McGonagall was lucky I wasn't asleep right now. I desperately wanted to, but in this class, that would be suicide. She'd give me detention for a month and not care about cutting into Quidditch practices. And as captain, that was not going to happen.
The bell rang, startling me yet again. Had that much time really passed? It didn't even feel like it's been twenty minutes into class yet! And I know I didn't fall asleep! At least I'm pretty sure I didn't…
"You coming Prongs?" Sirius asked, standing at the door with Remus and Peter. I nodded and grabbed my bag as I stood up. We didn't stop at the tower to put our bags away before going right to dinner. Ugh, food.
I didn't put anything on my plate, pushing it away from me instead. Remus narrowed his eyes at me. I inwardly sighed, knowing what was coming. In 3, 2, 1...
"James, you have to eat something," Remus said. I rolled my eyes and rested my head on my hand.
"I'm with Remus on this James. You slept through breakfast and made up one detention in lunch, not eating then either," Sirius said. He proceeded to shove food into his mouth when he finished talking, which for once did actually seem kind of revolting.
"I know, I know, I'm just not hungry," I said. True enough. Whenever I have that dream I usually don't feel like eating until I'm about to pass out. Unfortunately, Remus and Sirius have noticed this.
"James, whether you're hungry or not, you still need to eat. Your body still needs food," Remus said, pointing his fork at me.
"Yeah! You got to keep it nice for the ladies!" Sirius said, pumping a fist in the air. I rolled my eyes and heard several people surrounding us trying to stifle their laughter. Leave it to Sirius.
"James, we will drag you to Madam Pomfrey if you don't eat anything. And you know the first thing she'll do is ask Dumbledore if you can see professional help when we tell her why you won't eat," Remus said. I winced. He wouldn't dare…
"We will tell her mate if you don't eat," Sirius said, reading my mind. Or my expression, which is probably very easy to read right now.
"And then you know how things get around in this school. Everyone will know in two days what happened over the summer, including the Slytherins," Remus said. Ouch. He used that card on me? I must be worrying them.
Reluctantly, I pulled my plate closer again and piled a decent amount of food onto it. And just like every other time I tried to eat the day after the dream, I couldn't actually smell the food. I smelled the carnage of the back porch.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I forced some of it into my mouth and for my mouth to chew and swallow.
Worst. Mistake. Ever.
And that includes when I tried to steal Bellatrix Lestrange's wand last winter break.
That one bite was not going to stay down. The only thing I smelled now was the rotting flesh of two corpses covered in crimson blood. My vision kept flickering on me, changing from the Great Hall to the back porch with two bodies laying lifeless…
"James? Mate? You okay?" Sirius's voice blearily made it through. I didn't say anything. I don't think I could have if I wanted to. I reached for my pumpkin juice to take a sip of it. Has it always been so red? Disgusted and very close to vomiting, I put it back down. I shoved the plate away again.
"James?" Remus asked. I vaguely heard Peter echo it.
"Is he okay?" another Gryffindor asked. I closed my eyes, thinking that would help. It didn't in the least. I could see it even more clearly now. I opened my eyes again and took a few deep breaths, which did nothing to help, instead only giving me a better sense of what I know is supposed to be food. There's only one scent though…
I looked around the room for something to pull me out of this. I saw people eating, shoving things into their mouths. Things that had a strange flesh tone to them.
And that was all I could take. I jumped up and ran from the room, raising some heads I'm sure. I heard my name called, but I really don't care right now.
I ran to the first boys' bathroom I came across. I gripped the edge of the sink and hurled for all I was worth. Disgusting, vile act of the human body…
It wasn't much, seeing as how I hadn't eaten much, but it was still gross. I was shaking worse than a leaf in a hurricane. My knees were threatening to give out beneath me, but I'd lost control of my body.
Distantly I heard the bathroom door open and close, and footsteps on the tiled floor.
"That is the last time we force him to eat," Sirius said behind me.
"Agreed," Remus said. Geez. I must look like something chucked up from Hell if they're saying that.
I looked up into the mirror. Remus looked pale, even for him. Sirius was just upset. Peter wasn't there, probably still running after us.
Me, well, I looked like something chucked up from Hell. My face was covered in sweat and what I think are tears, though I don't remember crying, and was also flushed as if I have a fever. I'm still shaking as well, which isn't helping things at all.
And suddenly, everything is too much. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm sick of it all. I'm sick of the war and of Voldemort and of school and of just trying to act like everything is normal when it's not! Everything is far from normal! Nothing is ever going to be normal again!
I grip the edges of the sink harder and squeeze my eyes shut as I feel the strength begin to leave my legs.
"James? Are you ok?" Sirius asks me. Ok? Am I ok? What kind of jackass question is that? I'm far from ok! I'm losing it! I'm pretty sure my thoughts were leading towards suicide three seconds ago!
"C'mon James. You're stronger than this. I know you are. Hell, you know how to keep a werewolf in check," Remus said. The muscles at the corner of my mouth twitch to form a smile, but nothing comes of it.
But he's right. I am stronger than this! I can -And will- overcome this!
"Why does it have to be so bloody painful?" I ask, barely audible to my own ears. I feel a hand on my shoulder. Sirius I think.
"You wouldn't have loved them if it weren't painful now. C'mon, lets go play some exploding snap or something," Sirius said. I don't turn. I've lost control of myself again. Why does it keep slipping away? Why does everything keep slipping away?
In sixth year, my grandparents had died. All four. Supposedly of natural causes. And in the middle of the year Sirius and I were both kidnapped and tortured near death over Winter Break. Then I come home for summer and find my parents dead. Why do they have to keep slipping? No matter how hard I try and hold on to them, they keep slipping through the cracks in my fingers…
My knees finally give out and I'm on the floor, tears streaming down my face again. My hands are still above me hanging on to the sink. It's my only lifeline in this Hell we call life.
"James!" Sirius calls out, surprised at the sudden fall.
"I'm hoping this is just a combination of lack of sleep and food," Remus says. "Physical we can handle."
"Well, he's obviously not going to get up on his own," Sirius says. I'm so far gone now I hardly realize he and Remus are lifting me to my feet and half carrying/half dragging me through the halls. Am I helping at all? Or am I just dead weight?
"You have to keep moving James. Your parents wouldn't want you to fall into this depression," Remus said. I open my eyes a crack and see scarlet carpet beneath us. How had we gotten to the common room so fast?
"Holy toad! What happened to James?" someone shouted. This of course got the attention of the entire Gryffindor common room.
"He's just tired! Back off you gits!" Sirius yelled. Well, better make a show now.
I supported my own weight again, making Sirius and Remus turn their heads. In the corner of my eye I saw Peter at our usual spot with all of our bags. He looked to be on the verge of standing up, but not sure what to do.
"I'm fine. Just didn't get a lot of sleep last night," I said, further proving Sirius's point. I walked over to the steps leading up to the boys dorms as if someone else is controlling me. I felt like a puppet.
"James," a voice called out behind me. I quietly groaned and turned, and then regretted quietly turning. Lily Evans stood there in all her glory with a concerned look, looking at me. Her perfect hair was down today.
"Yeah?" I asked.
"Are you really okay? I…I saw you run out of the Great Hall at dinner," she added quietly. "You looked like you were going to be sick." Her emerald green eyes held nothing but concern for me.
"I just need to get some sleep," I said. Why couldn't I lie to her like I could to everyone else? Why couldn't I tell her I'm fine?
She wasn't convinced with that, and I knew I hadn't been convincing in the first place. Besides, she's smart. She can put clues together. Hell, she probably knows about Remus's "furry little problem" and knows that she has to keep quiet.
Well, that might be stretching it. But she is brilliant.
I smiled at her and went up to the dorm room. I didn't even bother changing before falling into bed and curling into a ball to sleep.
End Chapter
This seems kind of short to me, so I'll try and make it up in the next few chapters.
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