Chapter 2
Severus arrived in the Forbidden Forest in pouring rain and cursed under his breath as he drew his cloak around him. It had been dry in London, why did it always rain in this god-forsaken place? He trudged towards the edge of the trees wishing for the hundredth time that he could apparate into the grounds at Hogwarts. Every muscle ached as he struggled over the uneven ground and he could feel his hands start to cramp in the cold and damp. The cruciatus had been bad tonight, as Albus would see in his memory, Severus thought, his heart sinking. He wasn't sure what was worse, the curse itself, or the hypocrisy of the Headmaster's concern afterwards. The old man had had his suspicions tonight Severus knew but had at least had the decency to wait until the others had gone before putting on his show of sympathy. Oh it would be unbearable tomorrow though once he had seen how Severus had writhed and screamed.
He had reached the edge of the Forest and stopped for a moment staring out into the curtain of rain. He knew that he was being unfair and that Albus would be genuinely upset at his treatment tonight, but he just could not let people get too close. He had wavered tonight and told Albus his fears about the attack on the school, but not about how he really felt - that he had lost hope of winning this war, and that he had done things again and again that he could not live with, that made him loathe himself. If he ever started to talk of that, he knew that he wouldn't be able to stop and everything would be ruined. He didn't want to think about what Albus would do if he told him that he just couldn't go on any more, the options were just too frightening.
Severus set off again into the rain sighing as he wondered whether it would wash off the blood and he could just go to the School, leave the memory in Albus' office and go to bed. Not that he would be able to sleep but at least he would be able to lie still and let some of the cramping ease out of his back and hands. Ahead in the darkness he saw the lights of Hagrid's hut and a gust of wind blowing rain into his eyes made them shimmer and flicker. At least he would be able to get warm he thought as he turned towards the path, and it might stop raining while he was inside with Hagrid.
Severus knocked on the door which was opened almost immediately by Hagrid.
"How many times have I told you that you should check who it is before you open the door" Severus said wearily. "Can I borrow your water barrel Hagrid, I need to clean up a bit."
"Course you can Professor" Hagrid said, "but come inside and I will bring some water in."
Severus walked into the hut feeling, as he always did, a rush of envy for this simple way of life. There was a pile of potatoes partly peeled and a huge mound of carrots covered in earth. The fire was burning and the cluttered room felt cosy and warm. A row of dead weasels hanging above the fire was a slightly discordant note, and smell, Severus thought trying not to get too close, but even they looked quite peaceful hanging there with their eyes closed.
"Ah, you saw my weasels then!" Hagrid said proudly as he struggled in with a huge bowl of water, and then stopped as he saw Snape's face. "You're hurt" he said frowning, "here, let me see."
"No, no I am fine." Severus assured him. "It's not my blood but I do need to clean it off. Thank you."
Hagrid handed him a grubby dishcloth and Severus took it trying no to think about what it might last have been used for. He took off his cloak and looked down at his bloodstained shirt with distaste.
"Do you mind if I put this on your fire Hagrid?" he asked "I don't really want to try to clean it." If the half-giant was wondering why Snape was standing in his hut at nearly midnight soaked in blood, he gave no sign of it and Severus was grateful when he simply nodded and watched as Severus took it off and threw it into the flames. It was soaked and there was some hissing and spluttering as it caught, but it was soon burning and the blood no longer visible. Severus wished it was so simple to get rid of the memory of how the blood had got there. Although, to be honest it was, and he knew how to do it but Albus would kill him if he messed about with his memories like that. It was very dangerous anyway, people went mad doing things like that….
"You're too thin Severus" Hagrid said, interrupting his musings, and Severus glanced down suddenly feeling awkward. The blood had soaked through onto his skin and ignoring Hagrid's comment he plunged the cloth into the freezing water and slopped it over his chest and arms, rubbing vigorously. The cold made him shudder but it felt good and he splashed the water onto his face and bent over to wash his hair. When he had finished Hagrid handed him a scratchy grey towel and Severus dried off gratefully.
"Better?" Hagrid asked
"Yes, much"
"Come and sit by the fire and get warm while I try to find you something to wear. It's alright" he smiled seeing Severus expression, "I won't give you some hairy old thing of mine." He rummaged about in a trunk in a corner. "Here you are!" he announced waving something. "This is nice and soft and should fit you, you being so thin an' all." He held up a maroon sweater with a huge "R" knitted onto the front. "Ron left it here once and I haven't got around to giving it back yet. Perhaps you can when you have finished with it."
Severus face froze in horror at the sight of it. "Ah, I think I'll be alright with just my cloak Hagrid. It's not that far to walk." He said quickly, appalled at the thought of wearing the thing.
"Oh I see – too fussy to wear something coz it's Ron's. I know you don't like him Professor but that's taking it a bit far when you're sitting there like a scrawny great crow freezing to death."
Severus ignored the unflattering description and gestured vaguely with his hand "It's not so much the Ron –ishness as the, well, maroon-ness and the "R". He stood up quickly to get his cloak and suddenly felt the room tilt and the edges of his vision go dark. He swayed and would have fallen if Hagrid hadn't caught him.
"Sit down" he heard Hagrid say through the ringing in his ears. "Put your head down. That's right."
Severus felt a gentle pressure on the back of his head and did as he was told waiting for the faintness to pass. After a few moments he lifted his head tentatively.
"Merlin Hagrid" he muttered, "I'm sorry. Must have been the fire. Too warm."
"Hmm, and the lack of sleep and food by the look of you. Now are you going to continue being stupid or are you going to put this on while I get you a cup of tea?" Hagrid asked his voice gentle in spite of his words.
Severus didn't argue, and took the sweater from Hagrid. He was shocked that he had nearly passed out. Albus had been right that he needed to get some sleep. He pulled it over his head noticing that it was beautifully soft and warm and he had a sudden image of Molly sitting knitting in the kitchen of the Burrow. Secretly he loved the Burrow, it was what a home should be, not like Malfoy Manor he thought with a shudder, all stone and shadow. His face darkened at the thought of Lucius. He had been there tonight, laughing as Severus was cursed, and torturing Smith, making sure that the man screamed and screamed….
Hagrid was watching him when he looked up and although Severus managed what he hoped was a reassuring smile, he knew that he had worried the kindly half-giant. He took the huge cup of tea that Hagrid held out to him, appreciating the warmth as it seeped into his fingers and eased the pain in his hands. He sipped the scalding tea and carefully put the cup down on the hearth before sitting back and massaging his hands.
"Your hands bothering you?" Hagrid asked watching him.
"Just a bit of cramp" Severus replied "It's probably the cold."
"P'raps, although the Crucio would do that wouldn't it."
Severus looked up in surprise. Hagrid was more perceptive than many gave him credit for, but he was still startled at the accuracy of the guess. "I'm alright" he said quietly, not bothering to deny it "It wasn't too bad."
"It's always bad" Hagrid said gruffly. "Don't remember too many gentle Crucios myself. You're not alright Severus, I can see you're not. Take your time, there's no rush and then I'll walk you up to Poppy's. Can't have our Potions Master lying out in the grounds all night."
Severus felt a sudden rush of affection and gratitude towards the man in front of him. He was so matter of fact about the situation with none of the drama that so often made Severus shy away from telling others what he had suffered. He was surprised to feel tears starting and reached down for his tea blinking them away.
"Thank you." He said shakily when he felt able to speak. "I would welcome the company but there is no need to bother Poppy. I will be much better when I have had something to eat and slept for a while. Honestly."
Hagrid shook his head "I'm not going to argue with you Severus but you need to take proper care of yourself. It's no fun what you're doing at the moment and we're all worried. Seems like there's not a lot anyone can do to help but don't think we don't notice."
Severus felt anger flood through him. Maybe Hagrid did feel that way, but there were plenty of others who would be delighted that he was having such a hard time. And they were right, he deserved it. He should have realised what Tom Riddle was turning into before it was too late. How could he have been such a fool? It had seemed so right and so obvious that the pure bloods should rule and Muggles be ruled over for their own good but it had turned out to be nothing but the sordid games of a sick bully. Riddle's searing intelligence had enthralled Severus, giving him the challenge and appreciation his childhood had lacked. But what was the point of intelligence without humanity? It hadn't seemed to matter then, that it was a cold and distant thing, spurning kindness and love. That was what Severus had needed at that time, all he felt capable of. But he had been so wrong. The words of some stupid Muggle song drifted pointlessly, irritatingly into his head
"I am human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does."*
Infuriatingly simple, but he had realised too late, and now Albus and Hagrid were implying that he had some value, that they felt some concern for him. Well it couldn't be. He disgusted them, he knew that. He disgusted himself for Merlin's sake.
He looked up at Hagrid who was peeling potatoes, hating himself.
"Thank you for the tea Hagrid. I am going now and I think that after all I would be better alone." He paused and added with a sneer. "I don't need you, and you can keep this, you are more likely to be socialising with Weasley than I am." He pulled off the sweater, dropping it on the floor and wrapped his still wet cloak around his shoulders.
He strode to the door and walked out closing it behind him without a backward glance. He hoped Hagrid hated him. That they all hated him. It made it all so much easier.
Hagrid stared at the door and sighed. Snape was in real trouble, stretched to breaking point, anyone could see that. He picked up the next potato and determined to have a word with the Headmaster about it the next day.
*The Smiths – Son and Heir
