Disclaimer: I don't own or am I affiliated with Star Trek in anyway other than a fan.
A/N:
I feel that I should warn you this may get dark before the end. I don't believe that Spock could have endured so much and not come out completely unscathed. The torment as a child and the lose of his mother who he was very close to and then his entire planet is bound to affect him. Not to mention that repression will eventually work itself out and not always in the best ways. Having said that I'm a happy endings kind of person.
The quote used below is by Bill Watterson. I changed his word 'play' to 'stay' to make it fit a little better, and took out the contractions.
I can update quicker with shorter chapters or less ofter with longer ones. You decided and let me know.
Also thank you all so very much for adding my story, or giving me a review! It was very much appreciated! You made my day!
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Hidden Demons
The next day Nyota woke with the fading left overs of her headache. It was no where near as bad as it would have been had it not been for the attentions of some very skillful hands. As those feeling came rushing back at her she couldn't help but smile. She was beyond please to find that her uniform jacket still smelled of him the next day. It brought a secretive smile to her face that got her more than a few death threats from Gaila.
"You know you can either tell me now or I will pester you to incessantly until you tell me out of frustration!" Gaila said pulling her aside as they entered the dining hall.
"What! I like the way my jacket smells, what's the big secret in that." Uhura tried to sound flippant, but couldn't keep the smile from her lips. As they approached the drink station Uhura was still looking over her shoulder at Gaila whining about how she was the better friend because she always shared her best secrets with her beloved roommate. "There's nothing to tell really, my jacket smells good and I'm in a good mood today. Lucky for you too, because in all your excitement yesterday my brain was looking for a way out of my skull by the time my lab was over."
"Oh honey I'm so sorry!" Gaila said reaching across the table for Uhura's hand. "I don't mean to get so excited around you. I promise I'll try to tone it down. Wait if your headache was that bad why aren't you at Sick Call this morning..." Gaila raised her eyebrows in what could have been a perfect impression of Spock, if she didn't look like the cat that ate the canary.
"Sleep, I got a great nights sleep...." her sentence trailed off as the officers who had been working Academy's main hanger came into the dining hall after their shift. Gaila saw the way her friends pupils dilate, the flush of her friends skin, and it didn't take any of her computer genius to put two and two together.
"Uh huh, right. And if I look over my shoulder right now I won't see some tall handsome alien with smoldering eyes and pointed ears staring at you like you are the best looking thing on the menu."
Uhura heard her, and knew that Spock had too when the expression in his eyes changed, and the barest hint of a smirk on his all too kissable lips. It was completely unfair how good Gaila was at that. As Spock passed by them Gaila made a show of sniffing the air as he passed behind them. The she leaned around the table grabbing Uhura by her jacket and dragging it to her nose. "That's what I thought!" She hissed, her eyes gleaming at now being in on the secret.
"Gaila! It's not what you think. He just held my jacket while I popped my neck, that's all! Completely G rated! I didn't do anything you'd do, so there's no reason to get excited." Uhura then turned her best mother hen stare on Gaila. "Besides didn't you just promise me you'd keep your excitement levels down? Are you trying to make my brain turn to mush, or just out right kill me?" She said Uhura almost had her convinced until the reason behind their conversation stopped next to their table and spoke on his way back out of the dining hall. Spock never ate in there, far too much noise, and too many people in close quarter to make a Vulcan comfortable.
"Good morning Cadet Gaila, Cadet Uhura. I trust you are not suffer this morning as you were yesterday?" He flashed Gaila a stern look, before his eyes again settled on his favorite of the two. He was holding two cups of tea this morning Uhura noticed.
"I am well Commander. I had a pleasant nights sleep and even more pleasant dreams. Thank you for your concern." She said holding his eyes, hoping he got the hint that he was what she'd dreamed of. She missed so very much it hurt. If he felt half as strongly for her as she did for him, or half as much as Gaila believed her did, then she would be a lucky woman Uhura decided. He spoke to her in what Uhura had come to think of as their secret language. It started in Vulcan and changed languages every other word. She knew that he meant this to be private, for just her ears. He even dropped his voice to a lower register, one that reminder Uhura of a purr.
"I think we dream so we do not have to be apart so long. If we are in each other's dreams, we can stay together all night.* Be well today my vaksur. " He took his eyes from Gaila back Uhura's and ended their all too brief conversation with "Good day Cadets."
She could listen to him for hours. Stare at his mouth as he spoke, watching his eyes as the emotions moved behind them like light through a smokey quartz crystals. He was beautiful, painfully so, unimaginably so, and she wished she could find her way into his heart. When he spoke his words flowed over her like honey. They made her feel like she was wrapped in a warm cozy blanket, and in the relaxed state of mind just before sleep. It gave her a feeling she wished she could linger in. Unfortunately for her Gaila was the first to recover. Reaching across the table she tugged on Uhura's jacket bringing her back to Earth. "I swear if you don't tell my what he said I'll put hair remover in you conditioner!"
Uhura just stared at her. Beauty. He'd called her 'my beauty'. She would have given anything to run to him and show him how much he meant to her, how much she missed him. How since returning to the rolls of Commander and Cadet had been almost unbearable for her. He had to know. Surely he must know. She suddenly realized he was no longer standing near their table. Where had he gone? Uhura began looking at all the exits and notice him still standing with his back against a door. When their eyes met he raised one of the two cups. He was waiting for her.
"I'll tell you later, I swear." She told Gaila as she gathered her things. She looked as him before leaving her table to see him nod and walk out the door. She lost sight of him as she left the building, not having seen where he'd gone she didn't know which way to follow. Her first class was Crew Resource Management so she started down that path. As she rounded a familiar cherry blossom tree she spotted him looking over something on his PADD, one cup carefully balanced on the edge of it. He reminded her of a work of art. Standing perfectly still, he was backlit by one of the artificial gas lights that were spread around campus. It seemed to make him glow in the mist of the San Francisco morning. As she stepped out into the quad she noticed they were not as alone as she'd like to be. She considered, for only a moment, going on to class. But she say his eyes shift to their corners to find her and he turned ever so slightly angling his body towards hers. It was an unspoken invitation that she could not deny.
"Commander a word." It was her favorite way to approach him. Her code that this was not business related. "I owe you a huge debt of gratitude for your help yesterday. You saved me from a migraine and I don't think you could ever understand how much that is a appreciated." She smiled at him taking the cup off of the corner of his PADD. "and for this too."
"I did not think you would relish the idea of sitting in cacophonous dining hall this morning." He said to her as he turned to walk in the direction she needed to go for her first class. He waited for her to begin walking, when she did not he gave her a quizzical look. "Is there something the matter? Did you truly have something you wish to speak to me about?"
"You put milk and sugar in this for me." She said sound almost astonished.
"Have I erred? I thought that was the way enjoyed it? If I have made a mistake I apologize, and will endeavor to not repeat it in the future." He said looking her in the eyes trying to comprehend the emotion he saw there. Reading her eyes was not as easy to him yet as it had been with his mother. He was willing to learn if she was willing to give him the time. He was confident in any field of academics, sciences, starship operations, those things were second nature to him. She had quickly become for him just as necessary as life, and just as illusive as it's meaning. But just like any good scholar he was more than willing to spend his entire life trying to unravel that mystery, if she'd allow.
For Uhura's part all she could do was stare at him, and marvel at how exquisite he was. Not only in the care he had shown for her last night, but in his thoughtfulness for her this morning. She silently sent out her words of thanks to every deity, spirit, god, goddess, ancestor, or omnipotent being for having brought him into her life. "No, Spock, sorry Commander it's perfect, absolutely perfect." She reached out slowly to place her hand on his. Giving him plenty of time to be ready for the contact if he chose to block her. She knew he'd understand the gesture even if he didn't allow the feeling behind them through.
Spock nodded to her when he noticed the measured approach of her had towards his. He was pleased with the feelings he received from the contact. Her reaction was beyond what he'd hoped for. He'd wanted to please her. He needed her to remain in his life. He was very afraid that her actions on the Enterprise had been out of the stress of the situation, not from a genuine care or concern for him or his well being. He was glad she'd not noticed or thought to bring up that he'd not called the Enterprise to beam him out of the Jellyfish. He had purposefully guided it on it's collision course with every intention of seeing his self appointed mission through. He'd remember thinking of his mother and wondering if her Terran beliefs on an afterlife were correct. Would he be with her where ever she had gone. Because there was no way to preserve his katra. Not that any one on Vulcan would have wanted it. But when he'd returned to the Enterprise, and she'd been there he had latched onto her. He needed her. He loved her, even if he was not the right choice for her. She was necessary to him, and what is necessary is always logical.
Nyota hoped he was able to feel all the emotions she was trying to send him. How overjoyed she was that he'd thought of her, and anticipated her needs. Then she thought she'd be bold, she thought of the way he had touched her as he had last night, that was no mere neck rub, it had bordered on erotic the way his hands had moved over her head, down her neck, across her shoulder. Her skin still burned from his touch! How it had felt to be in his arms again. How she missed him. How she dreamt of him almost every night. She saw his eyes take on an intense look, and thought this might be a time to broach a difficult topic with him. She thought of his face, and how almost broken he'd looked in the turbo lift. How he's snapped on Jim Kirk. How he'd left the bridge shaken from the power of the emotions Jim had pulled from him. And how he'd returned within the hour looking completely anew. How she knew he'd been throwing himself into his work. How she worried for him, about him. How she wondered if he'd taken a chance to grieve yet. How she would be there for him, and not think any less of him for the display of emotions she knew he was repressing.
She heard his sharp intake of breath and came out of her thoughts. She noticed his eyes had closed off to her, gone hard almost to the point of empty. He took a step back from her, disconnecting them. He turned and made to leave, before he faced her again. His eyes showing her how lacerated he felt at her final emotions.
He'd mistaken her emotions as her showing him how piteous he was.
She'd mistaken his looks grief he was not willing to address.
