I wanna get married, I want it perfect
I want my grandaddy preaching the service
April had grown up the type to be thinking about her future wedding. She had been surrounded by her sisters and her parents love, their wedding portrait hanging in a central spot in the house. She had spent long hours looking at her mother's gown – puffy, white, classic – and how happy both of her parents looked. She had wanted that. She had wanted the pretty spring day with the sun shining down. She had been imagining her wedding since she was old enough to realize what it had meant.
She had watched Libby learn about boys and had watched her classmates start to date. She had always been a little too shy to start reaching out to boys herself, even when she had spent days trying to find excuses to start peeking over her shoulder in seventh grade math class because there was a boy on the football team that she was starting to think was cute. She had never been the one to strike up a conversation and he had started dating someone out of their science class instead.
Dating had always made April nervous. She had worried about what boys would think about her faith, if they would think more of sex than of God, and what she would say if they didn't think about religion the way that she did. It was too much for her to think about and she just let her awkwardness stay in her way. She was sure that she'd find someone to love her, later, when they were both older.
She'd been fourteen when Jackson Avery started public school. The only empty seat in the room had been next to her and he hadn't looked like he wanted to be sitting so close to the front of the room but what option did he have? They talked when they were supposed to compare answers on their worksheets for the day and, when the lunch bell rang, he'd quietly asked if he could eat with her. It had been a nice day and they had sat on the benches out front. He'd bought a hamburger from the cafeteria while she ate the lunch that her mother had packed for her that morning. Since that first day, she hadn't thought about the boy on the football team. She and Jackson had become so close that Libby had started to taunt her about liking Jackson, which April had always denied. They were friends. He was honest with her. If he had a crush on her, she would know it. She was sure she would know it.
But she'd doodled April Avery on the corner of her homework once or twice, just to see if she'd like the sound of it.
She had.
I want magnolias out in the country
Not too many people, save my daddy some money
April was sure that Matthew would want to get married in a church. Her mother wanted to see her get married in their church. It was a special place, a holy place. It was where Libby had gotten married and Libby's wedding had been beautiful. Yet, April had never just seen God when she was in church. She saw Him when she was looking out the window of her bedroom, seeing the green fields of home lit up with the sunset. She saw Him in the people that she met. She saw Him in all of the places that she looked. She knew she didn't have to get married in a church for God to be with her and she knew that God would be with her if she got married somewhere different.
There was a big barn on the very outskirts of town. The owners of the land were an elderly couple and April knew it had been rented out before – weddings, summer celebrations, youth groups. It was beautiful and it was where she had dreamt of getting married there from the moment that she laid eyes on it. She had still been nervous when she had driven Matthew out to the location. They were newly engaged and had only just started talking about wedding plans. It had been in terms of hypotheticals and careful, probing questions of: do you like this or do you like that more?
"So," April said, once the car was stopped outside. "What do you think?"
"You want to get married here?"
"It'll be simple, country, pretty …" April trailed off. "I don't want more than that."
Matthew turned and smiled at her. His smile was so sweet that it made her heart melt a little when he looked at her like that. "It's perfect."
"You really think? Want to take a look inside? You're going to love it!"
April led him to the doors, opening the big entryway, describing as she did so the simple decorations that she wanted out front and Matthew's family had a thing for butterflies, so what if they did something with those up front?
"We'll put all of the seating here and this will be the aisle," she said, taking the steps forward deliberately, as if the wedding march were already playing. She stopped and then turned. "This will be the altar. The priest will be here."
Matthew traced her footsteps and then stood in front of her. "So, you'll be there and I'll be here."
"And we'll say 'I do'."
Matthew took a deep breath and surveyed the barn while April searched his face. "I love it. I mean it. It's even better inside."
"We're going to get married here!"
Right here, in this exact spot, she was going to marry Matthew Taylor. And, though she wasn't sure why, her smile almost faltered.
Ooh, I got it all planned out
Ooh, I can see it all right now
One week from today was her wedding day. April stuck her pencil into her hair and flipped through her planner again, feeling like she had missed something. Her stomach felt absolutely empty. She had been counting down days on her desk calendar. She had been excited and delirious, going in to visit her wedding dress where it was living in Libby's old bedroom. She was getting married! Matthew was the love of her life. So, why was she so cold?
"April? April, you home?"
"Upstairs!"
She heard the thud of footsteps and then Jackson was leaning on her bedroom doorway.
"Put that thing away."
"I just need to make sure everything's perfect. What if I missed something?"
Jackson leant over her bed and closed her planner. "It's perfect. Know how I know?"
"How?"
"Because it's not my wedding and, yet, somehow, I'm sick of seeing this thing. You're golden. Stop stressing."
"Okay, but, what if –"
"April."
"Just let me finishing going through it!"
"No."
"Jackson!"
"April!"
Jackson had beautiful eyes. Anyone who looked at him loved how striking they were. Green and a little blue, somehow, too and the way he smiled at her made her knees weak. Jackson was a handsome man; he had the effect on most people who dared to glance at him. Throughout their years of friendship, April had never become immune to the Avery charm but April thought that it really came from Catherine. No one could grab a room's attention like she could.
"Give me my planner back."
Jackson straightened up and dangled it above his head. "No."
April jumped up on her bed. Jackson just stood up on his toes, leaning away from her. He laughed at her as she grabbed for it, managing to keep it just out of her reach. She half-climbed him, her fingertips brushing the spine of it.
"What if you lose something?"
"Come on, April, trust me a little more than that!"
She lunged for it one final time, crashing her body against his and getting the book back in her hand. She almost toppled backward and Jackson's arm wrapped strong around her to keep her steady.
"I always get my way, Jackson."
"Because I let you."
April shook her head. "Stop coddling your ego and admit I'm right."
"Never," Jackson said.
"Jackson!"
She wasn't expecting him to grab the planner back out of his hands but that was what he did. He took it from her, popped it into the top drawer of her dresser, and then turned to face her, guarding the planner. She crossed her arms over her chest and gave an indignant little stomp of her foot, more for show than anything else, and her bed bounced slightly under her.
"Forget about the planner. Let's go get milkshakes."
"You can't distract me with chocolate."
"And French fries."
April set her jaw for a moment.
"I know you can be distracted with chocolate and French fries."
"Yeah," she said, giving in and smiling at him. "Okay, let's go."
"Race you to the car."
"Not fair! You've got your shoes on!" April shouted, but she leapt from the bed and was already sliding on her sock feet across the hardwood floor of her upstairs hallway.
"That's cheating!"
"No way!" April yelled, and they could have been sixteen again, Jackson teasing her as they ran out to the car that his mother had bought him for his birthday – one that had sat in the driveway and taunted him until he passed his road test.
She grabbed her shoes as she bolted out the front door. She had just latched onto the door handle when the locks on the car went down and she turned to face Jackson, incredulous.
"That's cheating. Besides, I'm already touching the car. I won."
"What are you, ten?"
"You started it."
Jackson was shaking his head at her and then he unlocked the car for her. Feeling smug over her victory, April took her seat on the passenger side.
"Means you're buying."
Jackson laughed at her for that too. "Consider it your wedding present."
April pulled both feet onto the seat with her, leaving her shoes on the floorboards. "Pretty sure that a wedding present is supposed to be for the bride and groom."
"Yeah, well, I like you better. Sue me," Jackson said, starting the car and heading for the road.
"You have to like me best. I'm your best friend."
"Always."
April watched the trees go by for a second and then she blurted, "Last chance to bring a plus one to the wedding."
She didn't know why she said it when she did or why her stomach started twisting again. It was too late, really, to add another person to the wedding.
"Mom's my date. I told you: there's no one I want to bring and you wanted to keep your wedding small, anyway."
"Yeah, but it's you. If you wanted something then … You know I'd do it."
Jackson didn't look over at her, even though she was staring at him.
"Mom's my date."
"Okay," April said, giving up on the conversation, feeling relieved when she did. "You know she's going to be a high maintenance date."
"I know. I can hold my own."
"You are pretty high maintenance," April mused and she just laughed when Jackson had the nerve to look offended.
"Take it back!"
"Nope!"
She relaxed as she and Jackson squabbled, feeling a million times lighter than she had sitting in her bedroom, staring at her wedding planner. Sometimes, a girl just needed her best friend.
He'll have his black suit, black tie hiding out in the back
I'll do a strong shot of whiskey straight out the flask
I'll try to make it through without crying so nobody sees
Nervous.
April was nervous. And exhausted. And ready to put her head through a wall just to stop hearing her mother and her sisters talk. It was one of those days where, though April loved them, she would rather love them from a distance. Today, though, there would be no distance from her family. Today, was her wedding day and that was all about family. It was about her family and Matthew's family becoming one family. It was about she and Matthew at the beginning of their own little family. It was everything to make her smile. Except, she was sitting in the bedroom in her family's home that wouldn't be hers for much longer with a frown on her face.
There was a knock at the door and April nearly shrieked aloud. She had just gotten her one moment alone after hours of being in hair and make-up. She had just wanted one moment alone before her wedding so that she could sit and reflect. But she kept her shriek internalized.
"Come in."
Libby pushed the door open. "Mom thought you might want a cup of tea. She said to make sure you pee it all out before you put on your dress, though."
Sure that was exactly what her mother had said, April thanked Libby for the cup and took it from her hands, sipping at the steaming water.
"How are you?" Libby asked.
"I'm great! Why?" April sounded a little suspicious to her own ears but that only served to wind her up further. Why would she be suspicious?
"You look exhausted and you seem on edge. Are you hungover or something?"
"No, of course not!"
"Did you sneak out with Matthew?"
April knew the way that Libby was looking at her. It was the way that girls in the locker room looked at her in high school after asking her about Jackson – the one where they were dismayed that April was a virgin, not the shared looks of satisfaction when they learnt that they still weren't dating.
"No, I'm saving myself for my wedding night. You know that."
"I know you said it but he's good-looking. No one would blame you for wanting to try him out before the big day."
"Don't talk about Matthew like he's a product," April complained. "I was just with Jackson. We went out for milkshakes last night, like we always do."
"What does Matthew think about that?"
"What do you mean?"
"His fiancée is out with another man the night before the wedding? You were out pretty late with how long the makeup artist had to take covering up those dark circles."
"Libby, I'm not property. Jackson's my best friend and Matthew knows that we're not anything more than that. It's not a huge deal."
"Dad always thought that Jackson was in love with you."
April gasped into her tea. "Why would you tell me that?"
"Because if Dad can see it … The rest of us always thought that you two were something. Be aware of Matthew's feelings."
"Don't tell me about my relationship!" April snapped at her sister. "I'm marrying Matthew today! Jackson has always been my best friend and will always be my best friend. There's never been anything more than that and I'm sorry you're so close-minded as to think a man and a woman can't be friends or that a man would have to be so insecure about his relationship that if she spends time with said friend, his feelings need to be coddled."
"Don't get bent out of shape," Libby said coolly.
"Get out. Thanks for the tea."
"April –"
"It's my wedding day, Libby. Please, just leave."
Libby stood but the two sisters were still in a standstill for what felt like an eternity to April. She stared into Libby's eyes and thought that she was on the verge of sending her sister out the door when her mother called her name from the hall.
"Honey, are you done your tea? It's about time we start getting you into your dress!"
"I'm ready, Mom."
April pushed by Libby.
She was marrying Matthew today.
He's the one I wanna marry
But he don't wanna marry me
It had been a fall evening, a week before midterm season. April had been quick to organize a study group and they were in the library. April had been intending to stay there for a decent chunk of time but, Alyssa, a girl who had been in many of her classes and who had gone to Bible Camp with her during many childhood summers, had convinced April that they should take a break and all go get dinner at a place down the street.
They had just stepped out the door when April started hearing loud music. She had dismissed it. Campus had a habit of being loud and throwing parties, even though it was a Wednesday evening. It was only when Alyssa threw her hands over her head and Nicole joined in with her that Jackson grabbed her by the arm and made her stop. They were surrounded by dancing students, the loud song 500 Miles getting louder and louder. Then, Matthew was in the crowd of people and April had let out a shriek – even now, looking back, she didn't know if it was a cry of fear or excitement – because she knew.
She had burst into tears when he had got down on one knee and she had said 'yes'. It didn't matter that they were young. She knew that they were going to be happy. She knew that she loved him. She knew it was right.
Matthew had slid the ring on her finger and kissed her deeply, spinning her around. April had clung to him, smiling so widely she felt like her face was going to break, and she had looked over his shoulder, staring straight at Jackson. He had smiled at her and waved but she saw the surprise on his face. Whatever Matthew had planned, he hadn't let Jackson in on it. She had hidden her face back down against her fiancé's shoulder, holding onto him tightly.
"I love you," he whispered in her ear.
"I love you too," she whispered back.
I remember the night when he almost kissed me
Yeah, he kinda freaked out, 'cause we had a long history
"Are you so rich that you really never had to learn to make your own popcorn? What kind of a person are you?"
Jackson just rolled his eyes. "This isn't a rich kid thing! It's hard not to burn popcorn!"
April leant forward, curling her fingers around the edge of the counter that she was sitting on. "Do I look like I believe that?"
"You should believe me!"
April rolled her eyes and watched him fiddle with the popcorn maker a little bit more, swinging her leg idly. She looked down at herself and at her bare legs. She was wearing a dress today, something that she didn't normally do because it wasn't always practical and it wasn't always comfortable. She liked shorts and pants because she never had to worry about how she was sitting, how she bent over to pick something up, whether her backpack was riding the skirt up. But her mother had bought her a new dress and she had decided to wear it, to see how it went with the mascara she had stolen from Libby and hadn't given back yet. She thought she looked all right with it on, though Libby squinted at her across the dinner table, calling her ugly duck and telling her to leave make-up to the people who knew how to use it.
People had noticed the dress. The same people who had taken notice of her make-up. Jackson hadn't said a word about it and she had been hoping that he would. It was only his attention and his approval that April really cared much about when it came to her peers. The others tended to either tease her or ignore her. Not to say that Jackson didn't tease her but there was always a warmth to his words when he did. April never felt mocked. Even when he was laughing at her, April usually felt the urge to laugh along with him, because she felt that he liked her quirks, not just tolerated them.
"We'll just cover it in butter," April said, trying to save his popcorn after watching him fuss around with the bowl.
"Second batch will be better."
"We have this popcorn. We wouldn't be able to eat a second batch too."
"This stuff's burnt, you just said it."
"Waste not, want not."
"We're not pioneers, April. We can make another batch of popcorn."
"Still feels like a waste."
Jackson rolled his eyes at her but April still never felt the offense that she did when other people did the same thing. He leant on the counter next to her, so close that her toes were touching his knee and she could feel how warm his body was against her own. She should've been used to having Jackson close by now. They'd never worried much about personal space – never had a reason to. But she noticed this time.
"You worry about too much."
She looked up at him, his hand on the counter near hers and his shoulder nearly touching hers. He was leaning in toward her and April tilted her head to the side. She was trying to think of something to say but the only thing that she could think was: he's going to kiss me. The thing that struck her most was the certainty of it. She was so sure that he was going to kiss her that it felt like a great loss when he didn't.
"But, okay, if you want burnt popcorn to go with your rom-com, we'll have burnt popcorn to go with your rom-com."
Jackson pushed himself up off the counter to go and pick up the bowl and April couldn't believe it. She felt rejected, even though she hadn't asked to be kissed and there was no way to know if she had been right in thinking that he was going to do so. There had been nothing different in the way that Jackson had treated her today, nothing different in the way he stood, or the way he looked at her. That thought really was all in her head – real though it felt – and then April just had to wonder.
Why had she wanted Jackson to kiss her?
And I always wondered if he felt the same way
But when I sent those invites, I knew it was too late
Matthew had an apartment. He'd invited April to move in with him once they were engaged but she'd turned him down, saying that it wouldn't be proper. He'd been good-natured about it, as Matthew was about all things, and said that he would have felt bad if he hadn't asked and she had really wanted to. She was going to move in with him once they were married, since they still didn't know what they were going to do about the house.
That being said, April still spent a lot of time at Matthew's apartment. It had become the unofficial wedding headquarters, since he was the only one living there, and April could be sure that Alice and Kimmie wouldn't accidentally destroy something or that no one was going to misplace something. She had a key to his apartment and so she let herself in one day. Matthew was supposed to be off shift in a couple of hours. She was going to do some wedding things and surprise him with dinner.
She put her coat on the hook, her purse on a kitchen chair. She turned on some music and fetched the invitation list from where she had left it in a corner of the small living room. She and Matthew had spent most of yesterday doing the invitations – luckily, it was a small wedding and their hands wouldn't have lasting damage. She only had about seven more invitations to fill out today and then she just had to take them down to the mailbox.
She settled down at her place, steadfastly inking the envelopes and checking off the addresses as she finished. Jackson and Catherine were in the middle of the list and she paused after writing the first A in Avery. She was getting married, she was so close to getting married, and there was nothing that should be making her pause. But, all at once, she was reminded of being fifteen and writing April Avery in the corner of her homework assignments, only to tear the corner off and shred it into tiny pieces so there would be no hint of anything, even though her mother would get annoyed if she left a paper trail along the kitchen tiles.
April lowered her pen to the table. Jackson was her best friend. She'd always thought of him as her best friend. There had been moments in their long friendship where she had thought, maybe, that she had a crush on him or that, maybe, he had a crush on her. She was always too awkward to say or do anything about it and she had always thought that it was all in her head. He was Jackson. Her parents trusted them to have sleepovers at the same age where Libby was all but forbidden to look at the opposite sex for longer than a second! He was Jackson. He had always been her Jackson.
She had a Matthew now. For so long, Jackson had been her number one, her person. He was the calm in the middle of the storm, the light in the dark. When she'd had hard times, he had even gone to church with her, even though Jackson didn't believe in God. He would sit in the pew next to her and lower his head when she lowered hers. She had always wondered about what was going through his mind in those silent intervals but, just like he had never asked her what she had been thinking about, she had never asked him.
She sat in her fiancé's kitchen and thought about how Jackson Avery was her what-if. He was in front of her, April knew that she would always have him, but she would always wonder if all of the rumours that went around in high school – that they were dating, that they were having sex, that Virgin Kepner was going to make him marry her right out of high school – didn't have some grain of truth to them that she and Jackson were supposed to have a moment where they were something more. Maybe they had missed it, too comfortable in their friendship, maybe it was a mistake that she had met Matthew now and she and Jackson were supposed to fall apart along the way. April didn't know what to think but she knew that it was true. If she hadn't met Matthew, then there would be Jackson. But Jackson wasn't a back-up plan and Matthew wasn't second best.
She didn't want to sit here by herself. Not today. Not right now. She picked up the phone, knowing that he would always answer when it was her.
"Hey," Jackson said.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm going to say that I'm not on the couch in my boxers at three in the afternoon and you're going to believe me."
April giggled. "Jackson, you're a grown-up."
"In title only. It's a Saturday. Even grown-ups get to sit around in their underwear on Saturday if they want to."
"You want to do something?"
"Sure," Jackson agreed, just like she knew he would. "What were you thinking?"
"I don't know. It's just not a be-by-myself type of day. You know."
"Yeah, I get that. You at home? I'll come pick you up in half an hour."
"No, I'm at Matthew's finishing invitations. I should be done by the time you get here. Meet you outside?"
"I'll be there," Jackson promised, but April hadn't doubted it.
He was always there.
And ooh my daddy's been dreading this day
Oh, but he don't know he ain't the only one giving me away
April was visiting her wedding dress. She was almost scared to touch the soft white skirt or run her fingers along the little flowers that crested one shoulder. The sheer part of the fabric scared her because she knew how easy it would be to rip. She was worried about putting it on and hurting it, though she had tried it on more than enough times in the dress shop.
"I knew you'd be in here."
"Do you think I'm going to be pretty, Dad?"
"I know you're going to be beautiful."
April just stared at her dress. All her life, it seemed like pretty had been what she was striving for. She had figured out the proper doses of conditioner and learnt how to turn her hair into something pretty instead of stringy. She had evolved and collected more than Libby's mascara. She had gotten her braces off. She had even looked up old fashioned freckle remover cures because none of her sisters had freckles like she had freckles and they were definitely prettier than she was. For her wedding day, she just wanted to be pretty.
"Two more nights and then I get married."
Her father came up behind her, putting his arm around her. April leant into her father's hold, taking comfort from how strong and sure he felt against her.
"What do you think, Dad?"
"I think Matthew's a good man. I think that you and he will be happy."
"Be honest with me," April said, sensing something in his tone. "I thought you liked Matthew."
"I do like Matthew. You're young, though, that's all that I'm thinking."
"You and Mom were twenty-four when you got married. You're happy."
"I know, I know. I'm not saying that you're too young to know what you want or who you want. You've met a good man, April, and I know you have a good head on your shoulders. You love him?"
"I wouldn't have said 'yes' if I didn't. He loves me too."
"I know he does."
"Is there something on your mind?" April asked, sensing that there was something in his expression.
"No, no."
"Don't lie to me, Dad."
"I always thought that you and Jackson …" her father sighed. "Your mother never thought so but, well, it doesn't matter now. You're in love and I like Matthew. I'm excited for him to join this family."
April rested her head down against her father's shoulder, staring at the wedding dress. For the first time, she looked at her wedding dress and thought of Jackson.
He'll have his black suit, black tie, hiding out in the back
I'll do a strong shot of whiskey straight out the flask
I'll try to make it through without crying so nobody sees
April finished the last sip of her glass of champagne, putting it down on the table. The little hall where they held their rehearsal dinner was almost empty of the guests. She put her head down on Matthew's shoulder and he kissed her forward. April felt a warm little zip, the way that she always did with Matthew. It was none of the fire or the heart-racing that she had read about and seen in movies but April felt like this was more real. The slow, comfortable kind of love that she felt she could cocoon herself in and stay there.
"I can't wait to marry you," Matthew said.
She looked up at him. "Me either."
His hand rested on the small of her back and he pulled her in for a proper kiss. April let her hand drift down his chest.
"I have to get out of here," April said. "It's getting late."
"You're already beautiful, you don't need more beauty sleep."
"You're too sweet." April couldn't help but smile at him. "But, I can't see you after midnight. You can't see me on the wedding day before the wedding."
"I can't wait to see you in your dress."
"I can't wait to see you tomorrow, either."
"April, honey, are you ready to go?"
April looked over her shoulder and waved at her mother. "One minute!"
She kissed Matthew again.
"See you at the altar," he said, and her stomach felt electric.
"See you at the altar," she repeated, and then she was out the door with her mother.
She rested her head against the car window as they drove home while her mother chattered about how wonderful their friends and family were. She called Catherine's date cute and went on about the food and the sweet toast that Matthew's father had given.
"It was a really good night," April said. She rubbed her arm and smiled. She was happy.
The night was starting to get late and when they got inside, her mother herded Kimmie and Alice to their room and then came downstairs with April. She made them a cup of tea and she sat down next to her mother. They sipped in silence but it was nice that they were able to do that. Her sisters were so talkative and so was her mother, usually. Being able to have silence and just wind down after the day was like its own gift. When they were done, April took the cups, glancing at the clock. Jackson was supposed to pick her up in fifteen minutes.
"I'll wash these, Mom. You can go upstairs."
"Are you sure you don't want me to do it? You've got a big day tomorrow?"
"I know. That's why I want to. It's my last night of being the person I've always known before I find out who I am as a wife. I'm okay, Mom."
"You and Matthew are going to be very happy together. I'm glad that you find him."
April started filling the sink, a smile on her face. "You found him. You introduced us."
"Well, you were the same age and he was new to the area. I just thought that it would be nice. I didn't think that you would have this kind of connection but I'm glad that you have him."
"Me too," April said, dipping her hands into the water and beginning to scrub at the cups.
Her mother kissed her on the temple. "I'll see you in the morning, April. I love you."
"I love you too."
She listened to her mother go upstairs and then she quickly finished washing the cups. She crept up the stairs and changed out of the soft party dress that she'd been wearing for the evening and into a pair of her faded blue jeans and her soft, button-up shirt. She was comfortable. She took her sneakers in her hand and slid on her sock feet along the floors, the way she knew that her sisters did when they were trying to get out. She ducked out the window on the first floor that her mother liked to leave open in the spring and summer. She made her way down the driveway to the main road to where her parents wouldn't notice Jackson's headlights. He was already there – early, rather than just on time.
She climbed into the passenger seat – the place that had belonged to her from the moment that Jackson had gotten a car. He didn't start driving right away. Rather, he stayed stopped and looked at her until she started to fidget.
"What?"
"Just … Just crazy the way that things are changing, that's all," Jackson said, shaking his head. "It's hard to think about. We're not even officially graduated."
"Come on. We're sneaking out! Let's not get mopey!"
"I'm not mopey," Jackson said, almost defensively, and April just laughed at him. "What do you want to do? Where do you want to go?"
"Let's … Drive. And then get milkshakes."
"And fries," Jackson said. "I know you."
"I know you do."
Jackson started driving, leaving her house in the distance, and the knowledge that, this time tomorrow, nothing would be the same.
He's the one I wanna marry
But he don't wanna marry me
April had her wedding gown on. She couldn't stop staring at herself and watching the skirt swish as she moved. She was a bride. She was a real bride and she was leaving for her wedding in just a few moments. Tears welled in her eyes and she blinked over and over again. She knew that she was wearing waterproof make-up and she knew there was more than enough time to fix whatever she did to her face but she didn't want to ruin the way that she looked right now.
She felt beautiful.
She felt like a bride and she was about go to marry the love of her life. It was supposed to be the happiest day of her life and she felt happy. Mostly happy. They were happy tears.
She took a deep breath and left her room, hearing the click of her small heels as she went downstairs to get into her father's car. Her younger sisters and Libby were taking her mother's car while April travelled with her parents. She carefully lifted her skirts as she the short distance to where her father was waiting.
"You're beautiful, April."
For the first time, April felt like she knew and she was glowing under her parents' praise.
"Thank you."
"Matthew is going to lose his mind when he sees you!" her mother exclaimed. "Are you ready to go?"
April nodded. "My bouquet and my veil?"
"With Libby. Libby will take care of everything, you know how she is."
April did, in fact, know how all of them were. Her father held open the car door and she sat in the back, twisting her engagement ring around her finger. She was going to get married! Her heart thudded and twisted like mad in her chest. She could barely breathe the closer that they got to the barn. She could already see how many people had arrived and she really did lose all of her breath. Jackson and Catherine were here; she could clearly see their car. That gave her air back.
The car stopped outside of the venue and her father hurried around to help her out of the back of the car.
"Mom, how long until Matthew gets here? Or is he already here?"
"No, he won't be here for another fifteen minutes. You're running ahead of schedule, April."
"Libby," April called, "could you go find Jackson and Catherine? I want to talk to them."
She was sure that it was only her argument with Libby earlier that sent Libby off so easily. She anxiously turned to her bouquet and veil from her little sisters, her mother helping her adjust it. Catherine, too, when she arrived with her date in tow.
"I'm Mark," he said, reaching over to shake her hand. "Thank you for letting me attend."
"I'm happy to!" April said. "Sharing love with more people can only make it better, right?"
"There's our April," Catherine said happily, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and giving her a hug. "You'll never meet anyone more optimistic."
Mark leant in a little too close to April and she tried not to lean back. She felt like he was inspecting her for some reason and so she got as into his personal space as she was trying to get into hers. He broke out into a grin and she felt as though she had passed some test.
"Bet you're more than some little Snow White looking thing."
"Bet I am," she replied.
"So, where are you going with your marital bliss?"
"We're taking a honeymoon to Hawaii and then I'm going to med school," April said.
"Med school? Really?"
"Really."
Mark nodded. "Well, I'm a plastic surgeon based out of New York. If you need anything, you call me."
"Really?"
"Really, but you probably don't want to talk work on your wedding day."
April looked over to her parents, happily talking with Catherine, and then she looked back at Mark.
"I can be a doctor and a wife. There's no reason I can't talk about work on my wedding day."
"I really like you," Mark said. "I see why Jackson talked so highly of you."
April smiled but the mention of her best friend had her looking around again.
"Did you see him inside?"
"Yeah, he was there."
"Did he know I wanted him outside?"
"Give the kid a minute," Mark advised.
April nodded but she looked around for Jackson again.
I've got on my dress now, welcoming the guests now
I could try to find him, get it off of my chest now
"I've never been married," Mark said, keeping the conversation rolling between them.
"Me neither," April joked.
"Tell me, how did you know Matthew was the one that you should marry?"
"He's a good man –"
"So am I," Mark interrupted, "but there's no way that we should get married."
Admittedly, it made April smile and it eased some of the tension in her stomach.
"He believes in God. He believes in me. He's the first person to make me happy like this." She sized up Mark. "Why haven't you ever gotten married?"
"I've never loved anyone enough. Which, funnily enough, you didn't say."
"Well, obviously I love him if it's our wedding day! I thought that went without saying."
"It reminds me of this piece of advice I heard once."
"Which is?" April asked.
"If you love someone, you tell them. Even if you're scared that it's not the right thing. Even if you're scared that it'll cause problems. Even if you're scared that it will burn your life to the ground, you say it, and you say it loud and you go from there."
"Wow," April murmured, reaching up to tuck one of her artfully loose strands of hair behind her ear.
"No one ever jumped into my head when I thought something like that, so, I've never gotten married. Who's in your head?"
April looked down at her flowers. It was Matthew. Of course, it had to be Matthew. He was her fiancé but then, a stronger, more heart-wrenching thought: where was Jackson? She straightened up and looked around again, trying to see into the dark mouth of the barn. She just wanted her best friend, not Mark, who she felt now was just trying to toy with her just to do so.
She just wanted Jackson.
But he won't wanna mess it up, so he'll wish me the best luck
So I'm in my white shoes, white dress while he's in the back
Taking a strong shot of whiskey straight out the flask
Jackson left her.
She had seen him jump over the back fence, running away from her wedding. Why would he do something like that?
"Honey, come on, into the church before Matthew gets spoilt."
April let her mother lead her into the barn, toward one of the tiny side rooms where she would wait until it was her cue.
"Mom, have you seen Jackson today?"
"No. Catherine said they drove together. I assume he's just sitting and waiting."
Right. Assumed. April knew who she had seen sneaking away. She would never mistake Jackson for anyone else. Her mother guided her around the corner and by the gifts table. The edge of her bouquet caught one small gift bag on the corner of the table.
"Oh, gosh! Are the flowers ruined?"
But April wasn't thinking about the flowers. She was wondering why someone would have gifted her a bag full of paper scraps. She carefully knelt down, not getting her dress dirty and picked up the bag and the few pieces of paper that had escaped. She turned it slightly to read the tag. To April. Love, Jackson.
"Come on, before you ruin your dress."
Holding the bag and the bouquet close to her, April allowed herself to be sequestered.
"Dad will come get you when it's time, okay?"
"Okay."
"I love you."
"I love you too, Mom."
April kissed her mother's cheek, both of them making sure that they didn't smear one another's make-up, and then she was alone. She put the bag and her flowers down on a small table and started pulling out notes, wondering what Jackson had given her. She was only halfway through the top of the first sheet of paper before it hit her. Their old school notes! April had a penchant for having the last word in a conversation and so he had ended up with the papers by the end of class. She had always assumed that he had thrown them away – why would he have kept them? But he had kept them, all of those years of scribbling back and forth. Gossip about their classmates and teachers, complaints about cafeteria food, alternative lunch plans.
Her father knocked on the door.
"April, honey? Time to go."
She had one sheet of paper left, just a scrap, where they had been arguing about whether or not Jackson would pass his driver's test.
You're such a Debby-downer.
Who says Debby-downer anymore? Don't be such an old lady, April.
April could hear the wedding march. That was her cue. That was why her father was here. She looked down at the sheets of lined paper, ones that she swore still smelt of her high school.
"April?"
She put the papers back in the bag.
"Dad, make sure you get that after the wedding? I want to make sure nothing happens to it."
"Of course."
April picked up her bouquet. She was getting married now.
We'll try to make it through without crying so nobody sees
He's the one I wanna marry
Her mother and Matthew's mother cried as she walked down the aisle. So did her father. When she was close enough, April saw that Matthew was tearing up too. It was the kind of reaction that every woman wanted from the man that they were going to marry. It was exactly what April had been thinking of when she had been picturing Matthew's face at this exact moment. She wanted to be crying with them; she always thought that she would be. Her heart, though, felt so inexplicably heavy.
"Who gives this woman?"
"I do."
Traditional, beautiful. Just what she wanted to feel when her father laid her hand in Matthew's. April spun to face her husband to be, handing her bouquet off to Libby, serving as her matron of honour. Matthew took both of her hands.
"You're beautiful."
"You're handsome," she answered, and her stomach did its squeamish little dance. It didn't feel like excited nerves.
"We are here today to celebrate love –" the priest began.
April stared into Matthew's eyes. Love. If you love someone, you tell them. She had told Matthew. Even if you're scared that it's not the right thing. Loving Matthew was the right thing. Even if you're scared that it'll cause problems. What problem would Matthew ever cause? Even if you're scared that it will burn your life to the ground, you say it, and you say it loud, and you go from there. That was when it hit April. Mark wasn't saying that people should fall for the wrong person and make love a risk; Mark was saying that people shouldn't fall for someone and make it right. April had fallen in love with someone safe. She couldn't deny that there was something between her and Matthew, but was it what she wanted to live her life feeling? She and Matthew matched so well. There would never be a problem.
Except that she was standing at the altar on her wedding day and all that she was thinking now was that Matthew wasn't Jackson. And the reason she hadn't seen it before was because she had been scared to. Losing Jackson would be akin to burning her life to the ground. She had been with him for so long that the thought of not having Jackson in her life the way that he was left her nearly shaking. But by marrying Matthew, she was losing Jackson. And Jackson was the person that brought the type of passion to her life that left her feeling more alive than anything else. If there was a person in her life that was worth saying it loud for, saying it loud to, causing the problems, burning the world she knew to the ground for, it was Jackson. It would always be Jackson.
"I do," Matthew said, and April felt something within her break.
She couldn't go through with this.
"April Kepner, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
April took one last look into Matthew's eyes and then she looked over the rapturous wedding crowd. There was Mark, there was Catherine, there was the empty seat beside Catherine. The only reason that Jackson would miss her wedding would be if he couldn't see her get married and that had to mean he loved her too.
Even if he didn't love her too, wouldn't it be worth knowing? Would that be worth losing Matthew over? She wished she had more time to think about it but she had to go with what was in her heart now. She just had to look within and know.
"April," Matthew whispered.
"April, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
April looked at Matthew. "No."
And then she started running.
Yeah, he's the one I wanna marry
But he don't wanna marry me
Someone shouted her name behind her but April didn't stop. She bolted down the aisle and out into the makeshift parking lot, not knowing who was coming after her. Her father was a trusting man, as everyone in town rightfully was, and he had left the keys hanging in the ignition, just as she knew he would. She gathered up her skirts and poured herself into the driver's seat, looking over at the church. There were people starting to emerge, coming after her, and she could see Matthew – just the outline of him. She looked away. He deserved an explanation but, now, she couldn't give it. She started the car and tore off.
Where would Jackson have gone?
Home, maybe, but would he have wanted to walk all the way there in his dress shoes? No, if she was right and he was thinking about her too, he would have gone somewhere that meant something to them. Her home was too far out of the way and he wouldn't have wanted to be confronted by her family on the way home. It was also why she didn't think that he would have gone to his house – Catherine would have to come home eventually and April knew how she would be asking questions. No, he had to be in the town somewhere … The diner! No, the park. No, they were right next to each other, it didn't matter which one. She knew where to go.
She kept checking in the rear-view mirror but, so far, no one that she knew was following her, yet. She was sure her mother was calling her phone like crazy, only to realize that it was still in the church. Her stomach hurt when she thought of all of the people that she had just left behind. All of the feelings that she had just hurt and everything that she was going to have to apologize for sooner rather than later. And, then, that all went out of her mind as she saw Jackson in the park, sitting on a bench. She couldn't drive all the way in and she haphazardly parked along the road, nearly tipping over in her heels as her feet hit the ground. She yanked off the heels and took off across the green grass.
Jackson was here and that was what mattered. That was what she had been searching for. He wasn't looking for her – why would he be, he thought that she was happy and why wouldn't he think that she was happy because she had thought that she was happy. His name left her lips in a wild shout and she saw him perk up a little but not enough to turn around. She was almost there and she cried out again.
"JACKSON!"
This time, he jumped up from the bench and looked to face her. Her heart double thumped in her chest and she knew, then, just looking at him, that this was the right decision. He picked up running to meet her halfway and she hefted her dress to give her legs even more room. As soon as she was close enough, she jumped into his arms, feeling his arms surround her. She hid herself in his shoulder, feeling her body calm. Jackson was here. It was all going to be okay now that Jackson was here.
He lowered her down to her feet to ask, "What are you doing here? You're getting married."
But she wasn't getting married, was she? If she was here, she had made her decision. She felt woozy with running away and she grabbed onto his arms for support, trying to gather her brain and her breath to try and explain herself.
"I know! I was! But I was standing there and I was facing Matthew but I was looking for you. I read all those notes from high school. The wedding music started and I was reading notes from eleventh grade and then I was walking with my dad and everything was exactly how I wanted it and it was all I wanted except …" Of all of the places to stumble, this admission shouldn't have been it, but it was so strange to admit. "Except, it wasn't because I was thinking your mom's date."
"Mark Sloan? Why were you thinking of Mark Sloan?"
At least Jackson found it as weird as she did, though April hoped that there had been other people thinking of stranger things on their wedding day.
"He came to talk to me before the wedding when you didn't. Do you know what he said to me?" She couldn't help herself and she gave Jackson a shake. "I couldn't stop thinking about it and you know what, he was right!"
"What did he say?"
"About how if you love someone, you say it and yell it and it doesn't matter how scared you are, you have to say it."
There was nothing but softness in Jackson's bright eyes as he looked down at her. "Yeah, I think I've heard that somewhere before."
"It was supposed to be easy," April blurted, her mind replaying everything she had thought about while standing at the alter. "A good man who loved me and God? Matthew's amazing. So, when I think: who am I standing up to say I love? The answer should be my fiancé, right? But it wasn't. It was you. I couldn't think of Matthew, I couldn't breathe. I wanted to love him so bad but it's not him."
She had wanted it to be him. It would have been easy for it to have been him, but standing here now, April knew that marrying Matthew wouldn't have been the right thing for her.
"I love you."
And then, all April could do was smile because he loved her too. She felt the tears coming again and she knew that she had never, and likely would never, cry tears of joy because anyone else loved her. Jackson loved her.
"I was really hoping you were going to say that."
"Do you love me too?"
Hadn't she always?
"Jackson, I love you too."
She was in his arms again, spinning through the air as their lips drew closer and closer. She threaded her hands through his short hair and held him close through their first kiss. Her first kiss with another man on her wedding day. She couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of it as her feet touched ground again.
"What's so funny?"
"I'm a runaway bride! Me!" She had run away from her own wedding. She who hadn't even snuck out of her house until the age of twenty-two. She was glad that Jackson gathered her hands up in his, giving her something to ground herself with and hold onto. "What do we do now!?"
"Whatever we want to. You've got me, April."
Never, not once, since meeting him had April ever doubted that Jackson Avery was hers and had her back but hearing it now brought her such a joy that her knees felt weak. "Whatever want to?"
"Whatever we want," Jackson confirmed. "What do you want to do?"
Everything. She wanted everything with him. She was filled with an all-consuming hunger to have the entire world with him. But for now, in this moment, all she wanted to do was kiss him.
And so she did.
No he don't wanna marry me
Unedited.
The song is Marry Me by Elle Mears (cover of Thomas Rhett).
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Marry Me, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash marry dash me. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~
