Re-prioritizing…
I sigh and sit back in the pilot's chair, watching the starlines of hyperspace after I make the jump to lightspeed.
It had been a successful trade, one in which I even got a good tip for delivering the goods a little early. I put those funds into saving for later, a habit I picked up after beginning to work for Talon Karrde.
Before he hired me, I was living in hell-holes all over the galaxy; trying to make enough to just eat… never mind having a roof over my head.
When Palpatine died, my life was shattered. All my importance… gone in the flash of his death. But it's been a few years now, and things have settled down between me and a certain Jedi Master I was supposed to kill.
But though I would never admit it to him, I am glad I didn't.
Shaking my head to clear it, I sigh and make my way to the Jade's Fire's galley, where I make myself a snack. It's a two-day journey back to the Wild Karrde, where I will more than likely be drafted into another shipment run.
But I don't mind. Talon has been more than kind to me, and I owe him everything: hence my loyalty to him and his organization.
The timer chimes on the food-processing unit, and I take the now-hot food and sit down at my tiny table. As I eat, my eyes fall upon the empty chair across from mine, and idly I wonder what it would be like to have that seat filled… on a more… permanent basis.
A ghost of a smile touches my lips as I recall that survey I took all those years ago: how I scoffed at the very thought of marriage. But now, after my life has settled down again— as much as mine ever will I suppose— the thought seems more appealing to me.
I also know my views on that 'ideal husband' have shifted. I've re-prioritized so much of my life, so why not that too? After all, if I have changed, shouldn't my expectations for a husband shift to fit my newer lifestyle?
I leisurely munch my food as I contemplate the matter much more thoroughly than I ever had before. I remember my callous and one-minded approach to the idea of marriage, and of what I'd want in a husband.
It was, I suppose, a look into how single-minded my whole existence was then.
I take a deep breath to cleanse myself, and ponder.
Some things remain as they had been: I want someone who can hold his own, and who is loyal. Those are a given in my mind.
But now that I am older, more experienced in life outside of what Palpatine had all planned out for me, I have also relaxed some of my expectations.
Age, for example: I really don't care so much about his age, so long as we're pretty close. I don't want someone old enough to be my father, or a child of a man when compared to me. But as long as he's got a good heart and remains true to me— to 'us'— then I will be happy.
I still want him to be handsome, though I supposed that's all a matter of opinion, isn't it?
I note the silence in my ship, broken only by the usual hum of the engines, and the other ticks and beeps of ship systems. Usually I find the quiet welcoming, but today it just feels… lonely.
It would be nice to have someone to make conversation with… just for the sake of having a conversation. How much more would I look forward to these trips away if I could spend the time with my betrothed?
Along that line of thought, I want someone who will listen to what I have to say. Even if he may not agree with me, he'd still find what I have to say interesting.
How exhilarating would it be to simply take a walk as those sappy holo-vids showed, and talk as we moved? I don't think I would care where so much as that we'd be together. Maybe we'd even hold hands, though deep down I know that public displays of affection aren't really my thing.
Behind closed doors or with those I trust the most would be different.
I realize I'm tired, and so I clean up and move to my cabin, where I then get dressed into something a little more comfortable, and settle between the sheets. I sigh, eyeing the empty space bedside me lazily.
I find myself wondering what it would be like to fall asleep beside a warm body; to watch him fall asleep, or vice versa?
And how amazing would it be to have the strong, yet loving arms of a man around me? To feel his heartbeat beneath my cheek as I snuggle into him, with my head resting on his chest, watching the strong, hard planes of his breast rise and fall steadily.
What would it be like to gaze into the eyes of someone who loves me for me?
I sigh, no longer under the pressures of mind I was when the Emperor's Hand. That freedom, I realize, is unlike any I have ever known before. I don't have to worry about how Palpatine will react upon my return for thoughts such as these.
Slowly my eyes close, and my mind drifts on its own.
And just before I fall into a deep sleep, a pair of blue eyes appears before my mind's eye… and I feel at home.
