Part 2: Toxicity

It was dark, very dark. Black, in fact, and I could smell a sickening musty odor in the dank air.

Where was I? Certainly not in a place I wanted to be. I heard a strange rustling sound, and the hair on the back of my neck stood straight up. Goosebumps tickled their way up my arms and legs.

"Kairi, Kairi."

I whirled around and saw a strange person standing not far from me. Her hair was long and black as pitch, and there was something familiar about her facial features... but they were oddly distorted somehow. She wore a long black cloak.

Who was she? Someone dear… someone important…

"Naminé?" I whispered, unable to believe what I could see right in front of me.

"Yeah right," she said, and gave a mocking, sarcastic laugh. "My name is Axeas."

"Axeas?"

"Yes."

"What..." I swallowed hard. "What do you want from me? Where am I?"

"You're in the realm of darkness, obviously."

I shivered and looked around me. Yes, that must be true. What other place could be so impossibly dark, where I was still able to see my hand in front of me, bright as day?

She was not as bright as I was, but I could see her clearly. "I've been waiting to see you a long time, Kairi," she said slowly.

"Waiting... for me?"

"Yes. You're such a constant little thing, so full of faith, so doubtless." Her eyes were hungry and speculative as they raked over my shivering figure. "Usually."

I scowled at her. I wasn't sure what she meant, but I was sure it wasn't a compliment. "Usually?"

She laughed softly. The sound of it sent chills through my body. "Yes," she said coldly. "If you were always little miss perfect, then I wouldn't be like this now. I used to be some kind of oddball… I practically had a heart. But now, I'm just like any other Nobody."

"I don't get you," I said, my eyes narrowing with distaste.

She laughed again, that horrible sound. "Obviously," she sneered. "So you answer this for yourself - why is it that I am here, Kairi? Because I already know."

"Then why are you - I – I don't know what you - I don't understand - what's going on!" I nearly shouted, balling my hands into fists. "Just give it to me straight!"

"No. You know, you're very simple and very naive. You're a lot like he is."

I glared at her, hatred boiling inside me. "Who?" I seethed.

"Sora," she said simply. "But that doesn't seem to matter anymore, does it?"

It was silent for a few moments, silent as the darkness surrounding us was devoid of light.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said firmly, looking away from her bitter face. There was something about her eyes that seemed to suck the happiness right out of me, though they were identical to mine in shape and color.

"Of course you do. You're the one who figured it out in the first place."

I glared at her, hating her, if possible, even more.

"We can wait here forever, for you to answer me," Axeas said, lazily examining her fingers. "Nobody will miss you. He certainly won't."

"Yes he will," I said. I meant to sound strong and sure, but there was a catch in my voice.

She snickered. "You don't sound so positive about that, Kairi."

"I am!" I shouted. My voice echoed through the blackness.

"No you're not," she said firmly. "And I can see why. All this time... all this dreaming and longing to meet Sora again... and now you find out that while you've been faithfully awaiting his return, he's been off doing who knows what, making new friends, finding new ways to enjoy himself. My, my. How does it feel to be left behind, in the dust, Kairi? You tell me."

"Shut up!" I snarled.

"Oooh, the angel decides to descend to my level," she sneered. "C'mon, Kairi. You've known it all along, ever since you saw how much he'd changed. You've just been in denial. You're still in denial. Can you keep it up? Or are you going to grow up and face the facts?"

"I said shut up!" I shrieked.

"Oh, get a grip. I'm only telling you things that you've already told yourself. He doesn't need you anymore! What are you, next to the keyblade's chosen one? Just a skinny little girl with nothing to be, nowhere to go!"

"No," I gasped. "No..."

"Yes. Maybe he'll find someone else, someone who deserves him. Who knows? Maybe he already has..."

I moaned and wrapped my arms around my middle, trying to hold myself together. "You're wrong," I whispered, but it was a shrinking hope, a fading light in the darkness. "Sora loves me."

"Loves you? You wish," she said shortly, and her voice filled me with hopelessness. "You're only holding him down, keeping him back." Her eyes pierced me, and a cruel smile twisted her unpleasant face.

"He loves me," I repeated, but my voice was wispy and frail.

"He doesn't love you. He hates you. He wishes you'd just leave him alone."

"You're a liar," I whispered. "You're a liar and you're just trying to hurt me."

She shrugged. "I'm not a liar. I'm a Nobody." Another wicked grin twisted her mouth. "Yours."

~o~

"Noooo!"

I shot up from my twisted cocoon of sheets, shaking and gasping for breath in the semi-darkness. I was in my bed, and I could see a faint glow on the horizon out my bedroom window. I stifled a sob.

"Naminé," I whispered. Naminé was my Nobody. Who was this awful Axeas, this twisted shadow of Naminé's glowing perfection?

This didn't make any sense. Naminé wasn't a being anymore. She wasn't entirely gone, she was still a part of me; I knew that. But she couldn't speak to me, physically, like that... unless...

Unless it all had been... just a dream?

No. It had been far too real for that.

What then, had happened to Naminé? The Naminé that I had known had filled me with hope and light and love, rather than bleak despair. Who was this being, this Axeas? Of what horrible desolation had she been born? And why had she appeared to me like that?

I shivered and got out of bed. As I walked across my bedroom floor to get to my closet, however, a wave of nausea rolled over me, and I fell to my knees, gasping. My head spun, and my heart was suddenly filled with an emptiness and a fear so intense that I couldn't breathe. Axeas.

"Leave me alone," I hissed through my teeth, and as suddenly as it had come, it was gone. I got unsteadily to my feet.

I walked down the stairs and into the kitchen. It was early, and my parents weren't up yet. I sat down on a kitchen chair, trying not to think... trying to block out the horrible doubts that kept popping into my mind...

"How does it feel to be left behind in the dust, Kairi?... What are you, next to the keyblade's chosen one? Maybe he'll find someone else, someone who deserves him. Who knows? Maybe he already has..."

I pressed my fists into my temples, trying to drown her out. Then I stood up and snatched my pack off the hook in the wall.

"I'm going to work now," I told her. "Don't follow me."

~o~

It had been a week now, since I'd been out to the island. Life had gone back to normal, for the most part – work, chores, friends. Well... some of them, anyway. Selphie, mostly. I hadn't seen any of the boys around, though. They spent all their free time out on the island.

And I hadn't seen Sora.

I was afraid. Afraid that Axeas was right. Even though I knew she was my enemy and wanted to cause me pain, I couldn't help wondering.

And what would I say to him, after... all that had passed between us? I blushed at the very thought.

I was walking home from work in the afternoon. A light breeze was coming in from the sea, bringing with it the tang of salty air. It was warm and dry, and I closed my eyes for a moment, breathing it in and listening to the rushing sound it made as it meandered through the palm trees. I sighed.

"Kairi."

I turned. It was Riku, coming up the cobblestoned path. The breeze tossed his hair out of his eyes, and they glowed a deep cyan in the sunlight. I'd always thought they were the color of the sea in shallow waters, on white sand, whereas Sora's were the color of the deepest ocean.

I winced involuntarily as the name passed through my mind.

"Hi, Riku."

"Where have you been?" He wanted to know, as he came to a halt in front of me. "You haven't been out to the island in days."

"I know."

We were quiet for a few moments. Suddenly, he surprised me by being perceptive.

"Um, Kairi? Is this about Sora?"

I flinched again. How did he know? Did Sora tell him? "What do you mean?" I asked slowly.

"Well, he just said that you're... upset. That's all," he added hastily.

"Did he tell you why?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No."

I sighed and started walking again. Riku walked along with me, more quietly. Though I could feel his curiosity, he said nothing.

"Riku, don't worry about me," I finally said. "It was hard at first, but I'm alright now. Sora's changed. But we can still be friends. I was silly for expecting anything more from him, after all this time." As soon as these words were out, I regretted saying them. I was giving in, ever so slightly, to Axeas. I bit my lip.

"What do you mean by that?" Riku asked, raising an eyebrow at me. "Sora's had a huge crush on you since forever."

I smiled a tiny bit. "A crush," I allowed with a sigh. "He had a crush." Again, I wished I hadn't said it. It felt like she was pulling me down, putting words in my mouth.

"Yeah," Riku said, giving me a strange look. He slowed to a stop, and I stopped with him. We listened to the rush of the palms above, and the distant yet audible rush of the sea on the sands below.

"Why don't you come out to the island tomorrow?" Riku suddenly asked. "The weather's going to be nice, and you haven't seen the gang in forever."

"I don't know about that, Riku..."

"Why not? I thought you were going to be Sora's 'friend', now," he said, smirking. "You'd better get on that."

I scowled at him, and he laughed.

"So you're a little 'upset' with him," he said casually, brushing the hair from his eyes. "That doesn't mean you shouldn't go out to the island ever again. It's not Sora's island. He can't keep you off it. Or are you gonna let him?"

I glared at him.

He laughed again. "See you on the dock, tomorrow at noon," he said, backing away from me a few steps. He turned and gave me an appraising look before jogging back down the hill. "I know you'll be there, Kairi," he shouted as he ran.

I huffed a sigh.

~o~

I finally finished stocking the shelves, and then slid one last price tag into its slot. The morning rush had long since passed, and Abbi and I were alone in the store. There was nothing to do but clean up and maintain the place, so I had no excuse for staying longer.

I looked nervously at the large clock hanging over the desk. It was eleven forty-five. My shift was over.

"I'm heading out now, Abbi," I said, taking off my apron and putting it under the desk.

"Okay," she called from somewhere in the sea of isles. "See you, Kairi."

I went slowly to the docks, thinking about what Riku had said yesterday. His confidence in me left me feeling a little irritated. What made him think that I would do whatever he said, just because he said it?

And yet here I was.

Why was I doing this? Sora didn't want me out there. He was probably relieved that I hadn't gone out in so long.

Shut up, Axeas, I snarled in my head. I felt her smirk.

Riku greeted me on the dock with a smug grin. No one else from the gang was sailing out with us today - they were already there. They spent every moment of every day there, unlike myself.

The weather was very nice and the sea was smooth, so the sail to the island didn't take long. Riku and I didn't say much. Denei chatted away, filling in all our silences.

When we got off the boat, we started walking toward the other beach, where I knew the gang would be waiting. For some reason, I could hardly put one foot in front of the other. I was scared. So, so scared.

"Riku," I said, stopping in my tracks. "I can't do this."

He turned and looked at me. "Can't do what?"

"I can't see him. I just can't."

He didn't respond. Then, suddenly, he lifted his fingers to my face and brushed a tear from my cheek. I was surprised. I hadn't felt it escape.

"Riku," I moaned, "I don't know what to do."

"Well," he said, after a long pause, "Let's go sit in the shade for a while. Until you're ready."

"Thank you," I breathed.

We sat still and silent for a long time. I closed my eyes, but there was no escaping the pain.

"What is it that you want from him," Riku suddenly asked, in a slow, careful voice, "that he can't give you?"

I was taken by surprise. "What do you mean?"

"If you're upset, there must be a reason for it."

I thought about that. "Well, I guess... what started it," I swallowed hard, "was the fact that... he didn't seem as... happy? Happy to see me as I was to see him. He didn't... I don't know... I guess that I figured we'd be holding hands and-" I blushed. "I don't know. I guess I just thought that we'd be closer than we've ever been. But now we're even further apart. I'm worried that... that he doesn't want me anymore." I tried to make it sound a little less traumatic than it really was.

"So, let me get this straight..." Riku said, "You're mad at him because you think he's lost interest in you?"

"Not mad at him. Just worried." What an understatement. Panicked, more like. Haunted by a bitter Nobody. Completely freaked out.

"You're lonely. You need attention." It was a statement, not a question.

"Attention?"

"Yeah. I understand what you mean, Kairi. You spend a year and a half, waiting and watching and searching for someone, and then when they come back, they act like nothing ever happened. It makes sense that you're upset."

I felt a tiny bit of hope as I looked into his eyes. Riku was older than Sora and I. Wiser. There was something reassuring about the maturity of his voice, the depth of his eyes. Would he have the answer?

"I know how you feel."

I stared at him, uncomprehending. "How would you?" I asked.

"Because I've felt the same way before. I still do." He was looking out to sea now, away from me.

I was even more puzzled. Who had he waited and searched for, for a year and a half, besides Sora and I?

"About... who?" I murmured, though he was still looking away. It was quiet for a long moment. The sea was the only one speaking.

"When you lost your heart..." he swallowed hard, "I was so afraid. I was afraid that you were lost forever. I would have given anything to get your heart back for you, to save you... I tried giving everything to get it back. But in the end it wasn't enough. Because it wasn't my place. Your heart was with Sora all along, and what I had been trying to do for so long, he did in no time at all. Because it was his place to do it."

I was watching him curiously now. "Thank you," I said slowly. "Thank you for trying so hard, Riku. You're a true friend."

"Well… maybe." He looked out to sea for a minute.

Suddenly, he turned and put his hand on my cheek. It was warm, resting there, a little unnaturally warm. I could see a fire burning inside him through his bright blue eyes.

"Kairi," he said, his face serious and thoughtful, "It really doesn't have to be this way. For either of us."

"What - what do you mean?" I whispered. I was very aware of the hand that still rested against my cheek.

"We could end it right now. The loneliness."

He was way too close now. I could see every spiral and line in his aqua eyes.

I felt as though an electric current passed through my body as he leaned forward and touched his lips to mine. He was very gentle, very hesitant - waiting for my response.

But I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. My head was spinning, making it difficult for me to think. How could this be happening? How could Riku, my older, wiser friend, who had always been so brotherly toward me - be kissing me?

It was just so confusing. It felt so strange, that this could be happening, after I'd spent so long fantasizing about what Sora's lips would taste like, what it would feel like to hold him in my arms. And now there was someone else, someone very different... but I liked it. It was something that I'd wanted now for so long.

In spite of myself, I leaned into him just a tiny bit and traced the contours of his lips with my own. His arms wound around my back, and I liked the way they felt big and thick and strong. I put my hands on his broad shoulders and sighed. His skin felt warm against mine, almost hot.

And then, I saw a face in my head. The deep, huge blue eyes were filled with pain, the mouth open in shock, the eyebrows raised with disbelief. Sora stumbled back, away from me, and my heart seared with fresh pain.

"Riku..." I gasped, pulling myself away from him. He didn't try to stop me. He opened his eyes, and they were filled with a new kind of hurt.

Remorse. Regret.

He sighed and closed them again, then leaned back on his heels and dropped his arms.

"Riku," I said slowly, trying to halt the steady flow of tears that were welling up in my eyes. "This is wrong."

He didn't look directly at me as he murmured, "I... I know. I'm sorry, Kairi."

"Don't be. Why didn't you ever tell me?" I whispered.

"Because... Sora's my best friend." He laughed, but it was a sad sound. "He always has been. Just like both of us have always had a crush on you. Some things never change."

The world was crashing down on me; I just couldn't handle the truth. "I never knew," I wailed.

"I never wanted you to," Riku said. "I just... for a second there... wondered if things had... changed. But they haven't," he assured me with a sad smile. "You two belong together. I can see that now."

"But what if we don't?" I whimpered. "What if he doesn't love me anymore, Riku?"

Riku sat still for a moment, his face filled with bitterness. I didn't like to see it there. It wasn't meant to be there. It wasn't Riku. Not anymore at least.

Then, I watched as his the frost in his eyes began to melt, the hard twist of his features began to soften. His eyelids came together, and he suddenly gave a relaxed, peaceful sigh. When he opened his eyes again, they were filled with warmth and trust. Understanding, too.

"Kairi, stand up," he commanded, getting to his feet. He took my hands in his, and pulled me up, though my legs felt like jelly.

He gestured outward with his hand. "Look at this beach, the ocean, the skyline, Kairi. This is proof enough. If he didn't love you, it wouldn't be here. It would still be lost in the darkness." He grasped my face in his. "I look at you, and do you know what I see?"

"What?" I wept.

"I see more proof of his love for you. Had he not unlocked his own heart with my keyblade, yours would have never been returned to you."

I sniffed.

"And then, I see him," Riku said softly. "I see him, here, in the Destiny islands. He misses his friends, of course. But his love for you is much greater. It is great enough to keep him here, forever."

"He loves you, too," I whispered, smiling softly. "You're his best friend."

"Yeah. But what's a best friend compared to the girl of his dreams, the keeper of his heart?" He smiled. "He just doesn't know how to tell you that. Maybe he thinks you already know it."

Of course I knew it. I always had. I didn't need Sora to tell me that. He'd already proved it.

"He deserves you, Kairi," Riku said, closing his eyes again. "And you deserve him. Don't let anybody or anything take him away from you again."

"I've got to go to him," I said, whirling around. "I've got to apologize. I was so stupid."

Riku was silent for a moment, and I saw fresh pain written clearly across his face.

"Oh, Riku," I said, grabbing his hands in my own and pressing them to my face. "I'm sorry."

"No, it's not your fault. I didn't realize how painful that would be... for both of us."

"I'll always love you, you know," I murmured, still holding his hands.

"I'll love you too," he said softly. "But now I... I'll love you in a better way. I promise. And besides," he shrugged, "Time heals all wounds. At least that's what everybody says." He sighed. "You won't see that side of me again, I swear."

"You don't have to promise me anything," I said.

He grimaced. "Actually, I think I do."

I cried, holding his hands to my face, for a long time. Finally, I kissed his fingers and sighed. "I have to go to him, Riku."

"I know. I'll come with you." He gave me a weak smile.

I decided that if he could forget it and move on, I could too. "C'mon," I said brightly, smiling back at him. "Our friends need us! Sora needs us!" It was more painful than I'd imagined. How could we go through with this?

"Yeah," he laughed. "I guess there's always that."

"And Riku?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you. For helping me find myself again."

He smiled and gently touched my cheek with the ends of his fingers. "Glad to be of service," he teased.

I smiled. He'd be himself again soon. Of that I was almost certain.

He reached out and grabbed my hand as we ran toward Sora, toward our friends and the future. I felt an overwhelming feeling of love towards him. Love for my dear friend. Hope that he could understand that love, and feel it in equal part for me.

Things would be different between us now, I knew that. But time would heal us, like Riku had said.

We came around the bend, and I could see them now. Sora. My heart leapt in my chest.