Chapter 2: Journal
Bella's POV:
Two Months Later
I quietly tapped Alice's door, pursing my lips at the silence. I squinted my eyes before opening the door a notch. As it opened, a drawn out creaking sound could be heard. It hurt my ears a little, but really, the sharp pain in my ears was nothing in comparison to other things that had happened to me. The door seemed to protest with a moan as I leaned on it, looking into the room. Alice wasn't there.
I sighed in frustration.
Something had been wrong with Alice. She was trying to keep her usual self alive. The normal bubbly, jumpy pixie we all knew. But everyone knew the truth.
Alice was trying to keep the act on for Jasper; that much was painfully obvious. But every day, every hour, every minute, her façade would accidentally slip, and her face would crumple in pain. This month had been her worst yet. Someone would have to talk to her soon, maybe talk some sense into her.
Just like Jacob had to do for me, more than once, more times than I deserved. He had always been there for me. When Ed- I mean, he had left me. He was the one who attempted to repair me, even though I was a hopeless case. Once glass shatters, it's a hopeless matter. If you compared the broken glass and me, then you'd find a lot of similarities, unfortunately. And I had no reason but to admit it.
Jacob had also been there for me when I returned from Volterra. To say that he didn't look happy when he realized that Edward wasn't back in Forks was a lie. You could tell, by his facial expressions, that he was completely at bliss with letting Edward's life go on, if it could. He didn't know the other half of the story. Jacob didn't know that he'd completely walked past me, straight to his death. I couldn't tell Jacob when I was giving him the information from the trip. It would only make him think lesser of Edward.
But didn't he deserve to think lesser of him? Didn't I?
I did. I just couldn't.
Words ran through my head. During the time when they were spoken, I couldn't believe them to be true. I couldn't understand how he could've ever wanted me, especially as much as I wanted him. I should've known that they had no truth behind them. I should've understood that they were just words written on a blank page so there was something there.
"You are my life now."
"I love you. It's a poor excuse for what I'm doing, but it's still true."
"I will stay with you – isn't that enough?"
I almost laughed, and if I had, then it wouldn't have been out of amusement. It would've been due to the fact that those words were more of a lie than anything else he'd said to me. Those had been the things that I should've never believed. He'd stay with me. How unlikely.
I shook my head, my eyes clenching automatically and two fingers appearing at the bridge of my nose.
This reaction was automatic; I couldn't help the sensation that pulsed through me when I remembered those days, those words. They still affect me and, like Alice, my façade has slowly started to be eaten away by memories that have been carved into my heart. Permanently.
They will, and cannot, ever leave. In any and every life, I will always hold them with me.
I slowly walked over to their bed and sunk down into it. Automatically, my head fell and my body doubled over, my legs and arms beginning to shake violently.
And the sobs took over me completely.
As much as Jacob tried to stop me, it usually made them worse when I wasn't around him. I feared that the only person that would be able to 'cure' me was Edward himself. Not just memories or the hallucinations that I conjured up for myself, but Edward in the most literal form he could be. I needed to feel his cool fingers on my blushing skin, his lips on my throat or anywhere else. All I needed was him, and that was the one person I wouldn't get, no matter what I did.
I raised my head partially, taking deep breaths as a calming motion. This was supposed to work, but nothing was going to at the moment. Nothing would ever help if I didn't just learn to get over the fact that he was gone and out of my life forever. I had to achieve that status. If I didn't, my life would be an empty, bottomless hole that was filled with sorrow. No matter what it took, I would have to rid my life of him.
My head fell into my hands, a pitiful groan escaping my mouth. Would I ever truly get over him? I really didn't think so. It had been two months since I saw him last, being brought to the place that would assure the ending of his existence that both of us had been lead to believe would be forever, and yet, I'm still here, being torched alive by the mere thought of my 'soul mate'.
I twisted my head to the side, trying to rid my head of all thoughts that were bouncing around, going from one subject of thought to another, and that's when I saw a journal. The handwriting on the cover was familiar. It was kind-of messy, but it was neater than my own. In a way, the handwriting had an elegant twist to it; on the front cover, there were two printed words: 'Alice's journal.'
Suddenly, there was an idea planted in my head, and without realizing it, I grabbed the journal with new-found greed. I started to tear through the pages, skimming over everything that wasn't relevant to her mood in the past two months. And, considering how lovely her life had probably been, there was a lot for me to skip over. A lot of her entries dealt with Jasper, how she loved him so. Then there was some about my arrival in Forks; Edward's lust for my blood; how Alice and I became friends. I felt as if I was a special feature in this journal…in this diary.
If there was something that she was hiding from someone – from Jasper, from me, from everyone and anyone – then it would have to be in here. I know how private a diary can be, and therefore, most of her thoughts ought to be recorded in this book here. I hadn't really given it much thought as I read some sentences in particular before skipping over the page, but if Alice knew what I was doing then she would probably be angry with me.
But I needed answers, damn it, and if she refused to give them to me, then this journal would be my last chance.
I flipped to the next journal entry, which was dated for two days ago, and read:
I don't understand anything anymore. Everything is so much more confusing since Edward left. I don't know what to believe – what's fact, what's fiction? Can I trust Bella with the truth of my visions? Or should I just continue to keep the images to myself? I think, in a way, that keeping everything to myself would be best. Even though Edward abandoned us, Bella and the family, everyone who cared for him, I think he deserves to keep his life to himself, even if that is not quite possible with me around.
I'm scared by my visions, though. I always see him in the same way; his eyes are glowing crimson red, a clear sign of him drinking human blood instead of the preferred diet he had been following previously. He wears a pitch black cape, one of those that are similar to the Volturi's. I'm afraid that he has become one of them. I just know for sure that he hasn't died. But surely, joining the Volturi is a worst choice than anything. I would rather choose death before joining their clan.
I can't stop thinking that joining the Volturi was Edward's choice, though. For some reason, I am made to believe that Aro requested it of him, and that Edward gave in. That he said, 'yes' to joining the group, who we had worked so long to differ from. We had always tried to do good, not feed off of humans. And if Edward joined them, then he just completely threw all of that away. He didn't think about the consequences or what would happen in the future. He'd acted on an entrant thought.
I know he's hunting humans now, too. I've seen it. In one of my visions, Edward was draining a human. Her face was still frozen in fear as he, slowly, drained the life out of her. So much effort had been put into that one kill. And I think he did it for me. I think he knew that, eventually, I was going to see this happen. Somehow he has turned the opposite of himself. He enjoys watching others suffer, enjoys inflicting pain on those who do not deserve it.
Edward is alive, but I can't believe that he is in the true sense. He's living and breathing, but as long as he acts like some fool on the run, I cannot truly think that he is the Edward I let into my heart and let become my brother. And, most of all, I cannot believe that it is him until he returns home – comes back to Forks – and apologizes. Not to us; the Cullens don't require an apology. Bella needs one, though. She deserves one.
Without him, what does she have?
Without him, what does anyone have?
And then there were vague sentences written down that were impossible to read, surrounding the border of the page. I figured, because of the quotation marks, that Alice had been quoting someone, or something. I thought something had looked like, "Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die." There was also another sentence that appeared to say, "Death, that hath sucked the honey of thy breath, hath had no power yet upon thy beauty."
I flipped to the next page, searching for any more information that I could be given.
I've seen Bella killing herself, with poison. She just had to love Romeo and Juliet – and, she's not going to pull a Juliet and stab herself in the chest. Instead, she, in my vision, intends to pull a Romeo. She quotes him before she tries, subtly, to kill herself. Soon after, I see Edward returning. I don't know his reasoning. I just know that he comes back to our home – and finds her dead, in his room.
He then proceeds to quote Romeo as well.
And then the vision stops there.
…I'm scared.
I held my breath; I wasn't going to kill myself. I had always known, in the beginning, that suicide just wasn't the answer. If I wasn't suicidal when Edward left me the first time, then what would be different now? I still had my Jacob, and this time, I had the Cullens, for they thought there was no point in staying away from Forks now. Edward was gone – they all believed this. By the way Alice had been acting, I'd thought that she'd finally been agreeing with us, but that hadn't been the reason for her moods. No; she had seen her visions, and was counting on them to be the absolute truth.
But I wasn't going to kill myself! I have Charlie and Renee to worry about, and then I wouldn't want to hurt Jacob or the Cullens. Killing myself was an impossibility.
…Was it, really?
Could I seriously never kill myself?
No. I couldn't. I had too much responsibility, too much on my own hands.
I set the journal back on the floor, disgusted with myself for diving into Alice's private mind. Of course, I deserved to, since no one would ever tell me any bloody thing, but it was still wrong. I should've at least gotten permission first. But I already knew that she wouldn't have granted me permission to read her journal. I sighed; the door closed behind me, my eyes closing of their own accord. I breathed in slowly and deeply, trying not to let the tears fall down once more. I didn't need to cry right now.
Yeah, I wasn't dealing with the fact that he could be a part of the Volturi (who I had been told about, more so after the Cullens returned) very well, but if your boyf – I mean, ex-boyfriend – I winced as I had that thought – suddenly turned to the "dark" and "evil" side then you wouldn't be one of the happiest people, either.
Sure, it hurt to know that Edward could possibly come back.
And that I would be dead.
I need to see Jacob. Now. My sun was the only thing that could help me right now.
A/N: Hey all! This is the second chapter! Hope you enjoy! And even if you did, click the lil' REVIEW button below. You know you want too ;)
