Lord Drake Misadventures 2
By: Vyce Dryke
*There is a grand battle between the Black Draconis Chaos Legion and the Orks. Neither side makes fround. Suddenly, the battle grinds to a halt, and the sounds of battle dies down*
Lord Drake: What in the name of the four fathers is going on here?
*Lord Drake walks up to a Bezerker, who, for whatever reason, is sipping a cup of tea at a table, with his pinky out.
Bezerker: Uhm... We're having tea?
*There's an Ork on the other side of the table, Azog*
Azog: Oi! It's Tea time you pointy humee.
Lord Drake: *twitches and knocks the table over.* Tea! We're not British!
*Lord Drake looks around, across the battlefield, the same thing. Various troops sitting at table, sipping tea, even a Defiler is doing it... somehow*
Lord Drake: Khorne's bloody foot! I'll knock over every single table if I have to! Tlanextic!
*Tlanextic sputters, knocking over the table, and consequently, the Ork with him*
Tlanextic: Yes my Lord?
Lord Drake: You too?
Tlanextic: Pardon?
Lord Drake: Your holding a tea cup.
*Tlanextic hurriedly throws away the tea cup*
Tlanextic: I have no idea what your talking about.
Lord Drake: *glares* I'm watching you. *looks around* Can't you do something about this?
Tlanextic: *checks his chronometer* If you insist my Lord.
*Tlanextic raises his Bedlam staff, suddenly, tables turns over, china breaks, and the sounds of war raise into the air*
Lord Drake: Good job Sorceror. There's a reason I keep you around after all.
*Tlanextic looks dumbfounded*
Tlanextic: But my Lord.. I haven't done anyth-
Lord Drake: Don't be so modest. To war!
*Tlanextic shakes his head, holds his staff normally, and the two of them get long as the battle lines close again*
Farewyth: You called me what!? HERETIC! *BLAM*
Imperial Guardsman # 348: But Sir!
Farewyth: You DARE argue with me? Heretic! *BLAM!* I hope you learned your lesson. I will take my leave.
*Farewyth leaves, a *BLAM!* being heard in the distance*
IG #521: 348! Nooo!
IG #141: Oh. He's going to be fine.
*IG 521 stares at IG 348 stands up*
IG #348: Wow. That stung a little.
IG #521: Wow! You survived being shot?
IG #141: You must be a new recruit. You see. We've been shot by the Commisars so much recently, that we figured out a way to stay alive.
IG #348: Yeah. See. Everytime someone goes to point a gun at us, we time it so that we drop on the ground like we're dead, holding what -would- be the bullet wound.
IG #141: Works every time.
IG #521: I want to try!
*A Commisar starts to walk by*
Commisar: Slacking! There's a war going on men! Every time we idle, we give the enemy more time!
*348 and 151 smartly salute*
Both: Apologies Sir.
IG #521: So? What do I care about the enemy? He's not here right now is he?
Commisar: You dare question me? You serve better on the firing line.
IG# 521: I do dare.
*348 palmfaces, and 151 shakes his head*
Commisar: For shame. You will be made.. an example... *Blam*
*521 grins and falls over*
Commisar: You two will do better to NOT follow in his example.
*The Commisar leaves*
348: The poor bastard. That was the Colonel-Commissar.
151: Impossible to avoid a shot from him.
*Custodian Guard George and Custodian Guard Brother-Captain Alaron are in a large chamber, with a rather large 'chair' in it*
Alaron: Okay, what's wrong with this picture?
George: Uhhmmm.... There's something missing?
Alaron: Right, but what's missing?
George: Errr... The Emporer is missing?
Alaron: Gooood... There's hope of you yet. Now.. What happened?
George: Dumm. Well.. Sir.. I look the other way, and then look back.. and... he's suddenly gone.
Alaron: How long?
George: Hmm.. A minute or so.
Alaron: So.. The Emperor is missing?
George: Maybe he got lost?
Alaron: He's the sodding Emperor for Emperor's sake. He's trapped to the chair until he comes back to life. He can't suddenly get up and fetch a glass of water.
*George points behind Alaron*
Alaron: What now? There's noth- *stares after he turns around*
*The Emperor is standing there. Alaron stares a few seconds more*
Emperor: What? Can't a guy get a glass of water?
Alaron: But... *looks to George* You.. *looks to the Emperor* How?
*Alaron faints, George gives him a weird look. The Emperor shakes his head and sits on the Golden Throne. The Emporer sips his glass of water and then looks at George*
Emporer: You there?
George: Uhmm.. Yes my Lord?
Emperor: Since this Brother-Captain seems to be.. *looks at the fainted Alaron* ...Incapitated. I name you the new Brother-captain.
*On Lord Drake's Daemon world.*
Lord Drake: So. Again. I rule this planet, what I say goes. And it molds to MY will. Rheumwight: Woooow.
Tlanextic: *rolls his eyes* Not this again. *Walks away*
Lord Drake: Observe! I can defy the laws of physics!
*Lord Drake thinks for a moment, and then he slowly turns upside-down, with his feet moving to the right, eventually staring 'up' at the ground*
Rheumwight: Ooohhh... My Lord. That's amazing.
Lord Drake: Yes.. Great. Now get back to work.
*Rhuemwight leaves*
Lord Drake: Wait.. How do I get down again?
*Lord Drake tries very hard to return upright, wiggling his legs, arms, head, and thinks REALLY hard. But nothing happen*
Lord Drake: Oh for the love of... TLANEXTIC! RHEUMWIGHT! HELP! I need to get down.
*Camera starts zoooming out*
Lord Drake: Oh no you don't! Get back here! SORCEROR!
CSM: The Eldar are near!
Lord Drake: Ahh.. Our old foes.
*Arafalas runs into Lord Drake during the battle*
Arafalas: *stares* Oh no... not you again.
Lord Drake: Do I know you from somewhere?
Arafalas: You know.. the capturing.. the torturing.. being part of the cast.
*Lord Drake tilts his head, thinking*
Lord Drake: Weren't you that.
Arafalas: Yes?
Lord Drake: That Eldar.
Arafalas: Right.
Lord Drake: From last weeks Fiesta?
*Arafalas palmfaces*
Arafalas: No!
Lord Drake: Yes you were! We were playing "Pin the Tail on the Dark Eldar"
Arafalas: I did no such thing.
*Lord Drake smirks*
Lord Drake: You were drunk, of course you don't.
Arafalas: Don't be silly, Eldar don't get drunk.
Lord Drake: The Necrons there spiked the punch, none of us knew it. Except for that Slaaneshi Daemonette.
*Arafalas blinks, thinks about it, and then it dawns on him, and his face registers horror*
Arafalas: Wait.. but.. I remember somehting else too.
*Lord Drake smirks*
Lord Drake: I didn't know Eldar were so good in bed.. Until then.
Arafalas: By Khaine... You didn't.
Lord Drake: I did.
Arafalas: Noooo!
*Arafalas runs in the opposite direction, screaming until he's out of sight*
Lord Drake: What he doesn't know is... I made that all up.
*Lord Drake pauses for a moment*
Lord Drake: I think.
*A 'Fallen' Inquisitor faces Farewyth*
Inquisitor: You Sir, have fallen below the glory of the Emporer.
Farewyth: Oh, stop this rubbish. I've done no such thing. The enemy has clouded your mind.
Inquisitor: What?
Farewyth: Remember the Fiesta last week?
Inquisitor: Barely.
Farewyth: You slept with a Daemonette, and conversed with Daemons.
*The Inquisitor ponders this*
Inquisitor: I did?
Farewyth: You were drunk, remember?
Inquisitor: Damn. Your right. But doesn't that make me.
Farewyth: Tainted?
Inquisitor: Right. Tainted. Oh no.
Farewyth: Oh yes.
Inquisitor: That must make me corrupted.. which makes me.
Farewyth: A Heretic.
*The Inquisitor stares in horror*
Inquisitor: So I have to.
*Farewyth nods*
Inquisitor: Heretic! *Self-BLAM*
Farewyth: Well. That's one less thing to worry about
