Cumburger the Human

Wyatt T Cumburger used to be the toughest motherfucker at Sing Sing in the early 2020's. He came from an all-American househole, when he was a kid everyone said he was too advanced for his age and yet he always did the chores and even contributed with money when I started working. He had been found guilty of manslaughtering a whole train filled with people after a tragic hacking into the subway's system.

Life in prison was dificult but he was too smart for them all and in less than a month he was already ruling the place with an iron fist. One of the first things he did was getting rid of the crap music like rap and Justin Biebier, replacing it with Steam Powered Giraffe. However his days of glory were tragically short-lived... One dreadful night he was in his cell playing League of Legends with his bitches when a Mexican druglord shot him in the face out of jealousy. Fortunately, the murderer was soon trialed and died on the electric chair (they were in Texas).

It was only the beginning, though. Wyatt woke up and found himself in the middle of a garden with a bunch of shitty billdings. Overwhelmed by the new surroundings and unable to keep his balance, he grabbed onto a rock. He felt like he had the worst hanover, but he had no recollection of drinking, only of bleeding to death from the brane. He also started hearing an ambulance and some paramedics in his head trying to reanimate him. Last thing he heard was a defibrillator and his pain was no more. He regained full consciousness and felt even stronger than he already was in life.

After running around for an hour he found himself in front of a lake or something, with which he coght a first glance of his new self. He was donning a beautifully crafted grey fedora, a black Beatles hoodie made of cashmere, black fingerless gloves, black track pants and a pair of vintage Converse shoes: one black one white (just like his soul) and two thunder Zweihander+15, which he handled like they were made of foam.

Their he saw an asshole-looking guy with an goolden armour asleeping on the grounds and without thinking twice he sliced him on the head with a combo, killing him in the spot and taking all his souls.

-What hast thou done? -cried a fat monk standing on the roof.

-Why, he was about to kill the princess of fire -said the champion of justice.

-How can ya be so sure? -axed the fatty.

-Well, ain't it obvious? he had some clay on his boots -Cumburger remarked, lighting his electronic calabash pipe and offering his Zippo to the baffled cleric. -"Fancy a smoke, dead sir?" -He asked politely as a real gentleman.

-Yes, thank you sir... But what on Gwyn's name does that have to do with anything and how do you know I'm dead? -said the confused priest.

-Oh my, you're no different from the people of my time. -chuckled the hero. -As usual, you see, but yet yuo do not observe. That kind of clay only grows around the temple of Carim, and today is the day there [fake] goddess asks for human sacrifice. Now, as for you being dead, -he said as he fixed his hat- this whole place screams of death. I saw a zombie earlier chatting with a fat guy and all the enemies are undead.

-You truly are the chosen one! -exclaimed the monk, crying out of joy as he dropped his weapons. -Now, would you kindly tell me what gods you serve, so I may offer you guidance in this forsaken world?

-I have no use for phony gods. I like to see myself as a freethinker, a philosopher if you will. Religion is nothing but a bunch of fary tales for grownups -said Wyatt.

-I have never in my entire life thought about it that way -said the cleric- You have convinced me, sir...

-Cumburger -said Cumburger.

Suddenly, a sword came flying as if it were an arrow and got stuck to a nearby pillar. The srowd had a sun-worshipping fool standing on it with his arms crossed.

-Oy, ya havin' a laff dere, ointcha mate? -said the knight, who was well versed in Shakesperean dialects. -Why dontcha geroff dere and fight me mate? Ima bang u hard mate. I swere for me mum I gona get u betch, and teach u a lesson 'bout worshipin' the rite goths.

Who is the mysterious figure that sppeared in front of Cumburger? What reason does he have to be so cross with him? This and more questions will be answered in the next chapter. Dash X Clash X Wyatt's new Jutsu.