Jenny was different. The more time Nate spent with her, the more he realized just how much the rape had affected her. He didn't see her much the few days following her confession, but it seemed he was constantly texting her, at first just to make sure she was okay, and then more and more just because he just liked talking to her. He wanted to help her recovery, and he was surprised how happy it made him to see her name flash on his phone screen. He had no class on Friday, two days after she had told him, and surprised her by showing up with a fresh Captain Crunch. He walked into the penthouse to see her sitting at the breakfast bar, dressed casually in jeans, boots, and an oversized sweater, looking much healthier. She still seemed to be picking at her food, but her color had come back, and she didn't look quite as gaunt.
"I still can't believe you remembered this was my favorite. It's so random." She commented as he sat next to her, watching her slurp down the frappuccino.
"Hey, once I tried it, it was forever ingrained in my mind. I swear it's sorcery or they actually grind up cereal and put it in there."
"I don't know, but I love it."
"Careful, or you're going to get a brain freeze." He cautioned her.
"Too late!" She screwed her eyes shut and shook her head, trying to dispel the cold in her head.
"I told you!" He laughed.
"Thank you for stopping by. I know how busy you must be."
"It's no problem. I actually have the day free, so if you're up to it, do you want to get some fresh air? Maybe walk through the park?"
"Yeah. I could really use it. Let me just tell my dad." She disappeared upstairs for a few minutes, and Nate checked a text from Serena. They had plans to go to some benefit that night, and he had to repress a sigh. The last two days had done nothing to bring him closer to Serena, and he could tell she was really starting to notice. He hoped spending some time with Jenny would help him figure out if he really did have feelings for her. He looked up as she came downstairs. "Okay. Let's go!"
"You should grab a coat. It's pretty cold out there."
"Good point. I've been holed up in here so long I'm a little checked out of reality." She joked, but he could tell it really bothered her. She wrapped a scarf around her neck, and he helped her into her long black peacoat. Once he saw that she was wearing boots and sufficiently bundled up, he put on his coat and called for the elevator.
"How about we stop for a hot drink? I know you love Captain Crunch, but you've already had one brain freeze and I'm trying to keep you warm." He joked with her and she blushed.
"Jeesh, dad. I may be a little damaged, but I'm not helpless." Again, he was struck by the melancholy tone in her words, and was reminded of just how much she had been struggling the past two days. He had even been able to read it in her texts. She was hurting.
"What did the doctor say?" He inquired as they stepped outside. Jenny was struck by the New York chill, and pulled her coat a little tighter around herself.
"He came back yesterday and gave me on an IV again. I guess you're not the only one who thinks I'm falling apart."
"And the test results?"
"Came back negative, but he put me on a general antibiotic and vitamin regimen just to be safe. It's been several weeks, so it's not like they can test for…" Her voice trailed off. "You know." She said abruptly. They walked in silence for a moment.
"Look, Jenny. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. But please, if something's wrong, be honest about it. I'm here if you need to talk."
"Thanks, Nate." He held the door open for her as they walked into the coffee shop. She ordered a hot tea, and he got a black coffee. He insisted on paying, and they waited in comfortable silence for their drinks. She held the cup in her hands, covered in fingerless gloves, and he touched a hand to the small of her back as they hit the sidewalk again, guiding her toward Central Park.
"I know you probably don't want to think about this right now, but I have to ask. Do you remember who the guy was?"
"My dad asked me that, too. I had never met him before. I might be able to recognize him, but I don't remember much from that night. I've tried not to think about it, but I can't get it out of my mind."
"Do you remember…it actually happening?" Nate tried to be delicate with his phrasing. He walked slowly to keep her pace.
"Not really. I get little flashes. I just remember waking up alone in an apartment, in a lot of pain and, well naked. It wasn't a big leap to guess what happened. When I got home, I was in so much shock, and I felt so ashamed, I couldn't say anything. My dad was furious at me for getting home so late, and I seemed drunk, so he assumed I was being reckless again. He had just started to trust me again. I mean, I don't exactly have the best track record with my dad, and I just couldn't bear to tell him the truth. It seemed better that he be mad at me for being drunk and late than for what really happened."
"I'm so sorry you've been carrying this all by yourself, and for the way we've all treated you, particularly after Damien."
"It's not like I didn't deserve it. I acted horribly, toward my family, and toward you and Serena. I feel terrible and I'm amazed you're all even talking to me after the mess I've caused." She practically whispered the last bit, and Nate stopped in his tracks. Her tone was so desolate and hopeless that he couldn't believe what he was hearing. He rounded in front of her and put his hands on her shoulders.
"Jenny, look at me." She complied, her eyes half empty, half full of shame. "Don't think like that. You have no idea just how much you mean to us. We've all made mistakes, and we're not going to give up on you just because you make a few. I mean, compared to what the rest of us have done, you're practically a goody-two-shoes. Have you seen Blair's Gossip Girl rap?" He laughed, and she managed a half hearted chuckle.
"I just feel so…degraded." She finally admitted, as they continued walking.
"I'm really proud of you for talking about it."
"My dad wants to send me to a psychologist."
"It's probably a good idea."
"Maybe. I just…I don't like the idea of talking to a stranger."
"Didn't Eric go to the Ostroff Center? If he can do it, I'm sure it would be good for you."
"He and I talked about it. Maybe I will, I just can't handle the idea of that right now. I feel bad even telling you about it. I'm sure you don't want to hear me complain."
"Complain? Jenny, you had some serious trauma. I'd be concerned if you didn't talk about it, which you didn't for weeks. If it's me you feel comfortable talking to, great. If you need to go see a professional, that's alright, too. And please don't feel like you're complaining. I'm happy to help, and it's good for you to get it all out." He put an arm around her shoulder, and she leaned into him, using him as support as they walked.
"How are you so good, Nate? You've always been so good to me, even when I don't deserve it. I know I'm not the easiest person to deal with." He rubbed his hand up and down her arm, still afraid she was too cold.
"Are you kidding me? You should have seen Serena when she was your age."
"When she was my age? You're making me feel like a kid."
"Well, you kind of are." He teased her.
"I don't feel like one." She commented, her tone grave.
"Hey." He pulled her in closer for a hug. "It'll be okay. And you're not a kid. You're not even much younger than me. Does that make you feel better?"
"I guess."
"I need to ask you something. I've been meaning to ask for a while, but no time like the present."
"What is it?"
"I know you may not be completely comfortable with this, but I think it's a good idea." She stared at him, waiting for him to continue. "Chuck wants to tell Blair. But he hasn't yet!" He went on after seeing the horrified look in her eyes.
"Why?"
"Because, this happened at her mom's show, when she was in charge, and because of one of Eleanor's models. Agnes should be fired at the very least, and in spite of yours and Blair's differences, she cares, and she would want to take action against Agnes. Also, Chuck wants to track down the guy who did this, and who better to track and scheme with him like Blair?" He reasoned.
She walked quietly, deep in thought, trying to let what he said sink in. "I know you're probably right. I just don't know if I can handle Blair and Eleanor knowing about this, yet, at least. Besides, I didn't come forward right away. It's not like I have any proof."
"Did you wash your clothes? Maybe there's some DNA on them or something?"
"You've been watching too many crime shows, Nate." She giggled. "But yeah, I still have them."
"Just think about it. We all have your best interests at heart, and we'll do whatever we can to support you."
"Thank you, Nate. For everything." She threaded her arm through his and rested her head on his shoulder as they walked. She let out a sigh, and swayed a little bit.
"Are you okay?"
"Can I sit down for a second?" They made their way over to a park bench, and sat down. She rested her elbows on her knees and put her head in her hands.
"You sure you're alright?" Nate rubbed a hand along her back.
"Yeah. Just really tired. I've been sick."
"I should take you back."
"Probably. I've been enjoying the fresh air, though. Thank you for getting me out of the apartment."
"No problem. I've got the rest of the afternoon free. You up for some board games or something?"
"Don't you have a girlfriend who wants to do stuff with you?" She teased him.
"Girlfriend is working right now." He assured her. "And we're going to some benefit thing tonight." He grimaced at the throughout and she noticed, feeling guilty for monopolizing Nate.
"I don't know how much fun I'm going to be. I have to catch up on all my work from Constance."
"Okay, do you mind if I study with you? I've got work I need to do for my classes." She hesitated. "Unless you don't want me around."
"No! I just don't want to monopolize you. I don't know if Serena's comfortable with you spending so much time with me."
"Don't worry about it. She understands after what you've been through."
"Who knew this is what it took for you to spend time with me." She immediately regretted the words after they were out. "I can't believe I just said that. I'm so sorry, that was an awful thing to say. It just came out." Nate felt a shadow pass over his expression. He hated hearing her refer to what happened like that. She already had such negative feelings toward herself because of it, he didn't want her thinking that was the only reason he stuck around.
"Jenny, I want you to listen to me very carefully. I don't know if you think I'm just here because I pity you, because that's not the case. We've been friends for several years, and I care about you. We all care about you. I'm here because I want to make sure you're okay, and because I genuinely enjoy spending time with you." He looked straight into her eyes as he said it, and could feel the conviction in his own words. "Okay?"
She nodded. "Okay." She piped up, her voice feeble.
"Come on, let's get you home. We have homework to do!" He joked, trying to lighten the mood. On the walk home, he suddenly felt even more aware of her presence next to him. While earlier he had touched her casually, he now seemed hyperaware of every time she brushed up against him. It was unnerving, and he got the feeling that spending time with her was making his feelings more clear-and they were leaning more toward Jenny than Serena. When they got back to the Van Der Woodsen penthouse, Jenny dug up her backpack and sat on the floor at the coffee table. Nate pulled out is laptop and plopped into the chair opposite her. They worked in silence for probably about an hour before she broke it.
"Do you know the name of the island the Napoleon was exiled to? I can't find it in my book." She inquired.
"There's something I haven't had to think about in a while." He laughed, and closed his eyes, throwing his head back, thinking. He let out a steady groan of thought before it hit him. "Elba!" He told her.
"Thanks. I don't know why I can't find it."
"No problem." They went back to silence, but she was having a hard time focusing on Napoleon.
"Nate?"
"Hmm?"
"Do you…never mind." She buried her nose back in her book.
"What is it?"
"How's your family? I never hear you talk about them."
"My dad's still in prison, and I visit him every once in a while. My mom keeps herself busy. We don't really get along well anymore, so I don't see her much either."
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay. It sucked at first, but once it all leveled out, we've been good. It's nice not having to live with them. As frustrating as Chuck can be, he really isn't that bad of a roommate."
"Chuck has gotten better, hasn't he?"
"Yeah. He and Blair have been struggling a little bit recently. I think it's something to do with Jack Bass."
"I can barely picture them fighting. As weird as they were at the start, they're kind of perfect for each other." Jenny commented. "I'm sorry. I know she's your ex."
"I can't really complain, since I live with Chuck." He chortled. "Besides, they're better together than she and I ever were."
Jenny looked thoughtful.
"Is being with Serena everything you thought it would be? I can't remember a time when you weren't in love with her."
"It's really something." He replied vaguely.
"Is everything okay with you guys?"
"Yeah, why do you ask?"
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry. I just…I don't know. I expected you dance a jig or something. She's your dream come true."
"I guess so." He mused, though he really wasn't convinced anymore. Serena had been getting on his nerves more and more lately. They had been off and on for months, and in the last few weeks, things that hadn't bothered him before began to bother him. He glanced up and noticed that Jenny was staring at him with a concerned look in her eyes. "It's just…and if you tell anyone this, I'll never buy you a Captain Crunch again," he teased her and her lips perked up. "We've been really back and forth ever since the beginning, and I sometimes wonder whether I just liked the idea of Serena, and the reality isn't exactly what I thought it would be."
"But you still love her?" Jenny asked, and he searched her eyes for the schemes or ulterior motives that came with such questions on the Upper East Side. He found none. Just empty curiosity, and even genuine concern for his relationship.
"I think so."
"You deserve to be happy, Nate." She told him, and he could see a depth in her eyes that wasn't there before. There was a sadness and loneliness that scared him. She was in a lot of pain, and he couldn't quite put his finger on it, but he knew she would never be quite the same again. After staring at each other for a stretch, he finally realized what it was-it was her innocence. When he met her, she was a naive freshman, with dreams of life of the Upper East Side. He could picture her in their Brooklyn apartment, gazing out the window at the city, dreaming of what it could be like. Spending time with Blair, Chuck, gossip girl, and all the spoiled kids of Constance, she grew out of the naiveté. Furthermore, when she dropped out of school and pursued a career, she tried to grow up, and certainly went through a rebellious phase. She had been knocked down repeatedly, but still remained hopefully. Until now, she had stayed strong, and as far as her romantic life was concerned, retained a level of innocence and happiness. That was gone, leaving insecurity, doubt, pain and desolation in it's wake. He suddenly got a sharp pang in his chest, and he felt sick and angry at the man who did this to her. She didn't deserve it.
"Hello? Earth to Nate." She waved her hand in front of his face, breaking him from his thoughts.
"Sorry. I spaced out a bit there."
"Yeah. What were you thinking about?"
"Whether Serena's going to make me stay for the whole thing tonight. It's going to be so boring!"
"Can't be more boring than a homework party." She joked, gesturing to their open books.
"You'd be surprised." He glanced at his watch and sighed. "I probably should get going. I have to get back and change." He closed his laptop, and stood up. She stood as well.
"Thank you for getting me out of here today. And just sitting with me. It's nice having someone around, even if it's just to do homework."
"No problem. I'll talk to you soon." He gave her a hug before stepping into the elevator.
Serena and Nate were standing off to the side of the ballroom chatting when her phone went off-it was a Gossip Girl blast. There was a picture of Nate and Jenny walking in the park, and Nate's arm was around her. It was surprisingly intimate-looking, now that he saw it from an outsiders perspective. The caption read:
"This just in. Nate Archibald strolling through the park with a leggy blonde-that isn't Serena Van Der Woodsen. We knew Nate and Little J were friends, but this seems like much more than friendship; they look positively cozy. Word is J has been MIA from Constance for over a week. She doesn't look sick here, does she? Lovesick maybe? I want all the details. XOXO"
Serena sighed as she read the blast. "Doesn't she have better things to do?" She complained about the blogger. "Poor Jenny doesn't need this right now. Hopefully Gossip Girl doesn't get her hands on what happened."
"Do you think she'd really expose something like that? I mean, there's gossip and then there's just cruelty."
"It's Gossip Girl. You never know. But I'd like to think that she would draw the line somewhere."
Nate just nodded. He didn't tell Serena, but he had saved the picture of him and Jenny. He wan't even sure why. It just made him happy. He and Serena stayed at the benefit a little while longer, and when she invited him back to her place, he made up an excuse about wanting to finish an assignment before the weekend. In all honesty, he finished it while doing work with Jenny earlier. He just found himself wanting an excuse for a night away from his girlfriend. He knew what a bad sign that was, he just couldn't help it.
On her way home, Serena got a text from Jenny apologizing. She had seen the blast and wanted to make sure Serena didn't get the wrong idea from the picture. Serena assured her she didn't, and hoped that Jenny was doing better. Gossip Girl may not know what happened, but she did, and she wasn't upset Nate was spending time with her. Blair, on the other hand, had plenty of words to say about it when she got home.
"I knew Nate had a little fling with Jenny last year, but to do this so blatantly while you guys are together!" Blair paced around Serena's bedroom, while Serena just sat on the bed, letting her friend finish. She knew she wouldn't have a chance to defend Nate and Jenny until Blair said her piece.
"It's not what it looks like." Serena finally managed.
"Oh really? Because it looks like your boyfriend is going jailbait!"
"Look, Blair. First of all, I trust Nate. Secondly, you don't know the whole story. It's not my place to tell you, but there's nothing going on between them. Jenny just needs a friend right now."
"And I need a massage! That doesn't mean I would go to someone else's boyfriend to get it!" That struck a chord with Serena. She knew that Jenny was going through a lot, but in the back of her mind she wondered why it was Nate she trusted. It was Nate she first confided in, and Nate had been spending an awful lot of time with her since. Serena decided not to read too much into it. After what happened to Jenny, she deserved a little latitude.
"Blair, stop it. I know you're upset, but you really shouldn't be."
"Why are you so calm?"
"Because I know what's going on, and it's not what you think."
"So tell me."
"It's not my place. I'm sure you'll know soon enough, but just not right now, okay?"
Blair pouted, but conceded. "Fine. I'm going to bed, but you should have a chat with your boyfriend about strolling with other girls." She turned heel and disappeared into her bedroom. Seconds later she was texting Chuck, who, annoyingly, gave her a similar answer to what Serena had given her. She was irritated, and determined to figure out the truth. She fell asleep with gears turning in her head, schemes developing, and plans blossoming.
