"So our first story is Snow Ed and The Seven Sins," Roy told them all with a smile.

"Aw, Hell no," Ed shouted, leaping to his feet.

"Too late," Roy grinned, "And for anyone else who just so happens to be listening in, this could be seen as yaoi, just a warning there and possible spoilers."

"What're you talking about?" Havoc asked.

"Who cares?" Ed sniped.

"And for that you're wearing a dress in this one, Ed," Roy smirked, "Let us begin..."


Starring:

Ed as Snow White

Envy, Lust, Wrath, Greed, Pride, Sloth & Gluttony as the Seven Dwarves/Sins

Roy as Prince Mustang

Winry as the Evil Queen Winry

Al as Woodcutter Armour

And Havoc as the magic mirror


"Once upon a time in a magic kingdom far away…

"Mirror, mirror on the wall," Evil Queen Winry smiled at the mirror, "Who is the fairest of them all?"

"Well, that Ed Elric chick is pretty cute!" the Havoc mirror answered.

"What?!" she shrieked, "I'll teacher her a lesson!", she leaned out the window, "Random woodcutter guy! I need you to kill someone for me!" she shouted at someone outside the castle.

"What?" an armour woodcutter shouted back.

"I will reward you greatly if you kill the young beauty, Edward Elric!" she yelled.

"I'll do it for three kitties," Al shouted back.

"Two."

"Done. I'll go kill him, I mean, her now," he shouted, before skipping away singing "I'm gonna get some kitties!"

_____

"A beautiful young woman called Ed stood angrily tapping her foot. He was wearing a beautiful embroidered dress that hugged his lacking feminine figure and his long golden blonde hair hung loose. With a BIG bow on it," Roy emphasized.

"Shut up," Ed growled.

"No. Now back to the story."

_____

"Anyway, like I said, he stood doing quietly doing not much at all because he's a worthless pain-in-the-ass you causes nothing but trouble for his higher ups by using up all the budget on junk food, toys, comics… but I digress.

"Hey you," Al the woodcutting armour shouted at him.

"Yeah, what do you want?" the fair young Edward asked.

"I have to take you far into the woods, where no-one could hear you scream and kill you in cold-blood in the name of the Evil Queen," Al explained.

"But Al, why would you do that, I thought we were brothers, who cared about each other," Ed whimpered.

"Shut up, Brother. Don't break character. Anyway, let's walk really far that way," Al said pointing into the deep woods.

"Fair enough," Ed answered.

They walked into the woods for about 15 seconds.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you now," Al told him.

"Al, I mean Mister Woodcutter Armour Person, we're barely two metres into the forest. And there's some witnesses over there," Ed pointed at a group of peasants played by Riza, Falman, Fuery and Breda.

"I don't care," Al pulled out a big axe and proceeded to chop Ed to pieces…"

_____

"Mustang, you know that's not how the story goes," Ed interrupted.

"Fine," Roy grumbled, "So Al the Woodcutting Armour did not kill Ed."

_____

"The armour looked Ed in his deep golden eyes and cried, "Alas I cannot kill you, but you must run away and go love in the woods with seven people who will make you look tall."

"Really!" Ed shouted happily, "What way?!"

"I dunno. That way. I guess," Al pointed in a random direction.

"YAY!" Ed yelled and ran off squeeing wildly.

After running for a long time in no particular direction Ed arrived at a little cottage.

"This must be it!" Ed yelled ecstatically, "I've waited my whole life to meet seven people who are shorter than me!"

"Hello, Princess Shrimp," an androgynous voice from behind Ed came as he got patted on the head.

"Not you," Ed spun to see Envy standing grinning moronically.

"Yes, we are the Seven Sins," Envy announced dramatically introducing the others who were all standing behind him.

"Don't you mean dwarves?" Ed questioned.

"No, shut up," Envy answered.

Ed looked at them and noticed they were all holding shovels and pickaxes.

"Wow, were you digging up gold in the mines?" Ed asked.

"No, we go grave-robbing instead," Wrath smiled.

"Sssh!" Envy ordered then turned to Ed, "So, why are you here?"

"The Evil Queen wants me dead because I'm so beautiful."

With that all the homunculi burst out laughing because they thought he was ugly as f…"

_____

"Roy! Don't swear, there are children present!" Riza scolded.

"Sorray!" Roy replied, "Anyway let me continue, they all thought he was very ugly indeed. How's that Riza?"

"That's fine, Sir. But you've made Ed cry," she pointed to Ed who was curled up, Tamaki-style, in the corner sobbing.

"He'll get over it, now let's continue…"

_____

"Anyway, can I stay with you guys? I know there are a lot of hard feelings between us," Ed said.

"I'm gonna stab him in his sleep," someone mumbled.

"That was uncalled for," Ed said.

"Sure, why not? We can always pull pranks in him and make his life a misery," Envy said to the others.

"Ha. Lolz. That'll be fun," Greed laughed.

"Yeah, why not?" Lust winked at Ed, who recoiled in terror.

"Yay! I can try saw off his other arm and leg with my rusty grave-robbing saw!" Wrath yelled happily.

"I have no problem with that," Pride responded.

"Meh," Sloth shrugged.

"Can I eat him?" Gluttony asked.

"Give him a few days," Lust whispered to Gluttony, who then smiled hungrily at Ed.

"I'm gonna ignore those comments, but I want a room with a lock because you all freak me out and I fear that one of you may rape me," Ed said.

_____

"Roy! Please try and make this child friendly," Riza scolded again.

"Fine, I'll correct it," Roy said.

_____

""I'm gonna ignore those comments, but I want a room with a lock because you all freak me out and I fear that one of you may hug me," Ed said, "And I do not like hugs."

"Nice correction there narrator," Envy said, sarcastically.

"Anyway, let's get this story done quickly so let's get right to the point. Let's just pretend I've been here a week or something and that you're all so happy to have me here," Ed commanded.

"I dunno about that. You're actually really annoying, you do no work, eat all our food and steal our TV remote," Pride told him.

"Shut up. We're in fairytale land where TVs don't exist," Ed whispered furiously.

"Yeah well, whatever," Pride acted unbothered.

Meanwhile.

The Evil Queen Winry looked at her magical Havoc mirror.

"Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who is the fairest of them all?" she smiled cruelly.

"Still not you, you vain b****," the Havoc mirror told her."

_____

"Roy!" Riza shouted.

"Riza, they're teenagers they know more curse words than we do," Roy replied.

Sure enough Ed was in the corner muttering a colourful array of swear words.

_____

"Anyway…

"The fairest of them all is still the beautiful Edward," the Havoc mirror continued, after it was so cruelly interrupted.

"Then I'll have to kill her myself with my magicness," the Evil Quenn growled, "Actually I don't have magic, but I do have this old mouldy donut."

She started to laughed maniacally.

"You need to get a life," the mirror told her.

She smashed the mirror.

"Uncalled for!" a fragment of mirror shouted at her.

"Shut up," she grinned cruelly.

"Back at the cottage.

Ed was sitting at the cottage alone after they all ditched him to go grave robbing. He had already ate all the food and was beginning to feel hungry again.

Just at that moment the Evil Queen showed up conveniently disguised as a tree.

"Eat this!" the tree told him."Aren't you supposed to be disguised as an old woman?" Ed asked.

"Shut up and eat this," the tree told him holding out a mouldy donut, "It'll make you taller."

"I was gonna eat it anyway," Ed replied scoffing the donut into his mouth.

When the homunculi came home they found Ed unconscious on the ground.

"What should we do?" Sloth asked.

"I say we put his corpse outside and let the crows eat it," Envy said.

"Yeah, why not?" they all agreed.

So they put Ed's corpse outside on a big flat rock and left it there…"

_____

"But she didn't die, Colonel. She was just unconscious," Al said to Roy.

"Oh please," Roy sighed, "I know what I'm doing."

_____

"Anyway, so it turned out she wasn't dead, just not conscious.

And all that was needed to awaken her was the kiss of a handsome, strong, talented and, did I already say, handsome Prince Mustang. Also his hair is really wonderful and sexy."

_____

"Whoa!" Ed interrupted, "I see where this is going I refuse to let this become another RoyEd Fanfic where it ends with a kiss."

"Shut up, Ed!" Riza shouted, "They have to kiss at the end!"

"Lt. Hawkeye, I never had you down as a yaoi fangirl," Fuery said.

Hawkeye grinned evilly.

"I am severely creeped out now," Roy said, edging away from Hawkeye.

"Just finish the bleeping story! And have the bleeping kiss scene!" Riza shrieked, standing over Roy.

"Ok, please don't hurt me," Roy whimpered, cowering away from her.

_____

"So as events here grow more and more unrealistic so does the tale of Snow Ed and The Seven Sins.

So anyway the handsome Prince Mustang went out into the woods some day for no reason in particular at all.

"Hello, you freaks," the handsome Prince Mustang shouted to the homunculi when he arrived at the homunculi cottage, "May I ask why are you left that beautiful young maiden's corpse on that big rock ?"

"I dunno. You tell us," Envy laughed.

"Does she perhaps require the kiss of a handsome prince to awaken her from her otherwise ever-lasting slumber?" Prince Mustang said dramatically, did I mention how wonderful and sexy his hair is?

"Maybe," Greed said, then whispered to Lust, "Get the camera, we can sell the pictures to a yaoi fangirl and we could make a fortune… that I totally won't steal," his eyes darted shiftily.

So Prince Mustang the handsome, wonderful, talented, beautiful, awesome eyed, sexy haired, marvellous…

_____

"Colonel, you sound like Twilight," Ed sniped.

With that Roy hit Ed.

"Why'd you do that?!" Ed shouted.

"Don't ever. Ever. Compare me to that," Roy growled, then happily continued, "Like I was saying…"

_____

""Okay, then I shall awaken the beautiful young maiden," Prince Mustang leaned towards the unconscious Ed to kiss him.

She snapped awake just in time to roll off of the big rock thing and roll onto the ground.

"I am totally the winner of gay chicken!" Prince Mustang shouted happily.

"Damn, I was close to winning. I should held in there, you would never have kissed me," Ed laughed.

"Those are the risks of gay chicken, my friend, I was willing to do anything to win," Prince Mustang announced.

"That's great. What now?" Ed asked.

"Wanna go grab a beer?" Prince Mustang asked handsomely and heroically.

"Meh, why not?" Ed answered, "Bye guys," he shouted to the homunculi.

_____

"And that is the tale of Snow Ed and the Seven Sins," Roy finished it with a smile.

"What the bleep was that?" Ed scowled.

"Is she ok?" Havoc asked about Hawkeye, who was sitting twitching in fury.

"Roy, you may have just done the most deadly thing known to man. You have angered the yaoi fangirl," Ed said you him.

They all gulped in terror.

"RAAAAAAAAAARRRR!" Hawkeye shrieked, "CALL THAT A YAOI FANFIC!!?!"

"I never claimed it to be!" Roy shouted back.

"I'm gonna bleeping kill you all!" Riza shouted in a frenzied fury.

"Waaaah! RUN AWAY!" Roy yelled in horror.

Soon the sounds of crying, screaming and gunshots filled headquarters.

_____

So thanks for reading that. I'm sorry if any opinions I made or said offended anyone, but these are just my opinions, I'm sorry.

If anyone was looking for a yaoi fanfic I'm sorry to disappoint because I opted out for the Scrubs reference to Dr Cox's and his friend, Ben's, game Gay Chicken. I thought it was suitable.

I'm also sorry about all the swearing and stuff, but that is why it's rated T. Also just to say, this is based on the first anime series, just so you know, but you probably already realised.

Also I plan to write some more twisted Fullmetal Fairytales. So all ideas are welcome.

And so are all reviews, but if you have to criticize please make it constructive.

So, once again, thanks for reading, please review and I hope it made you laugh and that you enjoyed it.

Bye~!

Amy.